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The case of the vanishing girl: A choose-your-own-adventure
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Author:  cagewalker [ Sun Aug 01, 2010 6:38 am ]
Post subject:  The case of the vanishing girl: A choose-your-own-adventure
Pretend you are me- a 26 year old med student from melbourne. You’ve been seeing a 22 year old girl for 3 months. Her name is Lyla, a fellow med student with a sharp, caustic wit uncharacteristic for a girl. She’s a surf brand model but secretly a massive nerd with dorky interests. You like her.

You both calibrate well. She first approached you and since then you two have really hit it off. You are both busy people, but find the time to see each other 1-2 times a week (always for the entire day and late into the night).

However, several weeks ago, Lyla left for a trip to Rio by herself.

The night before she left, she took you to an old childhood haunt of hers and confessed to you that she thought the relationship had actual potential and asked you what you thought. You tell her that you’ll see what happens when she gets back. Lyla also told you that you made her ‘nervous’ and she'd had her eye on you in class since the beginning of semester.

She is an independent, straight talking kind of girl and you’ve both been fairly candid and mature towards each other the whole time.

Lyla gets on a plane and flies off.

4 days later, you receive a short email from her along with a photo. Everything is well on the southern front. Seemingly.

You reply to this email with updates from home. But no reply is forthcoming.

Lyla has no phone. You wait a week and drop her a second email – a short ‘hey, hows rio?’

...16 days later. Still nothing. No word from her at all.

In a weeks time, this girl will fly back. What would you do if you were me? What, if anything, would you do when she comes home?

I’m finding it almost impossible to calibrate since there has been no contact for so long.
Author:  ~Finesse [ Sun Aug 01, 2010 2:53 pm ]
Post subject: 
dude what the fuck are you talking about by 'calibrate'?


Also. I can totally understand where you're coming from (I think). Even for a girl I feel crazy for, if we're to spend time apart with no communication, my brain will begin to lose feelings, perhaps to save my own heart. Anyway, tangenting there..,


Right, when she flies back, just be normal, ask her how her time was, be pleased to see her. I don't really know what you're asking tbh.
Author:  KristallNachte [ Sun Aug 01, 2010 3:43 pm ]
Post subject: 
wait, so are you dating her? sleeping with her?

what?
Author:  AFC Royal [ Sun Aug 01, 2010 3:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
Enter my favorite philosophy: do what you want.

If you want a relationship, go for it.

If you want to sleep with her, go for it.

Kind of sucks that she hasn't responded, but, for all you know, she may not get internet, and has been unable to check her email. Perhaps she's crying into her pillow that she thinks you won't love her anymore.

This has happened to me way too much: I would call a chick, and she wouldn't respond for a LONG time, and I would feel disappointed, then find out that her phone got stolen.
Author:  cagewalker [ Sun Aug 01, 2010 11:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'm asking this:

I've been dating her for 3 months. Before she left, we both had an intent to further the relationship. Since she's left though, she's literally disappeared without a word. I should add that she took her medical research work with her on her laptop (thus she does have net access).

How would you proceed with her when she returns?

Usually, we can gauge what level of interest or attraction a girl has and we approach accordingly. I'm thinking the lack of correspondence is a massive IOD and that I shouldn't do anything when she comes back and freeze her out for a few months.
Author:  ~Finesse [ Mon Aug 02, 2010 12:07 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
I'm asking this:

I've been dating her for 3 months. Before she left, we both had an intent to further the relationship. Since she's left though, she's literally disappeared without a word.

How would you proceed with her when she returns?

Usually, we can gauge what level of interest or attraction a girl has and we approach accordingly. I'm thinking the lack of correspondence is a massive IOD and that I shouldn't do anything when she comes back and freeze her out for a few months.

Maybe she has a genuine reason for not being able to get in touch...
Author:  cagewalker [ Mon Aug 02, 2010 2:15 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:

Maybe she has a genuine reason for not being able to get in touch...
True.

I should clarify that she brought her laptop along with all her medical research work which was due in last thursday. At some point she would have had internet access.

The situation seems so far removed from the context of ordinary PUA principles that I'm just not sure how to proceed.
Author:  samex [ Mon Aug 02, 2010 7:21 am ]
Post subject: 
Are you so sure she handed in her research last thursday?...

Btw, you shouldn't know the answer to that and if you do, you need to relax.

Chill out homeboy, if you care about this chick then just call her when she gets back. No need for a "freezeout" or any foolishness.

just give her some space, you have no idea what's happened/happening to her.

peace
Author:  ~Finesse [ Mon Aug 02, 2010 1:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
No need for a "freezeout" or any foolishness.
+1

Wahaha
Author:  Zephyrine [ Mon Aug 02, 2010 3:57 pm ]
Post subject: 
I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt. For several reasons.

#1. Depending on where she's staying in Rio, she may not have access to a computer. There aren't as many internet cafes as one might think.

#2. Its fucking Rio. There are beaches, nightclubs, bars, beautiful people, markets, nature, monuments, samba...In short theres a lot of shit to do. She is probably busy living it up. Rio is a fucking carnival. If you were there, you would not be emailing her either. Just trust me on this.

#3. You didn't lock her down before she left. The purpose of her speaking to you before her trip was to secure some kind of commitment. You said "we'll see when you get back." She interprets this as "you are not worth waiting for."

Wait until she's back, and then say hi. Once you're back on each other's radar, I'm sure the feelings will develop again.
Author:  R.G. [ Mon Aug 02, 2010 5:42 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Are you so sure she handed in her research last thursday?...

Btw, you shouldn't know the answer to that and if you do, you need to relax.

Chill out homeboy, if you care about this chick then just call her when she gets back. No need for a "freezeout" or any foolishness.

just give her some space, you have no idea what's happened/happening to her.

peace
100% Agree.

She seems like an awesome girl. With situations in the past where I thought a relationship had potential (if not the same sort) where the girl has left for a significant period of time and stopped contact, I have made mistakes and learnt from them.

My suggestion would be not to pre-judge. Don't try and calibrate. Wait for her to get back in contact with you. If she doesn't after a week or two by the time she's back, just drop a text. That's it. You've done your part. Above all don't pre-judge - you have literally NO IDEA what has happened during her time in RIO. She could have been raped, she could have married Brad Pitt (OK, you might know if that happened haha), she could have just landed a 100K job, she could have just been busy, wanted a break and been really missing you to death but her laptop got stolen or her internet connection freaked. You have no idea. Don't judge.

Basically what I'm trying to say is I'd avoid these common pitfalls:

1. Don't judge
2. Don't give her the cold shoulder/freeze out
3. Don't be too needy
4. When she's back, don't assume your relationship is the same as it was before. You may well need to re-game her or at least continue to add value.

Sorry if there are lots of don't's here. But she seems like an awesome girl and I really hope it works out for you :).

All the best bud x
Author:  SpeXXX [ Mon Aug 02, 2010 5:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'd say... continue with your life like she does. You shouldn't stop your enjoying life just because of her. Obviously shes having fun, I can't see why can't you.
Lay off from thinking so much about her and just let life lead you to wherever - Don't stop yourself.

However, we she comes back, don't give her hard time why she didn't reply your e-mails or if she met some guys there or whatever. Just relax and be happy for her, let her her feel good with herself.
Author:  cagewalker [ Tue Aug 03, 2010 12:25 am ]
Post subject: 
This advice is solid. Thanks gents.

Samex - I don't really know whether she's handed in her research or not. But should relax and not pre-empt.

Zepherine - All my female friends have been telling me that she was suggesting commitment before she left. She's usually a poised and measured lady, but that night she was really opening up.

I too thought so at the time, and should have been more upfront. In my full words I said - "All these girls have come along the past few years but so few fit into my life. I'm really happy with where I am at the moment and any girl has to really be apart of it. And you just might. You're f*cking cool and we'll see what happens when you get back."

Lyla knows I only get about 5-6 hours sleep a night because of my study and involvement in theatre. I have 2 friends with benefits but few girls fit into my lifestyle enough to be a girlfriend. She knows this so I hope she understood what I meant.

Rafiel - I haven't had a situation like this before so your experience is quite helpful. I'll make sure not to do anything pre-emptive and just wait for her to contact me once she gets back.

In fact, I expect to re-game entirely from scratch once she gets back, - which is a massive drag since we made such progress the last 3 months. Was the interaction at all awkward once these girls returned?
Author:  cagewalker [ Wed Aug 04, 2010 4:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
UPDATE

She just updated facebook for the first time in three weeks with a bunch of activity. But she replied to all of her friends comments on her wall, except mine.

I'm not facebook stalking her but its fairly apparent from the notice feeds. If anything, I think this sends a pretty clear message of intent. Am I judging too soon?
Author:  SpeXXX [ Wed Aug 04, 2010 8:01 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
UPDATE

She just updated facebook for the first time in three weeks with a bunch of activity. But she replied to all of her friends comments on her wall, except mine.

I'm not facebook stalking her but its fairly apparent from the notice feeds. If anything, I think this sends a pretty clear message of intent. Am I judging too soon?
Dude, don't be all emotional if she doesn't make any contact with you, just continue with your life.
There can be bunch of reasons for her not making any contact with you, and you thinking about them will only make you feel worse.
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