I want to talk about the psychology of rejection. I think it's a very important area not just in the game but in life in general - how we deal with rejection. I'm not a psychologist and by no means an expert. I'm still seeking a better understanding of it, and I hope we can help each other achieve that in the course of discussion. I know some guys don't like to discuss their emotions because it doesn't make them look very manly or whatever but I find that sweeping emotionally challenging issues under the rug simply doesn't work. If you do that, they will inevitably haunt you later. So let's get started.
1. Rejection in the Game.
The most common occurrence of rejection in the game is known as a blowout. A guy approaches a set and gets basically rejected. We may substitute "rejection" with "blowout" but that doesn't make the experience any less challenging or traumatic. Of course, there are other types of rejection in the game such as her refusal to get physical or go out on D2 with you for example. But here I want to talk about approach blowouts specifically because they're potentially the most dangerous to our psyche.
2. Impact of Rejection on the Male Self-Esteem and Ego.
Rejection is a traumatic experience no matter how you slice it. It's not meant to be pleasant. And there are few things in life that can hurt a man more psychologically and in such a short period of time than being rejected by a woman after he approached her. Obvious but I feel we need to fully admit what we're dealing with. Such rejection makes a man instinctively question his self-worth and attempts to damage his confidence.
3. What Hurts Exactly?
a) We feel that "I'm not good enough for her". We wanted her but she didn't want us back. She was good enough for us but we were not good enough for her. We feel betrayed, back-stabbed and humiliated.
b) We instinctively feel that we failed at something very important. Survival and replication is very important you know. And we're wired to feel that we just failed at a chance to spread our seed. It hurts. A lot.
c) Uncertainty. Humans hate uncertainty. When something traumatic like this happens - we want answers and we want them fast. Why did she reject me? The problem with this question is that we'll NEVER know. People do not candidly disclose information in matters where it's "too close to home" and "why I rejected you" is definitely one of those matters. Moreover, she might not know herself why exactly she rejected you! It might have been just a feeling, not a logical reason. She just didn't feel attraction for you and she doesn't know why. Anyhow, we'll never get our answer. "We're not good enough AND we'll never know why." Pretty tough. This especially drives you nuts if you're trying to understand what you did wrong and fix it.
c) Deceit. Women will often use small lies to reject a man. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I'll be right back" or "I like girls" or whatever. I'm sure you know the drill. In their minds women see such lying as necessary to minimize social friction. In their minds it's better, nicer, less awkward and risky than saying: "I'm not into you. Please get lost." Some of us would actually prefer the latter version and the deceit is just another factor that adds to the hurt. I overheard a rejected guy say to his buddy recently: "Why do they ALWAYS have to say they'll be back!!!????????"
d) Rudeness/contempt during rejection. Some blowouts hurt much more than others. The one I personally find the most hurtful is where a girl or group of girls deliberately pretend you're not there. You're simply not there! And if you're not there, then of course she can't hear you or engage in communication with you. In her mind: "Problem solved. This works great, I don't even need to open my mouth to blow him off. Let me call my girls and tell em about this awesome discovery. I'm a genius, pure genius!" In your mind: "WHAT A BITCH! How can she be like that to another human being?" Other types of harsh blowouts can involve girls being extremely mean to you right off the bat. And I'm not talking "shit-tests". In this case they already made the decision to reject you and just want to make it as entertaining for themselves as possible - at your expense.
e) Multiple Blowouts. Multiple rejections in a row or a high % of blowouts can change the already bad "I'm not good enough" to even worse "Something is wrong with me."
f) If a less attractive woman rejects you it hurts you more. The feeling is: "I'm not good enough EVEN for her!"
There may be more and I'll add them as I think of them. Please feel free to add your own factors.
4. Possible Reasons for Approach Rejections.
I think we can roughly sub-divide the reasons into "something to do with me" and "nothing to do with me".
Nothing to do with me:
a) She truly has a BF/husband she really likes or loves and/or she's not the cheating type. Or she is the cheating type but not when her girls are around.
b) She truly likes girls.
c) She's in a bad mood for some reason and even if her favorite movie actor approached her she'd blow him off.
d) It's truly a bad time. She's busy or distracted by something or has to go somewhere else immediately.
e) She's shy.
f) Guilt by association. If the venue is packed to the tilt with loser-ish, desperate men swarming any human without a penis and under 300 lbs then she will automatically transpose the negative impression of the average guy in that venue on you. If she just got hit on (in a lame AFC way) by 5 guys in 4 mins - she just might want to be left alone for awhile. This depends on the sausagefest-meter of the venue. Tip: avoid such venues if possible.
Something to do with you:
a) "You're not her type." That means she's not attracted to you on a physical level. Contrary to the popular PUA myth of "looks don't matter" - they do matter. It is true that they matter significantly LESS to women than they do to men. But they still do matter. In certain venues or geographical areas where women are spoiled with choice they will not even consider you if you're not her type even if you have the best game in the world. Why would she? If she can have an awesome guy who IS her type - why not just screen everyone else out right off the bat? It's very rational and it's about her time and effort. The time used on you could be used on talking to a guy who is her type. Of course this is not personal. Nothing wrong with you, just like you may find one girl bland while your buddy thinks she should be a model. Nothing personal against her, right? So women also have looks preferences. No matter what your local PUA guru told you.
b) Your non-verbals could be improved. Body language, eye contact, volume, tonality, etc, etc.
c) Your verbals could be improved. That includes the opener. This one is actually less likely than b. I've found through experience and confirmed with many others that HOW you say something matters much more than WHAT you say.
d) Your timing sucked. If you approached in the middle of her ordering a drink for example, that's just plain disruptive and also tells her you have no sense of tact (a social no-no).
e) Your fashion/grooming sucked. Fashion is important and many girls will blow you off just off that.
f) You messed up your value by circling the venue 30 times like a vulture and she saw you getting blown to pieces at least 6 times by 5 different girls (yes, you hit on the same girl twice
) Or she saw your buddies doing the same and then it's guilt by association ("these guys are losers"). In other words, your value was in some way compromised even before you approached.g) Her friends didn't like you and cockblocked. She has to choose her friends over you, even if she does like you. This may or may not be your fault. Sometimes you did a bad job engaging the friends - sometimes you did a great job and they still don't like you.
h) For some unknown reason her pussy just didn't get wet for you. No one knows why, not even she. She just noticed it didn't and acted accordingly. Had nothing to do with your game - it was perfect. There will be always a certain element of inexplicable mystery in the matters of attraction. Accept it.
i) She has some silly, irrational turn-off that only she knows about and you happened to fit the bill. For example, she hates Vermont, and you're from Vermont. Technically it has something to do with you but there's nothing you can do about stuff like this.
...to be continued.