[quote="Wal"iif you don't care, you won't feel the need to ask.[/quote]
unless your lovely GF decides to shit test you by throwing all kind of random details about her sexual past, of course
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| Lessons from a happy relationship https://www.pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=128&t=143337 |
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| Author: | Chief [ Fri Aug 17, 2012 4:56 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Lessons from a happy relationship |
I've been fairly inactive in the pickup community these past few months because I've been involved in a relationship that evolved into a serious, exclusive relationship full of passion and commitment from what started off as just a simple open relationship. This has been, so far, the most serious LTR I've ever been in, and I'm learning a lot of things that I never learned as a pickup artist who had more temporary relations with multiple women. As I learned and practiced pickup artistry over the course of nearly a decade, I have eventually discovered that most of what works best in seduction can be boiled down to a number of key concepts. These concepts include, but are not limited to: honesty, sincerity, a true lack of insecurity (aka confidence developed from seriously resolving your internal issues instead of just "faking it til you make it"), and clear communication. I feel as if these good lessons I learned as a seducer prepared me for this LTR because, as fate would have it, all of those qualities I have listed above seem to make up the core foundation of a healthy, loving relationship. I see a lot of guys struggling in their relationships with their girlfriends because they lack one or more of those qualities in either themselves or within their relationship(s). I see questions posted like "What if your girlfriend notices that there is something wrong with you?" and I really don't understand why they can't just have a frank discussion about whatever concerns come up between the two of them. I see other guys giving advice like "If your girlfriend did ___, then you should flirt with other women to make her jealous," and I really don't understand why they're playing those power games when relationships shouldn't be about power. I understand that women get equally shitty advice from their girly magazines and unenlightened girl friends, but the overall lack of honesty and open communication in so many relationships I see is astounding. And horrifying. Honestly, I would expect more from a group of men who studied pickup. I would expect them to have overcome many of their insecurities, but they are still letting their insecurities guide their thoughts and decisions. I learned from Buddhism that relationships should be about "we," like a coming together of two minds into one, rather than about "I" or "me" and "he/she" or "him/her." To strive toward the goal of "we," I began my current relationship with a very simple idea, and that idea was to have complete open and honest communication with my girlfriend. Initially, it was a bit of a struggle to get to that point as we both had some insecurities to work out in order to feel comfortable with the idea of telling each other everything. Fortunately, though, neither of us had any serious fucked up issues that prevented us from eventually getting to that point. Most people don't. What bloomed from the seed of that simple idea turned out to become the backbone of an inevitably strong relationship. It's rather obvious, really. The clearer and more frequent the communication between two people, the more "right" everything in their relationship becomes. Some people fear that revealing all of the cards in your hand will result in some sort of loss like in a poker game. However, a healthy relationship shouldn't be a game of boyfriend versus girlfriend, right? I say that better communication leads to a more "right" relationship because, first of all, it would naturally aid in conflict resolution and, second of all, it would bring to light the potential conflicts that will otherwise become a slowly damaging poison to the relationship if left as the ignored elephant in the room. Open and honest communication will bring to light those conflicts both solvable and potentially unsolvable, giving both partners a better point of assessment on which to base their individual and collective decisions. Most of the problems that I've seen in unhappy relationships seem to stem from a lack of communication, whether it's a failure of communicating and managing expectations or an insecurity creating a fear of communicating something. This is why I believe that good communication is the most important aspect of a relationship, as it has so far proven to me to be almost a magic bullet that can shoot down practically any obstacle that stands between you and your partner, provided that both you and your partner are mature enough to know how to really listen to one another. With all of that said, why do some people "stonewall" their partners by closing the doors of communication whenever problems arise? The truth is, a lot of people don't recognize that having the short term comfort of avoiding conflict is not worth the price of the long term damage it can do. Some people are too insecure to reveal their true selves and their true desires. Some people haven't developed the necessary listening skills to know how to use communication in a highly beneficial way. And then there are some people who don't know how to feel inspired enough to break through their own stubborn comfort zones for the sake of having healthy relationships with their loved ones. Whatever the case is, in the end none of us should make excuses. The benefits of having great communication with your partner are too great to not take advantage of. My girlfriend and I see pretty eye-to-eye and we now tend to "stay on the same page" with each other, but she also thinks that this is a matter of luck, and in a way she's right. If you don't meet someone with a communication style that matches yours, an attempt at having completely open and honest communication could end up in a series of never-ending fights. However, having great communication also entails great listening skills, patience, and putting your ego aside. These are all skills that can be developed, and so I believe it doesn't have to be a matter of luck, at least not as much as most people would imagine. Having such a great relationship so far has given me a lot of perspective on what's really important, and I'm nothing but excited to learn more. It has given me the chance to be very optimistic about my girlfriend and I enriching each other's lives, and to continue enriching each other's lives for a potentially long time to come. For all of you reading this, may you have happy relationships with great communication, and I hope you all reap the same benefits I have had so far. |
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| Author: | dark one [ Fri Aug 17, 2012 5:28 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Great post! I have been doing a lot of reading lately on spirituality, buddhism, and how it ties into not only every day life but also relationships with a gf or wife and even family and friends! Many of us can take something from this post, including my self! communication really is a key stone in the relationship! without it thing always break down. My question to you is what do you share? the obvious of course, such as our hopes, dream, fear, what bothers us, but what specifically do you feel you share that is different? Are there controversial subject such as number of people you have been with sexually? or thing you have done in the past you are not proud of? The reason I ask is because I am of the thought process that it is better to get everything out from the get go then to have it found out down the road. For example you date a girl for a year and find out before she met you she had slept with a large number of men, or she went had a threesome with 2 guys, or perhaps she went to jail for something very bad....these are example of things that could cause major issues down the road! things that we all hide in order to "save face" and cushion out ego's, yet in the end the past usually always comes back to kick you in the ass! Do you believe there is a line at how much we should share? or no? I personally don't think you really know someone 100% until you know there most intimate details, its easy for someone to point out all their positive qualities, but unflattering things are were a persons true colors shine! how they react in certain situation, or how they live their life day to day before they met you. |
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| Author: | Chief [ Sat Aug 18, 2012 7:16 am ] |
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Quote: My question to you is what do you share? the obvious of course, such as our hopes, dream, fear, what bothers us, but what specifically do you feel you share that is different? Are there controversial subject such as number of people you have been with sexually? or thing you have done in the past you are not proud of? The reason I ask is because I am of the thought process that it is better to get everything out from the get go then to have it found out down the road.
That's a very good question.For example you date a girl for a year and find out before she met you she had slept with a large number of men, or she went had a threesome with 2 guys, or perhaps she went to jail for something very bad....these are example of things that could cause major issues down the road! things that we all hide in order to "save face" and cushion out ego's, yet in the end the past usually always comes back to kick you in the ass! Do you believe there is a line at how much we should share? or no? I personally don't think you really know someone 100% until you know there most intimate details, its easy for someone to point out all their positive qualities, but unflattering things are were a persons true colors shine! how they react in certain situation, or how they live their life day to day before they met you. One of my "natural" friends had an analogy about letting someone get to know you, and he described it like opening a door to make a dark room brighter. If you open the door too fast all at once, the room will get too bright too suddenly and the person in the dark room is going to be all like "ah that hurts my eyes" and they won't like that. If, however, you open the door slowly, little by little, the person in the dark room will adjust to the light better and will be able to enjoy seeing the light. I think that you should eventually be able to share everything with your romantic partner, but of course not all at once. You have to pace it and the right pace will depend on the two of you because everyone is different. |
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| Author: | wooper [ Sun Aug 19, 2012 10:55 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
I agree with this thread. But I think most importantly you have to want the same outcome from the relationship. If you're both pulling in different directions, no amount of communication will fix it. |
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| Author: | dark one [ Mon Aug 20, 2012 3:13 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
I agree 100% with what was posted! I feel like the only way to really know someone and trust them is to know everything about them! When you have no secrets it sets you free, there are no demons that will rear their heads later in the relationship, it is much better to get everything out on the table! That being said you have to be a very confident man and have solid inner game in order to accept what your gf is telling you, you can't ask her to tell you everything about her past and then get mad when she tells you something that bothers you. A perfect example that I always go back to is her "number" most want to know their gf's number, they dig, and beg to get it and when their gf tells them "I have slept with 15 guys" they freak out at her lol It takes an inner calmness and extreme confidence to get to this level, but when you can let things like this roll off your shoulders it makes a relationship run much smoother! |
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| Author: | Bezy [ Wed Aug 22, 2012 10:04 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
I completely agree with one caveat, as you grow older and are with your significant other for longer you can get lazy and forget to be a good communicator and become victim of their unique way of communicating. Always be diligent and make yourself a good communicator because it is one of the most important aspects of life. Also, it is important how you say things so your significant other receives them without an ensuing argument or taking them as a insult. |
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| Author: | Sleeky*Smooth [ Thu Aug 23, 2012 9:40 am ] |
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this whole post has really helped me alot ...this is exactly what I was looking for thanks ...my relationship is basicaly based on trust and honesty but as it is I sometimes let my insecurities get the best of me and I end up over-thinking alot...something i hav to work on but thanks again dude |
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| Author: | Chief [ Fri Aug 24, 2012 2:53 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Quote: this whole post has really helped me alot ...this is exactly what I was looking for thanks ...my relationship is basicaly based on trust and honesty but as it is I sometimes let my insecurities get the best of me and I end up over-thinking alot...something i hav to work on but thanks again dude
Yeah, I hear everywhere that the number one most important thing in a relationship is trust but I would definitely say that trust is nothing without the proper communication... so really the most important thing is probably the type of open and honest communication I was talking about.
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| Author: | sincostan [ Fri Aug 24, 2012 3:23 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Good advice. Communication is indeed the key to a successful relationship. |
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| Author: | Wal [ Tue Sep 04, 2012 12:50 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Thanks, Chief. Nice post. Quote: That being said you have to be a very confident man and have solid inner game in order to accept what your gf is telling you, you can't ask her to tell you everything about her past and then get mad when she tells you something that bothers you. A perfect example that I always go back to is her "number" most want to know their gf's number, they dig, and beg to get it and when their gf tells them "I have slept with 15 guys" they freak out at her lol
Yup, when I was younger I used to go there. As I had more dates, and more girlfriends, I started to realize that number doesn't really correlate to anything real. The ultimate goal isn't "to be confident" when you learn about people's sexual pasts. The goal is not to care about it at all. If you can separate past and present, you won't really care what her past was, and if you don't care, you won't feel the need to ask./thread jack |
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| Author: | TheSeagull [ Wed Sep 05, 2012 4:11 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
[quote="Wal"iif you don't care, you won't feel the need to ask.[/quote] unless your lovely GF decides to shit test you by throwing all kind of random details about her sexual past, of course
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| Author: | 96Firebird [ Wed Sep 05, 2012 6:30 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Very nice post Chief, communication is definitely a HUGE part of any relationship. My ex and I had great communication when we started off, but somewhere along the line it faded and that ultimately lead to our split 3.5 years later. Your relationship is still young, and it seems like you are having a great time in it. I'm happy for you, just realize that things slowly change over time, so slow that you may not even notice. People change, dynamics change, the relationship changes (and all of these changes are not always for the better). I wish you many more years of happiness, you deserve it for all the things you have done around here. |
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| Author: | Wal [ Thu Sep 06, 2012 2:20 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Quote: Quote: if you don't care, you won't feel the need to ask.
unless your lovely GF decides to shit test you by throwing all kind of random details about her sexual past, of course /sorry again for the thread jack, just felt the desire to clarify |
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| Author: | TheSeagull [ Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:07 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Quote:
As long as everything is good between the two of you, right now, what difference would it make?
practically none. which is exactly why I would have much preferred to live in blissful ignorance. I don't think it "makes a difference".. I just don't like having images of the sexual past of my girlfriend. But she thought it was a good shit test to throw at me.. Amen!
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| Author: | do8 [ Mon Sep 10, 2012 11:51 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Okay Chief, you described the ideal relationship. And I agree with that. The problem is though, that a lot of posts/books/blogs/articles tell you about how a relationship should be. That is a good start. But achieving this with real life examples is what I am missing. I mean, do you need to be extremely smart to understand that communication is the no 1 key component in a relationship? I am not saying that your post is useless, please don't get me wrong; it actually sums everything up very well and i know that you are experienced and i am happy for you. But I am missing an advice on how to achieve that? Let's take my example. I am 23, she is 22, we have been in a relationship for over a year. I am very social, outgoing and eager to communicate a lot, I love opening up myself nearly anybody, I care about my social status  On the other hand, i have a hard time keeping secrets and talk to much in general; not such a good listener.She is the opposite: difficult to open up, she even avoids speaking with close people at some times - not sure why - she says she does not want to do that now. She is happy though that she met some new friends (that were just my friends before) and some of them are close friends with her now. She says that she is trying to be more social and more open because both me and her want it. A good part of her is that she would rather have less good friends while I would have more acquaintances than close friends. But she still has a hard time talking about private issues. even with me. Therefore the 1st key element (communication) in a healthy relationship is weak. It results in the 2nd key element (trust) being weak from my side. I can hardly trust anybody that is not open to me. She says trusts me though Is there anything that can be done? Or I am just with a wrong woman and this relationship will not work out in long term? Advice, ideas? |
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