From a couple of dates to relationship power struggle.


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A Sticking Point or SP is an issue you CONSISTENTLY run into.

It is NOT a point where you get stuck with ONE SPECIFIC GIRL.

A Sticking Point is:
Quote:
I keep getting LMR whenever I bring girls back to my place. This has happened at least 10 times already! What am I doing wrong?


A Sticking Point is NOT:
Quote:
I got LMR with this one girl! What do I do?


IT IS AGAINST THIS BOARD'S RULES TO POST THREADS ABOUT JUST ONE GIRL
If you have not already gone out and practiced enough to have a real Sticking Point from meeting an ABUNDANCE of women, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO POST HERE.



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:05 pm 
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Ok, I'm kind of struggling with this.

I've met this HB9 and we dated 3/4 times.

I like her, she's funny, smart, sexy, fucks very well. We're both into each other, at least in person, and have a hard time taking our hands from each other.

BUT, I'm always the one who has to arrange dates, meetings and initiate stuff non in person.

She also loves to challenge me the whole time on lots of stuff, she does this for pure fun I guess, but I feel like I'm becoming the weak side in this couple as I struggle to maintain my masculine and strong frame with all of her challenges and by having to invite her to do stuff all of the time.

I want a healthy relationship with this woman, not one that keeps into power struggles and games, yet she forces me to keep my frame intact by challenging me the whole time, I can't really show any vulnerability as she doesn't seem able to compensate them.

I'm simply not one that enjoys being the one who has to call her, contact her, yet I'm in this struggle and I really don't know what to do.

Attracting a female, banging her is not really a problem to me, but to "tame" her, well, that's another story.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:08 pm 
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I'm confused. You believe your masculinity is challenged because the woman isn't asking for the date? Masculinity has changed if that's the case. What does it matter if as long as she shows up when you call? You should be worried if she stops showing up when you call.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:12 pm 
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I don't like chasing people, nor I like a person that doesn't keep in touch much between dates.

At this point I'm wondering if I should simply move on.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:18 pm 
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Aqualol wrote:
I don't like chasing people, nor I like a person that doesn't keep in touch much between dates.

At this point I'm wondering if I should simply move on.
Wait. How are you chasing if she comes when you call? Are you having to convince her to come or is it that you just need to be validated by her asking to see you and needing to keep in touch.

Look...if you want this girl for more than just sex and she's not doing the things that she needs to keep you happy with her, you should absolutely drop her or at the very least put her on the back burner.

To me, it seems like you are making a big deal about nothing.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:21 pm 
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Quote:
I'm simply not one that enjoys being the one who has to call her, contact her, yet I'm in this struggle and I really don't know what to do.


Then stop doing it!

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:30 pm 
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Quote:
or is it that you just need to be validated by her asking to see you and needing to keep in touch.


This, yes, I want this validation.

Either I get it from her (how?) or what the fuck do I do?


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:47 pm 
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Aqualol wrote:
Quote:
or is it that you just need to be validated by her asking to see you and needing to keep in touch.


This, yes, I want this validation.

Either I get it from her (how?) or what the fuck do I do?
Needing validation is insecurity. Being insecure will cause you to lose her.

This actually causes me to think that she doesn't contact you or asks you if you want to meet up because she knows that you will do the initiating. You have got to drop the needy mentality.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:53 pm 
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Aqualol wrote:
what the fuck do I do?


Stop being needy. You are the one feeding into it. Her power is greater, because her options are also. The validation you seek is knowing you are the prize.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 8:16 pm 
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What does it means she has more options?

It's not like I have a hard time finding another, nor I lack some girl orbiting around I still have to date and could bang easily.

It's not that I'm needy (or am I?) the fact is that I like really like her. I can tell for sure she's into me, she never wants to go home no matter how late it is, she has a real trouble keeping her hands and tongue away from me, she tells me how much she wants to be with me, she gives me direct/indirect hints that she wants this relationship to go well (e.g. yesterday she told me she wanted to avoid some friends till our relationship isn't solid, as they have a story of bringing bad look into her dating and she wanted this to work). But after the dates? She keeps being quite cold and never asks me to meet. She will contact me, from time to time, but she does that in a 1:3/1:4 ratio.

I am funny, strong, smart, masculine and great at fucking but I'm also a person who has problems opening (and her challenging me does not help), I have problems trusting people (related to family abuse, family abandonment and a sad story, and I do therapy for it and its getting better, but will never be totally solved) and I tend to be manipulative and yes I'm a person that needs attention to be calm (nothing particular, but bloody hell try to call more/set dates).

So my problem isn't adding another name on the "fucked list" (and no, I don't have one), but transitioning into a healthy relationship or atleast giving her some signals to tame her into being more active and present between dates.

And, on a side notes, when you're transitioning from dating to a relationship I guess that we all want some sort of validation.

I don't think I'm asking for anything strange.

Quote:
The validation you seek is knowing you are the prize.


The way I see both should be. Your quote is valid when you don't know somebody. I don't like the idea of having a relationship where somebody's a prize and the other one is lucky to be the one that got the prize.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 8:21 pm 
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Seeking validation is needy. You can't get around that.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 8:28 pm 
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JackZero wrote:
Seeking validation is needy. You can't get around that.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 9:01 pm 
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So what are you saying is that I should not seek validation but see if there is validation or not.

Meaning, I should not bother by seeking her to do something but check if she does it or not and then decide what I want to do with it, right?


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 9:32 pm 
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Aqualol wrote:
So what are you saying is that I should not seek validation but see if there is validation or not.

Meaning, I should not bother by seeking her to do something but check if she does it or not and then decide what I want to do with it, right?
It's actually silly to be worried about this with a girl that you already have. She wants to be your girlfriend and you want her to text you more. She fucks you whenever you call for her to do it and you want her to set it up for you.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2016 12:47 pm 
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I've been there and I know it sucks. Haven't ever actually gotten around it, but this is my humble piece of advice:

As others already mentioned, if she comes when you call and everything is fine when you are together, you're probably making a big thing out of nothing.

But I do get it that it is just fucking tiring being the only who has to arrange it: find a good day, the right time and always look for a new and good place to go. You just want for once to fucking sit back, get the suggestion and just say yes or no, and not do all the work by yourself.

So no, I don't think it necessarily comes from insecurity.

The thing is that with dating, as with almost everything in life that involves any social encounter between two people, the way you do something during the very first encounters sets the rythm any future encounters. Meaning that if, for example, you make a new friend tomorrow that you two go together climbing from now on, and you are the one calling him the first 2-3 times to arrange climbing, don't expect in the future that he will ever call you about it. You have already set the rythm, and that is that you call and suggest it, so he expects from you to do it in the future again. That's how the dynamic between the two of you has now been set. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to go other times, means that's the system that has now been imprinted in his brain.
If you wanna change that, he has to now make a cognitive choice to bypass it. When it's a friend as in the example, abstaining a little from arranging it will probably work. When he realizes you haven't arranged anything chances are he will hit you, curious why the two of you haven't arranged anything. Consciously, he has now started realizing that it was always your initiative, it had also been simple and easy for him. If you really wanna change that, at that exact point is your opportunity, but it is a tricky part and you have to play your cards right. The impression he now has to get is that you had serious reasons you didn't call but if he had called himself it could had worked out. Be prepared that at that point you might lose your climbing buddy. He might not be willing to change the simple and easy way he was used to and just let things flow.

With dating it is a little bit more complicated, because of the man-woman dynamic. Also, girls like the easy thing and not put too much effort and thinking to these kind of stuff. She might never ask why you haven't arranged anything or it will feel like never :D , but most probably she will. It will take more time than you probably are able to abstain. And even when she does it is so tricky to fake the reason you actually abstained from arranging anything! Maybe a playful "don't know, I actually wanted to, but couldn't figure out any good new suggestion. Damn you've drained me girl! :D" would send the message without letting the bitterness come out. If the girl has invested emotionally, which seems like she has, it is harder to "lose her" than your climbing buddy, but it will be a damn slow and painful process.


I actually think that it will be a good thing to reset the dynamic. It will take away this pressure from you and secondly, she will invest more and realize she has to do some of the work if she wants to see you. Just don't neglect, that when you will make her take initiative for once, it doesn't automatically set the dynamic you want, but it sets it back to zero. Now is the time to set the new one and make it a fair one, don't go to the other side cause she will notice and might start thinking something has changed and you don't like her that much any more and blah blah and that can be unpredictable.

Btw girls aren't so much practiced to arranging dates as we are, so chances are she is gonna fuck it up, but nevertheless if you decide to, go for it.



This is also a bit of a sticking point for me, so if anyone has any other suggestion...


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2016 1:46 pm 
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Does she text you?

I don't know the exact specifics of your relationship, but I personally enjoy it when a man sets up dates and leads for the first initial dates.

Try not texting her for a few days, if she likes you, she will text back.


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