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| feedback on my dhv stories https://www.pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=55&t=88853 |
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| Author: | 514h [ Fri Apr 01, 2011 1:32 am ] |
| Post subject: | feedback on my dhv stories |
Hello, I'm in the process of studying game and preparing some of my own material. I'll be preparing some dhv stories of my own and posting them here for some feedback. I understand real feedback will be in the field, but I'm not at that point yet and I'd appreciate any comments I can get. Since this is my own story, I don't suggest anyone steal it since it won't be congruent with their personality, but hey to each their own. Here's my first one, this will be used in comfort: Me: Do you have any siblings? Hb: [answer] Me: I have an older brother, we’re really close, but we often butt heads. Like the time I pierced my ear. [pause] See my brother is traditional, I’m more of a risk taker. My buddy was getting his ears pierced so he asked me to tag along. On the ride there, he persuaded me to get mine done as well. I was starting to feel nervous, and my mind was racing 100 mph about what my family was going to think of this. As soon as I felt the needle go through, all that stress and pressure was relieved, there was no turning back now. Lest did I know, I had only swept my worries under the rug, and they were about to fly out like a tornado. [pause] When I got home, my brother was playing on the ps3 and wasn't paying attention to me, but I kept conversing with him to make him look at me. As he kept ignoring me, I grew increasingly anxious. I was sweating, and I could feel my heart beating faster, like it was going to explode out of my chest. I WANTED a reaction out of him. Eventually, he looked at me, looked away then did a double take. [pause] He says: I fuckin hope that’s plastic. I smiled and said nope. We got into a fight, and we put on a good show for our friends who were laughing hysterically. His friend consoled him saying I was going through a phase. My brother wanted none of it. At that point, he realised I was making my own decisions and he couldn't influence me as much as he once did. Thanks in advance, much appreciated! |
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| Author: | Adrino [ Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:11 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
The beginning is strong. The end is okay, it makes you look somewhat vulnerable with the whole I'm a big boy now deal (no offense, that just how I interpret it and would worry that she may interpret that way too). If this is a older more mature type she may see you DHV's as somewhat childish. If this is young at heart maybe she will like that. I don't know, I am a new AFC but I like trying to analyze this shit. |
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| Author: | C.Dribs [ Fri Apr 01, 2011 10:55 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Adrino has a good point, I feel as if instead of DHV'ing yourself your DLV'ing yourself by making you seem vunerable. |
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| Author: | 514h [ Fri Apr 01, 2011 1:14 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Thanks Adrino. I understand your point, how can I adapt the story to include attraction switches and end it as a dhv? Consider this story happened when I was 18 and I'm 24 now. target is likely 22+ I often go for older women too, so you may be right. Out of the 5 switches, I believe willingness to take risks applies here. What do u think? How can I reformulate this? |
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| Author: | 514h [ Fri Apr 01, 2011 3:26 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Here's another one I've been working one. I would appreciate some feedback. I could go on and on with this one since so many stories are related but I'll keep it short and sweet: So what do you do? It's actually an interesting story because I never would have thought I'd be where I am right now. [pause] 4 years ago I had the chance to interview for a large American corporation. All I could think of were the endless opportunities that were going to be available and where I would be in 10 years. I imagined myself living in a large city in a penthouse suite, be driving a classy luxury car and have a wardrobe full of suits. When I got downtown 30 minutes early, I couldn't find the damn place. I started to panic, it was the middle of summer and the bright sun was shining on my face, I was sweating profusely. Regular people walking by could not tell me where it was, and I kept getting bad directions from people who thought they knew where the building was. I was now 15 minutes late to my interview, and all I wanted was someone to pinch me because this was a bad dream. I decided to give up and got in my car. [pause] Her: so what happened? I was about to leave but in some divine intervention I made one last attempt to find the office. I ended up getting the job despite being half an hour late. I told the interviewer my story and he appreciated my persistence. 2 years later I graduated and I got promoted a day later with a relocation to Toronto. I was the first one in that office to take advantage of the vast opportunities te company had to offer. In a way my colleagues looked up to me because they saw it happen, it wasn't unrealistic anymore. I could sense their hope was suddenly lifted as I said my goodbyes. Sometimes you do get what you dream for. [end with smile] Note: not sure if I should add that I do live in a sweet condo building, drive a nice car just like I had envisioned, but I'm working towards acquiring a dozen suits.. Would that be bragging, or a proper way of embedding? |
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