PUA Forum :: Big mistake how to solve things.

Don't contact her. Don't bring it up again. If she brings it up, tell her that you TRIED to be there for her, but she didn't let you be there for her. There was no mistake on your part. She's being selfish, not you.

Actually there is a reasonable excuse on her part. Stages of Grieving are often recognized as: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. If that cousin really did mean something to her, then she could have displaced Anger at you. "Don't come with me" could have been Denial. I would wait for her to figure out her own grieving and then contact you. It would help for you to read some stuff about grieving as per above, and send that info on to her when she contacts you. Eventually she may figure out what she was going through and actually apologize for everything. I don't think you should assume that she hates "you" at this point. She just may not know how to process her feelings, and I can tell you from experience, anybody who says "the wrong thing" when you're grieving is very likely to receive a huuuge dump of emotional negativity. Like anything about you that actually has been bothering her. You need to realize that people who are grieving are not "regular" people. Don't hold them to the same level of accountability if they abuse you while they're grieving.

Quote:

Don't hold them to the same level of accountability if they abuse you while they're grieving.

I agree, but don't send that stuff to her... she'll just deny it, and you'll look like a retard

Quote:

Don't hold them to the same level of accountability if they abuse you while they're grieving.

I agree, but don't send that stuff to her... she'll just deny it, and you'll look like a retard

You don't know that. And she can't make you look like a retard, not when she's the basket case with the dead cousin. Make you look like a retard to who, yourself? Her friends? She's the ignorant one here. While she's an emotional wreck, it doesn't matter what she does in the short term, whatever drama she pulls. What matters is if she wises up eventually, after calming down oh, a week after you send that grievance counseling stuff.

Author:	Andrewsmooth [ Thu Jan 20, 2011 1:30 am ]
Post subject:	Big mistake how to solve things.
Well a cousin of my girlfriend died she was in my house when she heard the news, well I try to giver her confort holding and cuddling with her but she didnt seem very sad with the news, (and i have to say im bit cold when death is involved in my family and I ussualy dont like to talk about that). So I went to go for the pc while she was watching tv. She then falls asleep.I wake her up and she said she has to go home I ask if she wants me to go? She says she doesnt care. She leaves my house in a rush moments later I see her in SPAM and ask her if everthing is ok she says No so i told her I was going to her home, she then says she doesnt wants me to go. and I said Ok When I return to SPAM she is a little suprised that im home then says only good night. I knew she was mad and since I didnt like her atitude " I dont want you to come to my house" so I kinda said Cya. After i receive a txt saying i was selfsh. When i tried to talk with her she became more mad saying I was a Jerk that the news of her cousin death really shock her up and I didnt support at her at all, then she told me she didnt want to see me in couple of days. That she hates me. that I shouldnt contact her unless she contacts me firsts So thoughts? should I contact her, or not. want can I say to salvage this situation.

Author:	TheLastWolf [ Thu Jan 20, 2011 1:35 am ]
Post subject:
Don't contact her. Don't bring it up again. If she brings it up, tell her that you TRIED to be there for her, but she didn't let you be there for her. There was no mistake on your part. She's being selfish, not you.

Author:	bigdog225 [ Thu Jan 20, 2011 3:16 am ]
Post subject:
Quote: Don't contact her. Don't bring it up again. If she brings it up, tell her that you TRIED to be there for her, but she didn't let you be there for her. There was no mistake on your part. She's being selfish, not you. I agree with him, don't contact her, you were there, and she pushed you away, don't go chasing her man, let her come back to you. I understand her family member died, but that does not justify her being a jerk, and pointing fingers at you, and how you "weren't there for her".

Author:	bvanevery [ Sun Jan 23, 2011 8:05 am ]
Post subject:
Actually there is a reasonable excuse on her part. Stages of Grieving are often recognized as: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. If that cousin really did mean something to her, then she could have displaced Anger at you. "Don't come with me" could have been Denial. I would wait for her to figure out her own grieving and then contact you. It would help for you to read some stuff about grieving as per above, and send that info on to her when she contacts you. Eventually she may figure out what she was going through and actually apologize for everything. I don't think you should assume that she hates "you" at this point. She just may not know how to process her feelings, and I can tell you from experience, anybody who says "the wrong thing" when you're grieving is very likely to receive a huuuge dump of emotional negativity. Like anything about you that actually has been bothering her. You need to realize that people who are grieving are not "regular" people. Don't hold them to the same level of accountability if they abuse you while they're grieving.

Author:	bigdog225 [ Sun Jan 23, 2011 12:53 pm ]
Post subject:
Quote: Actually there is a reasonable excuse on her part. Stages of Grieving are often recognized as: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. If that cousin really did mean something to her, then she could have displaced Anger at you. "Don't come with me" could have been Denial. I would wait for her to figure out her own grieving and then contact you. It would help for you to read some stuff about grieving as per above, and send that info on to her when she contacts you. Eventually she may figure out what she was going through and actually apologize for everything. I don't think you should assume that she hates "you" at this point. She just may not know how to process her feelings, and I can tell you from experience, anybody who says "the wrong thing" when you're grieving is very likely to receive a huuuge dump of emotional negativity. Like anything about you that actually has been bothering her. You need to realize that people who are grieving are not "regular" people. Don't hold them to the same level of accountability if they abuse you while they're grieving. I agree, but don't send that stuff to her... she'll just deny it, and you'll look like a retard

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Author:	bvanevery [ Sun Jan 23, 2011 9:33 pm ]
Post subject:
Quote: Quote: Don't hold them to the same level of accountability if they abuse you while they're grieving. I agree, but don't send that stuff to her... she'll just deny it, and you'll look like a retard You don't know that. And she can't make you look like a retard, not when she's the basket case with the dead cousin. Make you look like a retard to who, yourself? Her friends? She's the ignorant one here. While she's an emotional wreck, it doesn't matter what she does in the short term, whatever drama she pulls. What matters is if she wises up eventually, after calming down oh, a week after you send that grievance counseling stuff.

Author:	bigdog225 [ Sun Jan 23, 2011 10:08 pm ]
Post subject:
Quote: Quote: Quote: Don't hold them to the same level of accountability if they abuse you while they're grieving. I agree, but don't send that stuff to her... she'll just deny it, and you'll look like a retard You don't know that. And she can't make you look like a retard, not when she's the basket case with the dead cousin. Make you look like a retard to who, yourself? Her friends? She's the ignorant one here. While she's an emotional wreck, it doesn't matter what she does in the short term, whatever drama she pulls. What matters is if she wises up eventually, after calming down oh, a week after you send that grievance counseling stuff. Nah man most likely she'll deny it, she's not going to try to use reason, and find out why this is happening, because she is an emotional wreck. Sending this will send her deeper down the hole and push her away, don't try to use logic in this scenario, her cousin just died, and you give her a flow chart of why she's behaving this way, lol, not going to work brah.

Author:	bvanevery [ Sun Jan 23, 2011 11:42 pm ]
Post subject:
I would not offer the grieving materials until she contacts you. If she contacts you, it means she knows at some level that's she's in the wrong, whether she will admit it at the time or not. She may read the grieving materials. She may yell and scream about them or she may not. They may sink in a week later. I don't see that there's anything to lose here. If she's too emotionally immature to ever deal constructively with her grief, then you don't want to be in a relationship with her anyways. I think most people will "see the light" and come around eventually.

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