What is it about girls and assholes? Please help...


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2017 1:55 am 
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I could SERIOUSLY use some help with this.why is it that everytime i care about a girl she runs from me, but when i dont give a shit about them they go crazy over me? However, if you act like you dont care too much they eventually leave still...wtf? I could really use some help on where to draw the line.what kind of mindset should i try to adopt to keep my relationships alive? Im not good at pretending not to care....am i just supposed to treat my girlfriends like friends or something? I am so lost....


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2017 4:21 am 
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girls usually like bad boys because they reflect a strong alpha male, you don't need to be a bad boy aka asshole
to retain a woman, you said it yourself when I don't care too much they are all over me, that is probably because they don't see you "needy" therefore you are being your true self, don be a bad boy, be a leader to your girlfriend and future ones, show them you have leadership that you can guide them with a strong arm show them how to be a better women, women love when they find a a man that can lead and leading by all means being not a bad boy or asshole, try that and
she/they will follow, you will see.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2017 8:35 am 
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In other words be decisive, and stay invested in yourself.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2017 9:37 am 
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Women like a man that's centered and does not emotionally need them. It's fine to want, it's not fine to depend. And I'm pretty sure that when you say you 'care' about a woman, you actually mean your happiness depends on her returning the sentiment.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2017 4:23 pm 
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So if you care too much they go..

You care too less they go...

I think logical would suggest that the answer is somewhere right in the middle would it not?

When you're so concerned with someone else that you forgot to care for and attend to yourself their respect for you declines.. and when you're so concerned with yourself that you forget to care about anyone else their respect for you declines.

How do you take care of someone when you're not even taken care of yourself? And how can you be trusted to take care of others when you only care about yourself?

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2017 5:07 pm 
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You are concerning too much about irrelevant stuff, from your post I can be 95% sure that you just don't have that much options regarding women. You should work on yourself and spin as much plates as you can at the same time. It's about mentality, women can be picky, you can't.

That's why when you"don't care" you gauge their attention for a short time until they realize it was just an act and fake.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 2:29 pm 
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Part of the problem with this relationship stuff is the limited sample size. How many serious GFs can have one in a life? Surely it is significantly less than the number of cold approaches. This increases the amount of noise in our interactions. As humans, we can make bad decisions or inferences based on a few cases.

And then the measure of success is tough. Not all relationships should succeed. Unlike a cold approach, it is not successful to just date every girl you meet for a long period of time. Part of the success is picking the right girl to date.

So with these two things in mind, I'd suggest introspection into the types of girls you are pursuing. Often you see guys having troubles because they are going after the wrong target audience. Second, I'd suggest you be deliberate in parsing out what seems to need improvement in you vs. how you may be picking incorrectly. Things like confidence, knowing how much attention is enough, etc. come with experience and confidence. But even then, different girls want different things from their guy (just like you want different emotional things from girls).

I didn't read any other replies, but also remember that these two issues above also make most of the advice in this section lower quality. This relationship stuff is harder to tease out fundamental truths, but people are quick to assume they've figured it out

Good luck

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2017 4:37 am 
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Eddie Fews wrote:
So if you care too much they go..

You care too less they go...

I think logical would suggest that the answer is somewhere right in the middle would it not?

When you're so concerned with someone else that you forgot to care for and attend to yourself their respect for you declines.. and when you're so concerned with yourself that you forget to care about anyone else their respect for you declines.

How do you take care of someone when you're not even taken care of yourself? And how can you be trusted to take care of others when you only care about yourself?


like it eddie, is very profound, I understand it perfectly, I have been there and been rejected for those reasons.
is very hard for some to find the middle point, this is one of the few mind games or states Im good at it, it took me years to be good at it but once you master it you do it automatically and it works 100%


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2017 4:56 pm 
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Thank you all or your replys, especially yours eddie, that was very helpfull.so i take it that im to follow my gut and if i feel like shes being disrespectful or is pulling way, i should do the same.and if she's being affectionate i do the same? And is it ok to let a girl know it bothers me when she pulls away or should i simply pull away and act like i havent noticed?


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2017 6:29 pm 
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Billydee1995 wrote:
Thank you all or your replys, especially yours eddie, that was very helpfull.so i take it that im to follow my gut and if i feel like shes being disrespectful or is pulling way, i should do the same.and if she's being affectionate i do the same? And is it ok to let a girl know it bothers me when she pulls away or should i simply pull away and act like i havent noticed?



So basically what you're saying is " I'll let her be my leader and i'll will react vindictively like her toward everything she does" - Sounds just like the girl in the relationship.

And it all depends on why its bothering you. Thats something you should figure out on your own first before you bring it to anyones attention. Does it bother you because you don't have much going on and spend most of your time thinking about her? Or does it bother you because you require more affection or attention from your partner to be content in a monogamous relationship? Or something else.. If its the latter then it needs to be brought to no ones attention but your own. If its the other, bringing it to her attention is of low use. It's up to you to figure out "what can be done about it" and bring it to her attention with a solution you think could improve it for you both. You don't just want to bitch and complain about her. You want to inform her of you, and instruct her(if she doesn't know) on how she could better accommodate your needs.

And if you still find her to be incapable, then you make want to be a bit more selective before making commitments.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2017 9:30 pm 
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Eddie Fews wrote:
Billydee1995 wrote:
Thank you all or your replys, especially yours eddie, that was very helpfull.so i take it that im to follow my gut and if i feel like shes being disrespectful or is pulling way, i should do the same.and if she's being affectionate i do the same? And is it ok to let a girl know it bothers me when she pulls away or should i simply pull away and act like i havent noticed?



So basically what you're saying is " I'll let her be my leader and i'll will react vindictively like her toward everything she does" - Sounds just like the girl in the relationship.

And it all depends on why its bothering you. Thats something you should figure out on your own first before you bring it to anyones attention. Does it bother you because you don't have much going on and spend most of your time thinking about her? Or does it bother you because you require more affection or attention from your partner to be content in a monogamous relationship? Or something else.. If its the latter then it needs to be brought to no ones attention but your own. If its the other, bringing it to her attention is of low use. It's up to you to figure out "what can be done about it" and bring it to her attention with a solution you think could improve it for you both. You don't just want to bitch and complain about her. You want to inform her of you, and instruct her(if she doesn't know) on how she could better accommodate your needs.

And if you still find her to be incapable, then you make want to be a bit more selective before making commitments.


I see what your saying, but how is that being vindictive if im simply giving her the same effort she gives me? Isnt push/pull important in any relationship?


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 12:21 am 
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Billydee1995 wrote:
Eddie Fews wrote:
Billydee1995 wrote:
Thank you all or your replys, especially yours eddie, that was very helpfull.so i take it that im to follow my gut and if i feel like shes being disrespectful or is pulling way, i should do the same.and if she's being affectionate i do the same? And is it ok to let a girl know it bothers me when she pulls away or should i simply pull away and act like i havent noticed?



So basically what you're saying is " I'll let her be my leader and i'll will react vindictively like her toward everything she does" - Sounds just like the girl in the relationship.

And it all depends on why its bothering you. Thats something you should figure out on your own first before you bring it to anyones attention. Does it bother you because you don't have much going on and spend most of your time thinking about her? Or does it bother you because you require more affection or attention from your partner to be content in a monogamous relationship? Or something else.. If its the latter then it needs to be brought to no ones attention but your own. If its the other, bringing it to her attention is of low use. It's up to you to figure out "what can be done about it" and bring it to her attention with a solution you think could improve it for you both. You don't just want to bitch and complain about her. You want to inform her of you, and instruct her(if she doesn't know) on how she could better accommodate your needs.

And if you still find her to be incapable, then you make want to be a bit more selective before making commitments.


I see what your saying, but how is that being vindictive if im simply giving her the same effort she gives me? Isnt push/pull important in any relationship?


Im saying that you should be setting the tone. You're leading so she's reacting to you. Once you get into the "tit for tat" the relationship is probably on its final legs. There should be a level of respect present in which she respects the tone you set and follows it. Women make mistakes, but once a woman respects you she shouldn't be giving you much need to play "mean tag" with her. That usually only takes place once the respect has already been loss. The rebuilding/building of respect should be the focus so that disrespect is minimal to non-existent.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 2:08 am 
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And it all depends on why its bothering you. Thats something you should figure out on your own first before you bring it to anyones attention. Does it bother you because you don't have much going on and spend most of your time thinking about her? Or does it bother you because you require more affection or attention from your partner to be content in a monogamous relationship? Or something else.. If its the latter then it needs to be brought to no ones attention but your own. If its the other, bringing it to her attention is of low use. It's up to you to figure out "what can be done about it" and bring it to her attention with a solution you think could improve it for you both. You don't just want to bitch and complain about her. You want to inform her of you, and instruct her(if she doesn't know) on how she could better accommodate yo
Im saying that you should be setting the tone. You're leading so she's reacting to you. Once you get into the "tit for tat" the relationship is probably on its final legs. There should be a level of respect present in which she respects the tone you set and follows it. Women make mistakes, but once a woman respects you she shouldn't be giving you much need to play "mean tag" with her. That usually only takes place once the respect has already been loss. The rebuilding/building of respect should be the focus so that disrespect is minimal to non-existent.[/quote]

I think i get what your saying.so lets say i text her and shes short/unresponsive, by take the lead you mean i should communicate and say something along the lines of "i get the vibe that you dont wanna talk right now, and thats fine but in the future you need to just tell me that instead of being short with me" ?


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 08, 2017 5:34 am 
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Billydee1995 wrote:
Eddie Fews wrote:
Billydee1995 wrote:
Thank you all or your replys, especially yours eddie, that was very helpfull.so i take it that im to follow my gut and if i feel like shes being disrespectful or is pulling way, i should do the same.and if she's being affectionate i do the same? And is it ok to let a girl know it bothers me when she pulls away or should i simply pull away and act like i havent noticed?



So basically what you're saying is " I'll let her be my leader and i'll will react vindictively like her toward everything she does" - Sounds just like the girl in the relationship.

And it all depends on why its bothering you. Thats something you should figure out on your own first before you bring it to anyones attention. Does it bother you because you don't have much going on and spend most of your time thinking about her? Or does it bother you because you require more affection or attention from your partner to be content in a monogamous relationship? Or something else.. If its the latter then it needs to be brought to no ones attention but your own. If its the other, bringing it to her attention is of low use. It's up to you to figure out "what can be done about it" and bring it to her attention with a solution you think could improve it for you both. You don't just want to bitch and complain about her. You want to inform her of you, and instruct her(if she doesn't know) on how she could better accommodate your needs.

And if you still find her to be incapable, then you make want to be a bit more selective before making commitments.


I see what your saying, but how is that being vindictive if im simply giving her the same effort she gives me? Isnt push/pull important in any relationship?
because effort as you have defined it is predicated on you knowing how much she is giving. People give in different ways in relationships. Unless you are a mind-reader you truly do not know her motives, or for that matter how much she is truly giving in the relationship. Yet somehow are you are keeping a mental inventory of what you're doing and what you're receiving. And that to me is the most dangerous tendency of all in a relationship.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 08, 2017 5:43 am 
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Signals that a relationship is turning toxic:

-tit-for-tat and it's lead-up to playing Moral Exemplar/Judge of what's right/wrong (and subsequently the one doling-out the punishment)
-relationship threats (real or implied)
-looking outward to have needs met
-constantly speaking to friends and others rather than turning towards your partner to resolve matters (which is partially the glue to a strong relationship)

I can go on but for the sake of keeping this on track...

Think of a relationship as a raft in a river.

The two of you get into this raft. What's the sequence of events that follows? Here I'll help.

-get into the raft together
-each take hold of a paddle
-stir cooperatively forward
-probably going to encounter the occasional eddy and current, rock etc u'll have to navigate through together
-probably get stuck along the way (or as in the case of Codependency a paddle is lost and the two of you soon are wrestling over the remaining one)
-continue on down the waterway
-pull over to a rock so one of you can get out to take a piss and the other have an energy bar and rehydrate (here's where either one of you steps out the relationship to meet your own needs/care for yourself <---a crucial piece and reminder to staying invested in one's self)

continue on the sequence if you like...

So in the tit-for-tat case using the raft metaphor you're basically keeping track of her strokes of the paddle. Rather than cooperating together to keep on with your journey. Keep this up and you don't have to be a fortune teller to figure out that this raft will either head off a waterfall or one of you will abandon it altogether.


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