Women can’t reciprocate – and its frustrating

Hey,

After being in a LTR for two years, the one thing that frustrates me the most is to confirm the hypothesis that women are unable to reciprocate. For the theory behind this hypothesis, see the works of Rollo Tomassi in The Rational Male.
Short summary: Women tend to over-value their own contributions in a relationship and are unconscious about their lack of reciprocating actions from the male. Examples that men tend to illustrate this with are:
1. Man makes an effort, arranges a romantic evening, and expects she will reciprocate his efforts with sex but is rejected. “Lets just go to bed, im tired” /”Lets just watch a film”/”Did you do all this for sex, now I really don’t want to have sex”.
2. Man makes an effort, tends to her when she is sick, and expects she will reciprocate this by doing the same when he is sick, but she doesn’t. “I don’t have time”/”I don’t want to get sick”.
3. Man finds time and makes inconvenient decisions so as to see her and fit her schedule, but she wont make the same effort. “I cant” / “I got a dinner with my bff Mary”.
4. Man cooks, and expects she will cook next time. Sharing duties. But, she won´t – its as if she expects you to continue cooking for her.

Point being: When you give someone X, you expect X or Y back. Not that she takes X for granted. Obviously in a LTR its not always about giving X for X and having ulterior motives, but if it gets too unbalanced its becomes a problem.

It’s the second example that catalysed this entry. And despite I´ve concluded above that this hypothesis is confirmed – I want you ask if you got any tips or tricks to A) Make her reciprocate more, and B) How to confront her when shes being a hypocrite. I also want to C) Share with out some of my thoughts and strategies for you to add or comment on.

Potential strategies:

1. Changing the habit/norm between us.
Best first: This is the most effective when she starts taking something for granted. I simply don’t do it. I rather go hungry than to cook dinner. When she asks me whats for dinner, I say either “I don’t know” or “Im not hungry”. I can sense she expects me to starts cooking, but I don’t. And she knows she cant command that I do it because it wouldn’t make sense – (and she knows she cant command me around anyway).
If X action it’s a settled habit/norm between us, then my theory is that she internally questions whether she can take X for granted or internally question whether its normal to expect me to provide X.
If X action has become a settled habit/norm, then my theory is that she will notice and be annoyed as I don’t do X anymore – but she simply has no rational/sensible way to confront me about it without sounding like a lazy, whiny bitch.

(comment: In psychology this is referred to as coherence. If you spend a lot of time with someone, then a certain set of habits will form. If you dont act in coherence - according - to these habits, then they will notice and interpret it as if youre making a point)

2. On confronting her lack of reciprocity
This has never worked, at least for me. Whenever I confront her lack of reciprocity, she kicks back with either two strategies.
A) She says “That’s not true, I feel we do the equal amount”. Or, (most often after she realises that A wont work)
B) She says “I do a lot of different things for you”.
• Short comment about B: She has so far never had an answer when I ask “What different things?” which makes her just exit the discussion and calling me unreasonable or something since she has nothing more to say.

By the way, if you are to confront her – then don’t fucking back down. Treat the discussion as a shit-test or like this: “This is how I see it and that is how I feel. What are you going to do about it?” or “what are we going to do about me feeling that we are unbalanced in terms of dong X”.
Ive noticed that my gf will proceed to guilt-trip me either immediately or later by saying something like “Its sad for me that you don’t see and appreciate all that I do for you” or “I am hurt that you don’t think I appreciate what you do” etc. Never accept this narrative. If you accept her narrative about being an under-appreciated gf, then you shoot yourself in the foot. I actually fell for this and it was kinda hard to break down the narrative again because she will remind me that I later agreed to her narrative if this problem pops up again later.

3. On demanding X.
This approach works, but only after some kind of a discussion and not immediately. She rarely do X there and then. In other words, you wont get X immediately but in the future.

It works like this:
You’ve noticed how you do X a lot, and she doesn’t reciprocate it. Then you demand it for the future by asking for it. “Make me dinner on Thursday” / “Arrange something for us this weekend”.
Notice how I don’t mention “its your turn”. As stated above, she will always over-value her contributions and is negligent to her lack of reciprocity. It wont take you anywhere.
If she by hearing this, says something like “why should I” or “don’t command me”, then my usual response is “hey, calm your tits down, isnt it nice to do something like that for each other?” or “Isnt that what bf and gf to for each other from time to time? Id really appreciate it ☺”
First one is an example of a hard response whereas the second is an example of a soft response.

Sometimes she comments that ive become "stricter" or "was more of a nice guy before" in a cute voice. This is usually my best sign of success with this approach. Its as if she acknowledges that I dont come for free and that she respects me for making demands.

4. Power Play
It’s a sad reality to accept, but power play is an effective tool for most relationship-frustrations.
Whenever I feel under-appreciated or frustrated, I simply detach myself from the emotions and resume my lifestyle without including her. This involves living a busy lifestyle, meeting up with people, go clubbing, work late, leave early in the morning to have coffee with someone or start work early etc. I also do not text her first she must initiate communication.

Without fail she starts to text and arrange for us to meet up. She makes dinner that ends with sex.

NB! Power play must never be in a way she can interpret it as some sort of “revenge”. There is nothing as childish and needy than revenge. She will then just wait you out.

NBNB! Power play shouldn’t go on for too long. If she allows it to go on for too long, then she might not be as interested in you as before. You drift apart. Point being: If you just read this without being familiar with power play, then do some studying on the topic before putting it in your repertoire.



This was a spontaneous entry. Hopefully I got my thoughts across in an effective and understandable way.

Keep in shape, and you won't be doomed like many of these fat ass sports team sweatshirt guys.

After being in a LTR for two years, the one thing that frustrates me the most is to confirm the hypothesis that women are unable to reciprocate. For the theory behind this hypothesis, see the works of Rollo Tomassi in The Rational Male.

Short summary: Women tend to over-value their own contributions in a relationship and are unconscious about their lack of reciprocating actions from the male. Examples that men tend to illustrate this with are:

1. Man makes an effort, arranges a romantic evening, and expects she will reciprocate his efforts with sex but is rejected. “Lets just go to bed, im tired” /”Lets just watch a film”/”Did you do all this for sex, now I really don’t want to have sex”.

2. Man makes an effort, tends to her when she is sick, and expects she will reciprocate this by doing the same when he is sick, but she doesn’t. “I don’t have time”/”I don’t want to get sick”.

3. Man finds time and makes inconvenient decisions so as to see her and fit her schedule, but she wont make the same effort. “I cant” / “I got a dinner with my bff Mary”.

4. Man cooks, and expects she will cook next time. Sharing duties. But, she won´t – its as if she expects you to continue cooking for her.

Point being: When you give someone X, you expect X or Y back. Not that she takes X for granted. Obviously in a LTR its not always about giving X for X and having ulterior motives, but if it gets too unbalanced its becomes a problem.

It’s the second example that catalysed this entry. And despite I´ve concluded above that this hypothesis is confirmed – I want you ask if you got any tips or tricks to A) Make her reciprocate more, and B) How to confront her when shes being a hypocrite. I also want to C) Share with out some of my thoughts and strategies for you to add or comment on.

1. Changing the habit/norm between us.
Best first: This is the most effective when she starts taking something for granted. I simply don’t do it. I rather go hungry than to cook dinner. When she asks me whats for dinner, I say either “I don’t know” or “Im not hungry”. I can sense she expects me to starts cooking, but I don’t. And she knows she cant command that I do it because it wouldn’t make sense – (and she knows she cant command me around anyway).
If X action it’s a settled habit/norm between us, then my theory is that she internally questions whether she can take X for granted or internally question whether its normal to expect me to provide X.
If X action has become a settled habit/norm, then my theory is that she will notice and be annoyed as I don’t do X anymore – but she simply has no rational/sensible way to confront me about it without sounding like a lazy, whiny bitch.

(comment: In psychology this is referred to as coherence. If you spend a lot of time with someone, then a certain set of habits will form. If you dont act in coherence - according - to these habits, then they will notice and interpret it as if youre making a point)

2. On confronting her lack of reciprocity
This has never worked, at least for me. Whenever I confront her lack of reciprocity, she kicks back with either two strategies.
A) She says “That’s not true, I feel we do the equal amount”. Or, (most often after she realises that A wont work)
B) She says “I do a lot of different things for you”.
• Short comment about B: She has so far never had an answer when I ask “What different things?” which makes her just exit the discussion and calling me unreasonable or something since she has nothing more to say.

By the way, if you are to confront her – then don’t fucking back down. Treat the discussion as a shit-test or like this: “This is how I see it and that is how I feel. What are you going to do about it?” or “what are we going to do about me feeling that we are unbalanced in terms of dong X”.
Ive noticed that my gf will proceed to guilt-trip me either immediately or later by saying something like “Its sad for me that you don’t see and appreciate all that I do for you” or “I am hurt that you don’t think I appreciate what you do” etc. Never accept this narrative. If you accept her narrative about being an under-appreciated gf, then you shoot yourself in the foot. I actually fell for this and it was kinda hard to break down the narrative again because she will remind me that I later agreed to her narrative if this problem pops up again later.

3. On demanding X.
This approach works, but only after some kind of a discussion and not immediately. She rarely do X there and then. In other words, you wont get X immediately but in the future.

It works like this:
You’ve noticed how you do X a lot, and she doesn’t reciprocate it. Then you demand it for the future by asking for it. “Make me dinner on Thursday” / “Arrange something for us this weekend”.
Notice how I don’t mention “its your turn”. As stated above, she will always over-value her contributions and is negligent to her lack of reciprocity. It wont take you anywhere.
If she by hearing this, says something like “why should I” or “don’t command me”, then my usual response is “hey, calm your tits down, isnt it nice to do something like that for each other?” or “Isnt that what bf and gf to for each other from time to time? Id really appreciate it ☺”
First one is an example of a hard response whereas the second is an example of a soft response.

Sometimes she comments that ive become "stricter" or "was more of a nice guy before" in a cute voice. This is usually my best sign of success with this approach. Its as if she acknowledges that I dont come for free and that she respects me for making demands.

4. Power Play
It’s a sad reality to accept, but power play is an effective tool for most relationship-frustrations.
Whenever I feel under-appreciated or frustrated, I simply detach myself from the emotions and resume my lifestyle without including her. This involves living a busy lifestyle, meeting up with people, go clubbing, work late, leave early in the morning to have coffee with someone or start work early etc. I also do not text her first she must initiate communication.

Without fail she starts to text and arrange for us to meet up. She makes dinner that ends with sex.

NB! Power play must never be in a way she can interpret it as some sort of “revenge”. There is nothing as childish and needy than revenge. She will then just wait you out.

NBNB! Power play shouldn’t go on for too long. If she allows it to go on for too long, then she might not be as interested in you as before. You drift apart. Point being: If you just read this without being familiar with power play, then do some studying on the topic before putting it in your repertoire.



This was a spontaneous entry. Hopefully I got my thoughts across in an effective and understandable way.