LDR wtf? what would you do in this situation..


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 5:31 am 
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why the delete?


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 5:39 am 
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I appreciate the insight. I needed a bit of time to cool my head off as well. Mismatched expectations. I just figured it would be a natural thing to do to ask about the other person after some shit. on fb i see shes going out, going on day trips. Maybe a form of escape, i dont know. Back to the drawing board. Whats the best thing to do now?

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 5:40 am 
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neo87 wrote:
why the delete?

I just needed to edit it so i just rewrote it

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 6:15 am 
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DM wrote:
I appreciate the insight. I needed a bit of time to cool my head off as well. Mismatched expectations.


This is why the knowledgeable posters here will implore you to not to invest too much emotionally/expectations until she brings up "the talk".

Men tend to be less emotionally-intelligent than women. Men project their feelings onto women and assume they feel the same instead of paying attention to how a woman acts. this is how you end up with "mismatched expectations" and a girl nexting you.

Attractive women have no guilt, and no issue whatsoever nexting guys who move too fast on the relationship front. These are usually very attractive, independent, sex-positive, and strong women who know exactly what they want in a man...an outlook forged by 95% of men who get too needy too fast and want to box them in with a relationship too fast.

Quote:
I just figured it would be a natural thing to do to ask about the other person after some shit. on fb i see shes going out, going on day trips. Maybe a form of escape, i dont know. Back to the drawing board. Whats the best thing to do now?



See other women, and apply what you've learned in this thread so you keep the ones you're attracted to.

If she comes back one day, and you're still into it, you'll also have developed this skill set, and won't lose her this time.

The fact that she's actively going on trips and going out also says she's looking for positivity. It looks like you had one too many serious talks (Debbie Downer), and it wasn't what she was looking for (no woman wants this. Keep it 100% light, fun and hot until she brings up exclusivity).

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 9:14 am 
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Its always hard to compress everything into a few messages on here. Since this thread has grown a lot longer than i thought her are some details about the exclusivity bit that keeps coming up. She is older, her relationship was failing and she was trying to figure out if we had long term potential since shes 29 right now. It was brought up by her in the beginning.She tried to put me off with having a bf in the beginning but my response was that i wasnt going to do anything either of us wouldnt enjoy, that i dont like to put people on boxes. Then FWB carried on while she was in her relationship. Periodically she would tell me that she was afraid i would leaye her at any point. She has issues with separation from what i could tell, probably some family trauma at some point. Eventually it got to the point where i got tired of all the secrecy and the hiding on account of her relationship so i told her she needs to sort her shit out. I also told her that its best now that she takes her time and is single for a bit not rush into rebound relationships. We all know how those end. All in all i was pretty grounded to mirror her emotional input in a lesser way. I wouldnt say the trigger point was me talking about exclusivity. She always thought she was the one to be opening up more and more whereas i kept everything inside, which is true to some extenr. The debbie downer talks could have contributed to the situation for sure though. After my last few relationships im careful with too much emotional investment or investment too soon, i know thats a killer

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 1:35 pm 
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No outcome will be good for you with this chick. My friend you need space and some self esteem lifts. Take a break from her and in two months if you still feel for her rengage contact. Go get your balls back, she's got em in a vice


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 2:44 pm 
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Haha dont worry about that, i have a few girls on rotation here in the states. Its no biggie, but ive never done ldr's and this situation is one ive never had to deal with. i need insight

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 3:36 pm 
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What's alarming to me is you've supposedly known this girl for months, seen each other alot, would like exclusivity but don't seem to have an idea of who she is. You don't know if she's back with ex, whether she'd go back, if she's living the single girl life meeting guys, whether it's a front, whether she sees long term potential with you.... Not saying you should know everything but if you're thinking exclusivity it shouldn't sound like a chick you met last week and did a couple dates with. Of everything you know about this chick what is your gut telling you is going on? Would she go back to her ex? Would she want to sleep around now? Would she be too afraid of getting close to you she'd withdraw? Would her own issues and drama cause her to withdraw? Would she think that you don't care when you have all these women and she's initiating? With everything you too have done the sex conversations connection if you called her now would that turn her off? Why wouldn't she think you are long term potential and has that changed? If you're thinking exclusivity with a chick you should have a better idea of who she is and what she wants.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 8:30 pm 
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DM wrote:
her relationship was failing and she was trying to figure out if we had long term potential since shes 29 right now.


Classic monkey-brancher.

Quote:
It was brought up by her in the beginning.She tried to put me off with having a bf in the beginning but my response was that i wasnt going to do anything either of us wouldnt enjoy, that i dont like to put people on boxes. Then FWB carried on while she was in her relationship. Periodically she would tell me that she was afraid i would leaye her at any point.


All the while she was with her bf. This woman has severe insecurity issues. I normally can't stand armchair psychology (which is often employed her by certain posters who love jumping to conclusions), but I say that about this woman without remorse.



Quote:
She has issues with separation from what i could tell, probably some family trauma at some point. Eventually it got to the point where i got tired of all the secrecy and the hiding on account of her relationship so i told her she needs to sort her shit out.



The bolded words was a Debbie Downer talk.

you should've just pulled back. You were only in a FWB. You can't tell her what to do, how to live her life. you were just a fuck buddy. you crossed a line by telling her to get her shit straight. She was not that invested in you yet for you to have a relationship-type conversation. If you were doing all the right things, she would leave him for you. Had you stayed in the moment, that might've happened.



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I also told her that its best now that she takes her time and is single for a bit not rush into rebound relationships.


Again, another Debbie Downer talk. Too many negative emotions Too many "talks". Keep communications with a girl you're not exclusive with fun, light, and sexual.

I know this girl, my friend. I know her all too well. She's a mess, and you fancy yourself her hero. But the real truth is she's sexy as hell (probably the sexiest you've been with), has a certain aura about her your find irresistible. You dig her face...a lot. That's why you're putting in your time here on the forum.

Pull back, and game other women. If she reaches out:

"Hey, it's Netflix and drinks night at my place, come by when you're free."

Fun. Light. Sexual.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 10:11 pm 
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neo87 wrote:
Of everything you know about this chick what is your gut telling you is going on? Would she go back to her ex?
Not sure about the ex. From what she described it was a relashionship where there was no intimacy, she saw him as a friend. From what she told me he was hounding her down now so I doubt she'd do anything.

neo87 wrote:
Would she want to sleep around now?

From what I know about her, and what Ive heard shes never been one to sleep around, plus shes in a small place where everyone knows everyone. Though anythings possible.

neo87 wrote:
Would she be too afraid of getting close to you she'd withdraw?

This is what Im thinking. During one of the 'debbie downer' talks she mentioned that she was afraid that I would just one day up and leave (since ive had the tendency to do that in the past)

neo87 wrote:
Would her own issues and drama cause her to withdraw?

Not sure. Its a lot going on for her.

neo87 wrote:
Would she think that you don't care when you have all these women and she's initiating?

I think this is another element to it. She would keep bringing up the girls posting on my wall, and she knows that girls message me constanly.

neo87 wrote:
With everything you too have done the sex conversations connection if you called her now would that turn her off?

If I called her? Its hard to say. Its been a week since we last spoke which is out of character.


neo87 wrote:
Why wouldn't she think you are long term potential and has that changed? If you're thinking exclusivity with a chick you should have a better idea of who she is and what she wants.


This is a bit complicated. Shes just finished school. Her career path was supposed to go in one direction but as we got closer she was considering a life with me and changing her life plans to facilitate us being together actively looking and asking people about how that could work.

Thats why her behaviour is off putting. I know Im hard headed too sometimes so I dont know if I should just message and see what happens.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 12:10 am 
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You probably shouldve just called and told her how the surgery went tbh.Thats why I dont advocate game playing and letting rejection guide your actions. She said, let her know if you'd like and told you she didnt want to be pushy. I know you saw it as some sign she didnt care, but people are different. Like myself, if I had a minor surgery I dont really like people to call and check up. If its that serious to be checked up, I'm probably resting and dont want someone interrupting that. That's me, and I'd probably treat someone the same way. Someone could read that incorrectly and feel slighted that I didnt call them, but thats why honesty and communication has to be there. If you wanted to talk to her after your surgery, should've just said hey id like to talk to you after my surgery, or just called after your surgery. She told you to call if youd like and you didnt. If something matters to you, drop the games and just be real about it.

That's me, I value my sanity. Alot of guys like confusion and wondering what she's thinking and strategizing to keep her. I'd choose rejection from a chick over having to wonder what she's thinking or where we are at and what I cant and can do.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 1:30 am 
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neo87 wrote:
You probably shouldve just called and told her how the surgery went tbh.Thats why I dont advocate game playing and letting rejection guide your actions. She said, let her know if you'd like and told you she didnt want to be pushy. I know you saw it as some sign she didnt care, but people are different. Like myself, if I had a minor surgery I dont really like people to call and check up. If its that serious to be checked up, I'm probably resting and dont want someone interrupting that. That's me, and I'd probably treat someone the same way. Someone could read that incorrectly and feel slighted that I didnt call them, but thats why honesty and communication has to be there. If you wanted to talk to her after your surgery, should've just said hey id like to talk to you after my surgery, or just called after your surgery. She told you to call if youd like and you didnt. If something matters to you, drop the games and just be real about it.

That's me, I value my sanity. Alot of guys like confusion and wondering what she's thinking and strategizing to keep her. I'd choose rejection from a chick over having to wonder what she's thinking or where we are at and what I cant and can do.

Frame another way "I'd choose speaking on my needs rather than silently enduring and...

a) telepathically sending them to her
b) awaiting for her to 'guess my need' as I am a man baby with no voice
c) engaging in passive aggressive tactics in hope she'll eventually get it (and not forget the lesson for doing so anytime soon)"

Any 3 of those u'll only build resentment towards your partner and destroy what good faith you'd had in each other whilst creating enemy images.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 4:48 am 
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neo87 wrote:
That's me, I value my sanity. Alot of guys like confusion and wondering what she's thinking and strategizing to keep her.



Early courtship with socially valuable women (IE, not obese women or aging cougars) requires a man (in most cases) to keep his cards tight to his chest, at least for a while. Forums like this are specifically designed to help needy, emotional men who spill their guts/communicate needs right away. It's why women do most of the dumping.

"Patience" is a cornerstone of early courtship.

Quote:
I'd choose rejection from a chick over having to wonder what she's thinking or where we are at and what I cant and can do.


That's a great strategy for jerking off a lot.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 4:52 am 
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n2thevoid wrote:
Frame another way "I'd choose speaking on my needs rather than silently enduring and...


Ah yes, "silently enduring", otherwise known as "a patient, valuable man who has options letting things play out organically."


Quote:
b) awaiting for her to 'guess my need' as am a man baby with no voice


The real man baby speaks his needs to a woman he's not in a relationship with, while she fucks another man.

The OP already spoke his needs. He said for her to "get her shit together," and to "figure things out". Then he planted the seed of exclusivity.

He spoke his needs....and she dumped him.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 5:06 am 
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Arch Stanton wrote:
n2thevoid wrote:
Frame another way "I'd choose speaking on my needs rather than silently enduring and...


Ah yes, "silently enduring", otherwise known as "a patient, valuable man who has options letting things play out organically."


Quote:
b) awaiting for her to 'guess my need' as am a man baby with no voice


The real man baby speaks his needs to a woman he's not in a relationship with, while she fucks another man.

The OP already spoke his needs. He said for her to "get her shit together," and to "figure things out". Then he planted the seed of exclusivity.

He spoke his needs....and she dumped him.



Says the 40+ year old emotionally stunted man constantly looking for a 20 year old girl to fix him. Its to no wonder you seek-out the emotionally immature who you feel least threatened by.


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