Overcoming Approach Anxiety


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 24, 2006 10:57 pm 
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xfman wrote:
"There is no woman out of your league... Your the one that is putting her on that place..."


Many or almost all men around the world , have trouble when talking with woman. We feel fear, Anxiety, and of course we all are afraid of rejection.

How can we get rid of AA?
One of the most common tips of how to get rid of this is going out and talking to any person you see around , keep it short and simple , not more than 2 minutes. Go out and talk to the fat guy , the little kid , the mother with three sons, the girl working in the shop , the staff... Just say Hi , give a comment , talk about the climate , talk about anything , just approach.

That is just the beginning, we are getting rid of that fear to talk to a stranger. Next step, approach without having any expectations. Stop thinking about what I'm going to tell her , what if... Just get there and talk but have zero goals, stop thinking what you want to do with the girl, just run an opinion opener.

Another way to help this problem , is by planning , just write a couple of openers and stories, at the beginning you will have to memorize a couple of things , but remember this is just to get rid of the problem , then you will be talking better and with no trouble or fear.

Get rid of that AA (Approach Anxiety)by saying hi to all the woman you see... She is not the big deal , she is a person, And your never going to see her again , is not that big deal man ...


Quote:
"A venusian artist goes into the field night after nigth primarily to improve his calibration and internalize his skill-set. He's not trying to get this one girl or to 'get laid tonight.' Rather, he's practicing with the long-term goal of having a powerful social skill-set...It's like playing a video game: if your man dies, just hit the button and play again."


Don't think of the outcome , if she turn you down , she lost her chance , if you got a number great...

Quote:
Tyler Durden put it in Fight Club, "Let the chips fall where they may." Stop trying to control your outcome with chicks.

So to overcome shyness, force yourself to chat up everybody, no matter who they were... hot chicks, ugly girls, fat tubby women, senior citizens, goofy-looking men, children, families walking their golden retrievers, etc.

Talk about neutral topics with them, nothing to do with picking up and seducing women.



Use the 3 second rule whenever you can. Stop thinking what to say , just go there and say any opener. Thsi rule was made up to avoid hesitations and to gain social proof , but in this case we are talking about NO HESITATIONS , why ? because you start thinking about the possible outcomes and we don't want that , just go there :o

Quote:
So how can you avoid rejection? The answer is: you can't. It isn't the solution to avoid being vulnerable. Rather, the solution is to embrace your vulnerability, to embrace rejection, and let the Field show you what is good and what is bad. Most approach anxiety is a result of imagined rejections, not real ones. Eventually, time in the Field will desensitize you to the emotion of rejection. In a game where you might play five or ten sets every night, losing a few of them here and there never really seems like a big deal.


Realise, rejection is a normal part of life – it’s no big deal – people get rejected for all sorts of things: writers get manuscripts rejected, actors get rejected, rejection is a normal part of job interviews! It’s not rejection that matters, is the way you handle it!


Sean Newman wrote:

Step 1.

You are not to go to any bars or clubs for the next month. At all. You may go to pubs with your friends, but no “sarging.” No bars. Nothing.

What you will do is make changes daily. Here’s how.

Step 2.

For the next month, you will take a 30-minute walk every day. Pick a neighborhood that’s easy to get to from home or work, and go there at about the same time every day. Ideally pick a place you can walk right after work. It can be a street with shops, or a park. But it must be a place where people are about.

When you are on your walk, you nod to yourself and keep repeating under your breath “I’m going to look silly but i’m going to have fun.” Just do it.

Now comes the crucial part. When you walk past a woman, ANY woman, smile, look up at her and say “Hello.” That’s it. Just greet her. She does not have to say anything back. These are the simple steps to get you out of your head.

You have that goal. Now the next thing to look for is a woman, any woman, who is not walking. Do the same thing. Walk up and say “Hello.” Wait until she says “Hello” back, then when she does, introduce yourself. She will then tell you her name, and then you immediately tell her how you take a walk every day and have conversations with friendly-looking people because you’re quite shy, and are learning how to just enjoy small talk and getting to know people.

Do NOT run any routines or anything else. Just have a conversation about how you have trouble having conversations. I want you to be totally honest and sincere. And if she joins the conversation, that’s great. Keep talking. If she has something to do that prevents her from talking, that’s fine as well. Wish her a good day and move on.

In short:

When walking past people, smile and say “Hello” to one person. It does NOT matter if they say Hello back or even look up.
The first woman you see on your walk, stop and greet her with a smile and “Hello.” Then introduce yourself politely and ask her name. When she tells you her name, tell her you like to walk every day and have conversations with friendly-looking people because you are quite shy, and learning how to be social and enjoy small talk.
Once you say that, you are free to go. You do not need to say anything else. But you are also free to stay and talk.
No matter what else happens, make sure you walk for the full 30 minutes.
Get home and keep a checklist of the things you did. One check for walking for 30 minutes. One check for everyone you greeted with a hello. One check for every woman you stopped and chatted with.
When you see you have three checks, celebrate. Go to your favorite pub and watch the game with your buds. Order your favorite food. Give yourself a high-five. Whatever. But make sure you celebrate doing it.
Give me 30 days of this, and you will have a better life. I give you my word.





Hope this help all of you out there having this problem.


XFMAN :D

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Last edited by xfman on Sun Oct 28, 2007 2:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 10:38 pm 
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Great stuff, xfman


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 5:01 am 
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I was sitting on the bus yesterday, and there was a guy sitting across from me with this dope monkey-themed T-shirt. I wanted to know where he got it from, but there was this strange social wall keeping me from leaning over and asking some random dude on a bus "Yo, man. Where'd you get that shirt?"

So I started thinking about it for a while, and I realized it was approach anxiety. There was a social situation in which I wanted to speak to someone I did not know personally, and the fear of social repercussion for that made me incapable of following through.

As soon as I realized what it was, I leaned over and asked "Yo, man. Where'd you get that shirt?"

Turns out, he got it online. And he looked at me like I was a creep (guys tend to find me a little off-putting), but I had the information I wanted. As soon as you know it's approach anxiety, keep to the 3-second rule. Don't even let yourself think about it.

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 6:51 am 
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ahahahha this reminds me of what I did last week. Some guy had a cell phone that I wanted to buy so badly but still needed first hand advice about it. I seen the phone (I thought it was the phone I wanted but) Less than 5 seconds I approached him asked him where he got the cellphone from, is that the Ericsson K790? The dude told me its not, and his phone is not even available in North America. I couldn't careless, I was dissappointed that it wasn't the K790 and this dude was talking so much about his phone I had to get out of there with a "Thank you peace". :o


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 31, 2007 4:12 am 
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Haha stop sarging guys people! the whole point is to sarge girls here!

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 31, 2007 6:19 am 
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lmfao lol. That was just a random event of some guy babbling about his cellphone I at the time thought i'd share it. I would never post a sarge field report on guys ever again IMPACT lol. I'm laughing now reading what I posted because now when I think about it, that looked gay. But I think sarging guys is okay If you want to befriend them for connections, or hookups, or clubs like bouncers(I hate talking to them), bartenders etc... I just wont write anything about it.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 02, 2007 10:40 am 
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great stuff!

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PostPosted: Tue May 15, 2007 3:44 pm 
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Wow, talking to strangers, it goes against everything I have ever learned as a kid.

As far as sarging guys goes (in a heterosexual way) it is the best thing you can do while not sarging girls. The more friends you have, the bigger your entourage the more social value you have. I was a bartender for 5 years and that staus alone got me laid and attention for girls with little/no effort. You dont have to help them move or even become their friends...they are just casual aquaintences you shoot the shit with when you have nothing better to do. Stop being so goddamn anti-social and brooding all the time!! (that last comment was directed at myself)


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PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2007 7:37 pm 
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Quote:
I know this is the oldest sticking point in the book, but I can't seem to approach. I try to push the fear away but it doesn't work. Does anybody have tips on how to get past this?


Quote:
I know this is the oldest sticking point in the book, but I can't seem to approach. I try to push the fear away but it doesn't work. Does anybody have tips on how to get past this?


..this might not make sense. But you will find your answer by actually approaching. Don't waste your energy trying to push that fear away, use that energy to push youself to approach instead.

I've been in the community for quite sometime, had some success here and there, when i did have the confidence to walk up to the ladies. But i want to be able to do it consistently. Bars are easier i think, it's a place to socialize after all. So i wanted to take it up a notch. Daygame at the mall. I'm thinking, if i can have it down pat at the Mall during Daytime, i wouldn't have problems in the bar. Whether that's true or not, i can already see the effects on myself. I can approach almost anyone at the mall now.


this is a repost from our lair list from last month. And I'm doing better now. Hope this helps..

Quote:
I agree, this is not OT. This is inner game.. having that impenetrable, unshakeable way of walking though life, that you choose whatever it is that you let into you. He was talking about Action-Reaction, 90-10 rule in his 7 Habits Seminar, he briefly touched this subject, i don't remember if this is one of the 'habits'.

90-10 Rule is not new.. you control 10% of things, the percentage is arbitrary.. it simply means that there are things you just can't control, but you can control your reaction to them. This is what Instinct refers to as 'Locus of Control' he read off from a book, and just recently, I read it from 'Mind OS' too, referring to it as the "Personal Boundary'. Even Rougue of X-men told Bishop, while stranded on a Shiar ship, "You can't change your past, but you can change what you feel about them", well something like that, (and it's somewhat related).. Richard Bach's 'Illussions' advocates that people and event gravitates towards you because you 'want' them. Paulo Coelho's Alchemist says that the world conspires for you to achieve your Personal Legend by following 'omens'.. i could go on..

...in a nutshell, this means you have the CHOICE how to react and it's you CHOICE what to allow to 'get into you'. It's you DECISION. If you feel bad it's your decision. Your personal boundary has been breached and it was your choice.

To make this On-Topic. Let's apply this to PU.

We always hear about 'state'.. yesterday.. i was in state (i thought i was), I was waiting for Charm, then these 2 HB9's (yeah 9's) stopped beside me and talked on the phone to avoid the mass of people passing by. I wanted to open, but I can't, my heart was beating inside my chest like a wild monkey in a cage. They left. I thought to myself "Damn!! Is this how it's gonna be today?!" I was out of state.

I was in the 'NOW', but I was thinking of the 'FUTURE'. What if I crash and Burn?! What if they laugh at me?! What if.. what if!! I was looking too far ahead.. I was there, they were there.. i want them.. i should've opened. It was my DECISION, i felt bad about my decision of taking NO ACTION.. it's only with making decision that one feels truly alive. Either bad or good decision.. pain and pleasure makes us feel alive.. and NO ACTION is DEAD... moving along..

I don't remember how many sets Charm opened.. but while walking, he stopped.. faced me and i thought he was talking about a set we already passed by, then these 2set of 6ft+ ladies walked by and they looked real nice from behind.. they were walking like models.. we were there watching them.. my AA kicked in.. 1 sec.. 2 sec.. 3 sec.. 10 sec.. 15.. sec.. they were so far by now.. I don't know what went inside my head, i just thought I'd do it.. I RAN towards them!! hahaha!

Caught up with them and I crashed and Burned!!

I felt very relieved while I was walking back towards Charm.. I was laughing.. I WAS ALIVE!! That was my reaction to the Crash and Burn.

Thinking back on it. It was a CONSTRUCTIVE decision. making decisions makes a person feels ALIVE.. i felt alive. This 'life' fueled my self-esteem and self confidence which are within my personal boundary.. that excludes things that are not within my control, in this example.. the 2HB's reaction to me approaching them.. it's something that I can't control, and mulling over the Crash and Burn wastes energy that should instead be directed to those that are within... and that's 'ME', the way i think, the way I feel, the way i react and the way I look at it are all within my control. And here's where the "people and event gravitates towards you because you 'want' them" and "the world conspires for you to achieve your Personal Legend".. moving on..

After that crash an burn.. we smoked outside. went back in. Charm approached sets.. then on the way up on an escalator, i saw someone i like donwstairs! I told Charm "There! If I will crash and burn, might as well Crash and Burn from the real hot ones! hahaha!". I thought she was gonna take the escalator too.. she didn't, and went walking out of my view.. i went down.. went to the direction she walked to.. can't see her.. then we came to a fork.. where did she go? Charm told me "You can approach her (pointing left) or her, on green shirt (pointing right).. both of them walking away.. I chose the green.. I lost the one i like.. i ran again!! hahaha!

..and here is where i discovered something else. It's known that being a PUA needs COMMITMENT as is anything else. And when you go out there thinking "I'm comitting to this" then back out on the Approach.. let them pass by.. and later run up to them.. and by the time you catch up.. you no longer have AA.. haha! it's a joke but it works.. haha!. And dont put any weight into how beautiful they are, CONSIDER THEM BLANK. They might have the potential to be a 9, they look like 9, but are they really 9? When i ran up to the girl on green shirt, i didn't know what she looked like.. poor eyesight, yeah.. She doesn't know me, I do not know her.. our appraisal of each other are at the shallowest level.. you're on the road upfront a nice gate.. you knock, nobody opened the gate.. nothing lost.. just the minimal effort to knock... it's not like you expected to live there! NEXT!.. ü

So i caught up to her and introduced myself.. another Crash and Burn.. but she was smiling as she left and so was I..

...i pushed through my comfort zone. Nice Decision..ü And back to the 90/10 analogy.. i had my 10% well covered..


..oh and you might want to check out Mind OS. the title sounds corny but it's real good book, it might help.


raki
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PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2007 3:45 pm 
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Yeah Mate nice Advice I would Add this tips for the guys thar are VERY SHY:

* First off all Keep in mind this, u can not run if dont know how to walk
What i mean is that if u ´r feeling ver Anxios with girls, if u got somethin like Gril-o-fobia u can not sarge, so dont try to game girls if u can not talk to them, the main point about these is that U need to force Ur self to talk to Girls about anything But dont try to game them until u r feeling ok with girls.

* Second go Out and talk to anyone U like, Every one, the guy from the 7 elven, The Scout Girl at the street every one , if ur not feeling confortable Just try to say hi to people Hi every one u see.

*Be Funny, Go out and be funny with everyone, do dumb stuff it doesnt matter, this will help u feel ok with urself, remember u can do whtever u like, U wont see again any of the people who might be watching.

* This Might Sound funny but is a Great ADvice I read it from a Psychological Mag in My univerity a Great Method (It Works Great) to feel Confotrable with any one i this :


    Put Ur favorite Song With A High VOlume on YOur room And SIng Ur ASs Off! (Closed Door)

    THen Sing At The BAthroom when u R alne But REally Do It Scream SHout, DAnce.

    Do I AS long AS u want (3days Would Be great)

    THen Do the same procees (i mean the one in your room) BUt This time With YOur Door Open (unlocked). THen The Door completely opened, THen The music Witha lower level than ur Voice.

    And So On It REally, Helps Try It Guys.


Hope U like It MATes, CHeers!

P.D. ANd PLease Forget aBout that stuid ARgument in that many AFC´s Hide. Its Harder In My COuntry That´s Complete Bollocks

Cheers MATes[/list]

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 10:39 pm 
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OMG - I have just been toying with that exact same idea but with a different purpose. I sing and write in a band and while Im good when im 100% sure no one else is listening - the slightest bit of anxiety (ie whenever someone else is around - even band mates) its just enough to put me off key or sounding impassioned etc.

So I have been doing the same thing, singing in my car and KEEPING singing when someone pulls up next to me at a light whatever.

What's also fucked is that I think I have the urge to just sing at random points in my day but I have completly stiffled the urge out of anxiety.

I havent been to the forums in a few eeks and I wwas literally thinking about this for the past few days...I think im gonna turn it up a notch.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 6:49 am 
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awesome post man keep it up, im sure this will help alot of guys even me my self inch by inch


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:51 pm 
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Just what I need
:D

Thanks

yes... I am still a AFC


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 6:06 pm 
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Hi newbies,
DMN wrote:
Just what I need


its nice to give feedbacks to the posts of others, but please dont digg out old posts (Dec 2006) and add standard answers like this...

If you have to add very new infos, yes its joyful that you add them.. but if you only add short standart answes whitout infos then you are "spamming".. all the puas in the community see this post as unread ...

Thanks

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 4:46 pm 
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WHat ive found that really helps with confidence is doing a couple of days marketing for a promotions company. Not only are you walking around getting good exercise and feeling good about the way you look, your also forced to talk to people and build up enough confidence to not care if they reject you, because they will and there is no better way to get used to rejection and pick yourself up like it never happened and move on like marketing.


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