How to ask a girl out - everything you need to know



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2015 6:45 am 
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A few years ago I wrote a post on approaching and opening, that people really liked. I want to write a post in the same style about closing and going on dates.

The original post: http://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtop ... 1&t=132079

WHERE:

Here is what I've found to be easiest to hardest, in terms of getting a girl's number:

A) When she is by herself, with no friends around

B) At a party or group activity

C) With her friends around who you don't know

D) With her relatives around who you don't know

E) While she is at work where you don't come often

WHEN:

There are basically two types of situations. One, you know you'll run into the girl multiple times (e.g. you are both in school or work together). Another is that you'll probably never see this girl again.

1) In the first situation, *do not get her contact info the first few times*. Simply keep building a good dynamic. (I will write a post about middle-game in the future.) The goal is to get to a point where both of you are usually doing something fun *together*, whether verbal or physical or both. During these points, you have your fun and then move on, you'll see her again. The *dynamic* is what sets up her expectation of what it's like to interact with you. It shouldn't always be the same, but you should be fun for her to interact with. Steer clear of any things that could possibly make her put you in a category with creeps or weirdos. Then, when you know what she likes / dislikes, or some activity comes up which you want to invite her to, that is when you get her number. In the meantime, if you want, after a few interactions, you can add her on facebook (as long as it's not for work) without really asking her if you can do it.

2) In the second situation, you will need her to give you the contact info or you may never see her again. Because this is much more of an abrupt situation, you will want to maximize your chances that she will give you her number. You don't know if she has a boyfriend, or something else. If you friend her on facebook, you will get a lot more information about her (including her relationship status and might even find out if she becomes single in the future).

DAY 2:

This depends on the when.

1) This is if you're seeing the girl often. Ideally you should invite this girl out to an event where you will be able to drive her home or walk her home at the end. It can be a party, a 2 on 2 hangout, some kind of event or activity, etc. It will start out social but you want to connect with her 1 on 1, especially at the end. There has to be a point where the two of you are alone, to plant the idea in her head that she wants to be alone with you again. If it is a 2 on 2 hangout, that may mean you'll have to drive her friend home, and then her -- which in turn means you should pick her up first, then her friend.

2) This is if you're probably never going to see the girl again. A lot here depends on the dynamic going in, and *how* you ask for the number. I'm assuming you want to maximize your chance of getting her to give you the number and also respond later. That's why I am going to tell you the ways to minimize chances of rejection or "flaking", in the next few sections.

REASON

First of all you should have several things in mind that you could invite her to. For example you ask if she's moved to the city recently, and she says yes. You ask her when was the last time she went ice skating? If her response shows she likes ice skating, you simply ask her number with a reason: "next time I'm going ice skating I'll invite you." The way you word it should imply that she still has flexibility later. That way, giving you the number is simply providing a way for you to invite her somewhere.

There have been some great studies done on the psychology of persuasion:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/thai-nguy ... 65392.html

BOYFRIEND

Keep in mind that the woman might be seeing someone, or in a serious relationship! Even though you may have had a great time flirting, she may rightly consider it disrespectful to her significant other to just be giving out her number like that to someone who said he wants to take her on a date. In fact, most women wouldn't give you their number in that case. Unless you know for sure she doesn't have a boyfriend, you should not ask her to give you her number!

INTERSTITIAL QUESTIONS

How can you figure out if she has a boyfriend? I told you in the previous post, under QUESTIONS part D. I will reproduce it here:

D) personal questions such as "are you guys dating" or "do you have a boyfriend" are best asked when they are focusing on something else. For instance, if she says "would you buy me a drink" you can respond, "wouldn't your boyfriend mind?" That will get her to reveal personal things to you and open the possibility for escalation, without having to put her on the spot.

Similarly, if she is on the phone, you should tell her "can I ask you something, or is it important?" And then in an offhand way ask, "is that your boyfriend on the phone?" But it must be phrased as an "interstitial" question, i.e. a question which is incidental to what you REALLY want to talk about next.

Before making a move, it's very good to test how she would react to the idea of you asking her out. Another way you is you could say something like, "I know this isn't the most romantic place to meet someone", and and see her reaction. Once again, this is an "interstitial comment" ... be ready to handle both a positive and negative reaction. If you sense she's ok with you asking her out, great. If not, talk about a time when you asked someone out in a similar place, and steer clear of "asking her out" formally.

TRADING EXPERIENCES

You can ask if she's been in the city / neighborhood a long time.
Now, you ask her if she's done this / seen that. If she seems interested, talk about that activity, what you recommend. If she is not interested, ask her what she typically does for fun, and hit upon an activity that she enjoys.
When you sense that she enjoys a type of activity, you're ready to EXCHANGE CONTACT DETAILS.

SUMMARY SO FAR:

You have to get her to participate TOGETHER with you in something (e.g. a conversation). Bonus points if you find some commonalities -- common people you know, common places you've been to, common TV shows, movies, bands, you've seen, whatever is relevant.

You have to get her to tell you that she likes a certain activity, such as drinking wine or going to the beach. Whether or not she does it often, the point is she enjoys it!

You should trade experiences related to the activity, to underscore that you both in fact HAVE experience with this activity, and enjoy it, and you're not just bullshitting. Or, bonus points if your friends also are into this activity. Surely you want to have some interests in common before asking her out!

MINDSET:

Appreciate her as a person. See her as she would like others to see her.

Also assume she is appreciating you. And since both of you appreciate each other, that's why you want her to give you the ABILITY to invite her out later, to do that activity you both like.

Be confident and assume that it's obviously normal to do it.

ASKING FOR HER FACEBOOK

If you aren't sure if she has a boyfriend, ask her "you got a facebook?" "Do you mind if I add you on facebook?" Once again, say it as if you're about to state the reason, but first you expect her naturally to say yes. This is a very powerful persuasion technique which I like to call PATTERNS. It uses the fact that people will automatically want to give you yeses as long as they are easy and they feel they're expected to do it in order for you to finish your thought.

Facebook signals you want to be friends. Don't worry, you will always be able to transition it later into something more intimate once you know more about her. For now, you want to simply maximize the chances of actually being able to invite her out later.

Of course, you should still have your reason for hanging out, such as "I will invite you out next time we are doing [ insert thing she said she likes but hasn't done in a while ]". Then hand her your phone opened to facebook search, so she can find herself on facebook. If she can't, tell her "actually, add me on facebook" and take your phone back.

After she agrees to give you her facebook, you verbalize the reason, a reason which (I am reiterating) gives her flexibility later, and is something she said she likes.

If you are sure she doesn't have a boyfriend, you may still want to ask for her facebook, e.g. if her friends are around or if she is at work. That is, unless you can slip her a note.

SLIPPING HER A NOTE

This rarely works, but can be done when there are too many people around for you to openly ask her for personal contact info. Ask her to borrow a pen. Then write this, and hand it back to her saying "here is your pen back". If you do write something, make sure to have instructions for her to turn over the paper and have a multiple-choice with checkboxes at the end, something like this:

So, do you mind if I text you after work?
[ ] Yeah, I mind. No questions asked.
[ ] OK sure. My number is ( ) -
and I should be free at ______.

If you have drawing skills, you can draw her as you see her.

Make sure she gives the note back to you! Do NOT leave her with YOUR number and wait for her call. In my experience this almost never results in a phonecall.

WORDING FOR TAKING HER NUMBER:

Unless you are sure she wants to give you her number, don't say "number". That can trigger the idea in her head that you're like every other guy who's after her digits. Say something like "Let's do this the old fashioned way." Take out your phone, DO NOT GIVE IT TO HER, instead say "call my phone". Once again, you are supposed to say this in a way that shows you expect her to call you so you can continue. This also avoids her putting a fake number into your phone.

YOU ARE NOT DONE YET, SPARKY!

Now is the time to verbalize COMMITMENTS to what you're going to do. Ask her what's usually the best time to call, and have her tell you. (If she can be called at that time, you can also text her at that time.) Similarly ask her how often does she check messages on facebook. It is much better to give her a lot of freedom to choose now, so that later she will respect her own choice.

Remember her name at this point! It's offensive to a girl when she gave you her number and you don't even remember her name. (A trick to reminding yourself someone's name at a party without offending them is to introduce your friend to them, say your friend's name, and then shut up and have them say their name again to the friend.)

Also you should help her to save your number in HER phone. Say her name out loud and ask her to spell it. Take her phone and tell her you're going to spell your name. Ask her with help to save your number. You can give yourself some super cool nickname later for her to associate fun things with your encounter. You can even have her photograph you so she remembers what you look like.

FOLLOWING UP:

Do not repeat your name since obviously it's in her phone! Here are some things you can say:

The next day:
"Hey, it was fun meeting you last night! What time did you guys get home?"
"Hey, it was cool meeting you yesterday! Did you wind up finishing that paper?"

Text back and forth for a day or two
Then say "I'm freeing up around 7, can I call you?"

THE PHONECALL

When you call, tell her what you were just doing. Then ask what she was doing. That way you both are connected.

Then ask her how her day was. Give a shit!

Afterwards, tell her you've already had an interesting week. (You will probably be calling her in the middle of the week.)

Then ask if she's doing anything exciting for the rest of the week. Ask about Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun, one day at a time, and listen. There will usually be a day she says nothing much is going on. That's when you can bring up that activity you wanted to do. Maybe you found a good groupon, or concert, or want to get brunch on sunday, etc.

If she keeps telling you every day is busy, you can tease her a bit. "Wow, you're so popular! When do you have time to do [that activity]? I can see why you haven't done it in a long time."

But back off. Don't push for a date. Just like with a kiss, it shows that you went for it but are cool with moving slowly, because you prefer to keep a good vibe than look desperate. She will appreciate this.

THINGS TO TEXT

I'm sure this has been covered a lot. Here are a few nice things to text to get a girl out:

Want to get some drinks after work this week? I know a good spot.
You pick the time, I choose the place.
What do you like more, red wine or white wine?

DATE

If she does not have a boyfriend, you'll want to make it clear that you are on a date. You don't want to get stuck in the friend zone with this girl if you really like her.

If she has a boyfriend, you do not ask her out on a date! Don't be the guy who tries to muscle his way into a relationship and break people up. Instead, be friends with this girl. Date other people. If she and her boyfriend get married, great. If they break up, you'll know -- after all, don't you have her facebook?

By that time you'll be a known quantity in her mind. And if you both wish, you can start dating.

There is nothing wrong with being friends with many attractive girls!

More than that, if you're a great guy, they can introduce you to their friends.


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