GF playing victim. How to handle?


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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 6:29 am 
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Long story short, my gf and I were trying to get together at her place tonight as she wanted me to sleep over but due to circumstances it didn't happen. (Note she has class tomorrow morning)

Her: You're welcome to come over for a sleepover if you want. I'm headed back to my place now.
(1 hour later) Me: Yeah that works
Her: Ok see you soon
Her: Lemme know when you're here

Me: Ok
Her: How much longer bc I'm going to go to sleep soon
Me: 25 min
Her: Oh I'll probably be asleep by then
Me: Are you going to be up or not when I come?
Her: ^
Me: Ok I won't come.
Her: Okay we can plan on another day
Me: Tell me a day in advance. I'm not doing anymore last minute plans.
[color=#FF00FF]Her: Well I thought you would leave right away. I'm not going to wait all night for you.. Then when you get here you're gonna be expecting sex and I can't do that tonight. So if you still wanna come I can wait 20 min but no sex. If yo uwant sex we can reschedule.[/color]
Me: I never said I'd leave right away. You could've asked. This isn't about sex. I'm not going to come b/c you said you were going to be sleeping. Anyways, Let me know ahead of time when you wanna get together
Her: Well that's why I said I would be asleep bc of sex. I can wait for you til 1230 if you want to sleep here. I already made the beds and I'm laying down. When you come we would go right to sleep though. I can do that.... but if we are going to be having sex, eating, etc... then i would rather we together another day.
Me: Get together another day
Her: Okay sounds good. I'm going to go to sleep now goodnight
Her: I'm scared
Her: My back and arms hurt really bad


(Note she does have a history of her back and arm pain)


Now judging by how she's texting me, SO FAR, I know I've played it right. (I.e., if I would've agreed to come, which would also mean that I would allow myself to be jerked around, I know for a fact she'd be moody AND I'd have to play to all her restrictions tonight)

Anyways my question is to you is the last 2 texts from her. How do I handle this? My gut is telling me she is exaggerating her symptoms, if any, to make me feel bad and come to her. (But i know if I come I'm allowing myself to be jerked around. I'm not doing it) So I haven't responded to her text. I just don't know how, or even if I should? Do I wake up in the morning and say something?


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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 7:17 am 
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Regular Guy wrote:
Now judging by how she's texting me, SO FAR, I know I've played it right. (I.e., if I would've agreed to come, which would also mean that I would allow myself to be jerked around, I know for a fact she'd be moody AND I'd have to play to all her restrictions tonight)


Why do you feel the need to play anything with your girlfriend?
Do you act this way with your friends? Does agreeing to go out for a few beers "on their terms" mean allowing yourself to be jerked around?

Regular Guy wrote:
Anyways my question is to you is the last 2 texts from her. How do I handle this? My gut is telling me she is exaggerating her symptoms, if any, to make me feel bad and come to her. (But i know if I come I'm allowing myself to be jerked around. I'm not doing it) So I haven't responded to her text. I just don't know how, or even if I should? Do I wake up in the morning and say something?


To be honest, your entire interaction is weird. There's obvious tension between you and that's because of unresolved past conflicts. There's passive aggression in both your tones.
Stop playing stupid games with your girlfriend. They do nothing but poison the relationship.
If you want to see her, go. If not, don't.
If you're bothered by something, communicate.

Victim is an exaggeration here. She may be looking for attention, but at the same time you're putting up an act as well.

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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 12:00 pm 
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Regular Guy wrote:
Long story short, my gf and I were trying to get together at her place tonight as she wanted me to sleep over but due to circumstances it didn't happen. (Note she has class tomorrow morning)

Her: You're welcome to come over for a sleepover if you want. I'm headed back to my place now.
(1 hour later) Me: Yeah that works
Her: Ok see you soon
Her: Lemme know when you're here

Me: Ok
Her: How much longer bc I'm going to go to sleep soon
Me: 25 min
Her: Oh I'll probably be asleep by then
Me: Are you going to be up or not when I come?
Her: ^
Me: Ok I won't come.
Her: Okay we can plan on another day
Me: Tell me a day in advance. I'm not doing anymore last minute plans.
[color=#FF00FF]Her: Well I thought you would leave right away. I'm not going to wait all night for you.. Then when you get here you're gonna be expecting sex and I can't do that tonight. So if you still wanna come I can wait 20 min but no sex. If yo uwant sex we can reschedule.[/color]
Me: I never said I'd leave right away. You could've asked. This isn't about sex. I'm not going to come b/c you said you were going to be sleeping. Anyways, Let me know ahead of time when you wanna get together
Her: Well that's why I said I would be asleep bc of sex. I can wait for you til 1230 if you want to sleep here. I already made the beds and I'm laying down. When you come we would go right to sleep though. I can do that.... but if we are going to be having sex, eating, etc... then i would rather we together another day.
Me: Get together another day
Her: Okay sounds good. I'm going to go to sleep now goodnight
Her: I'm scared
Her: My back and arms hurt really bad


(Note she does have a history of her back and arm pain)


Now judging by how she's texting me, SO FAR, I know I've played it right. (I.e., if I would've agreed to come, which would also mean that I would allow myself to be jerked around, I know for a fact she'd be moody AND I'd have to play to all her restrictions tonight)

Anyways my question is to you is the last 2 texts from her. How do I handle this? My gut is telling me she is exaggerating her symptoms, if any, to make me feel bad and come to her. (But i know if I come I'm allowing myself to be jerked around. I'm not doing it) So I haven't responded to her text. I just don't know how, or even if I should? Do I wake up in the morning and say something?


yeah what rc said. shit is sounding poisoned.

id just add, have common sense. its your gf...if you know she doesnt stay up late, if YOU know you'll get there late just say so. The ball was in YOUR court, you took and hour to reply and only you know what time you'll get there. stop the games and just be normal.


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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 12:50 pm 
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Boo-fucking-hoo.....

Quote:
Her: You're welcome to come over for a sleepover if you want. I'm headed back to my place now.
(1 hour later) Me: Yeah that works
Her: Ok see you soon
Her: Lemme know when you're here
Me: Ok
Her: How much longer bc I'm going to go to sleep soon
Me: 25 min
Her: Oh I'll probably be asleep by then
Me: Are you going to be up or not when I come?
Her: ^
Me: Ok I won't come.
Her: Okay we can plan on another day
Me: Ok talk to you tomorrow.


See how easy this could have ended.

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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 2:48 pm 
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It's sad you assume the worst of your girlfriend.

"Hey hun I realize by the time I get there it'll be late. I know you're having some pain right now, get your rest and I'll see you tomorrow."

Sometimes it really is just about logistics, but you took it in a different direction.

When in doubt be curious, not interrogative or assumptive. Give compassion, not suspicion and ego.


Its really unfortunate how you have it in your mind that this is a game to be won. I hope you get that under control as the relationship will get toxic fast if you don't (if it hasn't already). A healthy relationship is a partnership, not a power struggle to be conquered.


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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 3:10 pm 
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Well in the past she has tried to guilt trip me by saying her health issues are acting up... and I tried comforting her and told her hope you feel better, etc. But her guilt trip was "I talked to all my friends and we all agreed that it was wrong for you not to come"... like bro, I have work tomorrow and can't come everytime you have an issue. So yes, I was hesitant to text her.

But it's in the morning so I'll just say "I was sleeping. Hope you're feeling better"

@RC Yeah there is some tension, as we're literally just coming off some past minor conflict. So Yes, I'm not all love dovey at the moment. Being in an LTR with this girl I know that a reward and punishment (withdrawal) system needs to be used or I'll create a bitchy gf. I don't want that.


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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 3:15 pm 
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Regular Guy wrote:
Well in the past she has tried to guilt trip me by saying her health issues are acting up... and I tried comforting her and told her hope you feel better, etc. But her guilt trip was "I talked to all my friends and we all agreed that it was wrong for you not to come"... like bro, I have work tomorrow and can't come everytime you have an issue. So yes, I was hesitant to text her.

But it's in the morning so I'll just say "I was sleeping. Hope you're feeling better"

@RC Yeah there is some tension, as we're literally just coming off some past minor conflict. So Yes, I'm not all love dovey at the moment. Being in an LTR with this girl I know that a reward and punishment (withdrawal) system needs to be used or I'll create a bitchy gf. I don't want that.

Proof or just your assumption?

Sounds like you have this whole 'victim' narrative you've created for her. Now I am not saying there's no validity to it. What I am saying is its a very dangerous one.

Rewards/punishment never works. In fact I will wager this relationship won't last much longer if that mindset continues. If you think that mentality works, ask yourself two things and you'll clearly see that it won't:

1) How do I want the other person to act?

2) What do I want there reasons to be for doing so?

When you look at the 2nd question, you'll realize that this can't ever work.


More often than not a "bitchy gf" is one who's needs aren't being met. Your approach is to further punish her rather than open up a dialogue. Cowardly move on your part.


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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 3:23 pm 
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n2thevoid wrote:
Regular Guy wrote:
Well in the past she has tried to guilt trip me by saying her health issues are acting up... and I tried comforting her and told her hope you feel better, etc. But her guilt trip was "I talked to all my friends and we all agreed that it was wrong for you not to come"... like bro, I have work tomorrow and can't come everytime you have an issue. So yes, I was hesitant to text her.

But it's in the morning so I'll just say "I was sleeping. Hope you're feeling better"

@RC Yeah there is some tension, as we're literally just coming off some past minor conflict. So Yes, I'm not all love dovey at the moment. Being in an LTR with this girl I know that a reward and punishment (withdrawal) system needs to be used or I'll create a bitchy gf. I don't want that.

Proof or just your assumption?

Sounds like you have this whole 'victim' narrative you've created for her. Now I am not saying there's no validity to it. What I am saying is its a very dangerous one.

Rewards/punishment never works. In fact I will wager this relationship won't last much longer if that mindset continues. If you think that mentality works, ask yourself two things and you'll clearly see that it won't:

1) How do I want the other person to act?

2) What do I want there reasons to be for doing so?

When you look at the 2nd question, you'll realize that this can't ever work.


Read beyond the bold and you'll see it's not assumption.

What would be an alternative to Reward/punishment if you believe they never work? The way I use it is pretty clear. If she does something I don't like I tell her "Hey I don't like how you did x and I'd appreciate it if you fixed it". If she does, problem solved. If she doesn't then I use the reward/punishment and punish her by saying "Okay then FYI I'm going to take some space from you and I'll hit you up once I'm done". Voila

Besides, women subconsciously (or consciously) use a reward and punishment system ALL the time. It shouldn't be wrong if men decide to use it, especially if it is combined with a great line of communication.


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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 3:30 pm 
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Regular Guy wrote:
n2thevoid wrote:
Regular Guy wrote:
Well in the past she has tried to guilt trip me by saying her health issues are acting up... and I tried comforting her and told her hope you feel better, etc. But her guilt trip was "I talked to all my friends and we all agreed that it was wrong for you not to come"... like bro, I have work tomorrow and can't come everytime you have an issue. So yes, I was hesitant to text her.

But it's in the morning so I'll just say "I was sleeping. Hope you're feeling better"

@RC Yeah there is some tension, as we're literally just coming off some past minor conflict. So Yes, I'm not all love dovey at the moment. Being in an LTR with this girl I know that a reward and punishment (withdrawal) system needs to be used or I'll create a bitchy gf. I don't want that.

Proof or just your assumption?

Sounds like you have this whole 'victim' narrative you've created for her. Now I am not saying there's no validity to it. What I am saying is its a very dangerous one.

Rewards/punishment never works. In fact I will wager this relationship won't last much longer if that mindset continues. If you think that mentality works, ask yourself two things and you'll clearly see that it won't:

1) How do I want the other person to act?

2) What do I want there reasons to be for doing so?

When you look at the 2nd question, you'll realize that this can't ever work.


Read beyond the bold and you'll see it's not assumption.

What would be an alternative to Reward/punishment if you believe they never work? The way I use it is pretty clear. If she does something I don't like I tell her "Hey I don't like how you did x and I'd appreciate it if you fixed it". If she does, problem solved. If she doesn't then I use the reward/punishment and punish her by saying "Okay then FYI I'm going to take some space from you and I'll hit you up once I'm done". Voila

Besides, women subconsciously (or consciously) use a reward and punishment system ALL the time. It shouldn't be wrong if men decide to use it, especially if it is combined with a great line of communication.


You both had needs that weren't directly addressed. She probably had one for comfort, you for connection and intimacy.

Addressing needs (or unmet ones) is never about criticizing or judging what you THINK another person is doing. You both have quite immature patterns of communication to be truthful.

Quote:
Besides, women subconsciously (or consciously) use a reward and punishment system ALL the time. It shouldn't be wrong if men decide to use it, especially if it is combined with a great line of communication.

We all hold various lenses to how we see the world. Much like seeing through a layer of acetate of a film reel, we project meaning onto our experiences. This lens you're holding onto likely works in some situations, or at a specific point in time to protect you. It won't, however, serve you in building healthy connections with women. Rewards/punishment systems allow people (and nations) to reap violence onto one another without much forethought.

There's no conceivable way of building a healthy relationship through such a toxic dynamic. It particularly doesn't work well with children, and this is a fundamental flaw in behaviourism - it quite simply doesn't take into account motivation, or really any form of introspection. Its akin to holding a blow stick and poking someone every time they do something you deem wrong. It affords no room for constructive dialogue, and at worse reinforces the notion that communicating needs directly is bad. It turns into ego begetting ego. It leaves absolutely NO room for a "great line of communication".

Rewards/punishment is a vicious, passive-aggressive way of getting what you want - plain and simple. Ask yourself if this sounds like the premise to building a healthy relationship? Go beyond that with the question "Do I know the steps towards building a healthy relationship?" Like most people you don't, but you can learn and I am hoping that's ultimately why you are here.


Last edited by n2thevoid on Tue May 16, 2017 5:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 3:39 pm 
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Many times I read these threads and I feel bad for you guys. Like I wish a chick would say some shit like I spoke to my friends and they all said they agree with me type bs. I'm sorry but these relationships sound like you guys are dating teenage women. Don't get me wrong OP you're immature too... But too many guys here are like you.. Immature teenagers dating immature teenagers.


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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 9:32 pm 
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You're being a bit too rough bro. This is where too much PUA can steer you wrong.

The entire things spawned from her not feeling loved or cared about. She would more than likely had sex with you, but she said that just to see if you cared. Now I understand where you're coming from, and perfectly okay for you to not want to go because of how she choose to project herself. I get it. I would've probably done the same.

Where you're doing too much though is when she text you the next day about the exaggerated syptoms and you're still carrying the same attitude. Sure she's exaggerating, but it all stems back to the night before of her feeling uncared for or loved. She's seeing if you care now. Give her a little of that.

This is where girls go off looking for that temporary beta simp. She'll miss you and may come back, but things will have already been ruined.

You gotta lighten up a bit.

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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 11:07 pm 
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Eddie Fews wrote:
You're being a bit too rough bro. This is where too much PUA can steer you wrong.

The entire things spawned from her not feeling loved or cared about. She would more than likely had sex with you, but she said that just to see if you cared. Now I understand where you're coming from, and perfectly okay for you to not want to go because of how she choose to project herself. I get it. I would've probably done the same.

Where you're doing too much though is when she text you the next day about the exaggerated syptoms and you're still carrying the same attitude. Sure she's exaggerating, but it all stems back to the night before of her feeling uncared for or loved. She's seeing if you care now. Give her a little of that.

This is where girls go off looking for that temporary beta simp. She'll miss you and may come back, but things will have already been ruined.

You gotta lighten up a bit.


I texted her this morning

Me: I was asleep. Hope you're feeling better today.

She didn't respond for hours so I sent her another text.

Me: I wanna see you. Hope you're feeling better today.
Her: Busy
Me: When are you free then
Her: Probably tomorrow
Me: I'll pick you up from your place at 6 tomorrow

*No response from her, but she uploads a snapchat story*

*I wait a few hours*

Me: FYI - I don't like the direction things are going lately, and I don't think you do either. It's slowly poisoning our relationship. We seriously need to get to the bottom of this ASAP and make things fun again. ARe you at your place tonight?

Her: No

Me: I don't appreciate this attitude that you have with me and you being short all day, and not confirming with me for tomorrow. I'm going to leave you alone and you can reach out to me when you're normal.

Her: Ok


........................


You see... this is why I think reward and punishment is great. Women just aren't logical so me trying to explain things to them will result in the above ^^ Her giving me short ass responses, etc. I think i should've never said any fucking thing after I said "Hope you're feeling better" until she responded. Yeah of course she will come back around when she's feeling better.... but had I not given her my time and send more texts after "Hope you're feeling better" I think it would've been better as she still would've came back around, just without me having to text all the other stuff, etc.


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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 11:49 pm 
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Quote:
You see... this is why I think reward and punishment is great. Women just aren't logical so me trying to explain things to them will result in the above ^^ Her giving me short ass responses, etc. I think i should've never said any fucking thing after I said "Hope you're feeling better" until she responded. Yeah of course she will come back around when she's feeling better.... but had I not given her my time and send more texts after "Hope you're feeling better" I think it would've been better as she still would've came back around, just without me having to text all the other stuff, etc.


No, this is why not making an immature girl your gf is great. Guess what man...your relationship is shitty. And whether you had ignored her or not this morning, last night's dysfunction would have occured as well as the other dysfunctions that pop up. You're using rew and pun as a band aid for something that is severly broken. Dont get me wrong, you fucked it up first, but all this morning silence and stuff is dysfunction. She's doing the same reward and punishment thing to YOU. And see what's happening? She didnt feel cared for and she is punishing you. Even then, a chick bringing up back pain and shit to MANIPULATE you is a red flag. No, its not "girls are just not logical" .......thats manipulation and lying/exaggerating if anything happens. Its not some simple "guilt trip" if she's acting like she's in pain to get a response from you. Dont entertain a chick lying to you as a "girl thing" because you're just ignoring a red flag.


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PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 2:44 am 
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So I just got this text

"You can come over for sleepover but you should come by 9 if you can"

I agreed. About to head out... But damn! I understand men are suppose to be unmovable rocks where as women are up and down... but fuck bitch stabilize a little bit it's annoying having to weather these tiny ass storms


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PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 3:12 am 
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And she's back to this sweet sweet girl and missed me lol.......

Women bruh... like bruh.... why you gotta be so emotional?


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