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"I don't want to be a slag"
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Author:  trixsta [ Mon Mar 29, 2010 2:53 pm ]
Post subject:  "I don't want to be a slag"
This is becoming a regular problem now, even if I don't have sex with the girls and just finger them and do other stuff with them, if we do it a lot over a few days or something this line always comes out, "I really want to come round but I don't want to be a slag".

I think I read something like this in The Game but it had something to do with lack of comfort, which I don't think is the reason. It's possible as I don't overdo it because I don't want these girls to develop feelings, I just treat them as friends who I have sex with/do things with.

I've had this line a few times with one girl but I found all I had to do was turn her on and make her wet, last time I tried this she said "I don't want you coming round thinking you can just have sex with me" and I reminded her that since we are just fuckbuddies that's all she can expect. I told her I liked having her as a friend but nothing more.

I don't want her to get feelings for me and I've encouraged her to get with even guys, even given her advice too, and if worst comes to worst I'll just cut her off, she's a nice girl but she just doesn't do it for me and I don't want to mess her around. What should I do?

The other girl is in a similar position, she said she hated the fact that she was my sex toy but she loved being with me. Both of these girls have said they don't want a relationship with me when I've made sure they know they score, but would they have said if they did? This girl it's possible I could grow to like her, so I definitely don;t want to cut her loose.
Author:  R.G. [ Mon Mar 29, 2010 8:25 pm ]
Post subject: 
I think other people will give the answers worth giving, but I wanted to add a different dimension - a lot of guys seem to treat FBs like you - in some sort of dejected, "sex toy" fashion, to use that girl in your story's words.

With my FBs, I still show that I care for them, I wish them sweet dreams at night, invite them to watch movies with me (only if I want to watch the movie, haha) etc. They already know the score - that we're FBs and nothing more because I managed expectations EARLY in the relationship.

But managing expectations does not mean treating them like objects so they don't develop feelings for you.

"I don't want to be a slag" is BS. All girls want to be a slag, they just don't want to be perceived as being a slag by other people and themselves (their own belief largely stems from other people anyway).

It doesn't hurt to drop one or two caring texts every now and then just to drop the ASD you're getting. But it's not about dropping ASD, but creating a positive mutual environment. Once you focus on creating overall positive environments, the sex comes easy. So long as you managed expectations properly, they won't develop one-itis for you.

At the end of the day it comes down to caring. PU is so much about developing ourselves that we objectify and forget about the girl. Are you being selfish? You ask for help for yourself, but perhaps it is you who needs to be giving the help, to the girl. They don't ask for much.

If you do not wish to consider her feelings, that's fine, but you will always have these problems.
Author:  trixsta [ Tue Mar 30, 2010 10:35 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
For those of us who aren't fluent in (I'm guessing) UK Lingo:
Quote:
1. An individual who cares not for relationships beyond the realm of the sexual, these people sleep with many partners not caring about anything save for the moment of climax.
Sorry, I thought slag was pretty much universal!
Quote:
But managing expectations does not mean treating them like objects so they don't develop feelings for you.
That's where I'm going wrong Gamble, ever since I started sleeping with the first one I've sort of laid off the affection and tried to keep texting her to a minimum. So the problem is lack of comfort after all.
Quote:
If you do not wish to consider her feelings, that's fine, but you will always have these problems.
It's not that, I just don't know where to draw the line in comfort. I don't cuddle up after sex even if I want to because the girls say that's when they fall for the guy, so I stopped doing other things as well. I see the problem now though.
Author:  R.G. [ Tue Mar 30, 2010 5:54 pm ]
Post subject: 
Slag = slut...but perhaps a more loose and derogatory form.

That's cool man, good that you're coming to a conclusion.

Don't take my word for it though, I could be wrong. This is just my experience, although I've had quite a bit of it so don't see it being too far wrong at least in this culture.
Quote:
It's not that, I just don't know where to draw the line in comfort. I don't cuddle up after sex even if I want to because the girls say that's when they fall for the guy, so I stopped doing other things as well. I see the problem now though.
Ya you're right. We also have to remember that we can't trust what girls think of love & attraction. I recall sarging an HB8 in a café once (this is over a year ago). She was a friend of a friend so I knew it was going to be easy game, but my friend had told me that he'd tried everything and had no luck - that she had some massive bitch shield going on or something. It only took me a bit of saying nothing (non-verbal game) and not falling for her tests to get her attracted. She was then craving for attention, so I started the onslaught of NLP (lol) by asking her what qualities she liked in a guy. She realised this was me screening her, which may have biased her answer, but nonetheless, she was like "ummm....a good sense of humour"...to which I replied...."No you don't, don't lie. You like a guy who can turn you on....sexually...". She blushed profusely at this and stuttered a mumble of a reply. OK, tangent over, point is, girls generally can't intellectualize their feelings; they only rationalize them, which is far from the same thing.

I only gave you half an answer though. Looking at my good experiences (as opposed to the bad ones), the FBs that have been successful and kept over time, this is the pattern I notice that could help you:

1. Once nearing sex for the first time, I manage expectations peripherally rather than directly by saying things like how I'm attracted to other girls and how I'd bang other girls. It's like many things with girls - there's no need to verbalise/spell it out, they're emotionally sensitive - by me saying things like that, she understands where I'm coming from. Some people may advocate verbalising this stage - I would say there's no need if you can make it clear through other means, and this also avoids ASD which prevents LMR (note - I rarely get LMR).

2. After banging her, I THEN verbalise expectations. Again, there's no need to - I've gone through months with FBs without doing so. But, the reason I do, might be important to you Trix; I do it so I can then be open about how much I love them and want to cuddle them etc (a lot) without either of us having to worry about commitment or attachment. This then prevents the problem you're having. You kill two birds with one stone - you can do what you want with them, without the trouble of commitment/attachment.

The way I most recently pitched it was something like:

"I don't think a serious relationship is right for either of us at this stage in our lives, but I really like you because you're chill & fun so we should stay in touch."

OK, so I used more NLP more but I didn't want to go into that because its totally unnecessary. Just tailor it to the girl, don't use the word "fuck buddy" (do you want her to think of herself as a slag??), because they understand when you say "not a serious relationship".

As long as you're always sharing and adding value, and creating a positive environment for both of you both individually and together, you won't go far wrong.

On a side/interesting note, the girls who've had any degree of one-itis for me have only really been the ones that I started sarging and then for some reason (usually a friend liked her) I stopped, or just rejected in some way. I think it's more about completing the process or not sarging at all than anything else.
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