Hi friends,

I'm dating since a couple of months with this girl, I think were getting on pretty well. The problem is that her ex boyfriend is calling, messaging her all the time, he wants to get back together.
I talked with her a bit, she doesn't talk very easily about it, and what I understood is that she has told him that she is sleeping with me, but hasn't told him that we are together and her feelings about me (she says she loves me). She said she wants to keep him as a friend, cause they were together for 5 years and doesn't want to make him more sad than what he is.
I advised her to tell him the truth, but I don't know what they are talking about all the time.
They have also made an appointment to see each other and talk, I don't feel insecure or anything, if she wants to go she can go. But this situation is slowly getting on my nerves, what I am thinking is that she could be lying to be or will do something stupid in the future putting me in a difficult situation.

Any suggestions how to deal with it?

If this is bothering you, put it on the table. She needs to know that you are not cool with them hanging out. Be prepared for a fight if you initiate the conversation. Logically, she should not jeopardise a current relationship that is going well for the sake of keeping in touch with an old BF. But logic has nothing to do with feelings, and a 5 year old relationship does not fade away so easily. I've been in this situation before and it's a bad place to be. It could be that she's not over him and she's using you to get over her feelings for him or simply because she's not used to be alone. It's a tough situation...

Personally I would next her to save myself the bullshit, lies and inevitable heartache.

Honestly I somewhat agree with rough operator. But it's much easier for us to say this than for you who is in this situation to actually do it. 5 years is a long time and you have significantly less time and thus less attachment from her. All you can do is not act needy, don't give her an ultimatum about never talking to him again and try to make yourself the better option. 9 times out of 10 then (unless your game is strum tight or she is incredibly into you) this will probably end badly for you, so brace yourself and don't get to attached.

yeah, nexting her is definitely crossing my mind but this is a pretty common situation, other 2 ex-girlfriends have had the same problem and I have done it also once in the past.
Chances are that even if I next this one, I will come across the same situation again in the future. I'm just trying to keep calm, don't want to rush any decisions now.

My 3 cents. Do you have any itel on how were their relationships before? Like was she happy and he broke up for whatever reason or she just get bored and get out of it? If the first a shiny red flag could be there. How do u feel overally about your current relationship? Does she sees you as the best man she ever met or just some normal guy to hang out with? Again that is important. You have to be the best option and only than you need no worry about it. She may likely still have feelings for him but so what, keep rolling and fuck her well, be cool. I know it is a tough situation and I've been through something similar. I would not advice to next but maybe try to talk to some of your ex also. Make her feel how that shit feels and don't let yourself be attached or it can hurt one day.

she said the first years was pretty happy, but the last year she found out he was regularly cheating on her but didn't break up with him, although her heart was broken. They broke up after she met me, now the guy is not acting very savvy, calling her like 20 times per day, crying on the phone, begging her to go back, etc.
I guess I'm a better option for her, sex is also good we have spent also quality time together, a couple of travels. What is worrying me is not really that she would leave me but that she may do smt stupid, lie to me, piss me off, etc.

Ok man, I've been through something like that but less severe. I feel you very well. Her ex is basically an abuser. She is not over it at all. Abusers come like very nice guys, then they mistrait, then another time they good again and the rollercoaster keep going. It is like drugs. I tell you more, she feels guilty that she left him. Damn rediculas to hear it for normal ppl, but she does. You cannot even imgaine what that abuser put in her head. It is tough.

We worked it through with my gf because she saw me better, so does this girl since she is with you. Also I proved her that ex is a typic abuser and scumbag, obsessed dude, it has nothing to do with true love.

In your case, the worse she says she wants to be friends with him. My gf told me the same but at least she realized that she cannot be friends with him, *becuase* he would try any chance of positive communication to get back with her, so she realized it and went no contact with him after he pressed really hard on her.

But again your case looks way more severe. It is not a joke to deal with this kind of phycologic damange. To the worse she does not look to have a deep connection with you yet as she is still keep talking to him and avoid converstions about this situation. You need to deepen the connection and gain more trust so she opens up. Try boyfriend destroyer also, but use it in the context. She is the one to realize that what is going on is redicuals. Ultimatimus or next won't work here.

I might envisage the worse scenario also - she might just want to pay him back with making an afair with another guy and then come back to him or dump you both. Girls like revenge and roller coasters. Be aware.

Keep your sanity and don't attach but do deepen the connection and call feeling in her heart. She says she loves you - well it does not mean much unless she says she cannot be without you.

But personally me, if I would not see that girl as the one who might bring me kids, I would leave her to save my nerves.

If he is literally crying on the phone then I can't imagine she sees him as particularly attractive.

However, if he is doing that he may have said things like "I will kill myself" etc to guilt her. Classic signs of an abuser. She might feel tremendous guilt at what she is doing, you need to get her to recognise that.

I have never been in this situation because if you screen your properly this doesn't happen. However if this bothers you you tell her. "Baby it bothers me that you talk to your ex". That's it. If she doesn't change this then you can decide to let her go or not.
However I wouldn't next her without talking to her at least.

yeah, I should talk with her about it, i just didn't want to seem needy or controling but I guess it doesn't really matter. She told me they are going to meet tomorrow, told her I don't like that but I can't tell her what to do.

Sucky situation. The honest truth is you've only been together for 2 months and she was with him for 5 years. He doesn't sound like an abuser; they broke up.... she has had this little relationship in between...he begs her back with promises to change and she may take him back. No abuse here, she has made the choice to see him. Most likely this is where they talk and she gives him a shot. Sucks to say but she could go back to him and she isn't over him. Be prepared for the worst and next time try not to date a girl who has feelings for her ex or recently out of a LTR.

ok, if she is honest about it I can't do anything but accept it. What I'm afraid is that she may lie to me, because she doesn't want to lose me...

Her choosing to meet him says alot. It means she would jeopardize your current rs for the feelings of a cheating ex. She is putting your feelings below his. Messed up part is, in this type of situation you don't know what's going on in her head so you're in limbo. She could want to give it a chance with him; she could just want to give him a final talk for closure. Hope it works out.