Mastermind's Guide to Going Out Alone



Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 25 guests
Post new topic Reply to topic   Board index » Inner Game » Social Shyness & Anxiety




Author Message
PostPosted: Fri Aug 15, 2014 5:35 am 
Offline
MPUA Forum Zealot

Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2014 12:07 am
Posts: 496
Mastermind's guide to going out alone.

Firstly, this is not about getting laid; it is about growing comfortable in a social setting generally. There is a lot of material on picking up, but I've noticed a poverty of material helping guys in building confidence in going out on their own and enjoying themselves when they walk into a venue alone. I'm here to contribute what I've discovered in the hope of make the process easier for new guys than it was for me.

Here is where I'm coming from. About a year ago I started going out alone as a cognitive behavioural therapy for social anxiety. Let's be clear, on my worst day I didn't drink water because I knew I would have to leave my bedroom to use the toilet. You're anxious? I get it. Since then I've gone out hundreds of times on my own, mostly because I didn't know most people never did that. I had spent years alone... Then I went out, and went out, and went out.

To follow is my basic method for a night out, how I think about "lone wolfing", and encouraging myself to have the most freedom and fun in an environment in which I was once prone to having panic attacks and running to the washroom. Gentlemen, it may seem daunting, but it will become easier and funner and eventually natural and effortless. This is bar bossing 101. If you aren't calm and at home in a bar, then don't focus on seduction just now because it will only distract you, put pressure on you, and hamper your ability to enjoy the overall experience that is flying solo.

Going out alone has many advantages: you can come and go as you choose, pick where you go and who you talk to, you don't have to worry what your friends are up to, and many more. But all this freedom only matters if you are calm and relaxed enough to exercise it. Here is a basic process and some advice to help you get used to and eventually be excited to go out by your lonesome.

The focus here is on a regular slowish night you might encounter most nights in most places.

Step one: the entrance
Be sure to say hello to anyone standing out front. You'll see them inside later, so open them now. No need to stay and chat if you aren't feeling it. When you walk in, don't look around to see who is looking at you. It looks self conscious. Smile. Hear the music and let it's mood sink in. The people are just a part of the environment, and you part of theirs. Don't look at people, but don't look away. Just get a sense of what's up in the place and head to the bar. Ideally, pick a place near a server station and near another person by themselves. Look at your neighbour and smile as you sit. If they look, open. "Hi there" works good. If they respond and look away, or ignore you, no big deal, you have some settling in to do.

Step 2: settling in
Once in place it's time to settle in and relax. If you've already struck it up with your neighbour, then yack. But keep it light and don't invest in it. Right now your only job is the active pursuit of boredom. Note that. Boredom is an advanced state of relaxation. Not to be confused with being lonely, boredom is the polar opposite of social anxiety and is exactly the state of mind you'll need. Just say hi to staff and passers by. Put nothing into it unless someone actively engages you. You will only actively seek company when you have managed to bore yourself half to death. How long that takes is personal to you and it will become shorter as you go out more times. Basically, this process is a meditation which draws you to your present situation, and if you are watching soundless infomercials and fucking around trying to spin coasters on the bar top you should be bored. Stay off your phone. Don't look around and if you do want to, look past and through people as though they are furniture. You will be looking for eyeballs later, but only after you can't bear how uninteresting you find your present situation. Have a beer, relax, and only start looking for people to talk to when you want to. Remember, if you are new to this, it may be very hard to get bored around all the noise and people. You are under no obligation to speak at all, so don't think you have to. But still try to at least say hello to as many people as you can. There is no pressure in it and it is a habit you want to encourage. If this is as far as you get at first, then shake the bartender's hand, tip well and head home having done something new and that is hard for most people.

Step 3: chatter boxing

I'll go into opening individuals and groups later, but here I want to introduce you to the concept of "bar talk", something you will be using all night, every night. Basically it's talking out loud to yourself, making observations, jokes, comments not meant for anyone in particular but heard by anyone within earshot. If they have their ears on you then they will assume you are talking to them without looking at them. Comment on what's on the TVs for example: "this is a stupid fuck'n movie", "they still sell those", "I love/hate this sport it team", etc. doesn't matter. It gets your gum flapping and makes it so people have already heard your voice. Also announces the fact you are bored and talkative. Be loud. Talk deeply. And most importantly don't give a shit if people care what you are saying. You are talking to yourself for self amusement, not theirs, and that should be clear by the fact that you are talking shit to anyone who cares to listen but not looking around for a reaction. You are talking to the walls basically, so no pressure to be witty unless it makes you laugh.

As for actually conversing with people, there are a number of routes. The first is obviously your neighbours. Say hi and see what they are up to, if they come often and so on. You might have landed next to a regular, in which case it should be easy to get them to talk your ear off because they are likely bored already too. Secondly, you have the staff. Talk to servers as they come and go, the bartender. Busy night? How long you work here, again, it's small talk and if you really give a shit, go back to spinning coasters for a bit. Now, if you don't go out much you will likely think a server or two seem to really like you. That's their job, and even if they really do, server game is not for a guy who needs to read this guide. While the girl may not be out of your league ultimately, picking up HB servers on shift is far beyond the scope of this document. If you don't feel at home in a bar yet, just be friendly and don't waste your time just yet, if you ask me.

If you are sitting there truly without anyone around, look down the bar for another loner, raise your glass to them, and if they raise theirs back get up and relocate to talk to them. As a rule, people don't sit at a bar to not talk to anyone. It is just that most other loners don't know how to be social either. Help them out. Try, "you flying solo too?" Or if you see them chatting the staff use the observational open of "looks like you've been here before! Lol".

Just talk a lot. Don't do any pickup shit or game, just chill out and talk to whomever is around. Stay at the bar, stand, sit, dance in place a little, just have fun being out and meeting people. Even if it's just one or two lonely dudes and a server who charmed you out of a polite habit. Your only mission is to grow more comfortable amongst strangers and maybe make some drinking buddies for the night.

Then there are orbiters... This is where it gets scary. If you are doing things right, then you look to the rest of the bar like a cool, relaxed, social guy just hanging out and talking shit with people at the bar. And that is how you are, so it should look this way. Might take a few times out, but soon this will be normal and natural for you, and looking like that will draw people (girls in particular) up to the bar next to you. Here they stand waiting to be opened because you look interesting. Open them, game on.

Step 4: scanning the room

This has two purposes. The first is to look for eyeballs and see if there are any tables to approach. The second is to give subtle nonverbal invites to people so they show up next to you at the bar as mentioned above.

There are 3 main types if glances. Type one, and your main one, is just looking around because you are bored and just seeing what is going on. Type two is when you do a type one, see a girl looking and turn back for momentary eye contact. Type three is sustained eye contact.

If you type three with a girl, smile, wave and if she waves back get up and go there. If she doesn't smile and wave then she is not comfortable being approached. Maybe she is shy, or with her boyfriend, whatever. Don't sweat it. The girls you get types two or three with are the ones you've invited to orbit you, and it's usually in the form of some bullshit excuse to talk to the bartender. But who cares why they are there, open. Game on.

Step 5: free style

This is the stage you are ultimately shooting for. Eventually the bored/relaxed stage will take about a second because you have gone out enough that the environment itself is no longer stressful. You can open and chat with any of your bar mates early on and without much stress. You bar talk out if habit. You recognize hoverers and have done lots of practice scanning the room and know a good chance to leave the bar when you see one. You now just go out alone because it is better than going out with friends, as I think it is.

So there. Some inspiration and insight into how I've found success at socializing freely and comfortably. I hope it helps make your learning process shorter and simpler than mine. I'll conclude with some basic tips and hopeful some other seasoned lone wolves will have some more tips to add.

Tips and tricks:

Learn meditation. Do it during your settling in phase and use it to "check in" with yourself throughout the night.

Research alpha male body language and practice it. The more space you take, the freer you move, the louder you talk and the less you censor yourself, or generally give a shit, the better.

Don't get to drunk. You won't learn and the dependency on drink will hamper you.

Resist the urge to be too regular at one place or another and think you are cool because you know all the staff. Be friendly, but not too familiar. They may be great people, but they are "the help" and you are seeing their game faces. It is also important to remember that while they look super-chill, most guys who work in bars are really chodey AFCs that will fuck up your shit if they get too comfortable with you. This is most likely to happen if you chat up off shift servers and they want to "protect them".

Don't lurk around and so be the last to leave.

If you go out a lot you will likely blunder. Just remember, it is handling this stuff is what will toughen you up. And if you REALLY shit the bed, just don't go back for a while.

Smile. Lots. And if you make eye contact with a girl, smile instantly. If you stare and don't smile at all it can be creepy. But when girls stare and are too nervous to smile no one calls that creepy, but you'll see it a lot.


Peace.


Top
   
PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2014 9:40 pm 
Offline
MPUA Forum Addict

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 12:08 am
Posts: 227
Location: US
Great post-


Top
   
PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2015 11:47 pm 
Offline
New to MPUA Forum

Joined: Tue Jan 20, 2015 6:30 pm
Posts: 13
Good post man. Any tips on clubbing solo?


Top
   
PostPosted: Fri Jan 23, 2015 6:20 am 
Offline
New to MPUA Forum

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2014 6:12 pm
Posts: 15
Awesome post. When I first started gaming I didn't have anyone to game with so I had to go through this process as well. I kinda just figured out "lone wolfing" on my own like the OP. My experience was very very similar, I wanted to add a few pointers.

Other guys at the bar are a huge asset especially if they are alone, you can make an instant wing, and you will be their hero just for talking to them so they don't feel like a lone AFC. My go to line was always "man how has the action been here tonight, any hottie's??" Great ice breaker, they are there to meet chicks and 99 times out of 100 you will make a buddy for the night to chill with. You are no longer the guy alone. This general situation also applies with small groups of 2-3 dudes.

At the height of my "lone wolfing" I had developed a general way that I carried myself. I got so used to it it was the norm and didn't even have to think about it. I would walk in to a bar and put my mind state as if I owned the place. I didn't actually act like I owned the place but just had the same manurisms as if I did. I would walk through the front door, shaking the bouncers hand smiling asking him "how's it going tonight?" As soon as I got through the door I'd spot what seat I wanted and as I'm going to the seat, I walk with my chest up smiling and saying hi to random strangers just shaking hands and patting backs, saying stuff like "uh oh, looks like someone is having too much fun tonight!!!" Or "looks like the party is over here!!!" If I saw some guy by himself at a table I would go over and talk him up and try and cheer him up or get him having fun, and laughing. Then I would just chill in my chair like I was lounging on the couch, legs and arms all spread out like I was perfectly comfortable. To anyone in the bar, I looked like I knew half the people in the bar, but in reality I didn't know anyone. Most importantly to any girls that were watching, I looked like a cool, confident fun guy that looked like he might actually own this joint or something, or at least is so well known half the bar knows him.

Last pointer is people are at a bar to generally be social, no one goes to the bar to pay $5 dollars a drink to sit and stare at the wall. They are there to meet people and 9 out of 10 people are just too shy or uncomfortable to talk to people and need someone like you to rescue them from their insecurities and help them have fun.


Top
   
PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2015 5:00 am 
Offline
PUA Forum Leader
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2013 9:50 pm
Posts: 2864
Quote:
Awesome post. When I first started gaming I didn't have anyone to game with so I had to go through this process as well. I kinda just figured out "lone wolfing" on my own like the OP. My experience was very very similar, I wanted to add a few pointers.

Other guys at the bar are a huge asset especially if they are alone, you can make an instant wing, and you will be their hero just for talking to them so they don't feel like a lone AFC. My go to line was always "man how has the action been here tonight, any hottie's??" Great ice breaker, they are there to meet chicks and 99 times out of 100 you will make a buddy for the night to chill with. You are no longer the guy alone. This general situation also applies with small groups of 2-3 dudes.

At the height of my "lone wolfing" I had developed a general way that I carried myself. I got so used to it it was the norm and didn't even have to think about it. I would walk in to a bar and put my mind state as if I owned the place. I didn't actually act like I owned the place but just had the same manurisms as if I did. I would walk through the front door, shaking the bouncers hand smiling asking him "how's it going tonight?" As soon as I got through the door I'd spot what seat I wanted and as I'm going to the seat, I walk with my chest up smiling and saying hi to random strangers just shaking hands and patting backs, saying stuff like "uh oh, looks like someone is having too much fun tonight!!!" Or "looks like the party is over here!!!" If I saw some guy by himself at a table I would go over and talk him up and try and cheer him up or get him having fun, and laughing. Then I would just chill in my chair like I was lounging on the couch, legs and arms all spread out like I was perfectly comfortable. To anyone in the bar, I looked like I knew half the people in the bar, but in reality I didn't know anyone. Most importantly to any girls that were watching, I looked like a cool, confident fun guy that looked like he might actually own this joint or something, or at least is so well known half the bar knows him.

Last pointer is people are at a bar to generally be social, no one goes to the bar to pay $5 dollars a drink to sit and stare at the wall. They are there to meet people and 9 out of 10 people are just too shy or uncomfortable to talk to people and need someone like you to rescue them from their insecurities and help them have fun.
Great stuff man, and by the OP.

Imo feeling good about yourself & the future, and exuding a comfortable-in-your-own-skin confidence is so key.


Top
   
PostPosted: Wed Jan 28, 2015 8:22 pm 
Offline
MPUA Forum Enthusiast

Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2015 3:17 pm
Posts: 30
I'm not sure whether going it alone comes across as (a) being desperate, (b) creepy or (c) having some balls!


Top
   
PostPosted: Wed Jan 28, 2015 9:51 pm 
Offline
New to MPUA Forum

Joined: Wed Jan 28, 2015 8:56 pm
Posts: 6
Respect for breaking out of that anxiety pal.

I went on vacation alone once and it wasn't really a lively place so boredom is not a thing for me. I just feel I need a reason to be in whatever spot alone e.g sports on the TV or the beer, which will become a comforter, just having the glass to swig at so I appear to actually be there for a reason.

Then if there's no natural verbal interaction with staff/customers I've got no real inclination to start it with guys. Maybe there's a perfect type of location with a good number of females without crashing a pre-natal class.

Mod edit - deleted your double post


Top
   
PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2015 8:23 am 
Offline
PUA Forum Leader
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2013 9:50 pm
Posts: 2864
Quote:
I'm not sure whether going it alone comes across as (a) being desperate, (b) creepy or (c) having some balls!
Whatever you think, feel and embody it to be, it will be.


Top
   
PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2015 12:21 am 
Offline
New to MPUA Forum

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2014 6:12 pm
Posts: 15
Quote:
I'm not sure whether going it alone comes across as (a) being desperate, (b) creepy or (c) having some balls!
you come across as whatever you display, being out alone very rarely ever comes up when im out there, and when it does there are numerous things to say that can also bring your value up:

"most of my friends are boring when we go out, I like to have fun and they can kinda drag my night down"

"I thought my buddies were meeting up here, but they went to (X) bar, I think this place is more fun so I decided to chill here. They were bugging me about meeting up with them over there, but f**k em, next thing you know there gonna need me to go to the bathroom with them too when they powder their nose and re apply lipstick. I hope Tommy remembered to bring his tampons.

as for your question, you can be A B or C with or without friends. When your out alone and everything is good you definately look like you have balls and that you are your own man. Most people are not able to go out by themselves and they know that, so when they see that you can do it they have a lot more respect for you, especially when they see you are having fun.

Ask yourself this question, if you were at the Bar and you saw say Brad Pitt there sitting by himself looking like he is enjoying himself, would you think he was creepy or desperate

Or more realistically if you saw some cute chick by herself and she laughing smiling, being social having a good ol time, would you think she is creepy or desperate.

If your answer is "no" then why would you be creepy or desperate?

The only time I have ever been told that "going out alone is creepy" was by my cousins girlfriend, and that was after I came back from going out alone and had a girl buy me a drink and I number closed her, lol. I really think that the "its weird" comes from because people would feel weird doing it, so they just transport what they would feel inside in to what reality must be. "I would feel weird doing that, so anyone that does that must be weird".

Im gonna start a thread with on going field reports of my "lone wolfing" when i get it going ill link to it from here.

here is my infield "lone wolfing" journal, anyone interested in "lone wolfing" feel free to check it out and ask questions or make comments. post898570.html#p898570


Top
   
PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2015 6:52 am 
Offline
MPUA Forum Enthusiast

Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2015 3:17 pm
Posts: 30
Quote:
Quote:
I'm not sure whether going it alone comes across as (a) being desperate, (b) creepy or (c) having some balls!
Ask yourself this question, if you were at the Bar and you saw say Brad Pitt there sitting by himself looking like he is enjoying himself, would you think he was creepy or desperate
I'm not Brad Pitt (not that I want to drag myself down or anything).
Quote:
Most people are not able to go out by themselves and they know that, so when they see that you can do it they have a lot more respect for you, especially when they see you are having fun.
People are generally social animals so that is a good point. I will keep that in mind.


Top
   
PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2015 6:57 am 
Offline
PUA Forum Leader
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2013 9:50 pm
Posts: 2864
If you put yourself in the mindframe that you're not out alone (trick yourself into believing that you are actually out with your friends, trick yourself into believing you just closed the biggest deal of your life, trick yourself into believing whatever gives you confidence) just that you happen to be alone at the moment it will help you to not exude feelings of inferiority. It's all about your mindstate and nothing else. If you don't think there's anything weird about it NO ONE ELSE WILL. And if they do they will look inferior because you possess an unshakable frame.


Top
   
PostPosted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 11:05 pm 
Offline
New to MPUA Forum

Joined: Sun Mar 08, 2015 9:46 pm
Posts: 4
very good info !!


Top
   
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 12 posts ] 

All times are UTC


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  

Can we be honest?

We want your email address. Let me send you the best seduction techniques ever devised... because they are really good.
close-link