Sorry for not responding to your posts but it's 145AM and I just want to go to sleep right now but I'm still going to make a quick post because I think that it's within my best interest to keep this diary updated - as a way of holding myself accountable and as incentive for making progress.
At this point I am still debating as to whether or not to continue to do pickup or not. Biggest reason why not is because I know deep in my heart that I am sinning against G-d for attempting to have sex with random female strangers. However, reasons to keep going is that it gives me happiness, motivation and a way for relaxation. I have attempted to rationalize that I would just be friends with the females that I meet but even that is a gray area because the friendship status will almost inevitably lead to something else.
Something that I've realized is that pickup is like everything else in life: a superficial, fleeting pleasure. For 3 years I've been chasing an "empty box". But even if I'm chasing vanity, it still happens to give me incredible motivation for life. I've classified pickup as a casual hobby. However is this hobby worth giving up my soul?
If I do decide to quit then I'll need to substitute with some kind of new hobby, namely self-development. Here's what I wrote in my tumblr diary earlier today:
"There’s only one question to answer though - if not for pickup, then what do I have to live for? What will keep me moving forward when I don’t feel like it?
For example: when It came to pickup I had the following prospects:
(1) Get laid legally.
(2) Get a GF who sexts.
(3) Write a PUA book.
(4) Become a famous youtube celebrity.
But now that I’ll be quitting pickup then what do I have to look forward to? I need some kind of immediate goal to keep me motivated and going."
I am still uncertain but regardless of what my decision is. However, even if it is to do pickup - then I am still better off focusing 100% on my inner-game at the moment because as much as I hate to admit it, my life is a mess. I am weak mentally, physically and spiritually. Until I get my life handled, I won't be able to go anywhere. Not only that, but also would risky my college career going down the drain because I need to be at the peak of my game to do well. I can't take any chances with my future career path or I'll be playing with fire. My own life must come before pickup.
I've tried self-development many times before and have failed endlessly. What makes me thing that this time will prove to be successful? Because the stakes have never been higher. If I play my cards right, then I'll be able to get into that internship program that I wanted and my future will be set. But until that happens, I have to spend all my time to ensure the highest chances of that succeeding.
Anyways that's all for now though,
I'm going to end it with a few thoughts on pickup: