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issue I tried to deal with for all my life
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Author:  paladien [ Sat Oct 22, 2011 4:36 pm ]
Post subject:  issue I tried to deal with for all my life
hi

I have a serious issue for most of my life, and I don't know how to deal with it.

whenever I start something new, like a new school, college whatever
I become friends with everyone and know everyone and get invited to lots of parties.

after a while, this wears off and I always end up alone.
and I'm perfectly content alone, I mean, I do my own thing, do whatever I want etc. I got used to it also.

But people start to hate me or something :S like, when I go to some people with an awesome idea in college, or when I "throw an idea in the group" I always get burned. It's never like, "hey cool idea man we should do that" or, "hey awesome idea man but we have a better plan, we wanna do xyz.."

it's more like they try to shoot holes in my idea, and it feels like they see me as a threat or something and they want me gone.
It's almost like people don't like it because it comes from me.

I don't really know why, but you know that guy where everyone laughs even though he's not funny?
well, I feel like I'm the opposite of that guy.

also people gossip behind my back after a while, and think I am weird because I do things differently.

I really don't know how I can improve myself on this, could anyone help me out? I would really appreciate this.

Thank you in advance, and for reading this.
~Steke
Author:  paladien [ Sat Oct 22, 2011 4:38 pm ]
Post subject: 
maybe it has something to do with I got bullied a lot when I was a kid
Author:  Alphabet Soup Dragon [ Sat Oct 22, 2011 7:35 pm ]
Post subject: 
I feel you, and I totally empathize. This kind of thing seems to happen to me quite often as well.

Its weird, every situation I'm in where no one or most people don't know each other, I seem to always be the one who initiates everything and gets people talking to each other and bonding. I start out as the 'social leader', and then I find out everyone has met up without me a week on and shit like that.

I have never understood it because I make people laugh when I'm around them, normally more than other people are able to do. I don't act annoying or needy or insanely awkward. I try and be friendly to everyone, but it just seems I get ostracized again and again.

One of my ex's told me (after I got really upset during a period of my life where it seemed all my friends were abandoning me) it was because people seem to think I'm aloof and contemptuous of people. I don't feel like this, but perhaps I have a face that makes me seem that way or something. Recently I have put in a lot of effort to reduce this impression on people. I am about to (hopefully) enter into a new regular social group, so hopefully I won't end up getting left out again...we'll see.
Author:  Valor91 [ Sat Oct 22, 2011 7:40 pm ]
Post subject: 
I don't quite understand your situation enough, especially at the point where you

Throw an idea in -> idea rejected
Author:  Cointoss [ Sat Oct 22, 2011 8:08 pm ]
Post subject: 
It's lonely at the top 8)

I have the exact situation, but I have made some progress. One thing which I did (after I also figured out people thought I was aloof and contemptuous after a while) was change my wardrope to be much more down-to-earth. No more dress shirts, dress pants etc...The only thing I am just totally unwilling to part with is decent shoes. I have *gasp* hoodies in my closet now! Though they are made in Italy... Where I study (Amsterdam) male students are definitely not a stylish crowd so if you walk around like you came straight from Milan or even Paris people (including women, which have no style or sense of fashion over here either) are not going to appreciate your style unless you are extremely likeable otherwise.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit. The situation did improve. My point is that the way in which you seem aloof might not be what you expect exactly so you need to be really specific about it. It might be an attribute rather than a behaviour.

Other things I do is to avoid talking about the awesome work-related stuff I am technically capable of (having run my own company, being able to write computer programs, building websites, finance skills and some other things) and avoid talking about sports negatively.

Except for natural confidence, think about all the things that make you stand out from the crowd in ways that the crowd might not appreciate too much or might make them feel bad about themselves. Then stop doing those things publically. Of course all this is only about group interactions and not one-on-one interactions.
Author:  Tidy [ Sat Oct 22, 2011 10:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
Completley unrelated but where are those cartoony avatars from?
Author:  Century100 [ Sat Oct 22, 2011 11:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
Well dude, I don't know if this response is going to be helpful at all.

But I'm the exact same way. Extremely popular at the beginning, then it drops off.

However, now that I'm at university, I tried something a little different.

Usually I would make friends quickly, and then stop trying so hard once I felt comfortable. It would actually be because deep down, I didn't really feel I NEEDED that many friends, it was just that I wanted to feel as charismatic as I believe I am by having people who always say hi to me etc. I know I sound awful, but I really do just love to have a lot of people around to make myself feel like I'm important. I'm not rude to them, I'm actually kind and thoughtful back to them....but the issue is that once I've established myself as that sort of person in a social circle, I've reached my goal and stop "trying".

From then on I take people for granted, and although I'm not hurtful, I stop making the effort to be as outgoing as I initially was. For example, I would go to a party and think "I don't really care about being fun, I literally just feel like completely relaxing, sitting with one friend enjoying the SPAM and having beers".

This means that subconsciously, the majority of the people you befriended lose value to YOU. Over time you show this subtly through behavior, such as turning down invites, or talking a lot of pointless shit (cos you don't care so much what they think or if you're being boring or not) and eventually others take you a little bit less seriously as a friend, because you arent! They start seeing you more as an acquaintance.

But how can you possibly be everyones friend? You can't. That's where the problem lies - you spread yourself thin. It's not physically possible to give everyone ample attention that will consider them close to you.

So what do you do?
What did I do this time differently to avoid that?

-I picked about 6 friends (group 1) who I thought were the coolest of the bunch. I hang out with them often, because they are my real friends and I really enjoy spending time with them, and they love hanging out with me and each other. They in itself are 70% of my social life, as there are girls and boys and we go out on road trips, to parties, clubbing etc.
-Then everyone else (group 2) you treat nicely still, but you make a conscious effort to maintain your interesting personality. You say hi in an enthusiastic way - just like "Hey man! good to see you again" sort of level of enthusiasm. Occasionally, you hang out with them outside of uni/school/whatever and see them at parties etc.
-When you do, involve group 1 as much as you can so that you are with your close friends (I call them the "High Command" haha), and that will make you have fun and keep everything on a positive note generally.
-This way Group 2 sees you as affiliated with Group 1, but also sees you as social and fun.
-When Group 2 organises their parties or whatever, they should most likely be inclined to invite at least a couple people from Group 1. In doing this, you will usually get to go as well. This keeps your friendship circle close with the population.

It's a little hard to describe what I mean, but basically you get close friends who (including you) are good with the rest. It's a team effort, and you need your base (your base being your High Command). Otherwise you're kinda "friends with everybody" and people see your friendship as diluted, as you wander around being half-friends with everyone.

This in turn means they take you less seriously, and that could be why they shoot down your ideas.
Author:  paladien [ Sat Oct 22, 2011 11:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Thanks
@Alphabet Soup Dragon
Heey thanks man! I can totally relate to your post, trying connect people when there's a group of friends you just started to know and then a few days later they do things together without you :s wtf and YOU were the one connecting THEM! lol

@Valor91
Well, for instance, in college we had to discuss a case. Everyone agreed fairly quickly that the answer was X,
but when I read it and thought I thought the answer was Y, so I carefully told the group I thought something different.
Then I kinda got flamed for thinking something differently, and they started to question me and stuff. But I could back everything up, actually it got pretty personal sometimes but I tried to remain calm and explain what I thought.
After that they were mocking my idea.
Eventually it turned out I was right, but nobody ever gave me credit for it.
I also know that people have been talking about me behind my back, saying bad things about me but I don't actually know what. I do know that those people don't know me and that I went through a rough time where I kinda "don't let people into my world" and do things on my own to figure my life out. I need time on my own every once in a while.

One guy told me once that I have a wall around me, which might be really true. I need a distance from people. :S strange as it sounds
I think this comes from being bullied as a kid.

@Cointoss
Bro, I live and study in Amsterdam too. I can relate so bad to your post I thought you was me lol
except the fashion style, I dont have that either but it's something on my list that needs desperate attention. And I totally agree about girls in Amsterdam have no fashion sense LOL! Uggs, birckenstocks, blackberry's, tight leggings
only the rayban sunglasses make a little sense lol
well come to think about it, my fashion sense is not that bad. It just needs a little improvement.
Anyway, I have my own websites too. And I am very business oriented, but haven't yet had my own business (except for a few websites that regenerated some ad and donation revenue) but nothing big.
If you like we can go out some time in Amsterdam, I think it'd be fun.

@Tidy: You can make them in Photoshop... Nah kidding :p I dunno how everyone else did it, but I made one here: http://faceyourmanga.com/
Author:  paladien [ Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:11 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Well dude, I don't know if this response is going to be helpful at all.

But I'm the exact same way. Extremely popular at the beginning, then it drops off.

However, now that I'm at university, I tried something a little different.

Usually I would make friends quickly, and then stop trying so hard once I felt comfortable. It would actually be because deep down, I didn't really feel I NEEDED that many friends, it was just that I wanted to feel as charismatic as I believe I am by having people who always say hi to me etc. I know I sound awful, but I really do just love to have a lot of people around to make myself feel like I'm important. I'm not rude to them, I'm actually kind and thoughtful back to them....but the issue is that once I've established myself as that sort of person in a social circle, I've reached my goal and stop "trying".

From then on I take people for granted, and although I'm not hurtful, I stop making the effort to be as outgoing as I initially was. For example, I would go to a party and think "I don't really care about being fun, I literally just feel like completely relaxing, sitting with one friend enjoying the SPAM and having beers".

This means that subconsciously, the majority of the people you befriended lose value to YOU. Over time you show this subtly through behavior, such as turning down invites, or talking a lot of pointless shit (cos you don't care so much what they think or if you're being boring or not) and eventually others take you a little bit less seriously as a friend, because you arent! They start seeing you more as an acquaintance.

But how can you possibly be everyones friend? You can't. That's where the problem lies - you spread yourself thin. It's not physically possible to give everyone ample attention that will consider them close to you.

So what do you do?
What did I do this time differently to avoid that?

-I picked about 6 friends (group 1) who I thought were the coolest of the bunch. I hang out with them often, because they are my real friends and I really enjoy spending time with them, and they love hanging out with me and each other. They in itself are 70% of my social life, as there are girls and boys and we go out on road trips, to parties, clubbing etc.
-Then everyone else (group 2) you treat nicely still, but you make a conscious effort to maintain your interesting personality. You say hi in an enthusiastic way - just like "Hey man! good to see you again" sort of level of enthusiasm. Occasionally, you hang out with them outside of uni/school/whatever and see them at parties etc.
-When you do, involve group 1 as much as you can so that you are with your close friends (I call them the "High Command" haha), and that will make you have fun and keep everything on a positive note generally.
-This way Group 2 sees you as affiliated with Group 1, but also sees you as social and fun.
-When Group 2 organises their parties or whatever, they should most likely be inclined to invite at least a couple people from Group 1. In doing this, you will usually get to go as well. This keeps your friendship circle close with the population.

It's a little hard to describe what I mean, but basically you get close friends who (including you) are good with the rest. It's a team effort, and you need your base (your base being your High Command). Otherwise you're kinda "friends with everybody" and people see your friendship as diluted, as you wander around being half-friends with everyone.

This in turn means they take you less seriously, and that could be why they shoot down your ideas.
DUDE! THANK YOU!
This I think is what I am suffering from.
I do not care enough after a period of time, then I go back to being alone. And you luckily have a group of friends to fall down to lol
lol I see now, it makes sense! I'm half friends with everyone.
lol :p
never seen it that way before, always tried to be cool with everyone.
lol

I also want to say that I find it easier to find "new" friends, than to go back to the people that already think I'm just half-friends. The half friends don't like me after a while because I think that I haven't done anything wrong and I can come back anytime I want
But they probably see it as, he's got nowhere to go he's low value so fuck him.
That's when I feel hurt and close myself off from the situation, trying to understand why they're such assholes to me.

damn, thank you for your post dude!
Author:  Century100 [ Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:16 am ]
Post subject: 
Fuck yeah! You're not alone, brother.

Glad I could help :)
Your first priority is to build a base. That is not some close friends, but close friends who know each other and are friends with each other.

That my friend, is the secret. I don't think I can ever have this issue again.
Author:  paladien [ Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:19 am ]
Post subject: 
:D!!
You have no idea how much you helped me with that
I always tried to be friends with everyone, but DOH that's idiotic to think I could pull that off
Author:  Century100 [ Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:48 am ]
Post subject: 
Good!

good luck pal, start fresh and build up the perfect social circle :)
Go get some recruits!
Author:  Alphabet Soup Dragon [ Sun Oct 23, 2011 1:36 pm ]
Post subject: 
That's all good stuff Century100.

But my problem is that I can't seem to establish a base group for myself. I realize in the past this is probably because I have not put in enough effort to attend parties and show my face. Since losing my girlfriend I realize I need to look social again to become attractive but it feels like I am having to start from the beginning.

I don't think its because I try and make friends with everyone and spread my worth too thinly. I recognize futility if it arises. The first time I meet someone, I will try and make friends, if it doesn't work, I accept that maybe they don't want to be mates or that they don't like me and move on.

I do have a potential new friendship group on the horizon though so hopefully it'll go well!
Author:  magnum45 [ Sun Oct 23, 2011 9:08 pm ]
Post subject: 
maybe you judge people as different than you and you don't respect their opinions. What makes your idea better than theirs?

Maybe you have a ego that has to protect you and so you judge the others as stupid for not believing in your idea. In reality, they have a better idea, or your idea wasn't presented in the right way.

It's difficult to understand but you must not judge others even if they don't accept you. Thats the only way to stay open.
Author:  Cointoss [ Sun Oct 30, 2011 9:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Thanks
Quote:
@Cointoss
Bro, I live and study in Amsterdam too. I can relate so bad to your post I thought you was me lol
If you like we can go out some time in Amsterdam, I think it'd be fun.
Hey, I sent you a PM about this some time ago but it says it's unread so I figured I'd mention it here. Sorry for the useless bump to all the other readers :P
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