Just wanted to start off by saying, Fuck i wish i came across this website, blogs and the other plethora of valuable information out there. I could honestly say I probably wouldn't be in this situation if i had known. Anyways;
Prepare yourselves. Excuse my grammar and sentence structure as its not the best.
So here we go, I've been dating this wonderful girl for over 5 years. We meet back in 2007 when we were both 17, she actually came onto me out of the blue and her being the attractive fun girl she is, i GLADLY followed through. We had an amazing relationship, we were perfect for each other (LOL, I know). Spent tons and tons of time together, many trips and adventures together, tons of sex(She is the only one i've had sex with). It was great. Naturally as the years went on, the excitement had died off some but we still had sex, we still had fun together and still went out and did fun stuff often. I saw her probably almost EVERY day for the past 5 years, minus a couple nights off here and there due to other obligations, I have dreams of becoming a race car driver, so obviously i'm going to be out of town often and be busy with my own dreams. Little did i know, me being less available to her probably drove her attraction for me up and that is probably how I was able to get 5+ years out of her, not to mention we are very compatible, love the same types of food, the same types of movies... Shes watched Fight club with me more times than i can count, along with other numerous movies/series that most females of her hotness probably wouldn't have a clue about. Not to mention shes incredibly smart, loves to cook for me (even in these times of doubt), etc. etc. goes on and on, I thought she was the "one". My Dream girl, she even supported my racing and car addiction, a true keeper in my eyes.
As more time went on, I guess you could say I really took her for granted, and for lack of a better term, started 'blowing her off' and denying her of some of her desires. I would get mad if she hung out with a certain friend because personally i couldn't stand this bitch of a friend of hers, but who am I to say who she can and can't hang out with. I would bitch and whine about anytime i had to go to one of HER friends parties, or one HER friends gatherings, or one of HER family events. She would NEVER complain about constantly hanging out with my friends, going to MY events, or MY parties. Shit, sometimes I wouldn't even buy her a gift for valentines day OR our anniversary. Overall, I talked A LOT of shit about her friends, pretty much controlled some of the things she would do, which now looking back at it... WTF was I doing.
I've done and said a lot of things that I truly think compromised her happiness, things that she loved doing together i would always NOT want to do them or she would have to BEG and PLEAD to get me to do activities with her. I can really see we got into a routine and I took her for granted. I also idolized her as well, i would never really talk to any other girls, mostly because she would get jealous but now I see that's a pretty important part of a relationship (Competitive anxiety?). I also failed a lot of her shit tests (How was I supposed to know?) but i also passed a lot of them as well because naturally i'm a prideful / stubborn about things. Another thing to mention is, we were very dependent on each other. If i was out busy, she wouldn't have anything to do, maybe see a couple of her friends but not often.
Bottomline is, we had a great relationship I feel, TRULY great times, we were planning on getting married sometime soon, getting a place together, all that shit.
Fast forward to this point in time, and now being more aware of the 'signs' i can see where the decline started. We stopped doing fun things together, we stopped going out to places, every weekend was exactly the same. Sit on the couch, watch a movie, go to sleep. Nothing really too exciting. Our idea of "going out" was going to out to a decent dinner maybe Friday or Saturday night. Like I said, nothing really exciting. I must also add, i was struggling with a weed smoking problem. I was constantly smoking, i was basically in a 'haze' and unaware to many things, i was CONTENT with just doing nothing. Matter of fact, many times she would try to get us to do something i would just tell her i'd rather sit here and smoke, and do nothing. We really didn't fight much either, couple arguments here and there but nothing serious. Anyways this continued for a couple months probably. Same old routine of doing nothing, every day after work go over to her house, sit and watch TV, do nothing. Maybe have sex. Sometimes we would go to the local tavern on Monday nights with our friends, but that started becoming less and less too.
About 4 weeks ago she said she was having doubts about our relationship, if we were really meant to be together, because she said shes not happy. That we've both changed. This freaked me out, i went into panic mode and smothered her. Shouldn't of done that, she said she needed some space and time to figure things out, i only smothered her more. Bomb her with sweet text messages, email her love notes, send her e-cards about love and how shes the only one, etc etc. Had the burning desire to want to see her MORE, minutes felt like hours when i was away from her. I was truly losing myself, which i'm sure only drove her farther away. I was going on tangents, definitely all over the place and trying to "FIX" things, i would buy her sweet little gifts, etc. She knew why i was doing it too. Another thing to add, she has been saying she was depressed she couldn't find a job, she recently graduated out of school so it was a major change for her you could say. Not sure if this would of effected anything.
Then about 2 weeks ago, she said we needed to go on an "official break", she needed space she said. To do her own thing, to "Find herself" is what she told me. She said "how can i care about someone, if i don't even know myself". Yeah, sure. All of a sudden that's an issue? lol We went from being lovebirds to my whole world fucking crashing down, i was pretty fucked up to say the least. Then I sent her the MOTHER of all love notes in a 20 fucking long paragraph email professing my love for her, why we would be together, all of our fun times together... You get the picture. The whole time shes telling me that she loves me, and that she hates to hurt me like this. That she loves me SO much and that i was so good to her (???). I basically got friend zoned, after 5 years of being together she fucking friend zones me, LOL. We talked a lot about the relationship, she basically said she didn't feel the romantic spark anymore (lost interest) but wanted to be best friends still. This was after i wined and dined her at her FAVORITE restaurant by SURPRISE too. She said if its true love, then things will work out. She said I must set the bird free, and if it returns then it was meant to be. I must also add, we had a very "drama-free" break up i would say, we both respect each other a lot, and obviously both love each other that I didn't want to make things difficult. Obviously I pleaded a bit, but not too much. Also something to add, she deactivated her Facebook, she said part of the reason was because she didn't want the whole world to see that we broke up, LOL. I'm very close with her family and shes close with mine, her parents LOVE me. Her dad treats me as a son he never had.
Since then I've only seen her probably once or twice, we've talked a bunch through text messages and phone calls, but I was generally the one who would initiate contact (except maybe 2 or 3 times) but she would never ignore me, or blow me off... Talking to her, it honestly seemed like NOTHING had ever happened.
Last Friday and Saturday I talked to her on the phone about 30 minutes each, both great conversations which like i said earlier, felt like nothing was wrong. Matter of fact, she wouldn't hang up without saying "I love you". I was out of town for a couple days, pursuing my racing dream, she knew where i was, she has my season schedule fucking memorized. Texts me out of the blue and says, please be safe this weekend. Oddly enough, I had a really bad crash where I hit the wall at 90mph. Probably because I didn't have a clear mind and all this shit was making me lose focus. When I told her about my wreck, she freaked out, worrying so much about me. You get the idea. I couldn't fucking take it anymore, it was killing me not being with her. I was addicted to her like a fucking drug, last Sunday following those 2 other conversations I asked her if we could meet up when I got home. She was busy at the time and was actually unable too, so I told her to call me when she got a chance i had something to tell her.
She calls me not even 1 minute after I send the text message, she calls. I ignored it, because i was actually busy at that right moment and called back 10 minutes later, she picked up instantly. We talked like nothing had ever happened, a very cheerful conversation, as always with her. Laughing, joking around, catching up on everything. Shes always very interested to hear about what I've been up too, and is always quick to tell me what shes been up to without me even asking. After about 30 minutes of talking, which made this even more difficult... I told her that I didn't want to be her friend anymore, that I love her too much to be just a friend. I told her i wanted her as a girlfriend - a wife. I told her that i'm not interested in anything else, all or nothing. I could tell this really caught her off guard, i could hear her voice getting really crackly, she just simply said "OK, i understand. I will definitely keep that in mind". I knew it got her, i knew it really hurt her because i know she loves me and loves hanging out with me. I told her i wanted to repair our relationship, to bring it back to what it once was. That this is how its going to have to be, remember shes the one who "broke up" with me. She said she loves me so much, and i said it back to her and that was that.
Couple minutes after the phone conversation I sent her a sweet picture through through a text with the words "I love you". The following day, I text her in the morning because i felt awful about what i said to her, we talked in the morning before work, she was definitely showing more interest towards me which I thought was kind of odd, normally she would take a while to respond to texts but we were chatting back and forth all morning. I texted her again later that day, instantly responds, then also texts me again asking something random. again, LATER that day i texted her a random question, she also instantly replies, then goes on and says some other stuff, clearly i'm getting more attention from her now.
I ended up going to the bar that night with a big group of friends, which mind you shes also friends with but she didn't come out. At the end of the night, i drunk dialed her. I wasn't HAMMERED or anything but i was about 5 shots and 4 beers deep. She knows me so well, she knew i was a bit drunk. Anyways, we talked for a while and had a great conversation, I also was keeping her up way past her normal bed time but she didn't really seem to care, she seemed happy to hear from me. Hang up the phone, i texted her good night, we texted a little bit more and that was it. I haven't talked to her since Monday.
I figured the best option for me right now is to go No contact, and see how it goes from here. Its absolutely killing me but i'm keeping myself busy, also have been reading up a lot on some very informative blogs and books about relationships, women psychology and whatnot.
Anyways, forgive me for the incredibly long post. Any useful advice is very appreciated, I really don't want to lose her. Fucking love the shit out of this girl so much. My plan of attack is to go NC, which is in effect as of Tuesday, then create competitive anxiety / subtle jealousy by me going out to bars with some other girls and hoping some pictures / rumors get back to her, spark up an interest in me again. I dunno. I've also started tanning, working out and focusing on self-improvement mentally and physically. If not to get her back, then for myself overall. I figure it would be a win-win situation.
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