I'm a divorced dad and a co-dependent gigolo



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 3:32 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2019 11:46 am
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Hello again pickup community.

I'm back. I started back in 2009 when I was 19 and still a hermit. For four years I tried very hard to become a real pickup artist. What stopped me? A girl of course. I wouldn't dare to want a real relationship. I just wanted some sex to be cool and handle my hornyness. Cause goddamn after all that religious suppression I got HORNY AS FUCK!! I've never met anyone as horny as I was. I was starving for sex, because of the unbearable shame that was Always attatched to it. At 19 I finally told that God to fuck off. Let me play with my wiener. Go be the God for some other maniac like ISIS of Trump. I have no place for that imaginary friend anymore. Imaginary friends shouldn't complicate someone's life in that way. I finally got a real real girlfriend. I tried it in the past, but got scared very fast by the idea of someone getting to know the real me. But she knew all of me and loved it. Isn't that cute? I just had to move in within a month. And I needed to get married 2 years later. A little voice told me about the red flags I was seeing. But that little voice should shut the fuck up! Someone finally could let me be me without judging my weirdness. That little voice should be happy for me. For four years I've had so many rejections. I did bootcamps. Most of my friends were pickup artists. I've read books. Posted so much in field material on a dutch pickup forum. I've watched YouTube videos. I WAS FUCKING TIRED OF IT ALL!!! This just needed to work.

As soon as we got engaged she was pregnant. It was planned, but damn were we a fertile couple. Our sex life died immediately. New obsession began to develop. I read books on saving a relationship. I doubled my income. I hardly slept. I tried to make her read some books. She told me she also loved to read, that lying bitch. I cooked so many new dishes that she didn't eat, while all others find it delicious. I cleaned the house so much, but somehow all her trash was still everywhere. I worked out. Others saw it. She didn't care. I've bought presents for her by listening very carefully to what she said she liked, but she didn't touch them after happily opening them. Before knowing her I smoked weed once a month and it was plenty. After meeting her it became a daily habit to surpress the hell I was living in. Once this kid was born we really need to talk and date and fuck for fuck sake. The only time we fucked we didn't use protection and surprise surprise son number two was on his was. I needed to man up and take more shit for this lady who is sacrificing her joy to feed this second son of ours. When we just met I just found out I had feelings. At this time I was crying more than the baby. Okay, I'm exaggerating a little. I was in panic mode, but kept saying to her we'll get through this. Divorce wasn't an option for me. Our second son was born.

Can we now just please have a relationship??

She lightened up and therefore I lightened up. We started to talk again and have fun finally. But within a couple of weeks she was back to basic and I fucking snapped. I've never knew how much I could be not such a nice guy. I was freaking the fuck out. All surpressed emotions kept spouting out. She couldn't play me anymore. She couldn't pretend to have the best interest for me. I could finally see that it wasn't like that. I remember vividly when a friend was over and she bitched at me before going to sleep and I called her back.

"What did I do to deserve that?"

She avoided the question in so many ways. It struck me to see her panic. I finally started to wake up to the abuse I didn't want to see. I wanted to see the woman I fell in love with. That woman never existed. She was playing me all along. Isn't that ironic? Me. The pickup artist...the fucking shitty pickup artist was being played by this lifesucking innocent looking succubus. She did this many times before and it just didn't register. I just assumed there was something wrong with me? Be aware if you have narcissistic parents. They didn't just fuck up your childhood. They fuck up everything untill you wake up. And there's no guarantee that you will ever wake up. I'm just glad that I did. If I would be really awake and enlightened I would wish them the best, but I'm not. So I'm looking forward to her messing up her new relationships. I want to see her suffer as she made me suffer. But whatever. Most important thing is that I'm out! I'm fucking free! She did call me back to try again and I did, but in retrospect I could see that it was another failed attempt to beat me to submission.

I'm hurt very badly. Lots of repressed childhood trauma's kept boiling up. I kept seeing ways that she abused me that I didn't see before. Friends of mine now started to talk. They didn't before, because I seemed so obsessed with loving her. She didn't love me. She trash talked me and laughed at me throughout the entire relationship. While telling me she loved me and WE were trying so hard to make this work. I've lost plenty of friends because of her trash talking. They're her friends now. I'm doing so much different kinds of therapy. The energy I feel when she's around me makes me almost wanna jump of a bridge. I've found out what a co-dependent was and I was one of them. A co-dependents can only value himself as much as the environment values him. That's why I was exhausting myself to make sure others liked me. So I became a prostitute. People shower me with compliments. They like the way I look. It's only a temporary solution though. I possible fucked more people than your favorite pickup artist, but the people I've fucked aren't the people your favorite pickup artist would want to fuck. It's dysfunctional and it's temporarily. Makes good money that's needed for therapy and it makes people very happy. And if they're happy I'm happy.

But I do need to connect with a woman I like again. I can't let this bitch control my trust in women in general. I need to give my sons a good example to my sons what love is. I'm recovering from co-dependence. There's a long road behind me and still a long road before me. I'm tired.


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