1 month in, not sure whats going on


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PostPosted: Thu May 25, 2017 10:36 pm 
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First post here,

I'm a 30 year old doctor in a major east coast city. I've been single and dating for the past 6 months after a 2 year long relationship. I met a really beautiful girl off tinder a month ago. We've gone out multiple times, slept together twice. The problem is I can't read her at all. When we started dating she barely texted, maybe once every 2-3 days and took hours to text back. I jokingly made a comment that she's difficult to talk to and she made the effort to text me more. Now she texts me at least once every other day just to shoot the shit. She is also eager to split the check and keep things even. So a lot of positive signs that she respects me.

However there are some things that I can't understand. We have sex and she leaves pretty abruptly afterwards, doesn't try to cuddle. All of her texts are pretty basic small talk, nothing sensual or sexual. She's pretty weird about letting me know where she lives in case i'm "looney tunes". I've been dating multiple girls to try and prevent ONEitis and doing my best to be alpha and keep things light.

Last week I went against my better judgement (I blame the alcohol) and asked her what her intentions were and she said "I think you're awesome. I just want things to go slow" and that I'm the only guy she's dating . So i was pretty reassured by that.

Then the other day we had sex and she left quickly afterwards and I didn't get up and follow her out being half a sleep. . She texted me the next day saying she kinda felt like a prostitute because I didn't really walk her out or anything. I tried to reassure her by text that she was reading me wrong and that I like her and like hanging out with her and I wasn't using her for sex. I felt pretty beta afterwards doing this but she said she was reassured by it and laughed it off.

Anyways, I usually have chicks getting attached at this point and I get to have the power, but now I feel like she's totally has the dynamic of this relationship in her favor and I'm kindve a wimpy mess right now. I'm gonna pull back from texting her for a few days and see what happens, but I'm worried I kinda lost this one already.


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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 4:31 am 
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I don't see anything out of the ordinary man, seems the girl likes you pull off the texts maybe one day only, then text her with a hi or whatever your dynamic is, but when you text her don't try to explain to her why you had not text her, but to me you don't have to do anything, just maybe don't try to look needy and try to be firm(a little alpha) on situations like you did not walk her out, your answer should had been like i was sleeping, very simple answer, and let her get grumpy a little.


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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 6:05 am 
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DrDork wrote:
The problem is I can't read her at all. When we started dating she barely texted, maybe once every 2-3 days and took hours to text back.


Welcome to the world of 9's and 10's. Strong, socially valuable and independent women will let things play out organically.

Quote:
I jokingly made a comment that she's difficult to talk to



Needy.

Quote:
She is also eager to split the check and keep things even. So a lot of positive signs that she respects me.



The sign of a strong, independent woman.

Play her level. Be a great lover, and she will hit you up more and more until she brings up the talk.


Quote:
However there are some things that I can't understand. We have sex and she leaves pretty abruptly afterwards, doesn't try to cuddle.


The sign of a socially valuable, strong woman. Keep your COOL. Be patient with her. Be the fun, chill guy. no meta talk, no debbie downer shit, no over contact. Let her do her thing. Don't react.

Quote:
All of her texts are pretty basic small talk, nothing sensual or sexual. She's pretty weird about letting me know where she lives in case i'm "looney tunes".



This part is weird.

Quote:
Last week I went against my better judgement (I blame the alcohol) and asked her what her intentions were



Don't do this again.

Quote:
She texted me the next day saying she kinda felt like a prostitute because I didn't really walk her out or anything.


Well fucking played. Now she's being needy.


Quote:
Anyways, I usually have chicks getting attached at this point and I get to have the power, but now I feel like she's totally has the dynamic of this relationship in her favor and I'm kindve a wimpy mess right now. I'm gonna pull back from texting her for a few days and see what happens, but I'm worried I kinda lost this one already.


Just do what you've been doing. She cares.

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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 6:53 am 
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DrDork wrote:
First post here,

I'm a 30 year old doctor in a major east coast city. I've been single and dating for the past 6 months after a 2 year long relationship. I met a really beautiful girl off tinder a month ago. We've gone out multiple times, slept together twice. The problem is I can't read her at all.

Quote:
By "read" are you meaning you want to know where she stands with you? If so, why is it important so early on in the relationship? Why make things so serious so soon?


When we started dating she barely texted, maybe once every 2-3 days and took hours to text back. I jokingly made a comment that she's difficult to talk to and she made the effort to text me more. Now she texts me at least once every other day just to shoot the shit. She is also eager to split the check and keep things even. So a lot of positive signs that she respects me.

Quote:
And now the frequency of of hangouts has increased, you're sleeping together...you're building trust sounds like a good thing.


However there are some things that I can't understand. We have sex and she leaves pretty abruptly afterwards, doesn't try to cuddle. All of her texts are pretty basic small talk, nothing sensual or sexual. She's pretty weird about letting me know where she lives in case i'm "looney tunes". I've been dating multiple girls to try and prevent ONEitis and doing my best to be alpha and keep things light.

Quote:
So you have a need for intimacy not being met. Why not share this with her? She can't read minds. You're wanting her to demonstrate that she's committing to this, but when you try to force things to move at the pace you want them to, often times that's oft putting for a woman and demonstrates you have very little self control. A woman can only feel secure in the presence of a man who has control over himself.


Last week I went against my better judgement (I blame the alcohol) and asked her what her intentions were and she said "I think you're awesome. I just want things to go slow" and that I'm the only guy she's dating . So i was pretty reassured by that.

Quote:
Alcohol just disinhibits you. You spoke your truth, albeit not in the best of states.

You have your answer, however.


Then the other day we had sex and she left quickly afterwards and I didn't get up and follow her out being half a sleep. . She texted me the next day saying she kinda felt like a prostitute because I didn't really walk her out or anything. I tried to reassure her by text that she was reading me wrong and that I like her and like hanging out with her and I wasn't using her for sex. I felt pretty beta afterwards doing this but she said she was reassured by it and laughed it off.

Quote:
Were you feeling half asleep, or annoyed, or testing to see her response?


Anyways, I usually have chicks getting attached at this point and I get to have the power, but now I feel like she's totally has the dynamic of this relationship in her favor and I'm kindve a wimpy mess right now. I'm gonna pull back from texting her for a few days and see what happens, but I'm worried I kinda lost this one already.

Quote:
Stay invested in yourself, rather than frame this as a power dynamic, view it more as the two of you getting to know one another and letting things happen in due course.


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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 10:36 am 
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She texted me last night just asking me how my day was (the usual for her). I was out with another girl and acted like I was busy and didn't respond too much. My plan is that I'll just wait for her to initiate the next hang out instead of myself for the near future, just to diminish any feelings of my neediness on her part.

Arch Stanton wrote:
Welcome to the world of 9's and 10's. Strong, socially valuable and independent women will let things play out organically.


Yeah I get that. I've been dating a lot the past 6 months and chicks usually are trying to escalate the relationship by this point. I guess she knows her value and is just taking it slow. It's a little but of a mind fuck being the one that wants her more than she wants me at this point.


n2thevoid wrote:
Were you feeling half asleep, or annoyed, or testing to see her response?


I was tired, but I guess I was sort've bummed by the lack of after sex intimacy. It was like I came and she gets up washes up and starts throwing on her clothes. So I think I was trying to be just as uncaring by lying in bed not worrying about her.


n2thevoid wrote:

So you have a need for intimacy not being met. Why not share this with her? She can't read minds. You're wanting her to demonstrate that she's committing to this, but when you try to force things to move at the pace you want them to, often times that's oft putting for a woman and demonstrates you have very little self control. A woman can only feel secure in the presence of a man who has control over himself.


I think that hits the nail on the head. The relationship sort've feels empty. There's no after sex intimacy, her texts are casual, she's not gushing over me... I'm not sure how to fix that. I feel like asking for more intimacy may not be the best thing this early on. I'll give it another month of being casual. If it's still empty-feeling then, then maybe i'll broach the subject while taking the risk that I might look needy.


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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 2:53 pm 
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why do you like her?


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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 3:23 pm 
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n2thevoid wrote:
Were you feeling half asleep, or annoyed, or testing to see her response?


I was tired, but I guess I was sort've bummed by the lack of after sex intimacy. It was like I came and she gets up washes up and starts throwing on her clothes. So I think I was trying to be just as uncaring by lying in bed not worrying about her.

Quote:
Protest behavior - you didn't get what you'd wanted/expected so you 'protested' by showing a lack of regard,
or feigned indifference to her leaving. You had needs in that moment but rather than speak on them you attempted to punish.


n2thevoid wrote:

So you have a need for intimacy not being met. Why not share this with her? She can't read minds. You're wanting her to demonstrate that she's committing to this, but when you try to force things to move at the pace you want them to, often times that's oft putting for a woman and demonstrates you have very little self control. A woman can only feel secure in the presence of a man who has control over himself.


I think that hits the nail on the head. The relationship sort've feels empty. There's no after sex intimacy, her texts are casual, she's not gushing over me... I'm not sure how to fix that. I feel like asking for more intimacy may not be the best thing this early on. I'll give it another month of being casual. If it's still empty-feeling then, then maybe i'll broach the subject while taking the risk that I might look needy.[/quote]

Quote:
She may not be the "gushy" type, tbh. So is that a deal breaker for you? Or does she have a lot of other redeemable qualities? Certainly nobody is perfect. That said if this is very important to you then address this with her (in a non-dramatic fashion) at least this way you'll know whether you're waisting your time with her or not.

If you can't speak your truth in a relationship (while being respectful towards the other person), then what is the point of being in a relationship?

Your fear of coming-off "needy" is obstructing the potential of developing a connection with this woman. She may be feeling the very same thing you are. Women with healthy boundaries generally open up to men who aren't afraid to be vulnerable with them. BLogger and former PUAr Mark Manson has a great article on vulnerability https://markmanson.net/vulnerability.


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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 3:43 pm 
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DrDork wrote:
. There's no after sex intimacy, her texts are casual, she's not gushing over me...



You're not making her cum enough. Not trying to be rude. But when a woman orgasms a lot from her man, a chemical called oxytocin in released. This biological trigger will compel her to want to be close to you (cuddling, etc).

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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 3:48 pm 
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Arch Stanton wrote:
DrDork wrote:
. There's no after sex intimacy, her texts are casual, she's not gushing over me...



You're not making her cum enough. Not trying to be rude. But when a woman orgasms a lot from her man, a chemical called oxytocin in released. This biological trigger will compel her to want to be close to you (cuddling, etc).


Not necessarily the case. Who knows her history maybe she has a history of sexual abuse (not unlike a lot of women), has fears of getting 'too close', or maybe she too is feeling the connection isn't quite there atm.


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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 4:50 pm 
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neo87 wrote:
why do you like her?

She's beautiful, we have good rapport, she's funny. Most of the basic things that you find in attractive people.

I'm wondering if I do have an anxious attachment personality and this may be causing me to worry so much. Her unavailability may be pushing my buttons


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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 4:56 pm 
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n2thevoid wrote:
Arch Stanton wrote:
DrDork wrote:
. There's no after sex intimacy, her texts are casual, she's not gushing over me...



You're not making her cum enough. Not trying to be rude. But when a woman orgasms a lot from her man, a chemical called oxytocin in released. This biological trigger will compel her to want to be close to you (cuddling, etc).


Not necessarily the case. Who knows her history maybe she has a history of sexual abuse (not unlike a lot of women), has fears of getting 'too close', or maybe she too is feeling the connection isn't quite there atm.



Yeah, most really attractive women have sexual abuse in their past. It sucks, but it's a reality. And that's an interesting point: the women I've dated who've acted extremely independent, and almost like a dominant male early on (not needy at all, waiting a couple days, etc) were abused.

It just takes really good fucking...I mean REALLY good to get the chemical stirring in them to the point where they cave in.

The OP is clearly working with one of these women.

OP, next time you hang out, fuck her as hard and as fast as you can. And by hard, I mean, fuck yourself to exhaustion along with an orgasm or two for her. Don't ask to switch positions. Take control immediately. Flip her around on the bed and have your way with her.

This is how you break these "wild horses".

Afterwards, you'll see a change in her eyes...almost like a different person in how she looks at you. And then her barrier will recede.

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Last edited by Arch Stanton on Fri May 26, 2017 4:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 4:57 pm 
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What are your other options like?


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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 5:01 pm 
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DrDork wrote:

I'm wondering if I do have an anxious attachment personality and this may be causing me to worry so much. Her unavailability may be pushing my buttons


No, it's in your control. Mirror her actions.

Quote:
Anyways, I usually have chicks getting attached at this point and I get to have the power, but now I feel like she's totally has the dynamic of this relationship in her favor and I'm kindve a wimpy mess right now.


You treat her differently than these girls. It's a needy mind set. A needy man is deeply afraid that what he has to give is not enough (or that he is not worthy).

You're a grown ass man, and a DR at that. You don't NEED her. You don't NEED anybody to complete yourself.

She should be your OPTION.

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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 5:02 pm 
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Heywood Jablowme wrote:
DrDork wrote:

I'm wondering if I do have an anxious attachment personality and this may be causing me to worry so much. Her unavailability may be pushing my buttons


No, it's in your control. Mirror her actions.

Quote:
Anyways, I usually have chicks getting attached at this point and I get to have the power, but now I feel like she's totally has the dynamic of this relationship in her favor and I'm kindve a wimpy mess right now.


You treat her differently than these girls. It's a needy mind set. A needy man is deeply afraid that what he has to give is not enough (or that he is not worthy).

You're a grown ass man, and a DR at that. You don't NEED her. You don't NEED anybody to complete yourself.

She should be your OPTION.


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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 5:13 pm 
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DrDork wrote:
neo87 wrote:
why do you like her?

She's beautiful, we have good rapport, she's funny. Most of the basic things that you find in attractive people.

I'm wondering if I do have an anxious attachment personality and this may be causing me to worry so much. Her unavailability may be pushing my buttons

You're off balance because she embodies qualities that you like and she's showing you enough so that you know she's interested but not enough for you to be sure about how interested she is. It's as simple as that. Your brain is occupied in trying to figure out how into you she really is and for that reason I would say that it is too early to call this an anxious attachment personality. It's more likely that you just want to know if she likes you as much as you like her and until you can figure that out, you're feeling more vulnerable and her in control.

It's one month in. Worry less about where you stand with her and just focus on enjoying her company when you're with her because she's still coming around.


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