hey guys

ok, like some of you may have read in the other post i wrote
i have a LDR (long distance relationship. still waiting for
Locke's post on that with thrill ).
she and i are deeply together and I yes i am totally in love
with her as much as it is possible being apart all the time.
(Un)fortunately she is SO great that there are always a lot
of other guys who try to steal/get her. Since she and i are
really REALLY deep and we both value our relationship, as hard
as it is, i don't feel especially threatened.

Well until today that is, when this guy friend of hers whom
she really likes (as a friend) made a move on her.
she just told me over chat that they were very badly drunk,
he had a depression and lots of other pain and those 2 were
always (they know each other roughly a year now. they study
in the same university) great friends. She says that he is
an incredible and awesome guy and she has been sad that he
is in depression. from what i hear, he has a lot
of the qualities that my girl likes in men.
well anyway, he kissed her after bringin her to her dorm after
a part. (she told me that he did it in a way I do, and up till
then i was the only guy who ever kissed her like that)
then he pulled back and apologized. there are a lot of reasons
and complications besides me being her bf that those 2 wouldnt
work out. (he is her best friends ex-bf and she really loves
him still). she told me straight out that she doesn't want to
start up smth with him and loves me alone. but she was also
honest enough to tell me that she felt a good feeling when
he kissed her. she said that she felt touched. well besides
being all like "oh shit wtf just happened i have a bf and he's
my gf's ex!!! im in trouble!!".

I dont think they would start up smth. but im feeling
very very uneasy and im fucking afraid that she would still
fall for him. i mean he is apparently very popular and alpha,
a very sweet guy, smth she REALLY loves. also most of all,
he is there where she lives, and i am far away.

what should my attitude towards this be now? i already told her
that if she doesn't feel for him, we'd be okay. i tried to
come off as cool about it as possible, cuz i dont figure a
real alpha man would go mad at smth like this.

besides that, more generally put, i dont believe in loyalty
for loyalties sake. I am aware that she could cheat on me,
especially since we are in a LDR. what i'd like to know is,
what can i do so that she will still stick to me in the long run?

thanks for ur replies
~base_player

hopefully you will not be waiting too long


Keep in mind man, that a long distance relationship is still just a relationship. The only difference is the added geographical boundary; which creates additional ways of processing and dealing with certain situations; however, the basics still apply. There are several basic characteristics you bring up here:

trust
communication
and security (comfort)

I'll start from the bottom of your thread and work my way up.

She could cheat on you. Are you giving her permission? Are you accepting that? Or are you pointing out that it might happen?

Long distance relationships are things of the independent. The people who are very strong willed, independent, and free spirited excel at LDR's. As I stated before, both parties love the freedom the relationship provides -- it allows for growth and flexibility.

Every relationship is different; you have to ask yourself - is the monogamy going to deter their growth and or experiences? I believe that until the two of you know 100% you want to commit, that you hold off on exclusive-status. I'm not saying sleep around... but I am saying avoid labeling. It will lead to influenced decisions - and if she is not ready to be influenced in that way, there is a strong chance that she will feel held back. That will instill resentment.

So another man has come into the picture. You trust her, but also feel uneasy. She is comfortable with you, yet has the physical security of him.

It is FINE to feel a little uneasy. You are not there to reinforce your existence in her mind. How strong is your dynamic, and how deep is your relationship? There are no certain ways you should feel right now. But yes, there are some guidelines on how you should act. Not specifics - you're allowed to be a little jealous, unsure, etc. That's how you feel about it; if you two are that deep, then she has a right to know how you feel. Just don't turn it from reasonable feelings to extreme irrationality, and you'll be fine.

You have some options on how you want to proceed:

1.) Request that she respect your relationship and not openly discuss her dealings with other men.

Or

2.) explain to her that you are not expecting undeniable exclusivity, but that if she ever finds herself emotionally involved with another man, that you need to know (so you can leave; wouldn't be fair, otherwise)

3.) bring up monogamy and start talking about solely seeing each other.


remember man, you can't control or direct the other persons feelings. You can't do anything to make sure she "sticks" with you. You can be the awesome person she is in a relationship with. If you try to intervene and direct her emotions, I assure you, you will push her away (jealousy, mistrust, insecurity, power role - just a few of the negative things that she might view you having)

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