Hey guys
Right so before I get into this please bear in mind its
bit of a long one, but it's a dedicated post to all the new guys
or noobs getting into the community and specifically
dealing with their Approach Anxiety. I feel that
you guys aren't getting enough advice and
guidance from the contributors on this
forum and that is why I want to help.
You need this info or you won't
go anywhere.
If you're up for an informative read (easy, understandable and relatable shit)
and are serious about overcoming the anxiety of the approach, read on and
enjoy the post, I'm sure this will help your AA in many ways as it has helped
me thus far.
Lets do this.
Let's first discuss what exactly AA is and why it's holding you back.
Approach Anxiety is what happens is when you feel a complete rush
of conflicting emotions within yourself...Rational and irrational emotions...
and this is what's stopping you from making that approach, but before I
get into this, I'll relate to you on what you're probably feeling BEFORE
making that approach.
Picture this for a minute: You've been motivated to get out the house
and you've decided "Today is the day I make an approach
TODAYI'M GOING TO DO IT!!" By now you're heart is racing a little
and you arrive at the mall (wherever it is) and you walk
through the entrance doors...Bam...you're scared now.
You're thinking about what you've learnt and how will
you do. You're heart is going a little bit faster now
as you now know it try or fly time. You begin
walking casually and you try looking around
for a pretty girl to approach...you may even
say to yourself "come on...come on...",
you want to approach someone so badly but at
the same time your not welcoming it all.
A few minutes go by and you begin doubting if
there's anyone even worthwhile approaching...
you then see her, about 100meters away...
beautiful girl, long flowing hair, amazing figure to
compensate the elegant dress and dashing eyes...
You're heart is racing faster than ever now. This
is your chance. She begins to walk close in your direction.
You're thinking "OK! COME ON! LETS DO THIS!!!"
She's moving in really fast now, you can feel
your heart from the outside of your shit its pumping
so hard and fast now. Just then at the same time,
100 million thoughts avalanche into your head
and you begin to doubt yourself and what you
should do. "Should I use this approach? What
will she think of this? What should I do? What should I say?
SHE'S SO HOT she's probably heard that line 1000 times
Why would she want to talk to me? She probably
has a BF so there's no point...She looks
busy I don't want to annoy here. My breathe smells
I cant approach now! SHE'S GETTING SO CLOSE!!
APPROACH HER NOW!!! COME ON!! WHAT ARE
YOU DOING??? APPROACH!!!!!!!"
In the heat of all this
happening, you've walked straight past her...
she's gone. You now think to yourself
"FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!! WHY
IS THIS SO HARD!?!?!?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????
I'LL NEVER GET OVER THIS AA!!!!!! FUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK!!!"
You then leave the location, feeling disappointed, not only
in yourself but if this thing that's holding you back will
ever go away...will ever get rid of this THING?? You
wanted to approach more than anything...but there
was something, just something that was just
holding you back...this one little thing.
Does that sound very familiar to you in any way?
Now if you've acknowledged that feeling...we can move on.
One thing that you must realise is that, AA is very common habit
amongst those within the community. Don't forget, even the
greatest PUA's had Approach Anxiety just like you!
Style (Neil Strauss),Mystery, Gambler...they all had it, maybe if not worse. There was
only one way they got rid of it, and will tell you how they did it.
They got over their fears, by using the process of Systematic Desensitization.
S.D is a process in behavioral therapy in which the subject
is exposed to his/her fears over a consistent period...and
overtime, if that subject is exposed to that fear OVER and
OVER and OVER AND OVER again enough...that fear will be
abolished. Their cognitive reasoning will now think "rational"
thoughts instead of "irrational". What is meant by this
is that once they internally acknowledged that the
fear has no possession over them...they are free'd from it.
Simple as that.
Here's an example: Say for example you have a fear of Spiders...
the only way you can ever overcome that fear of Spiders, is by
being exposed to them as often as possible...or to speed up that
process, get into a container filled of the hairiest spiders
you can find and allow them to crawl over you.
At first you'll begin to feel really frightened because
this is a new feeling your experiencing and even
embracing on a large emotional scale. You have
not been exposed enough to the fear in order to
get rid of it and thats where its control over you
takes over your mind.
Back to the spiders. After sitting with those spiders for a long
period of time, what will happen? Absolutely...nothing. What
can the fear do to you now? NOTHING. You've now conditioned
your mind to go into a calm state of being and awareness,
and your thoughts and energies aren't energies of
fear or scare...they are thoughts of "Oh, cool story bro. Oh
you're a fuckin spider...what are you gonna do? Crawl on me?
HAH! I don't give a shit!
" After that you can shout "I'M CURED!" and run around the
neighborhood naked...your a regular Bear Grylls now!
It's the exact same principle with overcoming your fear of
approaching. In order to overcome your fear of "approaching",
you need go out there and expose yourself to that unfamiliar
environment...and make it familiar so you can hardwire
your mind to feel comfortable and in a relaxed state
that makes it easier to achieve. In essance, the more
approach, the less likely you are to be afraid of
restrained by it and the MORE likely you are
to overcome that fear of starting the routine
or opener!
The reason you have such anxieties towards
approaching is because you were never taught
HOW to overcome that fear. Our parents certainly didn't
bother to teach us how to feel about fear or overcoming it.
Our fathers certainly didn't have the time to show us to be a
"man" about it. We had to kind of learn it for ourselves...
and now all this knowledge that you don't know how it
handle is being suppressed and stored deep inside
your mind where self doubt and lethargic
tendancies rise to the suface.
(YOU'RE HALFWAY THROUGH THE POST, KEEP GOING
Pleasemake yourself a sandwhich if you want!)
There are 2 emotions that you need to be made aware about
as this will give you some good insight into what your anxiety
is composited of...Rational emotions and irrational emotions.
We'll even discuss as to why you cant have these 2
conflictions in the same space.
A 'rational' emotion would be something positive,
like approaching someone you've never met before or communicating
to someone in a way that is new to you (just general pickup example).
You even experience thoughts like
"Wow that girl is beautiful...! How great would it be, just to talk to her for a few
moments? That would make my day
Lets do it!" Essentially, you're having only 'good thoughts' in your mind
and you want to direct all those good thoughts and energies into
that approach...Having positive thoughts not only gives you
that confidence but it creating your own esteem on the approach.
You always want to try and be in this state of good energy, have
that positive inertia and just overall great attitude about the
journey.
Now for irrational: Irrational emotions is everything you don't
want to feel when in the field and the thoughts that bar you
from thinking clearly and making your judgement go fucking
haywire. Examples of this would be "She is too hot for me,
whats the point of approaching her? What is she does (X)
and thinks (X) afterwards...? I better leave it, I'll get
the next one
)Basically these emotions are the bad energies and thoughts
that limit you from doing what you want. This is the result
of that initial fear holding that possession over you,
you are not exposing yourself enough to the
fear! Apart from that, you also need to
think about the one key sentence I said there:
They are: What if...
Right there...the line. Those 2 word...TAKE THEM OUT of your
mind right now. The very second you think "What if...", you've
already began to lose and that's when your mind starts to
fuck you over big time.
To combat this, internalize this instead: Who gives a shit what
she says about this or what she does that? WHO CARES? I'm doing HER
the favor by talking to her! She should be privileged to be in my prescence
and even talk to me.
THAT is the kind of attitude you should be having and internalizing and
replacing the 'what ifs' with. The only time, THE ONLY TIME you can say
'what if' is when you get enough confidence to think 'what if I swap that
opener and try that transition afterwards? That would be fun
Lets try that! I'd love to see her reaction!
That is a great and positive mindset and straightforward attitude towards
the whole situation and how to diffuse any negative shit coming into your space.
Now...ONWARD to the practical shit that you can use right now
Right, so, alot of newbies getting into the community as such decide
to try and use the lines and routines from the book 'The Game'.
There are a few problems I have with the book and how its
content is set to help new guys. First off, the style of
game in the book is HIGHLY over-used and over done
today, all the more reason not to do it at all. Too many girls
have heard that "Who lies more, men or women?" routine...
frankly, it should not be used anywhere, atleast not by
the newbies I think.
Why? 3 reasons:
(1) Considering how many people actually used all
the same routines and recycled shit from the book when
it came out and are still using it today, despite its success,
it's become an opener that passed around like a prostitute
or the local village bicycle...You know that phrase? "That girls
like the village bicycle, everyones had a ride with her!"
That's how stagnant the routines have become from this
particular style of game. No one shifts or changes up the
opener...its all done the same way, and when a girl has
heard that opener (or even similar openers like it from
the book) she is bound to tell you to fuck off cause
you're the 20th guy, today, to ask her who lies
more!
(2) inDirect (the style of game from Mystery Method and Style) to me
is a very, pretentious and beating around the bush style of game, it kind
of dapples in varying in routines which are long and subject to
qualifications which need to be done and hooked correctly in
order to work. Also, the style of inDirect is also over-used
too much and the problem with this style of game is that
you are generally implying to the girl you are hitting
on her. Here's an example:
You're at the club for example and you see the target, you walk up
to her after being ballsy with the approach and you say "Whats you're
opinion on my fingernails?" Your target is then in a state of
curious and begins to mostly ponder "He came all the way
over here to get my opinion on his figernails? He must
be hitting on me."
(3) Girls can tell when you're bullshitting em. You have to be
really confident in yourself and your delivery for the opener
to work effectively . Also, inDirect game is not known to
work well as daygame. Although the girls are caught
off-guard in the day (not expecting to picked up in
the day), inDirect does not to any justice for
day time practice or pickup. SO, you cant
practice in the day, you lose over 8 hours
of potential education and conditioning...
that is ALOT of time wasted which can be
invested in investing in yourself.
That is why my furry little friends, you need to go DIRECT.
Going direct is telling your target, right from the get-go how
you feel about her. No messing about...no silly routines...no
opinions or questionarres...just raw interest in the girl
and the main reason as to why you're approaching
her in the first place!
By going direct you're laying all your cards on the table
and you're also giving off a real genuine vibe about
yourself and you're coming off across. If you can
convey a genuine interest right then, that's
already an IOI (Indicator of Interest).
Did I mention it incredibly shows
just how confident you are just
be walking up to her and telling
her "Hey, you're really hot and I had
to come meet you!" OR "Hey, I really
like your style, I had to come and say Hi!"
Does that not seem more genuine and open
then trying to hide behind a pretentious opener
by asking her opinion on something? You don't care
who lies more, SHE doesn't care who lies more...it's rubbish.
Yes, it was great to use a couple years ago and was great
in 2008, but is's been over 5 years now and it's time move
on from the old and into the new.
Don't use inDirect when first starting out! Go direct instead!
And that's exactly what I'm going to show you how to do
right now.
(LAST PART!)
_______Practical________
How do you direct? It's very simple and often it gives you
the best and genuine responses right there...what is better
than having a girl respond in the best way possible from
a compliment? We'll see how.
First thing you want to know is that, just because you
compliment a girl doesn't mean you want to pick her up
or even like her at this stage...you're just testing the
waters to see what exactly she's like and your investing
in her at the same time.
This can be done by doing the following:
SCENARIO
You walk into the mall and you immediately see the target infront of your
line of sight. Once you see her and you find her attractive, you quickly
select one particular aspect you like about her.
Is it her hair?
Her body (figure)?
Her style of fashion (boots, dress)?
Say you she has a great sense of fashion for example, you run right up to her
and follow this exactly and afterwards we'll do an analysis and breakdown
of the opener:
Me: "Hi, sorry to bother you, I'm off to go meet some friends in a minute...but
I just had to come over and tell you I really like your style!"
Her: "Thank you
I love this outfit. " Me: "No problem. Your actually really friendly...I don't often meet girls
who are well dressed and friendly what are the odds? "
Her: "Thank you thats really nice
" Me: "Cool, well I've got go now, nice meeting you!"
And leave. Thats it.
That whole interaction last probably no more than 10 seconds, and that 10 seconds
is all you need to boost your confidence
No fake routines, no bullshit...Be honest with yourself now, which routine felt better? The inDirect one or the Direct?
Let's move onto the last part of this long ass post, Analysis.
I'll just get right into what you're conveying when going direct.
"Hi, sorry to bother you" (Remember, it's ok to say "sorry" when opening, its more
respectable and just conveys the intention you had to come over and show no
harm in anyway. Of course you dont, but its jut a general politeness and ethic. You
don't want to just say "I LIKE YOUR OUTFIT", you're more likely to scare her and
even creep her out. By throwing in the apology first, you're conveying the
you're friendly and don't mean harm.
I'm off to go meet some friends in a minute... (This is your
time constraint. You can use this to show your target that you
have somewhere else to be and you can only stay for a certain
amount of time before leaving. You don't want to just stay
in the space for too long, if you do, she'll begin wondering
when she can also go or when you are going to leave too.
Over-staying you're welcome lowers you own value. They
also have a place to be, so make sure you throw in a
little TC to let her know that you're not intending
on staying long, you just want to tell her something,
then leave. That's all it does.
I just had to come over and tell you I really like your style!"
This is the most important part which you need to say confidently, with
intent and most of, with a smile. If you say "I REALLY LIKE YOUR
CLOTHES. O__O" She'll think "O.....k....?" Don't be stonefaced
about it, be relaxed and happy to give her this
compliment...and REALLY mean it!
"I REALLY like your style
""Your actually really friendly...
Another compliment, you're now telling her that
she's a nice person to talk to.
I don't often meet girls who are well dressed and friendly what are the odds?"
Self explanatory
"Cool, well I've got go now, nice meeting you!"
Thanks for interaction,nice meeting...and until we meet again
NOW how much better is that guys??? Doesn't that just seem much
more awesome? HELL YES!
Now, if you do that routine as often as you can on
10 girls, you will RADICALLY get rid of your AA
faster then you thought.
It's one of the simplest things you can do, and it's really
effective too. The main thing you can take away from
this is that: If you approach a girl with good intent,
be genuine and convey friendlyness...they will be
VERY open to have a chat and spare a few
minutes to talk to you
It's...that...simple.
How do you put this into practice? Go out during the day (don't do this in
clubs or bars, this is specifically made for the day) and focus on
improving your confidence with this simple routine.
I guarentee you...if you do this a few times a week on
a regular basis...you'll thank me for it.
Thank you so much for reading THE LONGEST post on this place...
and all the best... I hope I help you guys in some way.
Post your success here or any questions too.
- Chai
"