I have a really big problem with myself right now and i request someone to give me some sense before i go insane.
I am much more of a bar person than a club person. I think in club people cant really talk and connect. But i am an amateur, hence, i cant really approach the girls in a bar.
See they are in their all this big friend groups which i find kind of impossible to penetrate. As i said i am an amateur.
When i do go clubbing(although rare), i end up having just a few drinks wandering around the club while my friends are dancing and having fun.
I even pretend to talk on the phone even when no one is on the other side to avoid being in the club.(real problem here. i cant seem to stop. so wierd!!!)
I like to think i am a nice looking guy. Sometimes when in clubs, its girls who smile at me, or start dancing. Offcourse i like that. But then i dunno what to do. How to go make the next move.
For some reason, i have this in my head that i should not even kiss a girl if she has had drinks. Because i think her decisions are impaired.
And i guess i feel on some level it hurts my ego, thinking, am i good enough just to attract girls who are drunk? cant i get them when sober?
And due to really busy schedule, i end up not approaching any girl. Hence no sex life all together.
I somehow want to get past it. I just dont know what to do, and how to do it. Total amateur.
I, by the way, am in UK right now. I am an Indian, and am 21, if that helps.
Any words of wisdom?
As for my words of wisdom for you, I can tell you that you're stuck in the situation where
you're constantly forcing yourself into becoming somebody you are not and doing something
that you don't truly love and enjoy. If you did truly love it and enjoy it, you'd feel so much
at ease that you'd do it as effortlessly as 1-2-3.
Your main problem is that picking up random women is most likely not part of your true
passions, because if it was part of your true passions, I'd feel so much at ease about
boldly approaching and picking up women that you'd do it as effortlessly as 1-2-3.
First things first. There're two important steps that you should take in order
to start getting your life back to the right path of reaching your true happiness
and your inner peace not only around meeting women but also in your whole life:
1. You need to immediately stop doing everything that makes you feel under
pressure or feel forced into doing it, because chances are that what you've been
busy with so far in your life are not the things that you really and truly love and enjoy.
2. You need to invest some time and effort in pinpointing your true passions in
life, because without living your true passions you will definitely stay being extremely
unhappy and anxious.
As for identifying your true passions, I'd warmly recommend that you read the bestselling
book "The Passion Test: The Effortless Path To Discovering Your Life Purpose"
(by Chris and Janet Attwood) that hugely enlightened me to the experience of my own
breakthrough on the same matter.
When it comes to knowing what you need to change and why you need to change it in
order to stop being stuck in your anxiety and constantly feeling under pressure with
regards to both improving your relationships with women and reaching your overall true
happiness in your every day life, I'm now going to try to inspire you to start thinking in
the right direction of getting there as soon as possible.
A good way for me to inspire you to start thinking in the right direction is to share with you
one of my favorite Bruce Lee's quotes that says:
"We do not become, we simply are."
Chances are that what initially pushed you into that frustrating anxiety around approaching
and picking up random women are most likely the following two things:
a) trying very hard to become somebody who you are not while desperately trying to
adopt and live by the model of behavior that doesn't really suit your true personality, and
b) getting seduced into believing that picking up an endless number of women just to have
sex with them is really something that you could call part of your true happiness or passion,
while in fact, this very activity is nothing but part of a pure obsession that you don't truly
enjoy and that in the first place you've subconsciously got forced to believe that you should
enjoy no matter what, because somebody taught you that this is the way of how you become
that ideal alpha man.
What I'm trying to point out to you here is that like many other guys including myself who ended up
in the pickup arts community mainly because our self esteem got badly hurt sometime during our early
age and all we're now trying to do is just lift it up or fix it through gaining a kind of sexual gratification
based on sleeping with as many women as possible in our lifetime, you seem to be stuck in exactly
the same kind of situation.
Before I go on telling you a little bit of my story, let me ask you a simple question.
Have you ever asked yourself that important "Do I really enjoy it?"
when trying to attract and pick up women?
Asking myself this question was a huge light bulb moment in my life, because it helped me realize
that everything I was doing in the area of attracting and picking up women for years was purely
the result of just acting under the pressure - the unnecessary pressure of constantly forcing myself
into doing what I didn't really love and enjoy at all.
What made me keep forcing myself to boldly approach random women just to pick them up as my
sexual objects was both my initial belief that doing it was part of my true passion and also my
adopted pickup arts conditioning that was constantly pushing me into my sexual advances with
random women just for the sake of not feeling guilty of missing out on any pickup opportunities
when I get back home later.
Guess what. I was wrong when trying to identify my true passion.
All my sexual advances that I was constantly forcing myself into were a pure obsession that
I now like to call my false passion.
My pickup and sex obsession started mainly as the outcome of dating related peer pressure
from my childhood.
I got stuck in this obsession for two reasons:
a) I initially didn't fit in the social circles of my peers because I didn't really like most of
their behaviors, and
b) my inner resistance toward the peer pressure grew so much that I gradually got myself
into thinking of creating my own international playboy lifestyle surrounded by the most
beautiful women that I'd have lots of fun and sex with for the rest of my life.
As a result, my pickup and sex obsession got me stuck in a long-term sexual addiction with
the symptoms of the two most common men's mental disorders known as borderline personality
disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
Now here's an important thing that I'd really like you to understand.
The situation where you feel anxious and reserved about approaching random women is actually
not a bad thing. Let me explain.
Your approach anxiety is like your guardian angel protecting you from getting stuck in the kind
of obsession I told you about a minute ago. It's there to protect you from getting in the bad habit
of constantly feeling under pressure of having to necessarily approach and pick up random women
wherever you go. It's also there to protect you from being fed up with and feeling guilty of missing
out on the opportunities to approach and pick up women.
Here're two reasons why your approach anxiety is your best friend and why you should not try
to beat it or overcome it in any way:
1) Again, your approach anxiety is there to save you from getting trapped in the situation that
you wouldn't naturally feel comfortable with and wouldn't really enjoy it in a long run. By the way,
I'm saying "in a long run" because most of us when we get stuck in chasing an obsession,
we're seduced to believe that what we're doing is really something that we fully love and enjoy
2) Trying to beat your approach anxiety by getting in the habit of boldly approaching
as many random women in a day as possible is not only a form of validation seeking but
also something that will push you into an endless out-of-control, self destructive and
compulsive sexual behaviors that are characteristic of the behaviors of guys who suffer
from borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.
By the way, I'm neither a psychiatrist nor a psychologist but just a guy like you who got
involved in the pickup community just to learn the game while never thinking of any mental
health dangers as the result of doing it.
Today I'm proud to say that I have a solid knowledge about the two most common men's
mental heath disorders that come purely as the outcome of practising the pua game: borderline
personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
As you can guess, I got into the trouble of learning about these mental disorders because my
severe approach anxiety (that I'd never ever experienced before) was getting worse and worse
and making me feel so distressed even at the times I was about to just take a short trip to my
local supermarket to buy something that I really felt I was not only losing my mental health but
also losing my whole self at such a fast speed that was out of my control.
In short, my one year long mental health educational journey got me to learn the 3 main
causes of all my pains and struggles linked with being involved in the game:
a) the first thing that got me in the habit of constantly pushing myself to boldly approach random
women in different social situations was my approach anxiety, because my approach anxiety
subconsciously became my main motivational trigger that was making me boldly approach
random women especially in high-risk social situations.
The more approach anxiety I felt, the more encouraged and motivated I was to approach a
random woman no matter what kind of situation she was in and who she was potentially with
at the time.
b) the second thing that got me in the same unhealthy habit of constantly forcing myself to
boldly approach any random woman that I was sexually attracted to was an abnormal sense
of entitlement. I later realized that I'd absorbed this sense of entitlement and got it to become
part of my personality through the process of learning the game since most pua trainers often
teach guys to feel entitled to freely approach any woman they like.
As the result of my mental health research, I learned that one of the main behavioral traits
of the guys who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder is exactly the same kind of
unhealthy sense of entitlement when boldly approaching random women anywhere they go.
c) the self-destructive habit of constantly forcing myself to boldly approach random women
in dangerous, high-risk situations is one of the main behavioral traits of sociopaths and the
guys who suffer from borderline personality disorder.
In short, the most common symptom of the men suffering from borderline personality disorder
is boldly engaging in dangerous life situations. In terms of dating and picking up women, this
refers to any kind of out-of-control, compulsive sexual behavior where a man often stupidly
exposes himself to an unnecessary risk or danger of getting harmed in one way or another,
because he starts to feel guilty if he doesn't take the challenge of getting himself involved
in such situation.
By the way, what I've just shared with you are also the symptoms of sexual addiction.
So, this is exactly how my initial pickup and sex obsession turned into a long-term sexual
addiction with the symptoms of borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.
And, here's the conclusion I got to after I finally got myself out of this whole trouble.
I got stuck in the vicious circle of anxiety-driven, out-of-control, compulsive sexual behaviors
around meeting women for years purely because of my childhood's hurt self-esteem that I
desperately wanted to lift up by sleeping with as many women in my entire lifetime as possible
just to be able to defiantly show off to my peers how sexually powerful and successful with
women I was.
The bottom line is this: You're very likely to end up both being constantly unhappy with yourself
and getting addicted to doing various unnecessary things that you don't really love and enjoy when
you don't follow and live your true passions which are the things that you actually love and enjoy.
Once you start living closely aligned with your true passions, you'll end up waking up every morning
super excited and fulfilled while having both that important clarity of what your next steps are and
a clear vision of your dream success. As a result, your desired inner peace will naturally fall into
Hope you find this post enlightening and helpful.