Survivor of child sexual abuse fallen in love

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2019 2:07 pm 
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Disclaimer: Please understand that this is not a case of monism. As I explain in my introductory thread, I participated in the community for years. In spite of my emotional issues I have been with many women and I routinely reject 7s, 8s and 9s, even a 10 once. This is a different story.

I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse. I have described very briefly how that affects my interactions with women in my introductory thread.

A few months ago I visited Italy and met there Elena (made up name), an amazing woman. She's the most attractive woman I've met in YEARS, as attractive as it gets. I'm not just talking about her looks, which are gorgeous, but also about the way she speaks, the way she smiles, her ideas, what she does in life... Everything! I started to feel something quite intense just a few minutes after meeting her. That scared me a lot, so I instinctively stepped away. All in all, we spoke about five minutes in all the time I spent in Italy. Still, this was enough to create a lot of attraction in both of us. She's 19 and I'm much older. A few years ago such a big age gap would have freaked me out, but I no longer care about that.

A few months later she does a tour of Spain and spends her last few days in Madrid. When she arrives in Madrid she sends me a silly message saying that she doesn't have a place to sleep. Obviously this is not true, it's just her way of asking me to let her stay at my place. I know that isn't a good idea because of my emotional issues, it's letting her get too close too soon. However, I can't bring myself to say no, and I invite her.

At the beginning things go well, too well, actually. Eight years ago I fell in love with another Italian woman, Ciara, but eventually rejected her due to my emotional issues. Elena is surprisingly similar to Ciara, so similar that I feel like I have known her for years. As we spend more time together and her desire to have sex with me becomes more clear, I become increasingly anxious. Eventually I start to have panic attacks. I'm overwhelmed and mention Ciara several times. At some point my emotions become so intense that I start to cry in silence. She pretends she doesn't notice.

The second night we have dinner at my place and I decide that I have to do something. I can't keep her deceived, thinking that sex is on the menu. I confess it's very difficult for me to have sex because I was badly hurt in the past, but I don't get into the details. Unfortunately, I'm so anxious that I forget to tell her that sex can happen after a while, that I just need time to take it easy. Looks like she doesn't believe me. Suddenly she looks very uncomfortable, she doesn't want to drink more wine, the conversation becomes awkward and we eventually go to bed (each to their own).

I can't sleep and I spend the night writing about what is going on. Eventually I write a sort of letter to her. When we meet in the morning she tells me she's leaving, even though her flight to Italy is in two days. I read for her the "letter". It's not too bad, it helps her understand a bit how I feel, but it's too intense. After all, we've spent less than two days together.

She leaves anyway. Over the next couple of days we exchange many messages. She says "I hope you really feel this way, it would make me so happy". However, I screw up again. I misunderstand some of her messages and I send her a mail with the story and some pictures of a woman with whom I had a relation a few years ago, hoping that it will help her to understand me better. It backfires, of course. After that she says she's not specially interested in me and leaves most of my messages unanswered.

I think I'm in love with her. I want to get back in touch with her, but I'm not sure of how to do it, and I'm worried that I might keep sabotaging anything I do with her.


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