My boy GFRESH suggested I post this one, so here goes.
for starters understand that I live in a very active nightlife district, two blocks to a boulevard with maybe twenty bars on it, and even more dives on side streets. Took me a while, but I have been learning how to make it work. This report isn't really going to teach much but it's a funny story.
I'm leaving a hookah bar at last call, 2 a.m. every bar legally has to shut down. It's about eight blocks to get to my house. Halfway there I run into a cute girl walking past me. Nothing special here, I just stopped her, started talking, and after a minute or so said she should just come back with me. She was in (this is not the way you wanna be doing this regularly, but shit even the billion to one odds of a powerball ticket still has a few winners each year right?). We start walking and before we've even gone a full block down the street it becomes apparent that we are both very drunk. I can't speak for what's going on in her mind, but coordination is nonexistent between us. I realize this could be a problem if one of us falls and hurts ourselves along the way. Solution: I pay a gitny driving by $15 to drive about five blocks. Whatever I wasn't taking the risk.
We did not hook up that night despite messing around because I was too wasted to operate properly. Instead we hook up that morning. However, in the aftermath of sex we are bullshitting and she calls me "Devin." That is not my name. Unsure how to approach this, guys. I figure she just fucked up my name, who knows how many dudes hit on her that night. So I inform her that I am not Devin. She reacts by laughing hysterically. She's not laughing at the mixup, but rather than she was convinced the entire night and this morning that I was one of her friends from high school. She proceeds to tell me that this dude has been in relationships as long as she's known him, and this was the first night she was with him and other friends when he was single so she wanted to try to fuck him. For the record, there is a resemblance. THE ENTIRE REASON MY SUPER "DIRECT" PICKUP WORKED WAS THAT SHE ALREADY THOUGHT WE WERE GOOD FRIENDS! What the fuck man?! Now at this point I'm a little panicked because this girl could start screaming assault or some shit, that's how the world is today. Instead she keeps laughing and just kinda accepts that, well she at least got some dick.
The very least I can do is drive her home, since it was one of her friends that brought her into the city, and at the end of the day I am an okay guy. We start gathering our things to leave, when she finds her phone and realizes that she has zero missed messages or calls. I repeat, she wandered off alone, found a random guy, spent the night at his place, has been unaccounted for for hours, and not one of the friends she was with sent so much as a text message asking where she was. This is one of the funniest parts of an incredibly humorous series of events. The final feather in the cap? She's a grad student in another state just here for the holiday break, which means she's staying with her fucking parents. I get to drop the random at her mom and dad's house, and literally five seconds after I pull up her mom pulls up behind me and goes in the driveway. I don't need that conversation, so I tell her even though it wasn't quite the plan, I'd definitely be in for a repeat. Hasn't worked yet, I think the embarrassment of the situation may be too much, but whatever.
I'll type up another report tomorrow, no lay but better information for teaching. This was just fucking hilarious.
These hos ain't loyal