I apologize in advance if this thread is in any way against the rules or in the wrong section, i have been very inactive here. I know lots of you guys will be upright and straight with me on this situation but i am just looking for some reassurance on what to do and how to improve.
Situation: The first girl I ever hooked up with lead me on a year ago, than after ignoring & avoiding her for about 7 months she fell right back onto me about a month after breaking up with her bf and kind of used me as a rebound.. anyways for about a month she really dug me, she would text/call me all day every day, in a non-clingy way. Anyways, she is not as physically attractive as some girls are but she has a great personality and she's crazy in bed. She was also my first and I think that is the main factor. Anyways, we haven't hung out outside of school in about a month now and she friendzoned me recently, telling me that we are better off as friends. That is okay with me, because in an unoffensive way I do hate some of her personalities traits, as does she with me. So I asked her for constructive criticism on why she decided that we would be better off as friends- she mostly blamed herself and said that she wanted an older guy, a man, a gentleman (were only 19) which made sense.
The thing that struck me though was that the problem she found with me was that I was very cocky and judgemental of others. The reason behind this is because after reading a lot of stuff on this forum and getting laid after wards, I really let it get to my ego. I didn't go around bragging but I felt really good and when i was annoyed at personality traits she had that bothered me, I would kind of act like more of an asshole than I should. Now when I was a kid I was never physically bullied but through words and exclusion I was hurt lots of times as a kid and it carried on to high school. My best friends are all in one funny, stoner-like group, and I get along with a lot of them really well now. But they used to treat me like shit and make fun of me all the time, and I never really let it get to me til I realized the reason they were doing it and how easy it was for them. Also, as many of you know, the pressure for teenagers to lose their virginities is phenomenal, and in a group full of "assholes" this was especially true, as I had no game with the ladies. But then in about 2 years time I got in a fight, beat the shit out of some kid, earned some respect (in a stupid way) for standing up for myself. Then I ended up hooking up with a girl finally the summer after. But to truly toughen yourself up and not be an easy target or anti-social recluse, I had to man up and become a somewhat emotionless prick. I don't take shit from anyone anymore, I have strong body language and have made a bad habit of making fun of others, maybe a result of me being verbally abused for years.
I always try to be nice but it seems like sometimes I just cant help myself and act like an asshole. I really got sick of being the nice guy and transformed myself as a person but it ended up making me lose out on a few people I care about.
Problem: Now obviously I have learned from mistakes and know how to talk to girls easily with confidence and what not, that isn't a problem. The problem is, for the next 2 months, I'm going to be primarily stuck about an hour away from my small group of friends, in a small town where I don't know anybody. I'm going to be working part time several days a week, and I have a few hobbies but I have no motivation or passion to do them sometimes, and when i get bored i overthink and question my life and it really sucks. But unfortunately, I can't help that I live far away now and have some sort of attention disorder (not disease or real problem) mental block where I can't focus on getting up out of bed and doing things I like. I get bored easy, am picky, and don't know why I'm like this. Last summer I was depressed after screwing things up with the girl above, which I learned a lot from. But the depression ended up stemming into other things like- all the problems that exist in the world and despite them not effecting me, they still make me sad.
Girl Problem: This girl that friend zoned me, I believe in the long run she did me a huge favor- I don't think things would work out with her. The thing is, I now have 2 months stuck- alone- with no real chances at meeting new girls- before I move away for school next semester. The other problem is that this girl is actually going to the same school as me, and we are both going to live on residence near eachother (purely coincidence, one of the reasons we ended up hooking up a few months ago). So she's obviously going to be on my mind for a while, and I'm going to have to see her for another 2 years- I can't really escape. I'm happy things ended now and didn't escalate into a relationship in a way- but I still get weak feelings in my gut when I find out shes hanging out her ex, or some other guy, and it really sucks.
I don't really know haha, I don't even think the problem really lies with the girl to be honest, I think its me. I see the world from a pessimistic standpoint and I am talented in several ways but I don't have the money, motivation or equipment (im a musician) to achieve anything. In 2 years I'll be working a hard job where I'll be making over $80,000 a year and travelling, and it's going to be great.
But for now I have 2 months of torture where I'm stuck in my own mind, worried about random shit.
I do small back/arm exercises where i lift my own body (purely for functional strength) and also draw, create songs, practice MMA in my basement and drink with friends once in a while- I also have a passion for the outdoors but there is no forests, trees or anything of geographical significance where I live. I'm not very close with my family- after studying all these things about body language and behavior I created this feeling inside me that I'm better than others around me- it really bothers me because I know it's not true but I still act like it and it really drives me crazy. The few things that make me happy are exploring the wilderness, having sex (obviously), writing songs and getting drunk/hanging out with friends. I likely will only be able to do the 3rd this summer. Also, I put too much emphasis on sex being one of the keys to happiness in my young, inexperienced and stupid mind, and now that I don't have it I don't feel as relaxed about my life. This is a terrible mindset but I fused it into my brain, and it paid off for a while, but now I'm left feeling empty.
What I'm wondering is, what can I do? I just needed to get this lame rant off my chest and get some reassurance on how things are going to get alot better from here.
TL:DR - used as rebound with my first, going to same school in september (coincidence), 2 months of loneliness and lack of motivation to overcome, socially-awkward nice guy who became a over-cocky asshole
I also just want to say, im not suicidal or anything, im a pretty easy going by. im just bored as FUCK and felt like getting all of this off my chest. I appreciate any insight, advice or whatever from anyone here who can relate at all. Thanks!