@ RiRi & OceanX
True, my confidence was waning, although I am just rebuilding it from the bottom again, but yes, this "incident" knocked me a bit. I guess deep down I have a sense of arrogance and it simply horrify's me on an inner level that she wouldn't be worshiping me and grateful for the fact that I like her. Its pretty messed up. I just fell in love with the idea of having a girlfriend again. You see, I am 32, I come back to my home town after 9 years away, Overall spent 3 years in Moscow 24 to 27 and the rest of my time in Brazil, the time in Moscow I can honestly say hand on heart I had a 18 months of been a pure player. I mean like I reached god status for a while, money was ok (not a key issue I find when it comes to game), I had an HB 9, she was just a hot babe like a model or something, she was pure sex, every man, every man wanted to fuck her. She was awesome and she empowered me allot. i was a totall cunt with her allot, out late ,partying, generaly not giving a fuck, but we also could go out together and just have a ball, we a strong alpha couple, no doubt. I have other little pecks in my life but nothing like that period. Also I was with a soild bunch of bros, and these guys are still bros but of course I moved away, others moved away, and people get married etc and all that. Brazil, it was good, up and down, again, it all came down to how I felt, I spent allot of my life so far living as a slave to my own emotions and warped mind. also the last 10 years have been like this Girlfriend 1 year to 2 years single 1 to 2 years, and so on and so on. My last girlfriend was a very nice girl, a good human you know, she helped my allot with my issues and really went out of her way to heal me, and it worked for the most part  In return I gave her the sex of her life, I mean, really took care of her. Like, I am very good at it with girlfriends, but drunk on a Saturday after 12 drinks.................anyway, I digress.
I will use more alpha words etc and fuck off the online thing. I mean mate, really, I am all about talking, txting a little bit if I have to, but connecting on FACEBOOK after meeting (unless already fucked) honestly does not serve me, I always alwways alwasy say some stupid shit, Always, its a joke. I guess in an abstract and semi-sub subconscious (although I dont think it was this on this case, this one was plain old desperation) way I do it on purpose, to test them, to watch them loose interest, which that proves a point they are just totally open to manipulation on any side, which then depressed me and makes me think whats the point. Some many people just on a very low way of thinking without any real depth, backbone, or even connection with there own selfs, people are so disconnected from the own inner selfs. When I have met some one who isnt, (generally after a year of been single I basicly make them my girl friend, move them in to where ever I am living and we have a very intense and deep relationship until I have exstuated it and her and I am bored. Its like after a year you notice all the hottys and you just start going wild in your mind, really wanting to fuck something else.
Well I am back in my home town now, i was living with my sister for last 12 months, (just living in my inner shall smoking weed and putting work shit together, Although I haev no friends my own age here, all my own friends from school have either moved away or the ones that are here married and on totally different wave lengths, so my friends are my cusions and his crew and my little sisters and there crews (all are alpha leaders) But I guess (well I know) I use that has a spring board and move forward, done it before. (bit of an old hand but as you can see clearly lost my way a bit last period of time)
Well I got a place 2 months ago so of course now I have a locale I need a bird, its been 8 months, and that was a shit one night stand, one of my sisters friends (pre-selection bla bla, but I was so drunk, she pulled me, when she took me to bed, i started to do my work, then I need a piss, went to the loo, had a wee, and lost the power and could not get it going again as was blind drunk so I just slobbered in her ear "it will do it in morning" and then died. She then just left when I was asleep so I never got the morning session, which after a drunk one night side, at least for me, is the better one. So in 13/14 months, that it, that one thing, oh, and one other bird 13 months ago, some bird not great looking pulled in london, but yea, 13 months thats it. So i am crazy man, fucking crazy, and now that I have a place and a will to live again I just got need to sort this.
Am i looking for the one bird,a girlfriend, yes and no, i think i owe it to myself to master this shit again (like i did before when was a little younger) and the after I have dated (fucked a few) and i am back on the PUA vibe then I can make choice. But its not right to settle with a girl if its means having to settle with myself. I cant look at myself in the mirror if I did that to my self. I have to boss this shit, and ok, once I am on the other side again, i am sure I will be like, ok, whatever, the beat goes on, but it would be a dis service to my self to not put myself on the other side. I believe you only fail when you give up trying. As long as you stay focused, even if you fall a million times, the fact that get back up and try again makes you a winner! And unless there is some wrong with your mind, but with that kind of determination you will get want you need, no issue.
You want to know something really fucked up, if I see a really beautiful 9/10 (like skinny model type thing that allot of guys like) I can be like what ever, talk with them, have a laugh natually DHV and I dont know, just easy, but then skinny models dont interest me, its like, not much sex appeal, you know, I think they can just tell I dont care or something but like they can actually tell there is no sexual attraction from my side, I am talking generally here of course and drawing on my personal history and experience, and I have many experiences where they was the one to pull me, (because I was pulling away, but like really pulling away, not like pulling away to do the whole game thing). Anyway, put me with a 5/6/7/8 who is a little chubby (what I like, liek really really like) just some average cute-ish bitch I went to school with and mate, I am shit, oh god, I am shit, I am wanting to fuck them so much, cute little curves, little plain face, whole thing. I guess what I am saying is I have found it much easier with the real hot ones than the average cute ones (that I love so much)..... Ok I dont want to go over the top here, maybe I am going a little OTT, its not like I can get any HB 9 or anything, at all, I am just saying props would find it easier then dealing with some stupid 6/7 bitch who is going though a host of inner personal issues and is watching every thing I say and do to see if it conforms to the norm of that city/country/local community or whatever.
Anyway back to the subject matter at hand, so today I saw that she saw my message at 17:00, ok, and then at 20:47 she post on her facebook
"It's so pathetic how desperate some guys are"
20 geeks guys liked it, all guys I think, let me check, ok 18 guys (and 2 girls). To be honest though, i think this is a bitch who talk to many guys or something, I dont think it was me that inspired that post, but of course who knows, props a few guys asked her out today (she added a few on her FB from the weekend, thats why wanted to close her early, again, no excuse for my idiot behavior, i fucked up). So maybe with me asking her out and no doubt a few others she just made the post. In any case, I have great news every one.
I official dont give a fuck. Its official. Which makes me mad at my self for even putting my self and heart though all of that for 24/48 hours or something, it slike I need to get a grip.
Well, I will call her, but I dont want to. All I want to do is delete her and never speak to her again, fucking whore!!!!! But I will call her, and I will just boss the bitch about on the phone if needs be and correct her, i knew there was a daugour with this girl from the beginning as she as allot of male geek freak worshipers (she is pro gamer) that I must not, not fall her to her world because as soon as I do she has controled. The moment I gave her my FB on SMS I put the first step in her stupid day online world, then when I stated chating and just having honest open conversation with her I took 2nd step.
GAME OVER. fuck me, it was so obvious, I already knew this shit. I already fucking knew. But still I WAS desperate, i was even plaining our futures together in my mind for a few hours that sunday night so I totally fucked it when we spoke on the Monday.
Anyway, I will call her, but honestly, I dont even know that I want to speak to her untill next week now, or shoudl I say try and speak to her, who knows, maybe she wont answer. but guys, we did connect when we met, like it was real. Not a pull/a close/ a connection. ANYWAY.
The good thing is RiRi Is there is no pain anymore. That as gone.
@ oceanx
Totally in agreement
Meet/text/date/sex keep that in mind, it will be the code Meet/text/date/sex, Meet/text/date/sex, ok I can do it. but still weak on txting but I will spend time and time learning, I have been practicing on Tinder, OMG, so ridiculous conversations on there to begin with, but I am getitng better. But for sure, fuck all the digal stuff, I will begin taking girls when I see them,
In the supermarket, in the bar, on the street, on the train, the bus i will do it, although as I write this words I feel the anxiety enter me, i am not cured. But I just need to rebuild slowly I guess one building block at a time.
Well I will let you know what news comes along, sorry for this been so long message but I have allot inside and I guess I need to let it out some how.
Thank you for listing, really, i am feeling less alone. Although at the same time I feel bad like I am using you guys for my own benefit not really offering anything in return. I am been just like a bitch who smiles and agrees until she gets want she wants and then she fucks off, and I hate that because I dont want to be that person.
Conflicted at time's, I am.
Peaces
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