She's acting all bitchy. How to deal with her?



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 9:57 pm 
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Hey guys,

I've been reading the forum for a while but only now I managed to make an account. Anyway, I'll get over the "thank you, the forum is amazing" part, because you see stuff like this daily. :)

Now, to my problem. I've been dating this girl for almost 3 months and things seemed to be perfect. I've been looking for a girl like her in a while and now I finally met her. Basically, she's just like me, liking almost the same things.

A month ago, I was noticing she was a bit cold, not being that communicative as she was. I thought she was only tired or had some family issues, dunno. I even asked her what was wrong and she said she was fine, nothing important. A few days after, she told me that she had a serious relationship a year ago and she was still in the past, thinking at that and other nonsense. Ok, got it. We didn't talked for a few days, until one day she approached me on facebook. A bit of fluff talk, nothing important. And she kept talking with me, with her initiating the contact. It was obvious, she wanted me to get back with her again. After a few days, I invited her to my place, cooked something and everything went just fine. We couldn't do nothing, as my roommate was in the other room, but she gave me one awesome bj. :)

So everything seemed just like it was before. We went to some friends of mine to watch the game, went bowling, and so on. We were a happy couple again. Last week, I went to her place and spent the night there. She had to go to school in the morning and I kept sleeping until she came back . Anyway, since then, she started again acting cold, bitchy sometimes and she's again not that communicative. I even asked her again...Is something wrong with you? No, I just need to sleep and I think I'm a bit sick.

I might be a bit too emotionally attached to her and she's ok. Or maybe she wants to break up again. I have no idea what's happening with her. I want to have a serious talk with her about this, but this weekend we're both in our hometowns. ( We go to college in the same city). I want talk with her face to face, as last time we talked about this on facebook.

I can't stand this, with her acting like this and not knowing why. So here comes my question: how to deal with this situation? Should I ask here where is this relationship going or it might be just a phase she's going through?

Looking forward to reading your advice!

PS: Sorry if I made some mistakes, English is not my first language and I might got some expressions wrong.
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 10:25 pm 
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Your English is excellent, where are you from?

Notice the pattern with this girl... she wanted you more when you broke up. Then she loses interest when you are with her because there is no challenge there for her. Don't be so eager to please her when you're with her. Don't spend all your free time with her. Make her work for your attention and earn it, don't just give it to her for free.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 11:03 pm 
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Thanks! Also, thanks for the quick answer. :) I live somewhere in Eastern Europe, but sometimes I have the tendency to use improper tenses and so on..anyway, we're not in grammar class here. :)

I'm not really spending all my free time with her...we do separate things too. The thing that intrigues me is how on earth can you change after a night. I mean, she was screaming my name at night, and in the morning she was all grumpy. I swear, women are the universe's biggest mystery.

I will ignore her a bit these days, and as I know her, she will be the one looking for me. Wouldn't be something new, as she does that mostly all the time.

Funny thing, she posted a pic on tumblr like an hour ago.. "love when you're ready, not when you're lonely". I know, this sounds a bit childish for a 20 year old girl, but could that mean something? (I'm ready to suffer the consequences for asking this last thing xD )


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 5:58 am 
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Quote:
Hey guys,

I've been reading the forum for a while but only now I managed to make an account. Anyway, I'll get over the "thank you, the forum is amazing" part, because you see stuff like this daily. :)

Now, to my problem. I've been dating this girl for almost 3 months and things seemed to be perfect. I've been looking for a girl like her in a while and now I finally met her. Basically, she's just like me, liking almost the same things.

A month ago, I was noticing she was a bit cold, not being that communicative as she was. I thought she was only tired or had some family issues, dunno. I even asked her what was wrong and she said she was fine, nothing important. A few days after, she told me that she had a serious relationship a year ago and she was still in the past, thinking at that and other nonsense. Ok, got it. We didn't talked for a few days, until one day she approached me on facebook. A bit of fluff talk, nothing important. And she kept talking with me, with her initiating the contact. It was obvious, she wanted me to get back with her again. After a few days, I invited her to my place, cooked something and everything went just fine. We couldn't do nothing, as my roommate was in the other room, but she gave me one awesome bj. :)

So everything seemed just like it was before. We went to some friends of mine to watch the game, went bowling, and so on. We were a happy couple again. Last week, I went to her place and spent the night there. She had to go to school in the morning and I kept sleeping until she came back . Anyway, since then, she started again acting cold, bitchy sometimes and she's again not that communicative. I even asked her again...Is something wrong with you? No, I just need to sleep and I think I'm a bit sick.

I might be a bit too emotionally attached to her and she's ok. Or maybe she wants to break up again. I have no idea what's happening with her. I want to have a serious talk with her about this, but this weekend we're both in our hometowns. ( We go to college in the same city). I want talk with her face to face, as last time we talked about this on facebook.

I can't stand this, with her acting like this and not knowing why. So here comes my question: how to deal with this situation? Should I ask here where is this relationship going or it might be just a phase she's going through?

Looking forward to reading your advice!

PS: Sorry if I made some mistakes, English is not my first language and I might got some expressions wrong.
__________________

It sounds as though she's witholding (not sharing something with you) and your intuition is telling you something is off (which may or may not have anything to do with you). Whenever you pull away a bit from her, she pursues and it feels wonderful, but the moment is fleeting once your ego is satiated and she begins acting aloof/distant again.

Whatever is going on with her, it doesn't sound like she's being very forthcoming. You won't gain any ground by pushing at her, she'll likely only become further entrenched in whatever it is that's creating the disturbance. It may be helpful for you to examine how all of this is making you feel, rather than focusing on her. If you're experiencing more anguish for merely a momentary feeling of relief, then maybe its best to leave well enough alone.

The way I see it, you have a few options:

1) Maintain relations with her, but ACCEPT that whatever she's going through she is not willing to share so therefore leave it alone.
2) Cut ties with her, but under the pretense that some proximity may be good for the two of you (I don't generally recommend this as it isn't really working toward anything, but if she's not willing to discuss things with you, how are you guys going to work past things?). If you follow through with this option, make a concerted effort to stand by it and not fold after a few days because you miss her. Realize that like the addict, you will have cravings to see her but that when either one of you cave, you get right back into this mess all over again. Be honest with yourself, above all else.

I think some space would be good for you to reflect on things because things are sounding a bit emotionally intense for the two of you right now.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 7:35 pm 
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I want to maintain relations with her, even though I don't know what's happening with her and even though it really pisses me off to see her like that. Still, I'll ignore this fact and see how things go on. If she continues like this, I'll cut ties with her for a while.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 8:28 pm 
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Quote:
I want to maintain relations with her, even though I don't know what's happening with her and even though it really pisses me off to see her like that. Still, I'll ignore this fact and see how things go on. If she continues like this, I'll cut ties with her for a while.
This wont end well, guaranteed. At least not until you accept things as they are rather than resisting the situation. You'll be back here a while yet griping about it until you've finally had enough of this rollercoaster ride.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 8:56 pm 
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Ok, then. I'll probably go out with her tomorrow or Monday, as we're both getting back to college after a weekend home. If she's still like this, I'll ask her if there's something wrong. If she says she's ok...fine with me. Like you said, I'll accept things as they are.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 9:05 pm 
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Quote:
Ok, then. I'll probably go out with her tomorrow or Monday, as we're both getting back to college after a weekend home. If she's still like this, I'll ask her if there's something wrong. If she says she's ok...fine with me. Like you said, I'll accept things as they are.
You've asked her repeatedly already, what makes you think you'll get a different response? In fact, if you continue asking her you'll push her even farther away. Let people tell you things out of their own volition not you pushing them to - LEAVE IT BE. If you can't accept that this is her stuff to deal with, you will only end causing more pain for yourself; this is what I mean by resistance to 'what is'/the situation.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 9:40 pm 
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If I think again, you're perfectly right. If she really has something important to say, maybe she will tell me after all.

I really want to thank you for the advice. I was really feeling weird these days and I needed to talk with somebody (even on the internet) about this. I really appreciate this :)


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 10:50 pm 
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Quote:
If I think again, you're perfectly right. If she really has something important to say, maybe she will tell me after all.

I really want to thank you for the advice. I was really feeling weird these days and I needed to talk with somebody (even on the internet) about this. I really appreciate this :)
Guarantee you if you back off she'll be far more likely to open up to you. You can't force someone to share something with you, it should be authentic and come from a desire for her to do so. Listen to some Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, he speaks at great lengths about resistance creating tumult in our lives, causing us to live unconsciously perpetually trapping us in an egoic state. If you offer her a place of solace, someone to have fun with and be-in-the-moment, she'll come to you - but you can't fake this, you really need to put it into practice. Whenever you begin to feel reactive in your body, examine those feelings and thoughts thoroughly rather than REACTING.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 10:56 pm 
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Don't keep asking whats wrong and picking at it. That route only ever ends in a break up.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2013 11:37 pm 
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Long story short: no more LTR for me.

She sent me a message telling me that we can't continue anymore, because (again) she's still in the past, she's unable to make progress in this relationship and so on. Of course, I was perfect, doing everything right and it's only her fault. And she knows that I hate discussing serious stuff through messages.

I don't know if we will get back together again, even though I must admit that I really want to, because I really like her and she means a lot to me. I'll feel a bit weird for a few days, but hey, I've been through this before, I can deal with it.

For me, it's pretty simple. No texting, no chatting, no nothing. If she's the first one who initiates contact, ok, I'll be polite and talk to her to see where this is going. That's the way I see things.

If there's any tip or I don't know, something else that I can do in this situation, hit me up :)

PS: I'm a bit of a mess right now (I'll never use this expression again) so I probably made some mistakes in the text above.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 8:11 am 
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I know how you feel. But remember this "Don’t be afraid to lose someone who isn't afraid to loose you"


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 8:49 am 
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Quote:
Is something wrong with you?
---> That question is a challenging her, is asking for her to respond "F@#k you! everything is fine with me, you are the problem"

Change that type of questions to:

Hey I'm feeling disrespected and unappreciated by you lately, and no matter how much I care for you and want to be with you, I see no point of staying with someone who does not respect and appreciate me, are you sure that everything ok with you? if you have a some problem I can do my best to help you with it.


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