On assertiveness



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 Post subject: On assertiveness
PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2015 2:06 am 
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Hey guys

My lack of assertiveness has really been holding me back my whole life. I really need to change this. It will not only help my game, but I really need to be assertive when I start my career.
The only persons around which I am assertive, are my parents. Ican stand up to them. I'm also more assertive around people who I'm comfortable with, basically my friends.

A concrete example of my lack of asertiveness:

A few years back, I had to retake a course in college. Someone who I got acquainted with (= just someone I know a bit, not someone I truly feel comfortable with) asked me he was looking for a cheaper version of the book we were using in class. I told him I knew someone who dropped out of college a year before and still had his book. Out of kindness I said I'd contact him.

This former classmate lets me know he'll sell his book for 35 bucks. My new classmate agrees. So a few days later I met up with the old mate and got the book. When I met up my new mate and told him I got the book, het told me he already bought it from someone else for 5 dollars less. I said 'oh' and dropped it, acted like nothing happened, yet I was furious inside.

Problems here:

1) I didn't confront my new classmate with the fact that I already bought AND paid the book for him. This took time and effort from me (how few) and he should have let me known that he could get the book cheaper elsewhere.
=> I could really stand up and demand that he pays me the 35 dollars either way, even though this seems like 'advanced assertiveness' to me, perhaps edging to agressiveness.

2) I was scared to ask my old classmate my money back. I preferred losing the moeny over a pssoible confrontation with him (chances of him saying yes immediately were slim).

So, how could I deal with a situation like this in the future?

I also tend to avoid conflict, agreeing with people even when I absolutely do not agree. After a while people notice that they can walk over me and will do just that (again, this isn't a problem around my friends).


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 Post subject: Re: On assertiveness
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2015 7:50 pm 
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Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2007 6:58 pm
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Changing things like this are like changing most any other thing in life, it comes down to making a new habit. You have to make a conscious effort each day to ensure that you are being assertive and direct. The same goes for stopping smoking, dieting, exercising, etc. You just have to put it in the front of your mind and know that this is something that you want to change.

If you slip don't beat yourself up. Each day is a new day, each moment is a new moment, in which to change. You didn't develop the habit of not being assertive in a day and you won't fix it in a day either.

As for the thing with your old classmate. I would have probably told him we had an agreement and as a man I expect you to do the right thing by me. I wouldn't go to punches over it or anything like that but I would definitely hold my ground. If he still didn't do the right thing, well, you know what kind of man he is or isn't I should say.

Just make up your mind on this point and decide you won't do it anymore. Promise yourself, make an effort each day, and it will happen. You got this. Now go and get the girls!

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 Post subject: Re: On assertiveness
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2015 8:31 pm 
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Unless this guy is a good buddy then I would never buy a book for him and expect him to pay me back. I'd do it for a good friend that I have history with, but other than that I'm not going to go out of my way for crap like that. I'd give him my buddies number and say to call him and meet up with him.


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 Post subject: Re: On assertiveness
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2015 8:40 pm 
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Quote:
Unless this guy is a good buddy then I would never buy a book for him and expect him to pay me back. I'd do it for a good friend that I have history with, but other than that I'm not going to go out of my way for crap like that. I'd give him my buddies number and say to call him and meet up with him.
I know :) lesson well learned


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 Post subject: Re: On assertiveness
PostPosted: Sun Apr 05, 2015 10:03 pm 
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I used to lack assertiveness too. You just have to improve your habits. Analyse your everyday life and identify situations in which you could be more assertive and then tackle them step by step. Express your opinion more often.

Also, I don't really like your last response. You should rather learn how to assertively react in situations then to avoid them just because you might potentially get hurt.


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