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My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, please
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Author:  cameroona [ Thu Jul 16, 2015 6:07 am ]
Post subject:  My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, please
Hi guys,

My girlfriend of 8 years has recently said she is unsure at the moment about us because there doesn't seem to be much spark left and we don't have much to talk about. We have been living together for about 5 years and both in out late twenties, she broke this news to me on Monday.

I will be the first to admit that in the past I have taken her for granted, perhaps when the relationship was a bit more one sided as she was very much in love with me and would do anything to make me happy.We have had our ups and downs over the years but always thought we would stay together. One of the lines she said was is it going to be like this for the next 20 years? I didnt know what to say.

I have said to her that obviously in a relationship over time these things can happen and we can try to work through it. She seems to want to "maybe" try but hasn;t given me clear indications.

I havn't really slept much in the past few days and really realised how much I would miss her and how much I love her.

Can you offer any advice? The thought of being without her and being alone at the moment is absolutely heartbreaking for me, I am trying to put in an effort with her at home but don't want to be too keen or over zealous as I know that can be off putting.

Is my key to seem uninterested and take some sort of power back in this or be all clingy and nice? I really have no idea :roll:

We are scheduled to go away this weekend to see a gig in another city so I am hoping we can maybe rekindle things a bit there .

This is really stressing me out and I am struggling to concentrate at work aswell. :(

Thanks
Author:  neo87 [ Thu Jul 16, 2015 6:11 am ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
Damn...5 years living together, 8 years together...why didnt you guys just get married?
Author:  JackZero [ Thu Jul 16, 2015 6:32 am ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
First thing that you have to understand is that she more than likely is preparing you for a breakup because she has already made the decision. At some point in the near future she's going to say it's over and act like you knew it was coming and blame you for not fixing it. I'm assuming this because most of the time when women want you to work on the relationship they'll tell you explicitly what you need to do, give you some kind of emotion, or try to do something to spark it themselves. What you've described is an indifference.

Get it out of your head that you can convince her to stay with you because when you start doing that, she'll start resisting being with you. The thing that you must do is be happy and positive with your outlook on life and not be moping around because that will make you even less desirable. Make sure your getting into shape (if you're not already) and start getting attractive for the next girl i.e., dressing nice(she'll notice). While you're still with her, do activities and invite her along and if she doesn't join you...still do the activity. Every time you walk out the door you should look and carry yourself like a man that women will want and make sure she sees that.

Again, understand that her statement was the first step towards breakup. Be ready for it.
Author:  cameroona [ Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:37 am ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
To be honest a lot of the time in the past I have been a terrible bf . I remember her trying things to get us back in that zone years ago but I wasn't always interested.

Thanks for your advice jack , its strange I know it is coming but a part of my head says don't worry it will be OK ! Going to be totally gutted .
How should I act this weekend when we are away ? Any ideas.
Regarding physical intimacy at the moment she doesn't seem to be initiating it , so I take it I should just play it cool ?

If the end comes it will be very rough for me as I've spent nearly a decade with this girl and never thought this would happen so I'd like to try my best to keep her without coming off as a desperate loser.

Its funny as she has recently just started going to the gyn a few months ago and just began losing weight , probably another major sign that she wants to be on the market again .

We have a holiday booked for next month for a week , I'm not sure if we will still be together or how I should act if we are ? Flights and hotel are booked
Author:  JackZero [ Thu Jul 16, 2015 4:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
You should act like you are a person that no woman in her right mind would leave. Act like the guy she was initially attracted to, if you remember who you were. I'm not saying this so you can keep her because chances are low on that happening. I'm saying this so you can move on when it happens.

When it comes to your holiday, go on your holiday. If the breakup happens before the holiday just tell her that you'll reimburse her for her half of the trip or she can reimburse you.

After reading what you said about the intimacy and the gym, you knew it was coming before she told you. Understand that it's okay to be bothered, it's just the moving on you need to do. If I were in your position I would have broken up with her the moment she said she didn't feel that spark anymore. Being the person that initiates the breakup gives you tremendous power of getting over the breakup.
Author:  James collin [ Thu Jul 16, 2015 6:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
When a girl say something like that, she is 100% certain, that your relationship is over and you have nothing to offer there can or will change her mind for the time being.

She feels like, she has and have waited forever, for you to se the signs or read between the lines and you didn't. That do not make you to the bad guy in real life, but in a girls emotional world, she feels rejected, neglected and emotionally violated. And what do girls do, when the feel emotionally violated. They close of their emotions and start hating, resenting, blaming and constructing a mental devil of you, who cant hurt them no more. Because its easier to let go of somebody you emotionally hate, even if you love them, then somebody you just love, who have let you down.

So if you really want to save your relationship, walk away from it, give her some space. Tell her this before you leave, that you know you have neglected her, but always loved her. And sorry that you saw it to late, then wait some month or time and ask her how she is doing. Feel the vibe, should you be friends, something more or try again and in the mean time, meet other woman and focus on your self, your next relationship and moving on.
Author:  n2thevoid [ Thu Jul 16, 2015 8:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
Quote:
When a girl say something like that, she is 100% certain, that your relationship is over and you have nothing to offer there can or will change her mind for the time being.

She feels like, she has and have waited forever, for you to se the signs or read between the lines and you didn't. That do not make you to the bad guy in real life, but in a girls emotional world, she feels rejected, neglected and emotionally violated. And what do girls do, when the feel emotionally violated. They close of their emotions and start hating, resenting, blaming and constructing a mental devil of you, who cant hurt them no more. Because its easier to let go of somebody you emotionally hate, even if you love them, then somebody you just love, who have let you down.

So if you really want to save your relationship, walk away from it, give her some space. Tell her this before you leave, that you know you have neglected her, but always loved her. And sorry that you saw it to late, then wait some month or time and ask her how she is doing. Feel the vibe, should you be friends, something more or try again and in the mean time, meet other woman and focus on your self, your next relationship and moving on.
This. With more emphasis on focusing on yourself less so meeting other women.
Author:  masterm1ne [ Thu Jul 16, 2015 8:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
Ok .. well why did no one even ask what's driving you apart?? "Spark" and everything else seems vague..

Did I miss it???
Author:  neo87 [ Thu Jul 16, 2015 8:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
Quote:
Ok .. well why did no one even ask what's driving you apart?? "Spark" and everything else seems vague..

Did I miss it???

Thats' what I was getting to with my question but OP missed it. 8 Years is a long time today to go without getting married, so whatever was stopping the OP from popping the question, most likely played a part here.
As she said:
Quote:
One of the lines she said was is it going to be like this for the next 20 years?
Guys hear this and think she's saying it's boring. But what she could be speaking about is "are we going to just be bf/gf for the next 20 years?" She is at the age, and after 8 years is expecting the relationship to be past bf/gf/living together.

So ask yourself, why didnt the relationship progress by now? Because if you plan to get her back, it's more than just attraction. In fact, if she is leaving you because she feels like you just won't progress the relationship, ie marry her, even if she feels a spark again, she's gonna be sensible and pull away so as to not go and waste her time again. Now, I'm not saying get married to her, but if you just want the girl back to play house again, let her go find someone else.

I'm sure attraction may be a problem, ie things got stale, but it most likely is more than that. If you have a girl super attracted to you, and you dont escalate, she will get tired and just move on. If you hope to get that girl back, if you focus on attraction again, she KNOWs you'll just waste her time again. In that case, you add some escalation. Same way here, it's a matter of rekindling a "spark" and most likely progressing this 8 year relationship.
Author:  masterm1ne [ Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
Quote:
OP missed it.
Your speculation seems correct... but it's unclear. I mean who stays together that long without thinking about commitment? I can tell in about 30 minutes if someone has long term potential with me....

Yes ... OP ... need more data pls!!!
Author:  maria_ [ Fri Jul 17, 2015 4:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
@op
Take her out on a date like it was the first time you date her and pretend you are two strangers meeting for the first time. Have sex with her and do it and enjoy it. Usually after a certain amount of time foreplay is less. So give her that.
If you make so much money also take her for a weekend getaway. Work can wait once in a while.
In long term relationships, if the couple is not taking care of their relationship they end up being two best friends.
She does her own thing because she can't sit at home and wait for you. And it seems that she is starting getting used to the situation. So you need to remind her what made her like you in the first place.
Don't propose to her yet. if you do then you will get rejected because at the moment she can't picture herself being with a guy who doesn't give her what she wants. Wait a bit.
Give it a go and work on the relationship and one of the two things might happen. You might succeed to bring back the sparkle and then you can proceed to propose to her... or you might realise that there is nothing you can do and you can start letting go.
Author:  Heywood Jablowme [ Fri Jul 17, 2015 5:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
Bro, if the sparks not there, then you became too easy for her, therefor the challenge is not there for her.

You must shift out of neutral, and slam it into reverse. Back up to why she was attracted.

The danger must not be the chance of her leaving.....it must be the chance that YOU may leave.

You've committed to stagnation and no evolution in your life, recreate the thrill of the new.
Author:  cameroona [ Fri Jul 17, 2015 6:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
Cannot thank all you guys enough for the advice .

I can possibly explain why we never tied the knot- I never wanted to at the time .
In fact in the past I seriosuly doubted our relationship and would regularly neglect her .I would say I'm not a bad looking dude ,hot girls occasionally show me interest and I definitely took mine for granted

I've began to realise as well that in fact I'm quite a selfish person , I usually do sports 5-6 times per week and left her at home . she would cook and clean and I'm sure that gets boring .

Yes regarding sex , it too became a selfish nature of mine , quite ashamed to admit it but I probably never attended to her needs quite as much as I should have .

I took her out last night for a meal and tried to iniate when we were in bed. She was reluctant at first but we ended up having the best sex we have had in years . I made an effort to ensure she was happy and we both seemed happy .

I'm sure I still have a while to go , but I feel in a better place today .
Author:  Eddie Fews [ Fri Jul 17, 2015 6:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
Quote:
Bro, if the sparks not there, then you became too easy for her, therefor the challenge is not there for her.

You must shift out of neutral, and slam it into reverse. Back up to why she was attracted.

The danger must not be the chance of her leaving.....it must be the chance that YOU may leave.

You've committed to stagnation and no evolution in your life, recreate the thrill of the new.
^ +1

You're the spark man. If you can't get your shit together mentally you'll just have to give her space or go spiraling into a deeper hole than you currently are in. Take some times to yourself to reflect and figure out who you are now and how its different than how you were while the flame was at its brightest.
Author:  R.C [ Mon Jul 20, 2015 12:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My gf of 8 years says there isn't any spark anymore, ple
Quote:
Bro, if the sparks not there, then you became too easy for her, therefor the challenge is not there for her.

You must shift out of neutral, and slam it into reverse. Back up to why she was attracted.

The danger must not be the chance of her leaving.....it must be the chance that YOU may leave.

You've committed to stagnation and no evolution in your life, recreate the thrill of the new.
This. You haven't neglected her OP. You've neglected yourself.
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