Damage control: recovering when you said something needy

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2018 1:29 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2018 12:05 am
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I've found this forum useful but never posted before, and I experienced something a couple of weeks ago that I thought might be of use to people here. I don't really care if you think I was a pussy or whatever, I want to tell the story anyway in case it helps someone else.

A few months ago I was seeing a girl fairly regularly, but I left the country and naturally she just got on with things like it didn't even matter. She's really hot, at least an 8, and has tons of options. A couple of weeks ago I decided to hang out with her and her friends for a weekend getaway in another city. This was our reunion. I knew it was not an ideal situation for seeing each other again. In fact, listen, never do this. But I'd tried to get her to my place on her own earlier in the week and she'd flaked. And I took a chance thinking that it could potentially go really well, because I had chatted a bit with one of her friends online and got on really well with her.

Anyway, long story short I really fucked up. We all went out to a club on the first night and I didn't see her for a lot of the night. Just before the end, I met up with her again and we got close on the dancefloor, making out etc. Thing is, literally while I was kissing her neck, I noticed she was texting a guy from Tinder. Because I was high at the time, and I guess because she'd seemed a bit distant and distracted all night, I confronted her on it. I was just like "are you actually texting a Tinder dude like now?" It was in more of a surprised than angry or upset tone. I expected that she would have been seeing other guys and genuinely didn't have a problem with that, but I suppose I felt a bit disrespected and disappointed that she was not present in the moment and was instead "multi-tasking" so flagrantly. Yes, possibly a test, and I failed astronomically.

She started making excuses saying that she wasn't going to sleep with him, he was just a friend, etc etc. She was suddenly more affectionate and I didn't make any more of an issue over it.

It wasn't until the next day that I realised how badly I had screwed up. She was extremely stand-offish, avoiding me and dismissing everything I said in front of her friends. She even said something about how she felt like she was having to look after me like a mother. I held it together and actually cracked on well with her friends, but in my mind I was like "holy shit, this is bad". We were civil but the next night she went off on her own and I went off with some friends to give her space.

When I got back home I obviously started thinking of what I could do to patch this up. And I know most people would be like "you fucked up man, live and learn, just move on to the next".

I concluded that I had three options:
[*] Apologize. She invited me out with her friends and I ended up creating drama. I thought I could just take responsibility for this, apologize for getting jealous, and even if I never fucked her again at least I would have done "the right thing". Maybe by reaching out and accepting responsibility she would regain some respect for me and write it off as a mistake - which all human beings make from time to time.
[*] Stand by my actions and walk away. This is what you guys call 'holding frame'. By doing this I'm saying that I believe I was right to stand up for myself because she was being flagrantly disrespectful. Maybe she would conclude that I was right, and ultimately submit.
[*] Not apologize, but suggest playfully that she needs to be punished for her slutty behaviour. I thought I could turn this into a sex game. Show that I wasn't actually upset, I was just shocked by her actions and wanted to put her in her place.

Needless to say, I went with the third option, and it completely worked. I gave it a day and then messaged her to see how she was feeling after the weekend. She replied after a few hours and I joked with her a bit. She started asking how I was, in that 'motherly' tone, and asked me if I had done my 'homework' for my course the next day. I replied saying I hadn't, and "what are you going to do about that, mummy?" She said she was going to punish me and I was like "please, you've punished me enough...just give me my chocolate milk and I'll go to bed." (Playing the child, which is basically what she had reduced me to after what I did.)

She started saying that no, punishment was inevitable. She was going to have to spank me. So I told her that after what she did, I would be spanking her angrily. She asked why. I replied "to punish you for your promiscuous behavior - you know I don't like it."

Later in the week she came over and now it's back on.

I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes when you fuck up all you can do is laugh at yourself and try to spin it in your favor. When you do something a girl thinks is "not cool", she won't ever forget about it. So you can't go on pretending it didn't happen. And if you apologize then it will always be remembered as "that time you were a pussy" - even if you succeed in moving on and being civil with each other. By turning it into a game, you not only show humility but you completely remove any taboo from talking about what happened. It actually makes other people in the equation become fun and something that you can bond over. It won't be a touchy subject when it comes up again (which it will).

Of course, you have to feel genuinely OK with her seeing other people while you are not "exclusive". If you can't handle this, you should walk away. Personally I just cracked because it had been a while and I guess the weekend was not going how I had hoped.

As a side note, I've also learned that every casual relationship is different. You don't have to be the infallible "alpha male" to keep seeing a hot girl. She might continue to fuck you even if she thinks you are more sensitive, as long as you are OK with the fact that you're more sensitive. Some girls might even like it when you act a bit jealous, because it strokes their ego. I think maybe this is where a lot of this talk falls off.

Generally, men want to protect and women want to nurture. If you do something with a woman that shows vulnerability, it doesn't mean it's all over. Trying to sweep those vulnerabilities under the carpet isn't the answer. It's better to use them to your advantage, as your quirk, your differential, wherever possible.

Your experience may vary. Obviously prevention is the best cure, but we all fuck up sometimes.

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