Today was pretty awesome. However a lot of what happened today [technically yesterday, tuesday] started on Sunday. So let's start this tale with Sunday and skim over the important aspects that lead to today.
SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!
My dad's worrying about shit and being extreme with this whole bedbug preparation shit. I'm listening to him talk to my sister on the phone and grasp that my Younger brother has some sort of mental disorder where you flip the fuck out and forget it all. The way he puts it and my sister puts it is as if it's not something ordinarily associated with flipping the fuck out by most people. And this is where it all starts.
I don't have time to worry about myself anymore. I don't have time to be afraid of my fears. I don't have time for self doubt. I HAVE to be strong and confident. I've gotta figure this fucking shit out, I can't worry about my own insecurities and self doubts and all that other bullshit. My siblings and me, we're getting older and eventually our parents are going to DIE. My older brother doesn't have his shit together, my younger brother doesn't have his shit together. I don't have mine together either. I want the best for my Siblings. My sister's been bearing a lot of the burden and taking care of us and eventually she's going to break under this stress and pressure.
I looked into Zach [the younger brother]. I go on web MD cause m dad's being too much of an emo bitch wallowing in self fucking pity to be of any use at the moment. I'm trying to figure out what the fucks wrong with Zach. I can't really figure it out right away. Instead of pushing myself into a pointless search, considering my sister will eventually tell me, I check on another part of problem instead: ME.
hmm... Depression. Well, yeah I know I'm depressed [cause who doesn't know they're depressed when they're depressed]. It has some advice and pointers, mentions symptoms, blah blah blah. Tells you where to seek help and some other shit that involves professional paying people money [that I DON'T HAVE] shit. AND... it tells you some stuff you should and shouldn't do if you're gonna try and work this shit out on your own. Good.
Do's: Hang out with friends, work out more, get a hobby, meet new people, [basically go out and live life].
Don't: Social isolation, drugs, self medicate [pretty much drugs], blah blah blah.
. o O (hmm... maybe this cool down and avoiding people thing isn't such a hot idea. I think I'm gonna go hang out with Harold tonight and shoot the shit) I think. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand off I go, out of the house on my quest to hang out with friends to help with my horrible depression and shit.
In the previous entry it mentions the whole getting money for the inner tube from my dad and blah blah blah blah. so, i did that before I left and didn't bother checking the time. I just kinda didn't wanna be around him with that horrible "I wanna be down and depressed and worry and busy and shit. Stop trying to cheer me up cause I don't wanna be happy." crap. And seriously, he's so down all the fucking time...
Anyway I've got a pack of smokes with me and I'm walking and I think about puttin' a little "swag" in my walk. My lower back hurts and needs a little stretching and working out, so I kinda just move in a way that helps work it out and get all the kicks out without being too flamboyant and over exaggerating the whole ordeal. I walk with my head held high and think about all the fun I'm going to have. I'm also in that "I don't have time to be upset or insecure cause my family needs me at my best" thing going on [their suffering helps my resolve... Really i do benefit from them being in pain because I care too much about them. Good to know caring about others is good for something.].
I walk past "The dirty trick" [a bar...] and there's a cute girl outside with some dude. I walk over and ask if she has a lighter. She says yes and lets me use her light, I pull out my pack of Marlboro Reds light myself a cig and she says [to my surprise] "I'm digging the cowboy killers." I chuckle a bit and say I'm glad I feel safe smoking them cause I'm not a cowboy. She laughs and gives me this flirty eye contact and says something else in a kinda flirty tone and I contemplate enjoying my night at this bar but think of the bigger picture and move along instead. I felt flattered and positive by that reaction however I didn't care about having anything more than just that. It was fun...
I walk past the fox theatre and there's a crowd of girls going to some show. These girls look like they're in middle school. All thoughts about sneaking in or coming up with some plan to gain entry in there aren't there. [Normally I'm thinking of stuff like that too.]. I walk past these ticket scalpers who ask if I want a ticket to the show and I jokingly say with a chuckle "No way dude, you see the girls in line, they look like they're all in the 8th grade." He laughs and say they probably are but he'd do'em anyway, they're hot. I say "That's not my cup of tea anymore, but more power to ya man." And they all get a good laugh and we're telling jokes then I keep it moving onward to Harolds house.
Eventually I'm there and I'm early and this story fades into the previous post.
Monday.
I wake up fucking drunk and still out of it from the night before. I still don't care about the short hot chick from the bar I was making out with. Hanging out with Harold was fun and really did help with the depression. I got more headway on my brothers mental disorder however I haven't figured anything useful about it yet, like how I can help and so on. At least I'm happier which makes me more likely to be successful and more likely to be able to help him out.
Harolds still busting my balls about the horrible fugly chick I fucked on Sunday. I just mention he fucked her too and he'll shut up for a bit and go onto the short hot chick and ask how I can not care about that and I never truly explain it to him as much as I feign ignorance and say I don't care and don't understand and it's weird. I don't completely understand... but I do understand it's mostly part of me wanting to be happy and that apathy is part of it. Not caring what people think and just having fun seems to work out. I care about them and their well being and safety and all that, just not what they think of me really. I enjoy their company and when they annoy or irritate me if it's a big thing I put a stop to it... I'm starting to fine tune all of this and it's not the most simple thing to explain to Harold, who loudly and obnoxiously tells girls they're gorgeous. He acts like a cartoon character sometimes you know.
So, throughout the day I'm pretty much ignoring the shit out of the short hot chick on facebook and fucking around on OKCupid [mostly just ranking girls with 5 stars since it's the quickest way to get them to notice my profile. They'll be notified I gave them a 5star rank and they usually check out mine and give me a 5star back or send a message if they like what I have on my profile... It also lets me see more profiles a lot quicker and work on this other thing I've been doing where I try to get a vibe off them based on their photo. So far I've been pretty accurate, I'll see a girl with a look about her and my intuition says she's my type of girl. I check out her profile and she's really nice, kind, sweet, likes videogames, funny, sarcastic, and/or some other qualities I love in a girl].
Our friend Rex comes over and we're going to go to the bar. First bar we go to there aren't many girls around. Well there's a few but they're in their tables talking to friends and I just don't give enough fucks to bother talking and I'm enjoying my beer instead and bsing with Harold and Rex and some guy outside who's upset because his pregnant girlfriend's going through moodswings on him. He just needed someone to talk to really. At some point we're talking about girls and he says girls are easy. Getting money for a drink isn't. And I decided to accept what he said as true: Girls are easy. It's simple really simple. maybe I don't entirely get it but I'm not going to worry about that just focusing on the "girls are easy" part.
We leave and go to another bar and there's three guys outside and this really hot chick. I asked a dude for a cig and he gives me one and the girl says "Hail satan!" the three guys say it too and I say "Blood orgy!" and the girl has a weirded out look and says "What the fuck?!" like there's something wrong with me and I say "Southpark. Forest critters. Hail satan. Blood orgy." The guy who gave me the cigarette laughs and says "That was a great episode." Looks at her and says "It's cool I didn't catch the reference at first either." The other one jokes that maybe they drank too much and we stand around telling tasteless jokes and bsing for a bit before they head out and I go in the bar.
Later I'm outside talking to this girl and some guy I'm really hoping is gay. I don't remember how this convo got started either. I think maybe I mentioned her coat and we ended up cracking jokes and being silly. The main this was that I didn't really care what the hell I said or what they thought I was just having fun and being social. I go inside and later I'm back outside and they're there again too.
Harold and Rex had came outside at this point. I made some joke with negative undertones that was that Harold didn't get right away and he said "It's cool though cause you got laid yesterday." to which I respond "I thought we were never going to speak of that again. That doesn't count and it never happened." the girl with the coat and her friend [who i hope is gay and not interested in her] inquire about what we're talking about and I say "What are you talking about? What?!" and Harold says "Well that short chick from last night wasn't too bad."
And we end up telling the story of the short chick I made out with. Mostly Harold did and was seemingly still in shock about the whole ordeal. Coat girls laughing a little bit and asks me "You didn't care?!" I say "yeah, it's weird to me too. Hottest chick in the bar is making out with me and I didn't care." Harold says "He really didn't care at all. I don't understand it." I say "I'm just as shocked. In the past I'd be all excited and shit about that sorta thing." We stopped talking about this and the coat girl and he friend are telling jokes and we're being funny and silly then I go inside and Harold, Rex, and me leave. Rex then drops me off at home and I go to sleep.
It was fun cause I had fun talking to chicks and just didn't care how things turned out.
Tuesday [today... okay it was yesterday since it's 01:33 right now].
I had an interview. I wake up and drink this Lemonaid I'd saved from the other day. Yummy delicious lemonaid... mmmm. I go upstairs and my dad's not being so emo anymore [thank fucking god]. I had taken a shower earlier. Anyway i go on facebook and Hayley [short chick I made out with] is online. I send her a message saying "What are you doing this week? I should have a pretty open schedule." Aaaaaaaaaaaand no response. Oh well, fuck her I have an interview to go to anyway.
I asked my dad to give me bus fair to get there and back and get something to eat [which really translates to me indirectly trying to get money to go do stuff in the city, buy a pack of smokes, and walk home]. He, as I'd predicted, gives me a ride and stops at walgreens to get me money, buys me a pack of smokes, then drops me off at the interview. He'd earlier offered to buy me food before and I said I'd rather eat after [because this means I have money to go and do shit and meet new people] so he gives me money instead of buying me food. HAHA! I'm 29 and live with my dad. Yeah, I know, pretty fucking lame... whatever.
No girls at the interview in the bar I care to talk to. Bossman says the bullshit going on with Hockey is fucking with business and come back in February.... shit.
I go walking away from home and stop at another place. I've been bugging these guys on a regular enough basis they know who I am when I walk in the door and what I want. I say I'm here to check on my app and they say they're not hiring as usual. Whatever... I'll be back.
I continue walking, filled out a few applications and talked to some managers and then get to this coffee shop. Few cute girls in there I wander on in. I get a cup of coffee and sit at the bar. I look around the room and there's two cute, yet very busy, girls behind the bar. I just enjoy my coffee and don't bug them. A cute chick in the corner on her laptop, eh... don't care to walk over there instead I enjoy my coffee. I chat with like 3 people while I'm there. One was the girl behind the counter. I said I liked her rabbit earings and she tells me how she made them out of a necklace. The other I saw while I went to the bathroom.
I'm enjoying my coffee and all but I wanna meet new people and this place just isn't working out for me at the moment. So I finish my coffee and walk outside and I see some weird looking store 'crossed the street. Out of curiousity I wander over and find it's a record store that sells and buys vinyls. It's got a door bell you have to ring to get inside. While I'm in there I realize how little I care about records and start losing interest pretty fast. The guy working there asked if I needed help and I said "I just wondered what this place was and had to check it out." and he says something like "feel free to browse" in friendly laid back manner.
I see some girl with a sketchbook on my way out and say [Here's my super elaborate opening routine I cooked up guys. Take notes!!! This is GOLDEN!!!] "What'cha drawing?" [HAHA!!! Great right. OH YEAH!!! Lot's of dhv and shit going on there... I put a lot of work into that one.]
She was pretty friendly and funny and says "Just people I'm seeing around here. I'm weird like that." and me and her chat for a while and she's telling me how she goes to school for animation and I start talking about frame rates and she's saying something and asks if I'm lost and I say "I kinda get it. I play a lot of fighting games. I'm into them to the extend I know the frame rates for the moves a character has." and she's asking me about it so I'm explaining how video games usually run on 60 frames a second and she's telling me how tv is usually 24 frames a second and that 60 is "real time" since it's what the human eye picks up and we're having a fun convo going back and forth telling jokes, sharing interesting facts, talking about things we enjoy.
She's talking about track and field and I'd ran track in highschool too. I'm telling her some story about back in high school [without any intention of displaying any fucking values or anything. It's just a story that really happened]. She's enjoying it and telling me funny stories and I ask for her facebook. She gives it to me. I'd mentioned my old sketchbook and the fun stuff I did in it and she's saying they're great idea's.
She was pretty funny, cute, and silly, and I kinda liked her. I really liked chatting with her so I say "I'm going to the bar next door to grab a drink, you wanna come along?" and she smiles and says "yeah and follows me to the bar." The bartender asks for my id and I show it to him. I also had my older one and mentioned I'd forgotten to smile with my eyes in the new one and he laughs and says "You're smeyesing" He looks at the old one and says I'm totally smeyesing in it and she looks at it and laughs and says "You're so Tyra." We go outside and I smoke a cig while I drink my beer and we're just chatting like we've known each other for years and I feel relaxed.
She's not as hot as the short chick. I definitely like her more though. She's funnier and not always drunk  . We go inside and I tell her about this game that's the story teller game [Someone says a sentence, the next person adds to it and so on type of deal] with comic books. So we play this in her sketchbook and end up with a comic where first spider-man has a close up [me], then he's at the beach with a martini but he's fat [she said he let himself go]. I'm all like "man, I've got nothing. I'm drawing a black." and put a rectangle at the top of my box that says "meanwhile" and she says "Dude, that's such a cop out move." I laugh and say I know and draw a picture of Mary-jane crying saying "He left me *sniffle*" She laughs and draws spidey back at the beach with two hot chicks in his arms. I draw a close up of one of the chicks looking really hot with the marilyn monroe open mouth thing going on. This chick laughs again and edits her previous picture so spidey says "Jealous girlfriend senses tingling" and the next panel she draws is one of the girls knockin' spidey out saying "You never said you had a girlfriend!!!" So I draw spidey with a busted up looking face and ripped mask.
Then she looks at her watch and says she's gotta go meet up with her mom for something. So I walk with her and bullshit as she's going back to her car. When we get there I give her a hug [AW YEAH KINO ACTION!!!!] and she thanks me for walking her and says "You better add me on facebook." and smiles. So... I'm not done yet.
I'm off to another bar. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's not really dead as much as the same shit from the coffee shop. Everyone's in groups and shit and already talking to people and I don't feel like opening the groups. Too much fucking work, fuck that shit. I talk to these two indian guys and bullshit for a bit. Finish my beer and head towards home. That place was a waste of my time at the previous moment [I didn't wanna open groups and put in that sorta effort so I was just gonna drink beer and smoke cigs. I wanted to meet chicks and it just wasn't going to happen with my mindset and that setting, off I went.]. I'm thinking . o O (It's always good to know what to tactfully retreat) as I'm leaving.
So, from the bronx too Temple bar.
At this point I just want a cheap $1 beer and I wanna bs with George the owner [gay dude who's really awesome] and see the cat and the dog [seriously this bar is fucking awesome. It's got a cat and a dog in it and the owner's pretty fucking cool too]. I get a beer, pet the cat, pet the dog. I'm siting there drinking and George offers me some hummus he made [and it was pretty good too]. The other bartender is there drinking and one of the regulars is on her kindle. And some couple is there also. So.... no girls worth talking to, but I have $1 beer!!! HAHA!
These two cute chicks walk in the door and sit at the end of the bar and Jeopardy's on TV. Their seats have a better view of the tv and I feel like watching it so I move down and ask if it's okay if I sit next to them [great move outta my playbook. I politely ask if I can sit next to them, oh yeah]. We're watching jeopardy and the girl closest to me says she feels like her grandma, but with alcohol. I chuckle cause I think it's funny and we're answering questions and then they ask what my name is and introduce themselves and the cat comes over. We're all talking about how awesome this cat is [it's so laid back all the time].
The one girl is asking me if I know how to get back at this guy and tells me some story about how she'd worn these 4" heels, a dress, and bought $70 worth of food and cooked him dinner and he said she's just a friend to her but he'd been off and on with her for 4 years or some nonsense and just used her. I'm like "um... What do the heels matter?" [I just don't think it really mattered] and she says something about lookin' pretty. I say that maybe he just wasn't into her and I didn't see anything wrong that he did so far and she ellaborates and tells me some other shit he did [I don't remember but basically fucking all of her friends, her, saying he loved her, and then randomly saying she's just a friend after she does that dinner thing]. I say "Oh! Sounds like he's tying to play you and do some mind games and shit." And she asks if I know how to get back at him I say "Fuck it. Just forget about him and move on." and she says she's not gonna talk to him anymore but still wants to get him back so I tell her this story about my older brothers ex and how I fucked this chick over.
When she was 4 there was some elephant thing she wanted that her mom got, who said she's give it to her as a wedding gift. So years later she's dating my older brother just cause he's popular in the church and they get engaged. I thought she was a bitch and kept telling my brother to ditch her, but he doesn't. Her mom gives my brother the elephant as an early wedding gift.
Then this other dude starts getting popular in the church more so than my brother. My brother's fiance is talking to him a lot and spending a lot of time with him [the guy who's now the most popular guy in church]. She dumps my brother and waits EXACTLY 3 weeks and dates the other guy [big shocker there]. My brother is upset and in tears and I ask [note when I'm telling this story to the girl at the bar I gave an overly exaggerated sinister cold tone for this quote. I like telling stories] "You still have the elephant." He's really upset and crying and gives it to me.
I smashed it into pieces and put all those pieces in a box and gift wrapped that box. And then I started being nice to this girl [who was fake, full of shit, and fooling so many people in the church into thinking she's actually a nice person]. I was nicer and nicer and apologetic about my previous behavior. 6 months later... IT'S HER BIRTHDAY!!!! Guess who's invited... ME!! [in the most cheery happy voice ever I say this next line] I have the perfect gift too!!! [girl at the bar has sinister smile on her face]. I give her the box and tell her that it expresses how I've felt for the last 6 months. She gives me a great big hug and I tell her I want her to wait till she gets home to open it.
Aaaaaaand she didn't show up to church for 3 months and apparently cried horribly and questioned gods existence.
-end story.
This girl at the bar says that it was an awesome story and is trying figure out how to format this. We joke around a bit here and there. Then I stop her and say "The formula is simple: Find something someone cares about and destroy it. That thing cause be abstract or concrete, it's better if it's a combination of both as was the case with the elephant, which is a physical object she's attached abstract idea's and concepts to like sentimental value or marriage." The girl at the bar says that makes sense and they're talking about boy bands and the one without the boy problems [Amanda] says some random band is a boyband technically and I chime in and say the beatles were a boyband and boy problem girl [Micki] says she doesn't like the beatles. I give her a weird look and say "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Amanda says "Yeah, the beatles are amazing." and Micki says "A lot's wrong with me." And we're joking around and stuff again.
Then the two girls get on the topic of celebrities they think are cute and I'm not really participating and Amanda says "We're talking about celebs we think are cute, you're more than welcome to join in." and I say "I think the waitress from it's always sunny in Philadephia is pretty awesome." Micki's thinking of it and Amanda says "Yeah, she's kinda cute and has that nice look to her." and I say "She's pretty funny too, really sarcastic and does the dry humor thing really well." and they both seem to think it's cool that I even noted personality as a reason to find someone attractive.
George gives us all drinks and I don't remember ordering one, but sometimes George is generous. I'm drinking my drink and we're still talking and joking and Micki seems bummed and says she wants to find a guy who'll sleep with her more than once that's not an asshole and I say "I'm sure you'll find someone: You're cute, funny, smart, and sarcastic. I'm sure lot's of guys like you." She doesn't really disagree as much as she kinda says she's just meeting the wrong guys or something of the sort. Amanda adds me on facebook and Micki gives me a card for her business and I put it in my coat pocket and I'm leaving to go home.
I stop at another bar instead... I wanna meet more girls and have more fun conversations.
There's some black guy that seems desperate to fit a stereotype in the bar sitting next to me. I don't know this yet. We're just talking about sports and then randomly Micki and Amanda show up at the bar and see me and I'm like "Hey, fancy seeing you here." They're standing by me but there's only one chair by me so I pull up another one and they sit down. We're joking and stuff like before and the black dude is acting like they're the hottest girls in the world and saying some really cheesy nonsense. . o O (Well, this surely builds up the ole' self esteem) I think to myself [cause this contrast of me not giving any fucks and just talking and having conversation for the sake of the fun vs this due trying too hard to get with this girls and making a big deal about it really does make me feel better about myself. Like I'm really not so bad at this when I'm just me. It's not about being yourself, it's about being comfortable being yourself and not worrying about what happens. You'll at least be happy and make lots of friends].
Black dude seems to get frustrated and he leaves and I'm thinking . o O (I'm soooo glad I don't fit black stereotypes and I'm comfortable being my own person.). I finish my beer and I'm leaving and Amanda asks if I'm leaving, I say yeah and offer a hug. Amanda, Micki, and Me have a group hug and I knocked over a beer in the process. I pick it up and clean it up. It was Micki's but she didn't seem to care or want to drink it anyway. While I'm cleaning it she says "don't worry about that, it's the bartenders job." I say "When I make a mess, I clean it up always. If it's someone else's mess, they can deal with it." and I continue to clean it and I'm done and she says "Well, I guess that makes sense." and I'm leaving.
Note: the mystery beer from the previous bar, as it turned out, was purchased by Amanda for me. I felt loved.
I walk home. I add Adele [the sketchbook girl] on facebook and accept Amanda's friend request. I don't feel like looking for Micki. Hayley [short chick] responded something to my message but I just don't care to check it. I start writing all of this.
And I'm going to go smoke a cig, see if I have more lemonaid, and go the fuck to sleep.
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Canada Girl also blew it. She had her chance. Forget her unless she comes to you.