My apologies if this isn't posted in the right section. I couldn't find a more appropriate spot. I would appreciate if anyone has input on where something like this should be posted.
In order to help break down a complicated story, I'm going to tell it in list-form. It's worth the read and gets pretty interesting. Full disclosure, I am seeking advice but I do have some helpful advice of my own based on this experience. It's at the end if you want to just jump to that.
BTW..I am 30. The girl I'm about to talk about is 33 and my intention is to have a serious relationship with her.
1. This woman (a photographer) and I scouted spots to do a photo shoot for my band. She is hot but she was in a serious relationship at the time.
2. We intermittently kept in contact over the following year.
3. She moved from CA to TX.
4. My band toured through TX and she came to our show.
5. We drank and hung out after the show. As she was leaving, I kissed her on the lips. I would have made out with her but she was surrounded by friends. As to not make a scene, a simple peck on the lips would suffice.
6. It had a great impact because we began talking more often and she revealed to me that she liked me since the time we did the photo shoot.
7. Many of our conversations via text were sexually charged, but she wanted it to be known that she was looking for a relationship. I was hesitant to move forward after that because she has a son and I wasn't sure at the time if I could be with a woman who already has children.
8. We spoke on the phone. She was stressed out and needed to talk to someone. She was pretty open about the idea that she can't even get laid because men don't like the idea that she has a son. She went on about how her son is already at an age that it wouldn't be a burden on a new relationship. She was speaking in general terms but it seemed she was talking about us. I drew back even further. No kids was my policy.
9. A long time went by...
10. Finally, after almost a year, she texts me on Instagram after seeing my story update. It doesn't take long before the conversation becomes sexual again. This was exciting. After all that time she was still interested in me! She asks when I'm coming to see her and I told her soon. When she asked how soon, I told her that I was going to surprise her. This seemed to me like an exciting approach and she responded in excitement, but as you will soon see it was a BIG F**KING MISTAKE!!!!
11. I go out to Texas. It was a trip to see my father for Christmas, but my biggest motive for making the trip was to see her.
12. After Christmas, I posted that I was in Texas and she immediately messaged me, "???". "Surprise," I responded. I realized that her having to contact me wasn't the best way to convey that I was there to see her. However, we got together that same night.
13. We met at a bar. She came with some friends. We went outside to talk and catch up. She told me that she has been partying hard for the holiday season and went home with someone the night before. I wasn't sure if she was telling me this to see how I would react or if she is just really open about her life. Our previous interactions would suggest that she is just really open. But then she dropped a bombshell. She was leaving in 2 days to go see someone in Vegas for New Year's Eve! I was really bummed but tried to keep it cool.
14. We relocated to another bar where we danced, laughed and made out. I knew then that she was too drunk to sleep with me.
15. We went straight to bed when we got to her place but, as I predicted, there would be no sex that night.
16. We woke up. I started kissing the back of her neck and rubbing her nipples. We had sex for about 20 minutes. It wasn't the best sex but it wasn't terrible either. Just hung over, morning sex. I should have done more foreplay but I just went for it after a few minutes of fingering her. After a while, she told me to cum. I asked "you're done with me already?" "My back is starting to hurt," she responded. I came in her after another 30 seconds. I don't think she came but I'm not exactly sure.
17. We went to breakfast that morning with her girl friend and hung out in the city. We all laughed and had a good time.
18. We went back to her house so I could pick up my belongings. I would have liked to hang out with her more but I picked up that she wanted to be alone to get ready for her Vegas trip. I told her I was leaving but that I really wanted to hang out more when she got back. She said that we would. We made out for a little bit and then her friend gave me a ride. She texted me the day after. "I am still so shaky from the other night that I had to drink some pedialite." "I don't doubt it. You went so hard," I responded
(this would be the last friendly interaction we would have)
19. The day came when she returned from Vegas. She was posting some negative stuff on her social media so I figured things didn't go so well there. I figured that would make her more inclined to want to spend time with me while I was in TX for only 3 more days, but I didn't hear from her on the first day. No big deal. She was probably decompressing.
20. The second day I debated on whether or not I should reach out to her even though I told her to contact me when she got back. Maybe she wasn't ready to see me. But then I thought perhaps she didn't feel so good about always having to contact me first. So I took the initiative and sent her a message on Instagram:
me: how was vegas?
her: it was allllrrriiiggghhht (sic.)
me: want to hang out now that all the holiday stuff is over with?
(the next day)
her: we can but I won't be good company because I'm going thru some shit. ;(
me: that's fine. I can cheer you up.
me: can I come by?
(at this point, I wanted her to know I wasn't expecting sex and that I just wanted to visit while I was still in TX)
me: we can just talk and listen to music
her: I'm still at work.
(at this point I'm definitely seeing a lack of interest since she didn't tell me what time she was getting off of work.)
me: Let's meet up when you get off
(an hour passes)
me: so I'm going to go to the movies now but I have a plan, let's go to a range and shoot guns together! There can't be anything better for going through some shit than that.
(this seemed like a very low maintenance date to me. Perhaps the kind that wouldn't assume too much. Something friendly.)
her: I'll think about it.
(the next morning)
her: When are you leaving?
(perhaps this was when I was supposed to suggest a meeting place and time, but I didn't want her to feel as if she HAD to see me just because I sprung up into her life unannounced. Therefore, I would let her be the one to ask if I still wanted to get together with her before I leave.)
*End of Conversation*
I boarded the plane back to CA and never got as much as a "have a nice flight" from this woman. It's been about a week since then. She still hasn't contacted me and she doesn't even keep up with my posts on social media anymore. It's heart shattering to have been friends with someone for 3 years who now seems to have no interest in me whatsoever.
I ask anyone nice enough to have read this, where do I go from here? Do I contact her after a while? Or do I wait for her to contact me? Do you think she would even contact me after all of this? Any thoughts and input is greatly appreciated! Thank you once again for reading!!
There's only a few possibilities that I can think of as to what went wrong:
a) She was highly invested in her Vegas date and since it went badly for her, she was broken up about it and didn't want the company of another love interest.
b) The sex we had was really bad for her and my company just wasn't that great. (unlikely considering we had a good time together before and after the sex on top of having had a long time connection.)
c) She became uninterested in me because, up until she got back from Vegas, SHE was always the one to reach out to me.
d) She already had me in bed and that's all she really wanted from me.
e) Our interaction after her Vegas trip was too jagged and rough that she was repelled.
f) She was somehow not convinced that I was all that interested in her. (She didn't really know that I was even there mostly just to see her.)
g) She is still into me but the timing was so bad and things got so screwed up that she wants to give it more time before contacting me again.
h) She doesn't take me seriously because she remembers me pulling away after she had mentioned her son.
...this is all I can think of as to why things went the way they did. Please tell me if I'm missing something.
What others should learn from this experience:
1. Never surprise someone with a visit. Even though it may seem like an exciting approach, it's much better to plan things ahead. (This is a newbie mistake, of course.)
2. Don't create high expectations for a potential relationship. Emotions will inevitably get involved and will taint the future interactions you have with that person.
3. Initiate contact every now and then to show interest, but not too much. Just don't make her chase you for too long before you decide to reciprocate her attention. Sure, women like a good chase, but they do have other interests who will strike when the iron is hot.
4. Remain cool when women tell you about other guys they are sleeping with. Whether they want to get a rise or they are just really honest and open, it doesn't do any good to express jealousy (this is where I feel I did pretty well considering I tend to be a jealous person.)
5. A woman with 1 kid = not a big deal. 2 is a crowd. 3 is complete chaos and you better be ready for it! I learned this on other recent dates with women who have kids. I've completely changed my stance on getting serious with a woman who has a child.. just 1 child unless you can handle a crowd.