kasabi, thanks for the hard advice, really appreciate it. you've given me much to think about:
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What I'm saying is that by the time women display some "visual signs" that a relationship isn't working, she's already made up her mind and could already be fucking somebody else. They typically give the guy negative vibes at this point to shift the responsibility of cheating to the guy. "See . . it's YOUR fault" (Without ever even having to say it.)
This could be true, although I'm somewhat sure she isn't fucking somebody else yet. Yep I'm aware that it will probably happen, and part of the negative vibes she's giving me might be due to that. I feel that I have a limited time to get out of the "LJBF" zone and back to being her passionate lover.
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Your #1 goal seems to be "Recovery". "I want to be together with her! I want to be together with her!" - But what is it that you're really trying to save here?
You are allowing her to use her crazy ass female moody crap as a weapon to train you into her little pet. "I'll change for you. . . " Are you kidding? Why not just cut your balls off now and stuff it in a jar for her? Think about the cycle you're creating here. Let's say that you somehow leverage your doormat skills to win her emotions back. How do you think she will respond to anything that goes wrong in the future? (Believe me, this is life. . . and you've only been together for a year. You will face MANY more challenges for sure) I'll tell you what she will do. She will AGAIN be a cold fish to you. she will deny you sex. she might fuck around (You don't know ANYTHING) but she will of course for certain flirt with others (which typically leads to fucking around)
Is this what you want? Do you want to be with a girl who runs you like a little pet? I know where you are. You're thinking . . . "I love her and I will fight for her at all costs, blah, blah, blah . . ." Go ahead and let me know how this works out for you once she gains a few pounds, shows some wrinkles, and you've been together long enough so you're well aware of her intellect. What do you have left at that point? How will SHE adapt to changes in your future "for better or for worse"(sorry for the pun)
What is it i'm really trying to save? I want this relationship to be back where it used to be, passionate, loving. It had all the qualities I would say I want in a LTR. (I know this is a very optimistic/naive view)
You are right, I have to stop being a doormat. Your comment about the few pounds, some wrinkles, has actually happened, she's put on weight. We've been together a short time, but I really like her for her way of thinking. I know I risk sounding like a hopeless romantic here. I'm not really defending myself, I feel many of your points are valid, but not all to the same extent. But the general idea is right, that I should stop being a pet!
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Here's where you go:
1. You don't make announcements for your efforts at "putting everything you can" into this relationship. You don't tell her you'll "change" for her. This is like telling her that when you did the above exercise, you felt a vagina down there instead of balls.
2. Start gaming her all over again. You have to STOP this "I did this wrong, I did that wrong, I have to make it better" song of yours. Start DOING things like:
You call her up at work and go, "Hey, what are you doing for dinner?" ("I don't know" is standard answer) So you go, "Well, now you do. I just found this recipe for _______. It'll be great." And just have a great time like nothing ever happened.
"I just heard about this _______ place that makes a killer latte. Why don't we bring a couple of books there and kill a day. It'll be fun."
Bars, parks, malls, etc . . .etc . . .
Just try it out . . . but you I would suggest you really, really give a serious thought to what you're doing here.
Thanks for your tips in that aspect. Yes I'm aware I need to game her all over again. I used to be fairly decent at gaming, then I got into this one-titis thing, and over the course of our relationship I became a wuss/doormat. I'm beginning to take steps to reverse this.
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1. Your first "excuse" is that you put "too much" into this to give up now. Hey, isn't that what they're saying about the war in Iraq these days? If a stock is dropping in price, when do you want to sell it? (Yeah, yeah . . . that's what EVERYBODY says but what do ALL the losers do?)
Yes you're right, it is an excuse. But, rather, I meant I feel like I should have a little determination and persistence when I want to pursue something (in this case her). And having come so far down the road, yes I can turn away/back anytime, but why not go just a little further and see what it brings?
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2. Well so far, you haven't shown us one unique thing about this girl. What's your reference point for "uniqueness"? Because this one sure sounds like a typical junior varsity balls crusher to me.
I have a very skeptical view of uniqueness, that yes, everybody is unique. It's just, we've talked about the future, about sharing our lives with one another, and I'm really keen to live out that dream. Or rather, give it a shot. I know, many things will never come true, but then again, I want to risk this. I didn't tell much about how she is unique, partially because I don't see the point, and also it'll take a while to type.
I might reply in more detail later, have to go to work now.