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Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
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Author:  Fly_Swatter [ Tue Apr 02, 2013 11:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
So, you make a new girlfriend. She's popular. She has a good mix of female and male friends. She's slept and fooled around with some of her male friends (but you know she no longer does so). She introduces you to them and expects you to be friends with them. Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex FWB? Would you want to even if he was a really cool guy you'd otherwise have a beer with? Or is it immature and childish to refuse to be friends with him?
Author:  Absoliutas [ Wed Apr 03, 2013 2:33 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
Yes. We can all fuck.

You need to let go your ego and destroy the fantasy of "purity".
Author:  vhou812 [ Wed Apr 03, 2013 3:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
Previous answer is right on the money.

My advise is to force yourself to be friends, even if you're not comfortable. If the guy turns out to be a dbag, then you don't have to be friends. But push yourself to exceed boundaries. Clearly if you're not comfortable being friends without even knowing the guy, it says something about your self esteem and inner game.

Turn the tables around for a second. This guy is her ex. Instead of being the guy fucking the shit out of her and meeting an ex of hers, you could be him. Being her ex and meeting the guy she is now fucking. Who would you rather be and why?
Author:  Fly_Swatter [ Wed Apr 03, 2013 4:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
Quote:
Turn the tables around for a second. This guy is her ex. Instead of being the guy fucking the shit out of her and meeting an ex of hers, you could be him. Being her ex and meeting the guy she is now fucking. Who would you rather be and why?
Well if I didn't give two shits about her when I was sleeping with her, then odds are I'd rather be the ex FWB than the new boyfriend. Why? Because (1) as the ex-FWB, I still don't care much for her and the fact she has a new bf, and (2) as the new bf, I'd hate knowing the thought of "sloppy seconds" would cross the ex-FWB's mind, and knowing that he knows what she looks like naked, and all her dirty little tricks.

Not saying my way of thinking is the right way. Simply explaining my logic. I've seen your posts around here and I value your opinion.
Author:  krular [ Wed Apr 03, 2013 3:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
Quote:
(2) as the new bf, I'd hate knowing the thought of "sloppy seconds" would cross the ex-FWB's mind, and knowing that he knows what she looks like naked, and all her dirty little tricks.
This can be referred to the
Quote:
Yes.

You need to let go your ego and destroy the fantasy of "purity".
Sounds like you prefer The ostrich syndrome: lf you don't see it-- - lt isn't there. But really, when committing the past should be left in the past. Who she was with before you shouldnt matter, rather or not she is faithful to you or not is.
Author:  vhou812 [ Wed Apr 03, 2013 7:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
Krular hit the nail on the head again with the purity thing. As I've grown older, I've learned that I don't mind and actually prefer a chick who has some sexual experience. They typically know what they like and I think tend to be better in bed.

With regards to your logic, everyone thinks about it their own way. Your point on not giving 2 shits wouldn't be valid to me because if you don't give 2 shits, then you aren't friends at all. I don't spend time or energy being friends with men or women I don't give 2 shits about. Until the guy says or does something to make you not like him, he's just another guy to me.

Sloppy seconds doesn't apply unless she's still fucking him. At least for me. But you are your own man. Might actually be interesting to know why they are EX FWB. Were they fucking right up until you met her? And even if so, seems like you could take a little pride knowing she quit fucking someone because she met you. Just random thoughts on the subject.
Author:  Fly_Swatter [ Thu Apr 04, 2013 9:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
Well, I have no problem with her past. It would be foolish for me to wish for her to be "pure." The specific problem I had was with her wanting me to be friends with ex-FWBs of hers.

I asked my female friends how they would feel if their boyfriends would want them to be friends with their ex-FWB. I received mixed opinions. Some vehement noes. Some were already friends with their boyfriends' exes. It was 50/50 really.

In the end I decided I'll try to be friends with ALL her friends. Except if the guy's a douche, then no. I don't think it's beta for me to concede on this debate.
Author:  vhou812 [ Fri Apr 05, 2013 5:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
Definitely not beta to meet the guy. You never know, he could be really cool and you could turn out to be better friends than she thinks they are. I wouldn't force yourself to be friends with him, just force yourself not to write people off with a bunch of pre-concieved notions. Doing that is definitely not alpha, nor is good by any other measure.
Author:  Dr. Jones [ Sat Apr 06, 2013 8:49 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
I agree with the above that there can be preconceived notions that may cloud the truth of the situation. However, in this situation, kicking back a couple beers and throwing darts with one of her exes sounds great in principal. In truth: no man likes to meet the guy who used to fuck his girl. It's clumsy conversation, weird vibes, and it's potentially violent.

Do you really lack inner game if you're opposed to doing this? Maybe. But is that more "beta" than playing social butterfly and hanging out with these guys? All men are visual. I guess it's up to you. Can you savor your beer while visualizing him pounding her and busting a nut in her face in glorious technicolor?

How many of your exes would you turn down for one more romp, assuming if no one would get hurt?

If you only have to meet them the one time, you'll live. But continuously? Forget it.
Author:  neo87 [ Sat Apr 06, 2013 2:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
I agree with the advice here about beliefs, but as Dr Jones says this is an awkward situation. Your gf not only hangs out with old exs and FB's (which would already be awkward) but expects you to be friends with them too?

Ask yourself, are you being alpha because you can hang out with her old FWBs, or beta because she is setting the rules for a weird situation and telling you to be ok with it. As Dr Jones said, one time and you'll live; but continuously? How many guys here would tell their gf that they hang out with old fbs and then tell them they expect them to be friends with these girls? Ask yourself, if she cared about your feelings would she put you through that
Author:  Fly_Swatter [ Sat Apr 06, 2013 11:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
Quote:
Can you savor your beer while visualizing him pounding her and busting a nut in her face in glorious technicolor?
This is my problem. If she was my FWB, then I probably wouldn't care. But seeing as I deeply care about her, it's more challenging to put such thoughts aside.
Quote:
Ask yourself, are you being alpha because you can hang out with her old FWBs, or beta because she is setting the rules for a weird situation and telling you to be ok with it. As Dr Jones said, one time and you'll live; but continuously? How many guys here would tell their gf that they hang out with old fbs and then tell them they expect them to be friends with these girls? Ask yourself, if she cared about your feelings would she put you through that
Good point. Her and I are at odds on other issues as well, not just this one. And I THINK I'm being alpha by conceding on this one. Afterall, it sounds silly when you really think about it. And just to be clear, she's not in touch with her exes... Just FWB, and even then she doesn't see them very often.
Author:  Dr. Jones [ Sun Apr 07, 2013 2:00 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
I don't know if you remember Hakuna? He used to post here all the time, his blog is solvemygirlproblems.com. Just brilliant stuff.

I spoke with him about girls and their numbers, their past dalliances. I told him I didn't see the point in asking a girl how many partners she's had. He said this was good, that to pry, there's a 90% chance you won't like the answer.

However, he did tell me that while you shouldn't pry, if the girl's past finds you, unprovoked on your end, that this is a red flag.

I'm not suggesting any course of action. Just that it's peculiar that she wants you and some random dude to be friends when the common denominator is her vagina. She should focus less on the past, more on the future.
Author:  Fly_Swatter [ Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:49 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
Quote:
However, he did tell me that while you shouldn't pry, if the girl's past finds you, unprovoked on your end, that this is a red flag.
I don't know Hakuna. But I can see how this would make sense. However, I must say that though her past technically found me first, her past has been buried in the past. As far as I know, she's remained nothing but friends with previous flings, and nothing beyond friendship remains. She's an overly-friendly person and would even befriend homeless creeps. So I'm not at all concerned on that end.

Anyhow, I could raise stinks over a few other things but I think this is something I can leave behind for now.
Author:  vhou812 [ Mon Apr 08, 2013 10:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Can you be friends with your girlfriend's ex or ex-FWB?
I simply don't see how it can be alpha to worry about this shit? She wants you to meet friends of hers. Who gives a fuck who she fucked and who she didn't. Is she still fucking him or not? If not, what the fuck do you care.

My message remains the same, though I can see the points raised about letting her control the relationship. My advise was this, meet the guy. If you like him yourself, hang out with him whenever you feel like it. If you don't, then don't. I actually laughed my ass off at the thought of someone standing around drinking beer while visualizing the guy nailing her. Insecurity to the max. In that environment, then only thing I would be visualizing is me nailing the shit out of her in technicolor.
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