Theres a few problems with this opener as is --
1. It's direct: your target knows why you're talking to them -- you find her attractive, and you want her number.
2. It puts you under the gun -- you're now obligated to make her smile. If you can't do it, you've not only blown your set, but you lose social proof with everyone around you.
3. Some may disagree, but I've always found "prop openers", where you need stuff from home that you wouldnt normally have at a bar, like a pen and paper, to be "try hard", and a DLV. That's my personal preference, though.
If I could tweak it a bit, it would go something like this.
Walk up to the bar, SHB is there, lean against the bar, with your back against it, and just breathe in, taking in the crowd around you. Once you sense her looking at you, start with something like:
"I love people watching on nights like this. People get dressed to the nines, and go out to have a great time. Everyone is at their best. It's like watching moving art."
Wait for a response from your target, some sort of acknowledgement -- if you don't get a response, drop the opener and move onto the next set. If she nods, or starts conversation, continue with something like this:
"You know, I'm actually an artist. I've been taking classes. I'm really good at caricatures. Check this out."
Motion for the bartender, ask for a pen and a napkin (This will work as your "pen and paper" -- toss a dollar tip to the bartender, it's a DHV.).
Hide the napkin from the target, and keep looking at her. "I think I can capture you. Hold on." Look very fixated -- work the prop. Take pauses, have her turn her head certain ways ("turn this way... hold it! Hold it.. Turn the other way.. ick, thats your ugly side, okay turn back the other way." etc etc.)
After a little bit (calibrate with your target, you don't want her to get bored, you want to make sure she stays interested. If her attention wanes, speed up to the end of the opener.).
"Behold, my masterpiece." And show her the napkin: a stick figure with a smiley face and two massive boobs. If you play it right, I guarentee this will get a laugh. Sign it at the bottom.
"I even autographed it for you. Save this. It's gonna be worth a lot someday." From here, you can enter introductions. "By the way, my name is ..."
Just off the top of my head. If nothing else, when you open your next set, you will have a phenomenal story for them.
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