If everyone knew about (and integrated) NVC into their lives, this board wouldn't exist and therapists would largely be out of a work. Thank god that's not the case as I need the money lol.

I just see a pattern repeating with the OP, tbh. That is, looking for explanations and hope that don't mean this is ending. One moment it's you've been too busy and in work mode for her to want sex. Now its because she's busy. To summarize reasons:

Your work mode
You lost her trust
You havent been social lately
She's busy and stressed
She's on hormones
She wanted emotional talks and you didnt
She wanted independance
Her parents live here and are overbearing
She wants casual talk
She has resentment over moving here
I havent been listening to her needs
She's confused at what she wants
She's younger and different places in life
She takes out her stresses on you


I'll stop there. Now you're at a place where you've broken through to figuring out " Oh...my needs arent even that important!" The general theme is, I see you focused on THIS MUST WORK...ITS JUST XYZ. So when I see you talk about NVC, and take away from it what you did, I just see another denial and search for hope. Is the dry spell with sex caused by her being busy? If so, whats all the other stuff? And how does having a conversation that leads to sex make her unbusy that night? All these reasons, dont add up. The thing is, as Jack said most guys who come to this section...its the same story. There's always reasons why things have gone bad...shes on hormones, she's sick, I need to give her space, she doesnt trust me over X, its not ending...she just did XYZ for me...we had a good talk...oh crap its over. Thats not to make you doubt your situation or your gf...maybe she moves back and you move to her and things go great. But, for some reason...its evident...YOU NEED THIS TO WORK. Maybe its your age, maybe its something else, but when I see someone so fixated on the relationship, with reason after reason, they NEED it to work. I'd love for you and your gf to work out, I'm just asking you to be honest with yourself on why you need it to work out. That way regardless of the outcome you're in a better place.

What neo is saying, and something I'd alluded to earlier, deserves some reflection.

The looking-to-her behavior to know all is well with the relationship is a dangerous prospect. That's symptomatic of codependency; Marshall Rosenberg talks about this early-on in NVC - the concept he calls Emotional Slavery; we see ourselves as responsible for others' feelings, and others' as responsible for our feelings. In this it appears as though you've made her responsible for your happiness, or at least your feeling a success as a man (the fallacy that real men 'fix').

It is true that learning to hear needs instead of judgments, evaluations, and diagnosis makes a huge difference in the way we communicate with people. However, I caution you to be using this as a way to 'fix' her or the relationship. If that's your intent then you may find yourself even more frustrated and disappointed.

NVC can help you become far more connected to people (and yourself) then you've ever dreamt possible. But you also have to unhinge yourself from outcome. What I mean by this is surrender to the notion that if this relationship doesn't work, then that's ok. You're learning something new that u'll carry with you into your interactions with others, and it will help you immensely with your next relationship, should this one falter.

I am not forecasting that it will end, just that if you free yourself up from HAVING to make this work it will liberate you from all this unneeded stress and anxiety you're creating through thought.

The "I must have a relationship (any relationship) to feel whole", or "If the relationship fails, I am a failure" belief is as Marshall Rosenberg would say, a suicidal (or tragic) expression of an unmet need(s).

Lets pretend I said this

lol its yours

I see what you guys are saying and I definitely believe that the NVC will help our relationship. I understand what you both are saying about this situation and I suppose part of me does feel the need for it to work out. If I didn't have that desire to keep putting in effort when at times she seemed to stop, I think I would have given up on the relationship. Now whether that was the right response or not, I personally would rather continue to try to understand what is happening than react to her responses and give up. I don't necessarily feel like if this ends then my life is over. I explained that I do have my own life and my own plan. However, there's no doubt I'd rather it work than not. I can see how my desire to make this work and not give up on it could lead to problems. How can I take a more balanced approach to reduce this?

From my point of view there must be a reason the relationship has faltered. The reasons I've listed are some of them and even though I can't say for certain that correcting them will save the relationship, all I can do is try. I agree that I feel a need to be with her and at least try to make things work. However, I don't think I am necessarily in denial. Maybe it won't work, and all I can do on my end is try to eliminate the reasons she has told me for why the relationship has been hurt. Does that make sense? I guess I am hoping that fixing these problems has a positive impact and if it doesn't then I at least tried. I think I'm pretty spot on with why it isnt working and I do believe it's a salvageable relationship. She's stated the same. If it doesn't work out then once again, I did my part to keep it alive.

I do believe I'll feel less like a man or desirable if this goes south, as I do at times with other things like not having sex with her. I agree there is truth in both of your posts. My motivation to be in this relationship isn't to just know I can keep one though.

My words are a bit cautionary as I've been where you are now. I learned NVC out of a desperate attempt to salvage a 3.5 year on/off again relationship with an ex of mine. Using NVC I was able to hear the desperation behind her relationship threats, and that disarmed my becoming reactive to hearing her say "we're DONE!". Instead getting to the need and connecting to it whether it was for empathy, space, respect etc.. There's no doubt that NVC can dramatically alter the relationship dynamic. In spite of my efforts and my new way of framing her behavior, I realized she was unwilling to meet my need for connection, intimacy, respect, and mutuality.

The reason I am sharing this with you is that if you're coming at the situation with your partner with a 'fix-it' energy then that's missing the point of what NVC is all about.

Rosenberg gets into detail as to why trying to fix is inherently suicidal. Unfortunately that's how most males in today's society have been educated to believe. Fixing behavior fosters co-dependency in that you're trying to control another person's feeling state. You may think well "what's the problem there if I just want them to be happy?". When you assume responsibility for the way another person feels, you feel responsible for when they're happy, but you also feel responsible for when they are unhappy.

You cannot fix a relationship, you can only fix yourself, that's the point I am trying to get across. And this is what NVC is really about, connecting to 'what's alive in you', as well as connecting to what's alive in someone else - in other words connecting to the heart first through feelings, and then to the associated need(s) underlying those feelings.

For anything to work with this girl you've got to disabuse yourself from the notion that you can fix it. The truth is YOU CAN'T.

You can, however, use this as an amazing opportunity to work on yourself. When we're in relationships it shines the light on our own issues, whatever they may be - a person can grow far more in a 3 year failed relationship than stranded alone on a desert island for 10.

How do you stop fixing? You stop. You surrender. That is it.

Surrender to what will be. You may gain a lot of great insight into her, and your own behavior, but be aware that not everyone is willing to meet your needs - in which case there are billions of other people on the planet who are able, and willing to.

I see what you are all saying. I guess in my intentions are the hope that what I am or what I become or who I am will be enough to make her love me and make her want to be in this relationship with me. Even though it's almost an unconscious force, I am trying to fix the relationship through means of fixing myself in both of our eyes. Which means I am taking responsibility for the relationship failing because I am assuming that her lack of interest is something I am responsible for and can fix. That need to fix myself led me to this so I am grateful. However, I can't come from the perspective of being worthy of love or not, nor being a good or bad person. It's hard, and I will have trouble with that, especially since so much pick up has taught me to hate myself at times out of fear of being unlovable by the definition of what a woman wants. I've done some soul searching with the last few posts and I've realized that I really do feel like she is the "one" and that I haven't imagined myself with someone else. That's something I didn't realize. Maybe it's why I am fighting for this to work. I also know that she checks in on Facebook and things that seem "unbusy" but hasn't texted me yet this morning. I personally have been wanting to hear from her and I often feel this way, very much the same way I did at the beginning of our relationship. I can't say for certain, but I can accept now if she doesn't feel that same way. I can't change that necessarily. As much as pick up has tried to tell me I can change how someone feels towards me and I can "control" their emotions. I guess that wasn't true and I am still holding onto that lie for hope.

"I see what you are all saying. I guess in my intentions are the hope that what I am or what I become or who I am will be enough to make her love me and make her want to be in this relationship with me."

You cant EVER make somebody love you. Its a paradox in itself because if you loved yourself you'd feel no need to sell yourself to anyone else, you'd accept yourself just as you are irrespective of how other people feel towards you (and yes this is the difference between somebody who lives in "abundance" vs one who lives out of a "scarcity" mindset).


Do you define love as a feeling or a need?

If it's a feeling, the feeling of love (e.g. warm gushy feelings towards someone) exists only in the moment like any other feeling. I may feel angry one moment, and joy at another.

If defined as a need, then define what the need love looks like to you - this gets into that love language stuff Gary Chapman (see 5 Love Languages). For example to some people the need for love is met through gift giving/receiving, others its physical touch or reassurance, etc..

Yea I have love as a need and particularly as attention and gestures that make me feel important and appreciated.

At least that's what I am craving from her.

Further, I see what you mean by needing to love oneself but aren't there benefits that come from someone loving me as well? Her giving herself to me. That's something I can desire whether I love myself or not? The only problem is that I can't necessarily control whether she does that or not.

Not doable.

Attention and gestures don't tell a person what you're desiring for them to do to meet that need, in this case love.

The Needs Request has to be specific and actionable. So the question for you to explore with yourself is how do you feel you're receiving attention. Does that mean 3 texts a day? chat before bed? having a 'date night' every Saturday? Without specifics "attention" is vague and you'll continue having unmet needs with vague language that doesn't let the other person know WHAT you'd like to receive from them.

If my need is respect, and I tell you "I need for you to respect me, just respect me" that doesn't tell you how to meet that need it just lets you know my need for respect isn't being met.

putting the need into the right context is hard. I think my need sprung from seeing her on Facebook but I still haven't received a text. I haven't texted her, and I don't want to get into why she hasn't texted me because I can't know the motivation.

I know this is in the wrong format but:

I feel the need for her to text me in the morning when she is free because it makes me feel important and recognized. I also think it starkly contrasts my desire to talk to her and what seems like her inability or lack of desire to do the same. But that is suggestive.

One thing I just realized is that I never feel these needs when I am single and that when I get into a relationship I inevitably change myself to be more their type. I never feel the need for being important or recognized otherwise. It's almost like my expectations of what a relationship should be like causes me pain when I don't have a partner who acts that way and it becomes a need of mine for them to match that. Whereas otherwise I wouldn't normally care if someone texted me in the morning.