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| Girlfriend told me I'm "suffocating" her https://www.pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=128&t=62577 |
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| Author: | D4v1dM4nn [ Sun Feb 21, 2010 8:23 am ] |
| Post subject: | Girlfriend told me I'm "suffocating" her |
Hello, You guys have always been great on advice. So here I am. I recently posted the post asking about how to not get jealous in a relationship. I've been working hard today to do as you all suggested. But today - we clashed heads again. Here's (breifly) what happened. She flat out told me "I think your life is so boring that you come over and suffocate me". I said "what"?. She told me what she feels suffocated about how she has school, and work all week and then on the weekends she has not "time to herself" because of how we always hangout. She told me that she doesnt like how I ask who she is texting and she told me she feels like she cant hangout with her friends (even though I've never had a problem as long as the guy isnt trying to get into her pants - which is 90% of the time the case.. my girlfriend is smoking hot). She told me she doesnt like me looking at her phone either. I was shocked by all these comments. I felt very unappreciated and I felt like my time was very unappreciated as well. I talked with her and told her that I felt unappreciated and that I wouldnt tolorate that. To know the background of why I dont trust her and why I ask who she's txting and such - here's some background. -- She was "talking" to some other guy for the first month we were going out. After we talked about it, it stopped. Then she started talking to him again, but she lied to my face about it and I found out by looking at her phone -- Ok, so after she said all those things to me and after I told her how I felt unappreciated, I told her WHY I feel like I have to check her phione and such. I told her she broke my trust and that it was HER fault why I dont trust her fully. I explained it and told her that I would not go through her phone or ask who she is texting anymore. I also told her to feel free to go out with her friends and that I didnt care if she hungout with friends. I asked in return that she would not treat me like that anymore and would not GIVE me a reason to distrust her. I want to be appreciated. She told me how she wants to have a scocial life and how she feels like I am holding her back (even though her work and school is the one doing it - we only hangout about 3 days a week.). Anyhow.. later the night after we had calmed down - I told her that I feel like we are falling apart. She broke down - cried and realized how rude and mean she was being to me. She asked me "how do you put up with me" and I told her " I dont know". lol. But even though she realized she was taking me for granted and that she was being a bitch and rude about everything.. I know she still meant what she said about feeling suffocated. So now what do I do to handle this situation? - - - - - Here is the basic outline of where me and my gf are: Beginning of the relationship - she was head over heels for me - I was standoffish - and lived my own life - did my own thing and was actually flat out mean and rude to her and she loved it. BUT NOW, I am head over heels for her and she is the rude one and on a very regular basis. I've told her I'm tired of it -a dn most of the time she comes and apologizes for acting that way and even sometimes wonders if she is bi-polar over it heh. - - - - - Here is a list of things I could change that I know I do wrong. 1 Check her phone, 2 Ask her where she is when she's out. 3 Ask her who she is texting (those three are hard not to do - because she broke my trust before). 4 I can also make myself busy more over the next couple weeks and make her value my time. How should I change my approach so that she doesnt feel this way and so that I can re-gain the appreciation for my time and not be treated like shit because of it. Should I no longer text her the happy "good morning" texts? Or are "good morning" texts to initiate convo the next day alright to do? Still - at this point? Also - I was never so jealous before - when I was in the "wooing" stage. My girlfriend of six months now... I am at the stage where I watch what I do because I dont want to lose her. =/ Sorry for the long post. =/ Please help - I'm kinda confused and dont want to screw it up. |
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| Author: | #1 Jish [ Sun Feb 21, 2010 8:46 am ] |
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Personally when im in a relationship I have no problems with jealousy, she can talk to anyone she wants when we are out, but if i see guys flirting too hard i just go and wrap my arms around her for 2 mins or pinch her ass or something, just to let everyone know shes mine- As for checking her phone ect i dont agree with that, I would feel suffocated too if my gf did this simply because I would feel I had no privacy. I maybe would try not so much to see her, make her miss you and want you to see her. I dont know your exact situation but thats what I would do if i was in it myself |
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| Author: | DiamondDay [ Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:22 pm ] |
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while i may be new to this whole PUA thing i'm certainly not new to this whole LTR thing and dude, you're acting like a total ass and if you don't change, quickly, you will be one dumped ass very soon. You need to step up your game. You're obviously not giving her enough value. You need her to fight for your affection, not the opposite. You don't need to make her feel like she's got you wound around her little finger at her beck and call. Which she, by the way, probably has. You need to come from a position of plenty you know. You can't ever let her know that she's the one calling the shots. That will make her bored and she will start looking for affirmation in other places. Like that guy she's been "talking" to. You know, the smartest thing for you to do is just to drop that issue. Let her talk to this guy. Act as if you don't care ( you have to make her believe that is so too ). And she will loose interest fast. Or even better. Just don't give a fuck where she's at, who she's talking to etc. for real. That will be even better than pretending not to care. You write that you want her to appriciate you and, well, it's not up to her to make that happen ya know. Or no, you obviously don't. If's she's not appriciating you that's YOUR problem to solve. If she's not respecting you, giving attention to other guys and what not that's your problem too. You have to make her want to give you the appriciation you feel you are entitled to. It's NOT something you can simply demand. You want to make her need you. You absolutely DO NOT want to show her that you need her more than she needs you ( that, by the way, seems to be too obviously true ). Simply put, you need to be the man in the relationship. |
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| Author: | D4v1dM4nn [ Sun Feb 21, 2010 8:23 pm ] |
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thank you, DiamondDay. Do you have any advice on how I can get my girlfriend to appreciate me again? You said it was up to me and I need to man up. Any suggestions on things to change? You're right.. I'm gonna stop caring about the whole other guy thing... and you're also right that I need to change my outlook and not be at her beck and call. All advice is appreciated. Thanks man. |
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| Author: | DiamondDay [ Mon Feb 22, 2010 9:19 am ] |
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Well. I'd start out with making myself more busy. It sounds like you have quite a lot more spare time than your girlfriend. That situation naturally makes her spare time "more" valuable than yours in her eyes. If you could make her believe that you were just as busy as her she would naturally appriciate the time you spend with her more. If you don't go to the gym already, start going. And if you do, go more often. Girls like guys who care about their health. Especially girlfriends. If it looks like you spend a lot of time on you health too, even better. Take a class at the community college, go out clubbing with your friends more, or whatever you feel like. Ideally you shouldn't do these things just to get your girl more into you but to get a overall more attractive ( and active and happy ) lifestyle. It will help you with any girl. To sum it up girls really love busy guys. Second. Make her jealous. Whenever you guys are out together, at a bar, the movies, fast food joint etc. Take a extra look at the other girls. Flirt. Get your own "conversation" going with some girl that's "just a friend". But don't be stupid or over the top about it. Just subtly let her know that you could get another girl quite easily. I meen, that's just basic girl psycology. The sum of this one is probably; girls like guys whom other girls like. Make you self busy and make you girl jealous. It's OK to be cute and quite chode'y too, just make sure she's clear on who's calling the shots. You can't ever let the girl know that you need her more than she needs you. In fact, when you've got a more busy lifestyle and a somewhat jealous girlfriend you want to disarm her anxiety by being a bit cute to her. Telling her how much you love her and that you want to spend the rest of your life with her is of course ( as always ) a big nono but i'm sure you can find something cute to say to her or do with her that's way short of that. Basically you just want to turn the tables on her. Do a 180 degree turn in your relationship. And, btw, besides from these changes you may want to do some "superficial" changes. Maybe get some new clothes, get a new haircut, clean your room more often etc. If you're into that; quit smoking pot. But it's all pretty basic stuff you know. |
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| Author: | Ezo [ Mon Feb 22, 2010 10:15 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Definately stop checking her phone! Also, you have to realize that you cannot control her, you have no right to. It is a difference between caring and controlling. Jealousy is not a sign that you care, it is a sign that you are possessive. |
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| Author: | Pizzer [ Mon Feb 22, 2010 12:04 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
You definitly cant come across as needy. Women can smell that a mile away. I agree with others here. Get busy doi g your own thing. |
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| Author: | Lodewijkp [ Tue Feb 23, 2010 3:51 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
you needy , you acting like a total ass ? lol she fucking verbally attacks you and starts crying and says sorry after... like she's the stable one :S.. cmon i think your life is so boring.... ok this sounds radical .. but when a girls says this to me i would dump her, im not saying i would not take her back. But i would dump her ... well if my life so boring i will make it easy for you and dump you.. bye! really if she has reasons to break up you should dump her. But im utterly 100% confident so..... saying you're boring is a plain attack on your self esteem.. there are 100000 other ways to discuss problems instead of pointing fingers and making bitchy comments. she does not have time for herself ? well she accepts it , if she doesn't like it she could have said it before instead of now. it's typically a girl who calls you when she needs you and she calls you clingy and boring when she doesn't need you. Quote: Then she started talking to him again, but she lied to my face about it and I found out by looking at her phone -- we are not dumbasses here .. if she lies about it she got something to hide. This has nothing to do with honesty or respect but with hiding - of course she justifies it because she feels stupid , so she blames you for looking at her phone etc.look... you make yourself crazy by looking at her phone an all that kind of stuff but it's her fault you don't trust her, she lied about something - there is a clear distinction between lying and forgetting you've talked to someone. You know why she breaks down crying and shit... because she feels stupid about lying about the guy. she probably thought about hooking up with him ( she considered it but don't take it seriously ) and now she feels regret for those thoughts. so she starts crying and plays the victim so you would go easy on her. instead of searching or behaving to solutions and better inner game she seeks external things to make her happy, like talking to this guy and so forth. i've seen this countless times with girls...... i wouldn't think about texting good morning or whatever ... i wouldn't give a shit and text - i wouldn't worry about it at all. what is happening here is you are become over-analytic. instead of being yourself you are thinking and analyzing what you should do to fit anothers pleasure. don't give a fuck , say what you want , give yourself permission to be yourself. You are jealous because you don't want to lose her .... you are already thinking she's adding something to your life. Dude she isn't adding at all it's not like you have children or you're married. Get rid of the thought of losing her seriously because you are holding on to negative thinking patterns and that's your mistake. if you don't want to screw up you should dump her... because you will screw up anyway and so does she, we are all human and we all make mistakes. Humans are in general fucking stupid superstitious creatures starting wars without a valid reason. just realize you're fucking stupid and change. it's not about giving value it's about having value, if you have something for yourself will you automaticly give it away without conciously giving it. Girls love you for who you are and not for what you give. what is happening here is she focus on other things with value and meanwhile she's applying negative thought to you because you have less value for yourself. The more people focus on something of value the more they think negative about things that are outside their focus, that's just how it works. you're just being needy and your not giving yourself enough value so she puts her focus on something else - herself , treehugging, or someone else. don't act or use tactics because yourself is always shining through, your less confident than you was in the beginning when you were bit careless about stuff. You are what you think of yourself and not what you do - you can be a PUA but your inner self is always shining through like a break in the clouds. you probably used tactics or stuff to pick her up and now you are behaving way different, the pua stuff is merely a bandage on a gaping wound because you ACT pua to get the girls AND you don't ACT to be really yourself. what's happening here your real self is shining through because your GF confronts you with your own negative thought patterns and low self esteem on some areas. you are not what you think you are, because all humans have the possiblity of being 100% confident, 100 % happy with themselfs from their inner persepctive. You get to know yourself through hard tests, you only can see the weak points when you're suffering because THEN you are what you are suffering about. the worst thing to do is putting up tactics or putting up behaviour that is formed in concious thought, ideas and knowledge applied without understanding principles or applying the prinicples. meaning; guys tell you to freeze out , they give you a idea to freeze out but it's not your own idea, IT's NOT WHO YOU REALLY ARE. that freeze out is in conflict with the real you , HOW YOU SUBCONCIOUSLY behave is who you really are, concious behaviour is just behaviour of the mind - it's living up to a magic solution ( placebo ) or living up to a certain fake indentity. you need to be aware of your behaviour and not aware about her, the first advice i give : '' work on yourself and give your GF a develop BF ''. because when you have value from your innner game that you give to yourself, the enviroment will suddenly notice becuase you will subconciously behave to it. you show who you really are. All these things have made you more distant from who you really are, your GF, and your concious mind - your ego. you act while using your mind or your soul not both, your mind is a tool merely made for survival thus your mind creates the images of fear and jealousy. The soul is the real you, the real best self.... is shines through sometimes - maybe at the beginning of the relationship. using your mind is blocking you real self , the mind is just a tool and not really you - there are 2 persons in you. one wants to survive and one wants to be what he truly is, those 2 are battling eachother constantly because sometimes other people activate our will to survive. when you''re afraid someone will cheat your using your mind, because you mind developed from prehistoric , if a girl cheats she can compromise the whole group. It's the primitive mind who creates the images of fear, and those patterns will push your GF further away. thinking is also subconciously acting to it if you lay the emphasis on the mind. Give yourself some time and give her some time, take some time to find the real you again. maybe go on a week vacation on your own.... taking a break and not acting to force things is the best things to do instead of acting to things which doesn't represent you. being chode or afc are merely terms from moving away from the real you and act form your mind/ego - it's not the actions but the principles you use on your own life. experiencing is not adding things to your life , experiencing new things/situations is merely shedding your bark again until you find the real you again. it'sthe shedding of the chode /afc bark , the more you act chode the more bark you get thus the further you move from your real best self. im going to enhance a opinion of someone, not to insult or disrespect his opinion but i go deeper on it. what i've written are some principles in depth instead of tactics which doesn't represent you. Quote: Well. I'd start out with making myself more busy. It sounds like you have quite a lot more spare time than your girlfriend. That situation naturally makes her spare time "more" valuable than yours in her eyes. If you could make her believe that you were just as busy as her she would naturally appriciate the time you spend with her more. If you don't go to the gym already, start going. And if you do, go more often. Girls like guys who care about their health. Especially girlfriends. If it looks like you spend a lot of time on you health too, even better. Take a class at the community college, go out clubbing with your friends more, or whatever you feel like. Ideally you shouldn't do these things just to get your girl more into you but to get a overall more attractive ( and active and happy ) lifestyle. It will help you with any girl. To sum it up girls really love busy guys.
of course these quotations are tactics and not principles , what i've written above are some prinicples so i hope you recognize the difference.Second. Make her jealous. Whenever you guys are out together, at a bar, the movies, fast food joint etc. Take a extra look at the other girls. Flirt. Get your own "conversation" going with some girl that's "just a friend". But don't be stupid or over the top about it. Just subtly let her know that you could get another girl quite easily. I meen, that's just basic girl psycology. The sum of this one is probably; girls like guys whom other girls like. Make you self busy and make you girl jealous. It's OK to be cute and quite chode'y too, just make sure she's clear on who's calling the shots. You can't ever let the girl know that you need her more than she needs you. In fact, when you've got a more busy lifestyle and a somewhat jealous girlfriend you want to disarm her anxiety by being a bit cute to her. Telling her how much you love her and that you want to spend the rest of your life with her is of course ( as always ) a big nono but i'm sure you can find something cute to say to her or do with her that's way short of that. Basically you just want to turn the tables on her. Do a 180 degree turn in your relationship. And, btw, besides from these changes you may want to do some "superficial" changes. Maybe get some new clothes, get a new haircut, clean your room more often etc. If you're into that; quit smoking pot. But it's all pretty basic stuff you know. making someone jealous is not having value but it's having superficial value, you pretend to have value BECAUSE the ultimate being which is PURELY his inner self knows he does not need to make people jealous. because he draws the happiness from within he knows lowering to superficial actions like making people jealous are ACTIONS OF THE MIND and not of the real inner self. Making someone jealous in the relationship is not what you want because you are affecting your partner in a negative way. she should love you for who you are and the value you contain for life itself , and not because you make her jealous. Making someone jealous is manipulating her into loving instead of real respect and real value. The one who uses psychology as a red line through life will use it's mind and ego and move further away from the real you. remember unconcious behaviour of your soul is the real you. psychology is a tool to observe and not a solution or behaviour - it's not you. Calling the shots is not important abandon the idea of trying to get power, the one who draws value from his inner state already has power. DON't try to rules someones life BEFORE YOU rules your own, ruling someones life is a waste of time and energy because you are more important to yourself. if you rule you own life you will be unaffected by others. Actually don't buy new clothes and superficial properties.... those are external factors to make you happy - they don't make you happy at all and don't bring them closer to your real self. new shoes make you happy for ... 2 days or a week ... but you don't draw happiness form within, you draw happiness from you shoes like you draw value from other external factors like your girlfriend. Be aware and realize the value is within you and not in your surroundings. as you see i don't agree with anyone in this thread because all are presenting tactics instead of principles, magic pills don't exist. being conciously not needy is not moving you closer to understanding principles , it moves you closer to your mind and correlates to negative behaviour. Asking what to do is not the real question you have because this is the question of your mind. the real question of your soul is : what can i do to move closer to myself and be happy, draw the value from within ? also notice i don't agree with myself either because i want to have freedom of mind. All PUA's are merely applying tactics in their life to make them happy, instead of searching for the real priniples. what is the difference between a PUA and a natural, what's is the difference between a natural and a monk ? First look in the box before you use it as a chair, most people use it as a chair and years later they look inside. how to get deeper to yourself and recognize the false manifestations of the mind/ego ? BE AWARE , don't live in the past or present because that's part of memories - the mind. live in the now and be aware of all actions you perform to create freedom of mind , being aware is being your actions - being aware is being observant of your actions. im not saying you are 100 % responsible for the situation in your relationship, im saying you are not who you really are in this relationship and you even know it. your girlfriend is maybe 10 % responsible for changing your behaviour either negative or positive. pointing fingers is merely resisting and not accepting yourself giving someone blame is the incapablity af dealing with the situation yourself. what i did to enhance my own change ? i was going on a survival trip for a week, without any fancy tents or stuff. just learning to live with myself because i had no external factors to draw happinness from. for the first time in my life i jumped into a freezing river and recognized how awesome it is and how fascinating, because i was aware. at sunset i was laying on a rock in the valley and saw they sunset reflecting it's light on the high slopes - the autumn leaves and trees looked like gold. being aware is enjoying the smallest things , we often so fast we don't even see how fascinating everything is - we forget to enjoy ourself. Instead of trying to be happy you should stop for a moment and look around. when i read a spiritual text or book i already know what they are talking about because i've already found out myself. i merely enjoy the principles - not the words but the meaning behind everything. you see ... it's not finding what it's about or the meaning in your mind - don't use logics here. don't try to find out what the goal of life is, it's not meant to be understood. searching the goals of life / the meaning of waht your life is about is merely being unhappy with the current situation. if you are happy you don't need to seek refuge , netiher in the past or future. peace |
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