PUA Forum :: Lifes rough when you don't have a family...

Family and friends are just a source of expected validation and comfort. People put way too much value into it.

Im not making this up without experience, i got kicked out when i was 17 and had to make a life for myself. While family is important to me, i CAN do without them, and often times have to.

The MOST important thing in the world to me, IS me. Im the only one with my best intrest in hand. Im the only one whos going to better my life. Im the only one who has control over where i am and where i go.

You can spend your whole life being mad at your family, society, circumstance, or what have you...you can spend your whole life making excuses and reasons for why, who, how, etc...

Bottom line is your life is in your hands, and your only gonna spite yourself by not taking life in your hands and controlling where you end up.

The minitue you look to others, be it family, friends, aquantinces, or role models, to define who you are...YOU LOSE.

While i understand the pain and the emotional problems connected with the feeling of rejection by the people who are suppossed to be closest to you, its NOT an excuse to be down or limit yourself.

I could ramble on about this but i think ive at least highlighted my main points, i hope you see the truisms here and can start the healing process and make progress in your life regardless of family, friends, circumstance, or environment....your only a victim if you let yoursefl be.

Author:	TrojanMan88 [ Fri Jan 11, 2008 8:36 pm ]
Post subject:	Lifes rough when you don't have a family...
is anyone else going through this? I don't have a family brings me to tears when I think about this subject and I dont know man it just sucks...kinda affects my g style BUT NOT MUCH!....

Author:	TrojanMan88 [ Fri Jan 11, 2008 8:57 pm ]
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has this affected anybody elses game bcuz it has mine...

Author:	Jack [ Fri Jan 11, 2008 9:21 pm ]
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I know what you mean man. It can easily lead to problems when it comes to comfort building and it can be taken to both extremes. 1) become needy 2) be scared to build comfort In reality though, as much as people say family and friends are all you got in this world- they are all wrong. All you have is yourself. As much as I disagree with a lot you have to say in many of your other posts, the lack of structure in your sentences and your complete disrespect and butchering of the english language, I wish you the best of luck. It's tough, however, to get through someting like that because of a couple things. Usually if we want something we are able to get it with hard work and persistance but your situation is a little different. I think you have to realize that family isn't your blood, it's who you give your heart to. And then once you get that you can move on to the next obstacle in your life.

Author:	T8SIG92 [ Fri Jan 11, 2008 9:33 pm ]
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family is overrated

Author:	L.A. Tripp [ Fri Jan 11, 2008 9:38 pm ]
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Quote: I know what you mean man. It can easily lead to problems when it comes to comfort building and it can be taken to both extremes. 1) become needy 2) be scared to build comfort In reality though, as much as people say family and friends are all you got in this world- they are all wrong. All you have is yourself. As much as I disagree with a lot you have to say in many of your other posts, the lack of structure in your sentences and your complete disrespect and butchering of the english language, I wish you the best of luck. It's tough, however, to get through someting like that because of a couple things. Usually if we want something we are able to get it with hard work and persistance but your situation is a little different. I think you have to realize that family isn't your blood, it's who you give your heart to. And then once you get that you can move on to the next obstacle in your life. Excellent points Jack.

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Author:	Rye Lee [ Fri Jan 11, 2008 9:54 pm ]
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I agree with Jack on this. You have to be OK with just being by yourself. If you need someone else to make you feel happy/complete, then you have a lot of work to do on your inner game. I was talking to my roommates last night and they have basically bailed on their plans to stay over in Europe and get work Visas and travel around working and learning stuff. I thought it was a great idea for them, cause they would actually learn some life skills and grow as people. I tried to encourage them to go through with it, but they said they kinda just wanted to move back to the small town just north of Calgary and live there doing low paid jobs and just getting by, all so they can hang out/live with their friends. Personally I love hanging out with my friends, but I wouldn't ever limit myself because of them. I haven't lived in the same town as my best friend for 5 years and I've been in a completely different province for 3 years. Sure I've missed him, but you just meet new people, you become self-reliant and more capable and you grow as a person. Same thing goes with not being near your family (my best friend won't leave our home town, cause he won't move away from his family), you just need to become self-reliant and social with other people, you can stay in touch with email, chat, webcams, phone, letters, etc. If your family is dead on the other hand, then you really need to grow and become able to be happy with yourself and how you're living, because that's usually why people tend to hang around their families, they feel that need for support in their lives and a desire to be appreciated. Unfortunately sometimes life sucks and people die and sometimes it's the people that matter most in you life, but you learn to live with the values that they had that you respected them for and that you went to them for and you associate with people who have similar personalities.

Author:	L.A. Tripp [ Fri Jan 11, 2008 10:06 pm ]
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Good point there too Rye. My father-in-law is almost 50 years old and has his entire life refused to move away from where he lives, JUST because his parents live there. He's worked a low paying job all of his life where he's not respected and all that crap too. For the same reason . . . to stay by his parents. Sure, family is important, but if they are alive, you CAN'T let them keep you from living your own life.

Author:	chio [ Fri Jan 11, 2008 11:08 pm ]
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It's always good to know that someone genuinely cares for you. If you don't have that then get a dog.

Author:	Jack [ Fri Jan 11, 2008 11:18 pm ]
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Chio It's great but not necessary. And if you aren't growing from it then that "great" turns into the most detrimental thing that could ever happen to your personal development. You become stagnant and put your happiness in something external. But then again for some people it IS necessary at first to get that understanding that it isn't. But in reality I don't think it is I'm just being nice

Author:	Bedrock [ Sat Jan 12, 2008 3:56 am ]
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To DTM Fuck No. Family is not overrated. Family is the most important thing in the world to me. I would give everything for my family. If my brother needed a kidney, I would give it to him in a heartbeat. I also agree with jack. I have a few very close friends that are basically brothers to me. I would take a bullet for them. You dont have to be blood to be family. So my suggestion to you trojan, would be to make alot of friends and whichever ones you like best, basically make them your inner circle. The more you hangout with them, the more I think they'll become like family instead of friends to you. I hope that you'll at least try this. Good luck bro.

Author:	Ka [ Sat Jan 12, 2008 4:58 am ]
Post subject:
Family and friends are just a source of expected validation and comfort. People put way too much value into it. Im not making this up without experience, i got kicked out when i was 17 and had to make a life for myself. While family is important to me, i CAN do without them, and often times have to. The MOST important thing in the world to me, IS me. Im the only one with my best intrest in hand. Im the only one whos going to better my life. Im the only one who has control over where i am and where i go. You can spend your whole life being mad at your family, society, circumstance, or what have you...you can spend your whole life making excuses and reasons for why, who, how, etc... Bottom line is your life is in your hands, and your only gonna spite yourself by not taking life in your hands and controlling where you end up. The minitue you look to others, be it family, friends, aquantinces, or role models, to define who you are...YOU LOSE. While i understand the pain and the emotional problems connected with the feeling of rejection by the people who are suppossed to be closest to you, its NOT an excuse to be down or limit yourself. I could ramble on about this but i think ive at least highlighted my main points, i hope you see the truisms here and can start the healing process and make progress in your life regardless of family, friends, circumstance, or environment....your only a victim if you let yoursefl be.

Author:	L.A. Tripp [ Sat Jan 12, 2008 5:14 am ]
Post subject:
Quote: Family and friends are just a source of expected validation and comfort. People put way too much value into it. Im not making this up without experience, i got kicked out when i was 17 and had to make a life for myself. While family is important to me, i CAN do without them, and often times have to. The MOST important thing in the world to me, IS me. Im the only one with my best intrest in hand. Im the only one whos going to better my life. Im the only one who has control over where i am and where i go. You can spend your whole life being mad at your family, society, circumstance, or what have you...you can spend your whole life making excuses and reasons for why, who, how, etc... Bottom line is your life is in your hands, and your only gonna spite yourself by not taking life in your hands and controlling where you end up. The minitue you look to others, be it family, friends, aquantinces, or role models, to define who you are...YOU LOSE. While i understand the pain and the emotional problems connected with the feeling of rejection by the people who are suppossed to be closest to you, its NOT an excuse to be down or limit yourself. I could ramble on about this but i think ive at least highlighted my main points, i hope you see the truisms here and can start the healing process and make progress in your life regardless of family, friends, circumstance, or environment....your only a victim if you let yoursefl be. I'll give that an AMEN.

Author:	Bedrock [ Sat Jan 12, 2008 6:58 am ]
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wow. so from what i have just observed here on this post, i feel that a good amount of the people on the forum (that is a general statement based on the replies to this post) have family issues. Now this may just be me, or it may be true. this is just how i feel. you may agree or you may not. but hold out till the end because i feel that this may be important. I think that many are on this forum because of the fact that they have family issues. maybe they had a fight with their parents and were kicked out at an early age. idk. But usually a family teaches a child the essentials that are needed for life (i.e. how to survive, how to replicate...which in modern terms means how to get a job, how to get a gf..etc). But it seems to me, that most of you turned to PUA because your family failed to teach you the essentials of getting a gf. (No offense intended) Now dont get me wrong. I have a strong family. I said something similar in my post earlier. My family has taught me everything I need to know about the real world. They made me get a job in 7th grade. They gave me so much responsibilities that I finally realized that these resposibilities greatly relate to stuff I will have to do on my own. So they approached the "How to survive" angle a little differently. But they never really mentioned how to get a gf. My dad made off-handed comments here and there but never sat me down and had the man to man talk of the birds and the bees. Which is why I turned to PUA. I needed to learn all this on my own. While I tried and failed in school, they never once made the effort to help me with girls. Hell the only time that a gf subject is brought up is when I talk to my brother. Rye Lee stated: "Unfortunately sometimes life sucks and people die and sometimes it's the people that matter most in you life, but you learn to live with the values that they had that you respected them for and that you went to them for and you associate with people who have similar personalities." Now I think that is an excellent point. I think that just about every sinlge family member possess' a quality that you should strive to have. Whether its a sick grandpa that refuses to give up (I would say that that quality is the heart and courage of a lion) or a sweet and caring grandmother. You see these qualities that these people you look up to possess and you strive to have them. Then when they pass away, thats when that quality seems to emerge. Ka stated: "Family and friends are just a source of expected validation and comfort. People put way too much value into it. Im not making this up without experience, i got kicked out when i was 17 and had to make a life for myself. While family is important to me, i CAN do without them, and often times have to. The MOST important thing in the world to me, IS me. Im the only one with my best intrest in hand. Im the only one whos going to better my life. Im the only one who has control over where i am and where i go. You can spend your whole life being mad at your family, society, circumstance, or what have you...you can spend your whole life making excuses and reasons for why, who, how, etc... Bottom line is your life is in your hands, and your only gonna spite yourself by not taking life in your hands and controlling where you end up. The minitue you look to others, be it family, friends, aquantinces, or role models, to define who you are...YOU LOSE. While i understand the pain and the emotional problems connected with the feeling of rejection by the people who are suppossed to be closest to you, its NOT an excuse to be down or limit yourself. I could ramble on about this but i think ive at least highlighted my main points, i hope you see the truisms here and can start the healing process and make progress in your life regardless of family, friends, circumstance, or environment....your only a victim if you let yoursefl be." Now with this I agree and I disagree. This is just an opinion so Ka, dont get mad or upset. I agree that only you can control your life and that your only a victim if you let yourself be. But I disagree with basically everything else. In my opinion, its not good to keep only your best interest in hand (one of the things I learned from having a supportive family). Also when you look to others, be it family, friends, aquatinces, or role models, you dont look to define who you are. You look to better yourself.

Author:	L.A. Tripp [ Sat Jan 12, 2008 9:21 am ]
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Now, not all of us have bad or non-existent families. I actually have great parents, and a great family of my own. However, not everyone has that. Also, I believe Ka's point was not that we should only have our own interests at heart, but that no one else has our best interests in mind, usually. Honestly, most people have their own best interests in mind, which means that we have to have our own best interests, because no one else will. Simple as that.

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Author:	Ka [ Sat Jan 12, 2008 10:15 am ]
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Dont worry man, im an open book...there is very little that you could say to me thatd make me mad or hurt my feelings. Due to a strong education in psychology and economics, i know that NO-ONE has your best intrest in mind...its impossible. They can not factor into thier opinion all the intricate details of your life, and for what they dont know they use THIER judgement based on THIER best intrest. Also, you CANNOT keep other peoples best intrest at hand, because every action you do IS selfish. If you do something nice for someone, you do it for you...be it a direct reward from the person, or a positive emotional feeling you get from your actions. If you dont beleive me, stop yourself next time you do something nice, and locate the REAL reason your doing it at that very moment. Be honest with yourself and you'll see that its not as selfless as you thought. My point is that most people constantly seek aproval and validation from thier family...in a supportive family this is a positive thing, since they give it to you in some degree. BUT MOST families are dysfunctional, very few are "normal". My main point was that in life you CANNOT blame anyone but yourself for your short commings. Everyone is where they are at right now because of thier actions or inactions, positive or negative. It took me 24 years to stop blaming my family, unfortunate circumstances, and my environment for my problems. Dont get me wrong, i truely beleive my parents raised me well...but they have thier problems and have not gotten over blaming others (or other things) for them...essentially they have not faced thier problems. As for most of the people here, i think the sample your getting from this post is based on these types of people because the subject matter relates very closely to us. Id say that people are no more prone to seek PUA for thier misfortunes then they are to seek religion or a hobbie, etc. Also, to Trojan, bro i really hope your reading this and taking it to heart. While i personally do not care for you, i think it took real guts (not macho fronting) to post something like you did, and i hope you meant it and can relate to the reactions you are getting. When someone reaches out like this and shows real emotion and vulnerability i can respect that regardless of past actions, i did my best to return that heart felt emotion in my response.