Hello
, this is my first time visiting the forum and I would like some fellow men's advice and just wanting to write to open up.Summer is finally here and I am devoting it to recovering from the last semester. I am exercising and practicing guitar and studying PUA. I am a 23 yo virgin (no shame), which makes me desperate at times and possibly try-hard. Perhaps as you read this you may find some useful bits of information or would be able to help me.
First attempt to get some
Code:
First I encountered a beautiful HB6 at the gym. We were walking around the track for about 30 minutes as I tried to seduce her and see how open she was sexually. She said that she had a boyfriend and I replied "that's ok because I don't want to be your boyfriend anyway" and I eventually got her phone number anyway before she left. I told her I was going to continue running because that's what I was doing before I ran up to her playfully like I was out of breath (she successfully interpreted that I was joking).
Either that night or the next day I was planning to meet up with her again and she was either trying to blow me off or test me or is really open and invited me to meet her at the chapel on campus at 2:00 in the morning. I declined and wanted to recover from her insult if it was and called her back an invited her to hang out with some friends. We didn't hang out that night. We did eventually end up going to dinner together. As I followed her back to her dorm we stopped at an intersection in the street and it appeared as though she was looking at me with 'doe eyes' and I think I could have slept with her then. We continuouslly met for dinner and I now realize she kept throwing stuff at me that gave me an excuse to go check out her room, but I was so paranoid and scared from how long she took I thought she was setting me up to have me jumped or humiliated when we got to her room. I eventually got depressed and slowly moved away from her and that eventually lost her.
Later that semester I was so depressed and horny (because I remained abstinent to motivate me) because I tried so hard to get laid (instead of just having fun) and eventually tried to overdose. I called the poison control center to ask them what would happen based off how much I took to get feedback to positively confirm that I was going to die. I will never forget how I felt that day. I was so relieved I felt happy and I told myself 'it's finally going to be over, I don't have to endure the pain and struggling any more'. Almost two years later I'm now in counseling and doing better and have slightly more success.The reason I felt suicidal is because I grew up in this ghetto ass town where I was not able to properly experience life as I should have: going out on dates, having fun, etc. Instead I grew up in fear and was constantly harassed by the ghetto kids and my abusive dad, which put me into a really passive state. My friend keeps telling people I"m shy, but I no longer believe in shyness I only see passiveness or assertiveness in people. I was also addicted to video games because I used them as an excuse to escape my environment, but it eventually became a habit then an addiction. That is now over as I play guitar now.
There was another girl I started dating last semester and we made out and even slept in her friends' bed and she once said "we're taking our business into the bathroom" but I was so scared with all our friends there I didn't know what to do and denied. One time she was also really drunk and invited me to spend the night with her and I declined then to, just because I did not want to take advantage of her especially with her friends there and I could not tell how drunk she was or if she was testing me (she had two large cups of everclear mixed with hawaiin punch). I took her out on a movie and a date and tried to sleep with her that night, which was almost a month later and she denied, that is when the relationship slowly started dying off and she talked to me once in the chapel and said that she wanted someone "more loud" and claimed that she had never had someone treat her with so much respect, but still wanted to leave me; go figure.
I am becoming more outspoken and I just want some help with conversation because I have so little experience I feel at times my mind is completely blank because I don't know how to joke around and I don't have these elaborate stories to tell as all my friends seems to spontaneously do. I barely even remember my past to talk about it because it is all a black void I seem to have repressed. I can only seem to remember random things up until the point I left for college.
I am trying to have more of a life to give myself something to talk about because I now play guitar, I go to parties with my new friend at college, and I am trying to focus more on other people instead of being self centered, but at times still feel suicidal because I am so desperate.