Dealing with jealousy in a relationship



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PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2017 12:01 pm 
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Hi guys,

Felt jealous lately because my girlfriend has many guy friends, lets them touch her shoulder when they talk to her, touch her back and shit so for the last few days i have been researching jealousy in relationships and how to deal with it, here is what ive learned:

- Your feeling jealous because you don't trust your girlfriend. OR
- Your feeling jealous because you are insecure (think the guy she talks to is better then you).

It's either one... now you can deal with it many ways:

- Come up to them acting all alpha, chest out, ready to intimidate / control the situation.
- Ignore it and let her handle it.
- Come up in a friendly manner to introduce yourself to the guy.

Method 1 will make you look insecure and get your ass dumped sooner then later.
Method 2 is the best if you ask me but keep an eye on it, if you see her clearly not being comfortable step in and lead her away or join the conversation, don't lose your cool, stay calm unless he does not take a hint and want's to go physical after disrespecting you or your girlfriend.
Method 3 don't step in right away or you will look insecure regardless, wait a few minutes before joining and introduce yourself to him with you name and ask his. (I can see how your girlfriend might find it weird you join them because conversation could just be about harmless things so i still advice method 2).

Now what if your girlfriend clearly likes the attention she gets and is fine with guys touching her, you know the drill, light touch on the arm, back etc.. you should ask yourself if this is the girlfriend you want? A boundary is different for everyone so while some are cool with touching some aren't. Express this to your girlfriend and see if she still let guys touch her, if she does not change her behavior it's time to detach and find yourself a better girl who is on the same page with you.

Just my 2 cents for guys feeling jealous and how to deal with it. :)

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2017 12:50 pm 
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- Come up to them acting all alpha, chest out, ready to intimidate / control the situation.
- Ignore it and let her handle it.
- Come up in a friendly manner to introduce yourself to the guy.

Method 1 will make you look insecure and get your ass dumped sooner then later.
It doesn't make you look insecure. It means you're insecure, period.
Quote:
Method 2 is the best if you ask me but keep an eye on it, if you see her clearly not being comfortable step in and lead her away or join the conversation, don't lose your cool, stay calm unless he does not take a hint and want's to go physical after disrespecting you or your girlfriend.
There's no "but". Being hit on is part of daily life for most moderately attractive women. She knows how to handle it. You don't need to save the damsel in distress.
Quote:
Method 3 don't step in right away or you will look insecure regardless, wait a few minutes before joining and introduce yourself to him with you name and ask his. (I can see how your girlfriend might find it weird you join them because conversation could just be about harmless things so i still advice method 2).
One of the things that irk me in this community is this constant crippling fear of "looking" a certain way. If you are not insecure, you won't look insecure. Period.
Whenever you turn tactical strategist and plan all your moves as if it were a matter of life and death, purely to not "look" insecure in front of your girlfriend, guess what, you're insecure.
If you need to keep up some sort of appearance, or to constantly prove yourself to your girlfriend, you value her above yourself. Hence, you're insecure.
If you purposely play games, don't reply only within certain time frames, or otherwise put active effort into "having her chase you", you're insecure.
If her being surrounded by 10 guys makes you even remotely uncomfortable, because if you don't trust her to that degree, the only reason she's your girlfriend is because you don't think you can do better. Hence, you're insecure.
Quote:
Now what if your girlfriend clearly likes the attention she gets and is fine with guys touching her, you know the drill, light touch on the arm, back etc.. you should ask yourself if this is the girlfriend you want? A boundary is different for everyone so while some are cool with touching some aren't. Express this to your girlfriend and see if she still let guys touch her, if she does not change her behavior it's time to detach and find yourself a better girl who is on the same page with you.
Just my 2 cents for guys feeling jealous and how to deal with it. :)
What's the underlying problem here? What IF some guy touches her back? What IF he touches her arm? is it such a big deal? Is that the real issue?
Or is the real problem that lingering thought in the back of your head telling you she might like it? Might like it a little too much? Might like it enough that if you weren't around, things would escalate out of control?

OP, you think this girl is better than you. That's your belief, internally. You think it'd be hard or even impossible to find someone better, realistically and consistently.

Let's be honest here, this has nothing to do with boundaries. The difference between having boundaries and being a control freak is in the motivation behind them.
Not finding it acceptable for your girlfriend to snoop through your phone is a healthy boundary because you're essentially against needy and insecure behavior.
Not finding it acceptable for your girlfriend to be flirted with is not a healthy boundary, because it stems from needy and insecure behavior.

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2017 12:51 pm 
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Felt jealous lately because my girlfriend has many guy friends, lets them touch her shoulder when they talk to her, touch her back and shit so for the last few days i have been researching jealousy in relationships and how to deal with it, here is what ive learned:
Are you so afraid of this chick that you're still researching vs doing something?

A chick can't respect you if you don't respect yourself. This isnt rocket science.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2017 5:40 pm 
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I researched because i don't want to make a big deal out of something that might not be such a big deal, i came out of a 4 year relationship with a sit at home kinda girl and now got an active 20 year old who gets a lot of attention from guys, i never had to deal with jealousy before so i like to do my research before i overreact and fuck this relationship up.

What you are saying R.C makes sense but i have to disagree on a few points, it might be ok for you to let a guy touch your girlfriend because your so secure and what not but for others this is not ok, not because your insecure but because you find it disrespectful, if my girlfriend does not handle guys touching her when we go out i don't want this to be my girlfriend because personally i find it disrespectful towards me, if a girl keeps on touching me and i don't do anything against it guess what..... 99% of the girls would not be ok with this so it works both ways.

If you look through her phone, not let her be around guys, checking up on her, controlling who she can be around with..... yes your very insecure and need work BUT personally i draw a line with guys TOUCHING my girlfriend and her not doing anything against it.

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2017 7:30 pm 
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BUT personally i draw a line with guys TOUCHING my girlfriend and her not doing anything against it.
Dudes are touching your girl in front of you so often that it's a consolable problem? Are you a little guy? Are you easily intimidated?

Most guys ain't ballsy enough to pull that shit. I was towing this super hot model around all weekend, it was all most dudes could do to sneak a peek at that fine ass on the airport escalator, or her titties sitting on a bar stool next to me. All I needed was to make eye contact, to make them refocus on their beer like it was truly amazing beer.

Or are you worried she could be so easily seduced she'd have six dicks in her if you stepped away to the bathroom?

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2017 10:10 pm 
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What you are saying R.C makes sense but i have to disagree on a few points, it might be ok for you to let a guy touch your girlfriend because your so secure and what not but for others this is not ok, not because your insecure but because you find it disrespectful, if my girlfriend does not handle guys touching her when we go out i don't want this to be my girlfriend because personally i find it disrespectful towards me, if a girl keeps on touching me and i don't do anything against it guess what..... 99% of the girls would not be ok with this so it works both ways.

If you look through her phone, not let her be around guys, checking up on her, controlling who she can be around with..... yes your very insecure and need work BUT personally i draw a line with guys TOUCHING my girlfriend and her not doing anything against it.
But you're not drawing a line...you're not doing anything. Thats like me saying I draw the line when a girl hits me, but my gf is hitting me all the time and I'm researching how to handle getting hit. What I dont get is, if you feel you're being disrespected, why are you silent? This is what RC is saying...you're insecure. If you were secure in yourself, you could tell your girl that you think her having guys rub her back in front of you disrespect you. See how you can say all of those points here and defend your position to strangers? Now go do that to your gf

Its been weeks since youve felt this way about your gfs actions ie guys rubbing her back and her going for drinks with other guys when its long distance. Men take action. Either man up and tell her your point of view or tell yourself, hey I'll be quiet, let her do what she wants and hope she stays with me. And then please dont give methods on how to handle a situation like this, when you arent even following your advice.

You strongly believe you're being disrespected and have said / done NOTHING. Sorry to say, but that fear makes the relationship essentially over because youve placed her above yourself. Personally, if it were me, guy friend touching her shoulder, I dont care...guy friend stroking her back...thats weird and crosses into romantic touching. Whatever the case, one person is coping with the others actions. Do you not see how sad it is that you're saying you have a boundary but arent even enforcing it?


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2017 7:50 am 
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I'm just imagining this touching as normal social interaction. Because as Heywood said, and it's not even about balls, most guys are not going to touch your girlfriend in a sexual way in your presence.

Even I don't do that. It's just common sense, she's not gonna jump on your dick in front of him and you'll just make it awkward for everybody. Unless I've already had sex with her in which case I might. But that's different.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2017 9:40 am 
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I'm just imagining this touching as normal social interaction. Because as Heywood said, and it's not even about balls, most guys are not going to touch your girlfriend in a sexual way in your presence.

Even I don't do that. It's just common sense, she's not gonna jump on your dick in front of him and you'll just make it awkward for everybody. Unless I've already had sex with her in which case I might. But that's different.
Thanks for all the input guys, i read all of it and decided to talk to my girlfriend when she gets back from holiday.

To R.C. Some guys don't know she is with you because you don't stand next to each other all the time, give kisses etc.. i like to interact with my friends a lot and not talk to my girlfriend all the time so its easy for a guy to think she is single...

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2017 1:24 pm 
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I'm just imagining this touching as normal social interaction.
I'm imagining the worst lol. I guess because OP seems to me like he's making excuses. The back stroking seems out of normal social interaction, cant think of how I could pet a girl's back without it being romantic. Closest I could think would be female friends may gave me a massage in a joking way, but we wouldnt do that if the bf was around. Shoulder touches, hugs, thats normal imo. But OP seems to be making excuses, for example:
Quote:
To R.C. Some guys don't know she is with you because you don't stand next to each other all the time, give kisses etc.. i like to interact with my friends a lot and not talk to my girlfriend all the time so its easy for a guy to think she is single...
Isnt this about her guy friends being too familiar with her? Are you saying the guy friends will think she's single or there are also random guys touching and flirting with your gf when you're out? See, this makes me think its not normal as you're facing it from her friends AND strangers and doesnt sound like she's handling it properly. If your issue is, my gfs guy friends touch her shoulder or hug her or play fight when I'm there, I'd say thats your issue. If its your gfs guy friends are petting her back and touching her inappropriately and she's flirting with strangers when you go out I'd say she's not respecting you. It just sounds from the OP like it's bigger than guy friends just touching his gfs shoulder but he's holding back the full events.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2017 1:36 pm 
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Could be. He's the only one that knows for sure.


Either way OP, keep us updated.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2017 10:54 pm 
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Thanks once again and yes i will keep you guys posted. I got nothing to hide seeking for advice so i will try to explain situations better. Will be quite long sorry...

First time: Guy (random friend from her friends her boyfriend, not sure their dynamics), was stroking her back and i could not see if she handled it, pushed away his hand, however i was sure he was stroking and not just 5 seconds.... however i was wasted as fuck and was talking to a girl 10meters away or so, she could have allowed his petting to make me jealous because i was talking to this random girl while i could have been more social with her and her friends.. but still i looked her way once in a while and saw this dude petting her...

Second time: Last saturday on her girlfriends birthday we went out to this small club and i asked if she wanted something to drink so i walk up to the bar and get a beer and a wine for us, when i get back she is sitting on the edge of the pooltable (it was a small club with 1 pooltable) and this dude is sitting next to her with his arm around her.... i walked up, gave my gf her wine and sat next to her for 1 second on the other side, right away i removed his hand from her shoulder and he apologized (oh sorry and took his hand back), my gf said "oh dont mind that/or him" again not sure exact words but for sure something like oh dont mind him/that... i walked away inside to the club by myself as i felt disrespected by her allowing this dude to hang over her like that... i did not know the dude...

On way back home she asked me why i took his hand off and i explained i dont like it when guys touch you like that, she says he was just a friend... (knew him by name) so probally was a true friend. I told her i rather have you take his hand of instead of me and she said oh i didn't even notice it.... i told her i dont mind it as long as its a friend i know and gave her some names from common friends of ours.

Third small issue: She has a guy best friend she likes to talk about however i never met him, apparently he was in the same club as us last saturday to say hi but never did, they know each other for 6 years or so and he gave her a ring... and chill from time to time, he is 2 years younger then her so iam not to worried about it however drinking 1v1 and sending me snapchats of it might be worth noting her for the advice... she might sent it to make me jealous but still idk.. in the 6 months i know her she has only seen him twice, once for shopping clothes and last time having drinks 1v1... he recently has a girlfriend, his girlfriend does not like my gf because of jealousy..

I should add she is 20 and her friends are also in their early 20's while iam 25.

Hopefully the situations are more clear now and would like to know how you view this, am i right for talking with her about these events? Best way to bring this? i am not very good with words.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2017 4:38 am 
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First time: Guy (random friend from her friends her boyfriend, not sure their dynamics), was stroking her back and i could not see if she handled it, pushed away his hand, however i was sure he was stroking and not just 5 seconds.... however i was wasted as fuck and was talking to a girl 10meters away or so, she could have allowed his petting to make me jealous because i was talking to this random girl while i could have been more social with her and her friends.. but still i looked her way once in a while and saw this dude petting her...
Now, on if she handled it....She didn't. Whatever the social dynamics are in this social circle, they've already long been established. So if a guy is petting her back..he always pets her back. That night wasnt just the first night he tried to pet her and she wouldve handled it. If you see me out with guy friends, and my guy friends clown me, they always clown me and I always take the clowning. Thats how social dynamics works. If you see me touch my female friends ass, she's fine with it and its not the first nor last time. So your gf didnt handle it because she won't. Now, on whether this was to make you jealous...no. Unless your gf is psychic and cant jedi mind trick a guy who doesnt pet her back to pet her back, him petting her wasnt something out of the blue a guy decided to do at the right time to help her make you feel jealous.
Quote:
Second time: Last saturday on her girlfriends birthday we went out to this small club and i asked if she wanted something to drink so i walk up to the bar and get a beer and a wine for us, when i get back she is sitting on the edge of the pooltable (it was a small club with 1 pooltable) and this dude is sitting next to her with his arm around her.... i walked up, gave my gf her wine and sat next to her for 1 second on the other side, right away i removed his hand from her shoulder and he apologized (oh sorry and took his hand back), my gf said "oh dont mind that/or him" again not sure exact words but for sure something like oh dont mind him/that... i walked away inside to the club by myself as i felt disrespected by her allowing this dude to hang over her like that... i did not know the dude...
Now, I dont know, maybe your gf is just a chick who is comfortable with guy friends. Nothing wrong with that. But what sticks out to me, is she does these things and doesnt seem to give a fuck. Like, even a chick who is a flirt, if she likes you, will ease her bf into that. Its a different story if guy has his arm around her and you walk up and she says "Hey [stranger guy] this is my bf I told you about." But its like she doesnt have the sense or self awareness or care for you to get in her mind ,hey this guys arm around me is something that Furioux may not like seeing, let me show him this is a friend.

Another thing is, dont go doing this taking guys hands off of her thing. You're fortunate that this guy was nice and apologetic, some other guys, touching them when you dont know them will lead to a fight. And you'd be in the wrong for touching someone. If your girl lets a guy touch her and when you approach she doesnt even introduce you as her bf, your beef is with your chick. Thats like if Im making out with a chick and her bf comes out of nowhere to seperate us. I'd be pissed you're touching me when your chick didnt say she was in a relationship and was fine with my actions. Dont let your chicks dumb decisions and lack of awareness get you into trouble with guys who she's not even claiming you in front of. Different story if she introduced you as her bf, and guy puts his hand and she tries to push it away and you have to protect your chick. These kinds of actions you're doing...your chick is going back to her friends and YOU look like the crazy one.
Quote:
On way back home she asked me why i took his hand off and i explained i dont like it when guys touch you like that, she says he was just a friend... (knew him by name) so probally was a true friend. I told her i rather have you take his hand of instead of me and she said oh i didn't even notice it.... i told her i dont mind it as long as its a friend i know and gave her some names from common friends of ours.
Know what your point is. This whole exchange is the wrong way to confront something. "I dont like guys touching you"..."but he's a friend"..."Well id rather you take his hand off next time"..."Well its ok once its approved friends...here's a list." Wtf. I'm not telling you whats right for your relationship or whats wrong, but damn...its like you have a point of view and you're changing it because she's giving you nonsense. If you dont like guys touching her in those ways, thats what you dont like. If you're going to bring it up, show her that you're confident in what you think.
Quote:
Third small issue: She has a guy best friend she likes to talk about however i never met him, apparently he was in the same club as us last saturday to say hi but never did, they know each other for 6 years or so and he gave her a ring... and chill from time to time, he is 2 years younger then her so iam not to worried about it however drinking 1v1 and sending me snapchats of it might be worth noting her for the advice... she might sent it to make me jealous but still idk.. in the 6 months i know her she has only seen him twice, once for shopping clothes and last time having drinks 1v1... he recently has a girlfriend, his girlfriend does not like my gf because of jealousy..
Thing is man, what I see is a chick who just doesnt care that much. She has a male best friend. You dont believe in men and women cant be friends. A chick who cares for the relationship, would go out of her way to make sure you 2 meet and you're cool with the situation. I see a chick who even if she's that close to her guy friends that all of this is innocent, she really isnt trying to make you comfortable. She could proactively cut back on the actions that would make you jealous ie the petting and guys arm and guy best friend. If she doesnt want to cut back, fine...she could proactively just introduce you as the bf, or realize hey this guys arm around me looks weird, let me do a girl move and get it off subtly and introduce him. Even if she doesnt do those things, when the conversation in the car ride home comes up and you say "I dont like guys touching you" comes up, she could do better that basically "whatever."

I have female friends who I may put an arm around or play fight with or some shit. But if the bf or husband or certain ppl are around, we know to pull that shit back. And if the bf were to walk in on us when my arm was around them, they'd play that off and introduce me immediately so he doesnt get the wrong idea. What I guess I'm saying is, whether its innocent or not, your gf isnt being tactful with something she knows you find strange. You seem to be making excuses, like situation#2, the guy wouldnt know she wasnt single. But you know what...a chick who likes you, is going to tell her male friend, my bf is over there and when you walk up, the guy is going to shake your hand. If guys are petting her back or arm around her when you're there...it doesnt really sound like they consider her your gf.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2017 8:32 am 
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I think neo made it pretty clear.

Just one small mention.
Quote:
You dont believe in men and women cant be friends. A chick who cares for the relationship, would go out of her way to make sure you 2 meet and you're cool with the situation
That's cool on paper, but if OP is prone to doing shit like walking up and taking guys' hands of his girlfriend, I doubt his girl trusts in his ability to reason and let go of implicit bias when it comes to meeting her guy bff.

I'm still pinging this on insecurity. Maybe your girlfriend doesn't respect you as much as a girlfriend should respect a boyfriend, but if you've shown consistent insecurity leaks, then ofcourse she doesn't.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2017 6:37 am 
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Op has no voice in this relationship.


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