I am 33 years old. I was a complete AFC three years ago, then I met a girl and moved to her country to be with her. We were together for almost two years while she treated me like shit and eventually cheated on me for who knows how many months.
Needless to say I was devastated. I came back to my country and tried to go on with my life despite my desperation and suicidal thoughts. I decided I had to learn from the experience, which resulted in a lot of introspection and eventually a desire to stop being an AFC and get good with women. So I started learning about pickup artistry. I have gone on more dates and had sex with more women this year than my entire life before combined.
But winter is coming, I'm unmotivated, things are shit again and I'm realizing that there is something in me that's been holding me back all my life and it still won't let go. Not to mention that although I've made a lot of progress I'm still not 100% over what happened with my ex. I feel like it's a scar that will always be there
But what's holding me back besides the thing with my ex? I guess I'm not happy with myself. I'm still not at the PUA level I want to be, my career is pretty much non-existent, I have a pretty bad problem with concentration and I seem to be unable to make meaningful connections with potential friends. I only seem to be motivated to make these kinds of connections with girls I am dating, but it doesn't work out either. Sometimes I try to open up and get them to open up to me, other times I hold back because I know that as a PUA that's the only way to act with a girl you're not in a relationship with.
Well I guess it makes sense that it doesn't work out with the few girls who show some initial interest in me. If I'm not happy with myself, how can I expect them to be happy with me? I don't want to settle for a girl with low self-esteem even though she would be more on my level. It doesn't attract me. Just like I don't attract the high-value girls.
So I have to become high-value. I have to figure out this thing with my career and making connections with people. But I've tried hard and it's not working. I worked like hell on a portfolio and wrote endless job applications. I watched presentations and read books on self-esteem, body language and people skills. Still no job, still no meaningful relationships of any kind. And I still have to figure out why my mind seems to be turning to mush and how I can fix that.
I thought I had found the girl of my dreams 2 months ago. I spent a lot of time analyzing how things were going and trying not to take any wrong steps. I wasn't perfect but I don't feel like I did bad enough to be friendzoned. But that's what happened and I can only attribute it to the fact that I am not happy. In fact I think I've had some level of depression ever since I was a teenager. I try to hide it but it's apparently to no avail. Women can see it and a high-value woman does not want to deal with this shit. And the more they reject me the deeper I fall. I know I take it much harder than I should but how can I not? People have told me that she didn't reject me, she rejected my approach. I don't think that's true. I am being rejected because I am not what women want. I am not what I want. And I don't know what to do about it.
I've tried meditation but I don't feel like I get much out of it. Could it actually work for me if I started doing it everyday even though I can barely focus? The only other idea I have is to start seeing a psychologist. Hypnotism didn't work either by the way. Only one session though. Don't even try to tell me to go on medication because I'm 100% against that. I NEED to get to the root of the problem.
I guess I just felt like writing down some thoughts, but if you have any other ideas let me know. The one question I do have is this: should I keep doing PUA? I'm feeling so shit that I feel like any woman is going to see right through me. And if I start seeing someone regularly it seems almost guaranteed that it's going to fail and make me feel even more shit. And then what happens? I get so depressed that I end up making my suicidal thoughts into reality?