Okay, so December 1st I went on a date with a super gorgeous and smart lady. Of course, I started off with the gorgeous opener, and then proceeded to talk at the metro.
Shortly after, we'd arrived at the coffee shop, and engaged in conversation. Wasn't sexual now that I think of it, fuck.
Touched hands a bit during arm wrestling, and then proposed the idea of embarassing her as a joke.
We then started to walk around, whilst talking. No hand holding, fuck my life.
So, after some blablabla we went to eat lunch and I asked her how many boyfriends she had and she replied saying
that "she had none". Apparently, she went through a breakup with Billy 2 weeks ago, where he stopped talking to her.
During this time, she realized that high school relationships were overrated. Of course, I persisted into saying
that I'd ignore her attempts of alienation. She said that she was serious though, so I quickly changed the subject.
Some more time passed, ended up going to another coffee shop, with nice music. Over here, it was pretty relaxed.
Calmed down a bit, she refused to do the couch sitting, which sucked. Eventually, we talked with several people,
and I could tell that they thought we were a good couple, seeing as we were young, etc. I showed that I was
confident speaking with other people, as well as herself. Then, I started escalating a bit more. We went in the mall,
and I stopped her to tell her that I wasn't bullshitting. I took her hand, and started to get close and stare
intensly in the eyes. I softened my voice, and started getting really touchy. I went for a hug, and held it for
a couple seconds. After that point, I became very different with her, more calm and more sexual.
Then proceeded to the metro, had a small talk about relationships. She still said that high school relationships
were overrated, and she wanted to know if she knew where she was coming from. I told her to take a chancy, saying that
it's the turning point in her life, and that if she doesn't take this chance that she just lost the lottery.
I claimed it was an oppurtunity lost, and she changed it to "oppurtunity won". On the metro, I put my arm around
her the entire time, and really looked at her like I wanted her. It started to become silent, and we just sat there
with my arm around her, while I sat wondering she liked me or if she genuinely didn't want a relationship.
I asked her boldly, and she told me I was a cool guy, but that I had to understand where she was coming from.
After that, we got on the bus and Julianna got on as well, in which Rebecca's mood became low energy immedietly.
She claimed to be timid, and I couldn't put my arm around here anymore because she didn't want people to know.
I had to "take it easy", and keep it a privacy thing. I asked if she would talk about it with her sister, and she
said yes. The rest of the ride was dull, I sat there wondering and blabbering how I would love to be with her and such.
At the end, I hugged her and walked out, stating that I would text her. I walked to A&W, in which country sad music
was playing. I felt like I had just gotten a spear through my heart, and became very sad. I proceeded to the bathroom,
taking a long piss and thinking about it more. I imagined that A&W was the bar, and I was the fool enduring the pain.
I then decided to go to the park, and do a full body workout. I played stupify/haunted/the night/ and the one that
really hurt me was "Enough". I think my sadness ate me away, I felt like crying and that's what made me perform
exceptional during the workout. I don't know how, it was fucking cold and I managed to do 15+ rounds with ease.
Could attraction be this possible? As I type this, I still wonder what's going to happen in the future, while listening
to stupify by disturbed. One possible theory of mine is that she doesn't want to be seen in the high school environment in
a relationship, because when Julianna came in I had to slow my ass down. She's timid, that's what she told me,
and that she can't change that. Yet, the date wasn't timid at all. What do I believe now? What the fuck can I do?
I can EASILY move on and get another girlfriend in a flash, but I do feel connection with her. I can wait like
a beta fuckhead, or can move on. However, I wouldn't feel happy going with someone else, even if it meant sex.
So for now, I'll wait it out, and continue basic conversation. I give it till the next date, and if that fucks up I'm done.
Well, time to listen to some Enough by Disturbed, because I feel like shit.
WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!!!!
Fucking bullshit man, fucking bullshit.