Hey Everyone,
It seems most guys think of building comfort with someone as anything that pretty much isn't actively building attraction or sexual framing in nature. The real truth is what most of us think as comfort building most girls think of as "fluff talk." By "fluff talk" I mean it's just casual chit chat. The thing is we don't just want to make her comfortable we want a "connection" to be built with her. This takes being more in depth than most guys think.
I didn't get a chance to get into this when we did "Comfort Explained" previously. I touch on but didn't get into this really important aspect. Comfort Explained Blog Post I talked about some questions to ask during Comfort 2 the "connection" stage but didn't get into what you talk about and how you need to respond to those questions.
When I listen to most guys talk to girls to build comfort they are saying things like:
"I grew up in xxxx town."
"I went to college at xxxx."
"I like xxxx team."
"Xxxx is my favorite type of music."
"xxx is my favorite color."
"Xxxx is my favorite food."
"My birthday is on xxx."
"I have xxx number of siblings."
Although these types of questions are part of it we are missing a key element here, the emotional part. I know for many of us guys we are facts based and results oriented. We don't expand on our comments or answers much. Now different personalities of girls will want various amounts of information, but most want much more than most of us give them. They like to have some details and not just factual details.
That basically means you need to go the extra mile. Instead of me saying I have 6 siblings. I say, "I'm adopted, and when I found my family and WOW! I have 6 siblings. 3 half brothers and 3 half sisters. They are xxx ages. They are into xxx. etc." I give her a whole lot to go on. I talk about how it made me feel and what type of relationship I have with them. That is important for her to hear.
She is going to be able to talk about my adoption and going through reuniting with my parents which is what most women go for. Some talk about what my sisters are into. They then relate their life experiences to what I went through on some level. And that is what makes a "connection" and we do the same thing back to her.
If we reverse this situation and she's talking to me about this life changing emotionally charged event. I need to relate to it in whatever way I possibly can. Perhaps I can talk about how the relationship I have with my brothers and sisters and how I feel about it. If I don't have siblings I'd talk about something emotionally challenging I went through.
You need to relate to her and actually share experiences from you own life. Personally, I don't like talking about my adoption much because it's just a part of my history. To me it's family stuff that should be kept private. When meeting and connecting with women it's a goldmine and I should talk about it in damn near every set I can. There are other aspects of my life that I can draw from too. It doesn't have to be some huge event, it can be anything.
Just remember to give her more to go on than some basic statement. Tell the story then talk about how you felt when it happened. How you dealt with what you went through good or bad. How you feel about it today. Notice I'm using the word "feel" a lot, and that is completely intentional.
This is the real key to building a solid comfort connection with someone. This is what makes people more comfortable with you, is that they actually know something about you. And knowing your favorite team isn't enough! The need to identify with you. They can take their life experiences and relate them to yours. When the girl identifies that way you have a real "connection" and not just basic rapport.
Another way to build a connection is by the concept of having a "shared frame." What do I mean by "shared frame?" This is the idea that you two are sharing a moment in time that no one else is apart of. As an easier example to give if you and someone else you know have an "inside" joke. You two are laughing about it but no one else knows what is going on. You two would have a "shared frame" in that example. Inside jokes are always good, and you can also achieve this by things like roleplaying, and bouncing to a new location with her.
When bouncing you will move from the place you met in and go for the "instant date" in a new place but during the same night. Since you are going from a "common frame" with the rest of the venue and now moving to a new location you have a "shared frame" now. It's not you and the rest of the club or her friends. It's just the two of you togeher now. This in itself also creates a "connection" to her. I'll have more on how to actually go about this on a later post.
This is how you really get women comfortable with you. You'll need this if you truly want to start a relationship with her. Your ability to build basic rapport comfort and the "connection" will help you get more phone numbers, kiss closes, and dates. The reason for this is simple. If you can get to this point in the interaction and then ask for her number, go for a kiss, or setup a date. She's more likely to agree since she is both attracted to you and feels a "connection" with you as well.
Get out there guys and use this!
Jon
Originally posted on JSmooth26.blogspot.com