GamePlan's Approaching Journal - Despite Social Phobia



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 2:00 am 
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Hi guys,

I'm new here. Let me introduce myself quickly. I've been 24 years old for 2 months and right before my 24th birthday I started trying to overcome my approaching anxiety, again...

I had already tried this 2 years or so before (I eventually quit b/c I had tons of trouble in my life) and well..my case was actually so bad that I couldnt even imagine saying "Hi" or "Hello" to a stranger (not even a senior citizen).

During my first attempt I eventually did say "Hello" to some senior citizen and kept practicing this in a neighborhood where I felt extremely at ease (theres a big hospital in that area, so it kind of feels more natural as people assume you're in the hospital, too). I never got further than that during the first attempt. But hey better than nothing..

So 1 1/2 or 2 years later I made an effort to try again and get it over with this thing FINALLY. I started again 2 months ago. I was able to do the "Hellos" in that area again pretty quickly (despite having taken such a long break) and moved on to saying Hello or Hi to people in the city. I'm pretty much at ease doing that now (as long as it's with senior citizens or other non-mean looking people).

Ive only been able to "pull it off" with chicks about 5 times or so, though..despite trying for..a month or so!;( I think the main problem with this was that I mostly just encountered chicks who are passing me by and then didnt say it quickly enough. A few days ago this woman was sitting somewhere and I did just "hi" her..and a few days ago I figured after doing this hi-stuff for almost 2 months (and its getting SO DRY..) I finally have to move on to doing conversations.

I'll only go back to college in october (almost another 3 months) so I'll have to use my time wisely. The hi's are only there for building my way up after all..they're not the ultimate goal...and actually I have to say it has definitely helped me a great deal become somewhat more outgoing. However I wanna get it over with this crap by the time Im going back to college (I chose to drop out) b/c Im not sure if Ill be able to go out each and every day for 2 hours when Im back there...Actually Im sure i will NOT be able to do that. However if I can approach by then it'll be all good as college and all should give me enough opportunities to do so. However I have to be able to do it by then (though I dont need to be perfect).

Actually during a 10 day long festival in my town where the whole town is filled and everybody's drunk and all I did manage to say some stuff to some chicks. However never an actual approach. I remember making some kinda funny comment to some chick passing by who looked really scared lol and another time I sorta woke some chick up asking her if she was doing fine, but she didnt seem very interested, either. I just realized those were actually 2 rejections (never thought of this in that way before).

This might sound like a contradiction after saying I got 2 rejections in those cases, but I think the two things I got going for me are a)my looks
b) my persistence (Ive successfully quit smoking after smoking for 6 years and some other stuff like that before). I'm 6'3 lean a muscular 200-205 lbs (Ive been working out 3-4 times a week for the past 7 years) and actually do get a lot of IOI's (just that I never make use of them..).

However my situation is probably way more extreme than this just sounded: When I was younger I had something called selective mutism (not being able to make a voice in certain social situations b/c of anxiety (never had a problem speaking when I was alone)) and I have a crazy problem with public speaking. I havent done it in 7 years (has to do with this selective mutism thing I had at age 17-18).

Well..so what can I say...I think my life is as extreme as it gets and that's probably kinda typical of it: On the one hand Im as unable when it comes to approaching as anyone is, but on the other hand my good looks are sort of helping me overcome that problem (having grown tall and become muscular have definitely helped me get rid of some of that shyness).

I was already posting in a journal at another website, which Ill link to here (I hope this is okay?)..just in case somebody's interested in browsing through what I've done/accomplished so far..even if it hasn't been that much (but it has definitely been some deprogramming of my brain to become more outgoing).

I'd like to post the stuff I post in that other forum in this thread here at PUA, too (starting tomorrow) if that's okay?

I'm really trying to get it over with this as much as possible and only have about 2 months and 3 weeks left to get there. Basically as much time as Ive taken already...but I need to speed it up at least a little bit...so I could really use some input from as many people as possible.

Hope its okay for me to post it here even if im already posting the same thing in another forum?

EDIT: I ll have to post the link to my existing thread tomorrow or the day after, b/c its not allowed to do this on day 1.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 1:46 am 
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Okay, so I went out today (at 7 PM) did a few Hi's (or was it just one? not important..) then I went through this park and saw that HB4 or so sitting on a parking bench. She was 20m away from the path I was walking so I couldnt say something to her just passing her by but would have needed to actually walk up to her.

I didn't and was contemplating to play it cool keep walking my path for a few meters (until Id be outside the park) then come back 5 mins later walk up to her and say "you already drinking for tonight?lol" - seems strange but she was really sitting there drinking something that looked like an alcoholic drink from the distance. She would have replied something funny back I would have made a bit fun of her (in a friendly way) and then just said I'm a bit in a rush and leave again..all while being nice and friendly of course.

I chickened out again.

But I don't find this too bad, because at least it showed me that I would have been possible to really pull that off today. It was really..well doable..even if I didn't do it..it did seem a lot less hard to do than I thought it would.

Plus, I already learned a thing:

3 second rule. Or better NO HESITATION RULE. I have to become more spontaneous. If I had not thought too much but just walked her way instead of continuing to walk straight, this wouldn't have been hard. Not at all.
In such a situation I really shouldn't think, that might be the key to getting my first actual approach...but at least my mind is realizing it aint that bad.

Later on I went to a friend's house, where a friend of his girlfriend came over and I was pretty talkative with her, too (she got a boyfriend though so i didnt make any moves but just used the occasion to talk)


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 7:29 am 
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Location: Tempe, AZ
Wow this is probably one of the worst cases i have ever seen for approach anxiety. I almost want to slap ya into reality and tell YOU DUDE TALK TO PEOPLE ITS EASY. But i can tell this is a big problem for you. so im going to try to give you some help

1) You want to make an impression on a girls right. You said you have good looks so take that as a way of being confident. It is a fact that by not speeking to a person you are telling them more about yourself than if you talked to them. Your telling the person that your quiet, shy, and not comfortable with yourself. Youve got to be comfortable with yourself before people become comfortable with you.

2) Also i hate to break it to ya but saying HI to people is not going to get you anywhere and shows your boring and one demensional. Be creative ex: say something like wow i really love that shirt you have, my little sister is having her bday soon where did you buy that? that type of opener will always get a response and gives you a chance to move with the situation.

3) Lastly you need to change yourself from the inside. I can sense you have years and years of approach anxiety. You have to tell your self we are all humans on this earth and are equal. By talking to as many people as possible you will start to overcome you problem. And think of it this way the more NO's you get will always lead to you having more Yes's.

One last piece of advice i would tell you would be to not think of picking up chicks as a reality. Think of it as a game and if you mess up you can always go to a different girl and try again.

Good luck and let me know how it goes


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 9:25 pm 
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Hi thx for your input.

Actually, I think it's not as bad as it sounds it is. I know it is bad, but I definitely see that Ive already changed. Last weekend for example I went to the bus station (at night) and there were some guys say 5 years younger than me and I knew my neighbor had had some party going on and I was like "So yall were at xyz's party, I guess?" and they were like "oh yeah blabla" and I told them I knew him, because I was friends with his brother and we used to always drink at their house to and all and had a conversation with them. The Hi-thing has definitely helped me and made me a bit more outgoing and talkative (Ive not only done His though mostly, but Ive also always thought about what I could say to certain people). I did stuff like that quite a few times..for example this guy almost fell of his bike after i had passed him by and I turned around and was like "Is everything okay man?" whereas 2 months ago I would have just continued to walk without saying anything.

However, I have realized that I have to move on from this hi-thing now which I did last sunday. I still havent done an actual conversation, but Im building my way up there and Im sure that at the very worst I will have done my first actual approach (or more than that) in say 2 weeks from now.

Anyways, this is what I did today:

Today I went to town got on the bus and there were 2 chicks 1 was pretty hot the other one average and I should have just said something/whatever to them, but didnt. My bad.

Later on I got myself something to eat at subway's and made a point of being a bit more talkative by saying stuff like just put all the vegetables on it, I eat all of it..it's healthy after all or isn't it? blabla.

Then I went outside it was raining and I saw 20 meters from where I was this pretty hot chick was standing alone at the bus station. I thought about what I could say to her...then went her way at another 3 people were there all of a sudden looking up the busses and all..which made me choke once again, I still sat down there she checked me out and make brief eye contact when I came there and another 2 times while I was sitting there, but I felt kind of silly starting a conversation after not having said anything when first arriving there. I'm not reinforcing bad habits, but Im realizing that there's actually a point in not hesitating but saying something right away and being spontaneous. It was a mistake, but I learned from it and chances are at some point (hopefully sooner or later) I will have overcome this inital problem of hesitating instead of saying something right away. I consider it a good thing.

Oh and..I'll really regret that for quite some time b/c that girl was actually pretty hot and had the nicest ass I've seen in a while LOL...


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 12:40 am 
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I'm no therapist, but if you're having that much trouble even talking to people, why not try getting involved in some social activities, to get you used to social environments. If you were to say... take a drawing class, join a book club, something like that, then you would be able to get used to social interactions without just having to have a bunch of "yeah, I almost talked to somebody today", moments.

If you commited to some kind of social activity, it would force you to interact with strangers, and you would also have a reason to be talking to them. That would probably be an easier way to start. I just can't imagine picking up women cold is going to go really well for you if you struggle with even having a conversation with a stranger.

Good luck, and remember the biggest liming factor here is yourself. I would do what it takes to just get out there and interact, even if it means going up on the roof of a building and screaming at the top of your lungs.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 12:57 am 
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sounds like you do have some issues here - and maybe they are so bad that points and hints on this forum alon may not help, but here are my two cents anyway.....

first thing is this - just like you started talking to the oldies, attempt to talk to anyone and ask them an OPEN question or even an OPEN comment about themselves or the environment.. DONT TRY TO PICK THEM UP.....
many people who think 'theres a hot chick, i must impress them, i must get there number, i must fuck them...'
this puts enormous pressure on what should be a VERY basic interation - an initial conversation -
If you go out and talk to any pereson, a 1 or a 10 witht the mindset just to talk to them with no ambition to get numbers then there will be less pressure.
ie you:excuse me, do you know where subway is?' (even tho you know the answer'
them: 'yep, its down about 100 meters'
simple interation, and this can continue to something further 'what do you reccommend there, i usually have the meatball but i think i need a change (but only if they are walking in the same direction - so it seem snatural)

'excuse me, have you got the time on you' is one im sure we can all recall using once or twice, i did it many a times when starting. it wont benefit your game directly, but it will help on intiating interaction with people - even if it is very closed, atleast you are asking them a question and progressing past saying 'hi'

When i first started, and even i bit now for soem fun i loved to interact with clothing store women - as they get paid to be friendly (but they usually are anyway) and they are usually cute if you go to surf stores or alike.
a basic interaction i had yesterday
7: hi, how are you going?
me: (enthusiastically) fantastic (i say this cause its not normal comapred to 'ok thanks'
me: how is your day going? (at this point my body language is still towards the clothes im looking at)
her: oh ok, thanks
me: only ok? (i turn to her) why is your day only ok?
her: well its kinda boring in here, there is no one around.
me: so know youve got nothing to do except re-fold the clothes and straghten up the racks....

the convo esculated into her should be wearing something more revealing to attract more people in the store....

BUT the point is - this is a nice place for someone to start..

ALSO
you must have friends or people you hang with in your town. go for a walk down then street and ask him to initiate converstaion and you can come in with the convo woth him. In a lot of ways have the basis of winging him.

and lastly,
once you talk to someone as a person, not as a 'pick up play thing, or goal' then you will find that people are actually very nice. you just need to speak to them....

goodluck


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