Mastermind's guide to going out alone.
Firstly, this is not about getting laid; it is about growing comfortable in a social setting generally. There is a lot of material on picking up, but I've noticed a poverty of material helping guys in building confidence in going out on their own and enjoying themselves when they walk into a venue alone. I'm here to contribute what I've discovered in the hope of make the process easier for new guys than it was for me.
Here is where I'm coming from. About a year ago I started going out alone as a cognitive behavioural therapy for social anxiety. Let's be clear, on my worst day I didn't drink water because I knew I would have to leave my bedroom to use the toilet. You're anxious? I get it. Since then I've gone out hundreds of times on my own, mostly because I didn't know most people never did that. I had spent years alone... Then I went out, and went out, and went out.
To follow is my basic method for a night out, how I think about "lone wolfing", and encouraging myself to have the most freedom and fun in an environment in which I was once prone to having panic attacks and running to the washroom. Gentlemen, it may seem daunting, but it will become easier and funner and eventually natural and effortless. This is bar bossing 101. If you aren't calm and at home in a bar, then don't focus on seduction just now because it will only distract you, put pressure on you, and hamper your ability to enjoy the overall experience that is flying solo.
Going out alone has many advantages: you can come and go as you choose, pick where you go and who you talk to, you don't have to worry what your friends are up to, and many more. But all this freedom only matters if you are calm and relaxed enough to exercise it. Here is a basic process and some advice to help you get used to and eventually be excited to go out by your lonesome.
The focus here is on a regular slowish night you might encounter most nights in most places.
Step one: the entrance
Be sure to say hello to anyone standing out front. You'll see them inside later, so open them now. No need to stay and chat if you aren't feeling it. When you walk in, don't look around to see who is looking at you. It looks self conscious. Smile. Hear the music and let it's mood sink in. The people are just a part of the environment, and you part of theirs. Don't look at people, but don't look away. Just get a sense of what's up in the place and head to the bar. Ideally, pick a place near a server station and near another person by themselves. Look at your neighbour and smile as you sit. If they look, open. "Hi there" works good. If they respond and look away, or ignore you, no big deal, you have some settling in to do.
Step 2: settling in
Once in place it's time to settle in and relax. If you've already struck it up with your neighbour, then yack. But keep it light and don't invest in it. Right now your only job is the active pursuit of boredom. Note that. Boredom is an advanced state of relaxation. Not to be confused with being lonely, boredom is the polar opposite of social anxiety and is exactly the state of mind you'll need. Just say hi to staff and passers by. Put nothing into it unless someone actively engages you. You will only actively seek company when you have managed to bore yourself half to death. How long that takes is personal to you and it will become shorter as you go out more times. Basically, this process is a meditation which draws you to your present situation, and if you are watching soundless infomercials and fucking around trying to spin coasters on the bar top you should be bored. Stay off your phone. Don't look around and if you do want to, look past and through people as though they are furniture. You will be looking for eyeballs later, but only after you can't bear how uninteresting you find your present situation. Have a beer, relax, and only start looking for people to talk to when you want to. Remember, if you are new to this, it may be very hard to get bored around all the noise and people. You are under no obligation to speak at all, so don't think you have to. But still try to at least say hello to as many people as you can. There is no pressure in it and it is a habit you want to encourage. If this is as far as you get at first, then shake the bartender's hand, tip well and head home having done something new and that is hard for most people.
Step 3: chatter boxing
I'll go into opening individuals and groups later, but here I want to introduce you to the concept of "bar talk", something you will be using all night, every night. Basically it's talking out loud to yourself, making observations, jokes, comments not meant for anyone in particular but heard by anyone within earshot. If they have their ears on you then they will assume you are talking to them without looking at them. Comment on what's on the TVs for example: "this is a stupid fuck'n movie", "they still sell those", "I love/hate this sport it team", etc. doesn't matter. It gets your gum flapping and makes it so people have already heard your voice. Also announces the fact you are bored and talkative. Be loud. Talk deeply. And most importantly don't give a shit if people care what you are saying. You are talking to yourself for self amusement, not theirs, and that should be clear by the fact that you are talking shit to anyone who cares to listen but not looking around for a reaction. You are talking to the walls basically, so no pressure to be witty unless it makes you laugh.
As for actually conversing with people, there are a number of routes. The first is obviously your neighbours. Say hi and see what they are up to, if they come often and so on. You might have landed next to a regular, in which case it should be easy to get them to talk your ear off because they are likely bored already too. Secondly, you have the staff. Talk to servers as they come and go, the bartender. Busy night? How long you work here, again, it's small talk and if you really give a shit, go back to spinning coasters for a bit. Now, if you don't go out much you will likely think a server or two seem to really like you. That's their job, and even if they really do, server game is not for a guy who needs to read this guide. While the girl may not be out of your league ultimately, picking up HB servers on shift is far beyond the scope of this document. If you don't feel at home in a bar yet, just be friendly and don't waste your time just yet, if you ask me.
If you are sitting there truly without anyone around, look down the bar for another loner, raise your glass to them, and if they raise theirs back get up and relocate to talk to them. As a rule, people don't sit at a bar to not talk to anyone. It is just that most other loners don't know how to be social either. Help them out. Try, "you flying solo too?" Or if you see them chatting the staff use the observational open of "looks like you've been here before! Lol".
Just talk a lot. Don't do any pickup shit or game, just chill out and talk to whomever is around. Stay at the bar, stand, sit, dance in place a little, just have fun being out and meeting people. Even if it's just one or two lonely dudes and a server who charmed you out of a polite habit. Your only mission is to grow more comfortable amongst strangers and maybe make some drinking buddies for the night.
Then there are orbiters... This is where it gets scary. If you are doing things right, then you look to the rest of the bar like a cool, relaxed, social guy just hanging out and talking shit with people at the bar. And that is how you are, so it should look this way. Might take a few times out, but soon this will be normal and natural for you, and looking like that will draw people (girls in particular) up to the bar next to you. Here they stand waiting to be opened because you look interesting. Open them, game on.
Step 4: scanning the room
This has two purposes. The first is to look for eyeballs and see if there are any tables to approach. The second is to give subtle nonverbal invites to people so they show up next to you at the bar as mentioned above.
There are 3 main types if glances. Type one, and your main one, is just looking around because you are bored and just seeing what is going on. Type two is when you do a type one, see a girl looking and turn back for momentary eye contact. Type three is sustained eye contact.
If you type three with a girl, smile, wave and if she waves back get up and go there. If she doesn't smile and wave then she is not comfortable being approached. Maybe she is shy, or with her boyfriend, whatever. Don't sweat it. The girls you get types two or three with are the ones you've invited to orbit you, and it's usually in the form of some bullshit excuse to talk to the bartender. But who cares why they are there, open. Game on.
Step 5: free style
This is the stage you are ultimately shooting for. Eventually the bored/relaxed stage will take about a second because you have gone out enough that the environment itself is no longer stressful. You can open and chat with any of your bar mates early on and without much stress. You bar talk out if habit. You recognize hoverers and have done lots of practice scanning the room and know a good chance to leave the bar when you see one. You now just go out alone because it is better than going out with friends, as I think it is.
So there. Some inspiration and insight into how I've found success at socializing freely and comfortably. I hope it helps make your learning process shorter and simpler than mine. I'll conclude with some basic tips and hopeful some other seasoned lone wolves will have some more tips to add.
Tips and tricks:
Learn meditation. Do it during your settling in phase and use it to "check in" with yourself throughout the night.
Research alpha male body language and practice it. The more space you take, the freer you move, the louder you talk and the less you censor yourself, or generally give a shit, the better.
Don't get to drunk. You won't learn and the dependency on drink will hamper you.
Resist the urge to be too regular at one place or another and think you are cool because you know all the staff. Be friendly, but not too familiar. They may be great people, but they are "the help" and you are seeing their game faces. It is also important to remember that while they look super-chill, most guys who work in bars are really chodey AFCs that will fuck up your shit if they get too comfortable with you. This is most likely to happen if you chat up off shift servers and they want to "protect them".
Don't lurk around and so be the last to leave.
If you go out a lot you will likely blunder. Just remember, it is handling this stuff is what will toughen you up. And if you REALLY shit the bed, just don't go back for a while.
Smile. Lots. And if you make eye contact with a girl, smile instantly. If you stare and don't smile at all it can be creepy. But when girls stare and are too nervous to smile no one calls that creepy, but you'll see it a lot.
Peace.
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