How To Start A Conversation Like A Man - The Essence Of Authenticity
I remember when I was a young man, I absolutely and desperately wanted a girlfriend.
I thought that if I could just get my hands on a real live girlfriend, I would finally be happy.
Crazy right? But stay with me here for a minute…
You see, in order to get one of these fabled girlfriends, I had to first learn how to speak to women.
I had to learn the arts of starting a conversation.
I was determined to learn! I swallowed entire books on the subject, scoured the internet for any bits of information I might be missing. I became obsessed. I studied every possible contingency; Oh she’s with her mother? No problem, I’m ready for it. Her boyfriend just showed up? Here’s how to avoid getting beaten up. Her dog just died and she’s in a hurry to get home to write a pet eulogy? Hey, I’m a great shoulder to cry on, what’s your number?
You get the point.
Well I hope you do, because I sure didn’t… If you pay close attention you will soon realize that I never once stopped to ask myself what kind of connection I was making or hoping to make with these women. If you place a bet that I never saw them as people but instead as only means to an end, then you are 100% correct.
So with that in mind, let’s talk about how to start a conversation, only this time, authentically.
Love is three quarters curiosity
Imagine this scenario for a second;
You’re on your way to work in the morning. You stop by for your morning coffee as you do every single day since forever.
Just as you reach the line up, you notice her…
She’s sitting there all alone, with her morning coffee, reading her book.
“My God, she looks incredible!” You think to yourself. And then, your thoughts kick into overdrive: “She looks busy though” “It’s rude to interrupt” “Maybe she doesn’t want to talk to anyone”, or “She probably has a boyfriend”.
Why are you talking yourself out of this? What you are doing is letting fear control your life, and even worse, it isn’t even a fear for your own safety but fear of rejection – a made up word that has absolutely no reflection on who you are or your worth as a man.
Choose to be curious!
Don’t let fear dictate your life. Live instead like a child. Children are always curious, always looking around passionately and excitedly at the world, always asking the great questions that pop into their heads.
Children don’t overthink, don’t overanalyze and don’t ever stop to ask themselves if they are worthy.
“Hi, I just had to come over. I’m curious about you”
Every great love story begins with curiosity.
Curiosity has no judgments
Curiosity is absolutely free of judgment.
The next time you find yourself thinking “She’s probably busy” or “She doesn’t want to be disturbed” or “She has a boyfriend for sure!” or “She looks like she might be bitchy”, understand: that is only your own judgment.
That is the projection of your mind and not an ultimately reality.
Curiosity is an excited blankness – there are no preconceived notions, only a space for whatever you find. If you’ve already decided that she is a bitch and will rudely shoot you down, then you’ve left no space for her to be who she truly is.
There is no one-sided connection
This is where it gets a bit uncomfortable for some…
If you think that any true great seducer lacks feelings, then you’re dead wrong. If you want a genuine connection with someone, in other words, if you want to start a conversation authentically, you must first open yourself up.
Yes, that means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. If you want someone to open up to you, you must first open up to them. If you want someone to connect with you, you must first learn to connect with them. There’s no way around it.
Casanova once said “I do not conquer, I submit”. There’s an immense power in letting someone in, and after so many years of speaking to incredible women, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a one-sided connection. I can see no other way.
Lead, lead, lead
Right. You’ve made yourself curious. You’ve abandoned all judgments and are completely open and vulnerable. So what do you do? Just sit in silence?
Well yes, and no.
The following is perhaps the question I get asked the most. I can’t blame anyone – I had struggled with the answer myself for many years. Funny thing is that nowadays it does not even cross my mind. What is this question you may ask?
“How do I not run out of things to say?”
I’m not going to answer that question.
I’m not going to answer it because the question implies something deeper and frankly more dangerous: Your focus is on yourself. If you want to know what YOU should say, then you are not curious about her. If you worry about what she thinks of YOU, then you are not vulnerable and open to her. If you are wondering about how to make YOU seem better in her eyes, then you are not free of judgments and opinions.
That was an important realization for me. The moment I shifted my attention from myself to her, everything changed. They say the most interesting man in the world is the best listener.
So listen, but lead the conversation where you want it to go. About a year ago, I decided that I no longer wanted to make small talk. I just wasn’t interested in mental masturbation conversations anymore. I wanted to dig out what is profound and real about the woman standing in front of me. And so, just like that, I skipped right to the questions that mattered to me.
Where are you leading the conversation? Are you languishing in a purgatory of mediocrity? Or is your conversation fueled by passion, mystery, fun and sensuality?
Before I forget – sensuality is important. Men fall in love with their eyes, women with their ears. An important skill for any man to learn is the ability to take her on a trip in her mind, through the pictures you paint with your words.
Where are you right now?
This is the final piece of the puzzle.
If you want to learn how to start a conversation authentically with women, or really with anyone, you must learn to remain fully engaged with the person standing in front of you.
You must learn to give your undivided, fullest attention at all times. In other words, you must learn to remain present.
Let me ask you a question: Where are you right now? Here, now, while reading this. Are you hanging on to every word? Or are you thinking about breakfast. Are you following what I am saying intently, or is half your attention on the internal chatter inside your head?
Most men do not listen. All the women I’ve been with have told me the same thing – men these days no longer listen. You would much rather read up on the next routine, or trick, or tactic to use on her, than to hear what she has to say. While women talk, men are preparing the next clever thing they are going to say. They are running through their arsenal and making inventory of every quip, joke, response or cocky sound-bite they have at their disposal, hoping to see which will best hit the target. The funniest thing is that women will always tell you exactly how to seduce them.
That’s what I’m going to finish with. Women want to be seduced! They want to be romanced! They all have an image in their head of how they want to be made to feel and they will subtly drop clues throughout their time with you. Not verbally – almost never.
But if you shut off the internal chatter, if you show up fully like a man and give her the space she needs to be herself around you, she will open in ways that will astound you. It might be in the way her eyes dance while she’s telling you she won’t give you her number. It might be in the way she walks away from you yet looks over her shoulder mischievously to see if you’ll get her back. It might be in the way she gently touches the palm of your hand when you say something funny. Most men don’t notice – how can they when they are listening to the voice in their own heads?
Be here, now. If you want authenticity in your life, if you want beauty and truth, show up fully and remain here, with her and nowhere else. It will change your life, I promise.
PS: If you really want to learn how to connect with incredible women, plus a ton of other mind-blowing things, see if you have what it takes to qualify for my exclusive mentoring program.
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