LDR wtf? what would you do in this situation..


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 9:37 am 
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Damn I didn't think this would pick up so much steam. First of all thank you all for the replies. I honestly can't remember now who brought up the exclusivity, in the beginning it was just FWB and I was fine with that, but at one point she started catching feelings and getting jealous. At one point her ex decided to come visit, and I said I wasn't dealing with the three-way drama anymore. Every relationship should stand and fall on its own merits. At that point she broke down, didn't want to lose me and broke it off with him a few days later. At one point she was talking about getting married. I'm good at holding things down face to face, but when it goes long distance, it gets messy obviously.

In my mind she had shit a lot of shit going on so I figured I would be supportive, which turned out to be a fuck up clearly. To be honest i never was a fan of texting, and those conversations are always easier for me to have over the phone. But fuck, your last response was a reality check, I just read through the messages, fkn hell I didn't even register them until now. The tone of everything is different. I suspect its an ex or another guy. Who knows at this point.

The reason why I decided to pursue and post here, is because her whole demeanor changed literally overnight. She was ridiculously jealous when other girls would post on my wall, or would be constantly scared of losing me. I would be nonchalant at times when it came down to not talking or ending it which put her off a lot. Then one conversation and the whole mood shifted. I know what you're thinking, Id be asking the same question JackZero. I took a 3 year hiatus from relationships to avoid this kind of drama, and now Im in the thick of it again. I had fun being single, messing around and then she came along and seemed like a good investment in the long run. The most mind boggling thing is how quick it all dissipated, I'm still shocked.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 2:28 pm 
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How were you needy or smothering? Also what is the drama?


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 8:34 pm 
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DM wrote:
The reason why I decided to pursue and post here, is because her whole demeanor changed literally overnight.


Only two reasons for that.

Either there's another guy, or you accumulated too many needy points, and to you it seemed "instant", but for her, it was a slow building over time.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 9:18 pm 
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Could be a new guy or the ex she just ended it with. Im not sure at this point when it comes to neediness but I was generally reciprocating whatever she was giving to a slightly lesser degree. Im not an amateur when it comes to this but I clearly lost control somewhere. As for the drama, she just broke up, afterwards foundout he was cheating on her. Then had a few funerals to go to, her best friends ditch their plans to go on a trip together. She was going to therapy before id left, started falling into depression. It all seemed to come at once so i genuinely felt bad for her. No good deed goes unpunished. I have the messages if you guys are interested.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 11:38 pm 
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DM wrote:
Could be a new guy or the ex she just ended it with. Im not sure at this point when it comes to neediness but I was generally reciprocating whatever she was giving to a slightly lesser degree. Im not an amateur when it comes to this but I clearly lost control somewhere. As for the drama, she just broke up, afterwards foundout he was cheating on her. Then had a few funerals to go to, her best friends ditch their plans to go on a trip together. She was going to therapy before id left, started falling into depression. It all seemed to come at once so i genuinely felt bad for her. No good deed goes unpunished. I have the messages if you guys are interested.



If she was legit going through mental health problems... Why even think you did something? Not saying she's not fucking 10 guys now but you do understand people withdraw when suffering depression right?


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 12:22 am 
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Could be anything. Thats the benefit of the doubt im giving her and why i have nexted her completely. Thing is shes going out, posting pics on fb with one of her friends, but that could also be compensating for something. Its been days since we last talked, but because the tone of her messages changed completely it made me start thinking about the possibilities. The thing i found with going no contact is that if the relationship wasnt abusive they ALWAYS come back. Just from personal experience. Some context reading back, she asked me to tell her about my surgery and i asked why she was being so formal about it, she told me that she didnt want to be pushy. At one point i mentioned how shes weirding me out, to which she responded that no matter how weird it gets that she still cares about me and its important to her that im safe and well. the whole exchange was very reserved, not sure if its on account of her being scared to initiate, having someone else, losing interest, trying to back out etc. but it came as a surprise given that a week ago she was telling me she was thinking of me.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 1:39 am 
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DM wrote:
The thing i found with going no contact is that if the relationship wasnt abusive they ALWAYS come back.



Yep.


Quote:
At one point i mentioned how shes weirding me out



You're a dominant male. You are her rock,. not the one to get weak kneed and nervous.

Quote:
, to which she responded that no matter how weird it gets that she still cares about me and its important to her that im safe and well. the whole exchange was very reserved, not sure if its on account of her being scared to initiate, having someone else, losing interest, trying to back out etc. but it came as a surprise given that a week ago she was telling me she was thinking of me.



Beware of what I call "Debbie Downer" talks. This is absolutely one of them. They are the "kiss of death" with socially valuable women (not obese, 9's and 10's) when you have these talks early on. Save them for after she brings up exclusivity, and even then limit them to only essential issues.

the girl broke up with a guy, is in therapy, went to funerals, and doesn't want to see her phone lighting up with negative emotions. Your job is to keep it light, fun, and hot until she's in love with you.

I'm not saying she's perfect (far from it, I know the type), but I'm just letting you know where you can improve within the context of early courtship. Until a woman has "the talk" with you, or says she loves you, the mistakes you can get away with are few (9's and 10's). You can do whatever the fuck you want with 6's and under.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:02 am 
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Also her behaviour weirding me out was meant to say that she's pushing me away and needs to clean up her act. Not sure it came across that way.

Agree though, the last convo was my cue to push that eject button and not talk for the next while. Gut instinct told me no contact until the dust settles and she figures her life out. If she ever does. Honesty feel retarded that it even got to the point that it did.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:39 am 
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If I think of the series of events, girl has someone long distance, you meet girl, date, girl leaves her bf for you. Girl is all over you, you give girl space...actually telling her she should be single, she's still initiating contact. You leave the country or wherever, girl has stuff going on, you're nice about it...girl texts less and less, during a convo you say she's being weird, she acts distant and now its no contact. I dont think neediness is the thing; she's been more invested...plus it started when you were abroad, so she had space. I'd more lean to jack's "she has shown she will cheat" and now that you're not there physically dont expect her to be the same. Or her other issues. Or her realising things feel wrong so she disconnects. Or with her ex cheating, and you playing it laid back and other girls around, making her think about whether she can trust you (as weird as that sounds). The contact dropped when you went abroad, so I cant say the convo where you acknowledged something was weird did anything. You're abroad, gave her space, and doesnt sound like you're hitting this girl up asking her to be your gf...so neediness just doesnt seem right. Whatever the case, whether she wants to be single or not, you dont know what you want. If you think she should be single and said so, treat her like she's single instead of expecting a gf/bf thing.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:48 am 
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DM wrote:
I'll try and keep this short, i have a girl Im seeing (not official) for the past few months. Long story short, she was with a guy, seeing me at the same time. We started getting closer, eventually i said Im not interested in being in a love triangle, you do what you need to do. She leaves him and we start moving towards a relationship. Fast forward a month, Im overseas visiting family, and gradually we start losing touch. She was usually the one to initiate texting, but now it becomes less and less. I sense she's becoming more and more distant, less available. I ask her whats up, she says shes changed (on account of a lot of shitty situations which have come up lately), but her feelings for me haven't. Anyways, when we talked last i was supposed to have some minor surgery done the next day. At that point she tells me to let her know how it went, if i'd like. This was for me the most off-putting part. If your friend, gf, or some you cared about was going through some procedure you'd ask how it went, visit, whatever, not put it on the other person to report back. Anyways I never messaged about the surgery, and neither did she. Its been a few days of radio silence now. Should I keep up the radio silence, or just next her. I need someone with a clear head here. Thanks in advance


I'd be curious to know what this means, rather than glossing over this potentially useful bit of information.

Why keep quiet on a need? Going radio silent is just the passive side to the aggressive behavior. It won't resolve a thing.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:50 am 
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DM wrote:
Could be anything. Thats the benefit of the doubt im giving her and why i have nexted her completely. Thing is shes going out, posting pics on fb with one of her friends, but that could also be compensating for something. Its been days since we last talked, but because the tone of her messages changed completely it made me start thinking about the possibilities. The thing i found with going no contact is that if the relationship wasnt abusive they ALWAYS come back. Just from personal experience. Some context reading back, she asked me to tell her about my surgery and i asked why she was being so formal about it, she told me that she didnt want to be pushy. At one point i mentioned how shes weirding me out, to which she responded that no matter how weird it gets that she still cares about me and its important to her that im safe and well. the whole exchange was very reserved, not sure if its on account of her being scared to initiate, having someone else, losing interest, trying to back out etc. but it came as a surprise given that a week ago she was telling me she was thinking of me.

Not if they find something better before then.

Sounds like you're trying to seek comfort in her doing an about face and contacting you. You aren't nexting anyone because you're still looking to her for an answer. This is just more of the same pattern.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:30 am 
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neo87 wrote:
If I think of the series of events, girl has someone long distance, you meet girl, date, girl leaves her bf for you. Girl is all over you, you give girl space...actually telling her she should be single, she's still initiating contact. You leave the country or wherever, girl has stuff going on, you're nice about it...girl texts less and less, during a convo you say she's being weird, she acts distant and now its no contact. I dont think neediness is the thing; she's been more invested...plus it started when you were abroad, so she had space. I'd more lean to jack's "she has shown she will cheat" and now that you're not there physically dont expect her to be the same. Or her other issues. Or her realising things feel wrong so she disconnects. Or with her ex cheating, and you playing it laid back and other girls around, making her think about whether she can trust you (as weird as that sounds). The contact dropped when you went abroad, so I cant say the convo where you acknowledged something was weird did anything. You're abroad, gave her space, and doesnt sound like you're hitting this girl up asking her to be your gf...so neediness just doesnt seem right. Whatever the case, whether she wants to be single or not, you dont know what you want. If you think she should be single and said so, treat her like she's single instead of expecting a gf/bf thing.


I avoided labeling us as bf/gf, first of all it was obvious that she needed some time to deal with her breakup, and I also wanted to enjoy my time overseas. Also that opens up a can of worms since it'd only been a few months and the foundation wasn't strong enough to last the duration of the summer as a relationship. I knew she would agree to this since its the logical thing to do, but since she was emotionally invested I knew I could always keep her engaged using jealousy, low contact etc. Girls constantly posting on my wall irked her a lot. I figured come September we could actually set the foundation for a real relationship. She is a good girl (to me at least), otherwise I wouldn't even dream of giving up the bachelor life. The frame that we had was a mess from the beginning, she was at my place constantly so I got to see all the drama first hand, and we developed a supportive frame for one another. Basically a half relationship. The care was there, and that's why this silence after my surgery i found out of character, I thought Id played my hand properly. For me the whole purpose of this thread was to gauge whether or not it would be worth me messaging her first after that incident, or giving things time to cool down for a while.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:37 am 
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n2thevoid wrote:
DM wrote:
(on account of a lot of shitty situations which have come up lately)


I'd be curious to know what this means, rather than glossing over this potentially useful bit of information.

Why keep quiet on a need? Going radio silent is just the passive side to the aggressive behavior. It won't resolve a thing.


A lot of things came together at once. First the breakup from an abusive relationship. After which she did some therapy, and then we parted ways for the summer. One girl she knew died a few weeks after she got there, her ex was constantly trying to win her back, later on another person she knew died. Most recently she found out that her friends (who knew about her whole situation) decided to go on a trip they'd collectively been planning without her. I really felt for the girl so I figured it'd be good to talk about shit and try to lighten the mood a bit. Thats why I prefer phone calls in any case. So after all that, she doesnt bother to check on me after my surgery (again nothing medically serious), and is aloof in her texts. That was a huge red flag for me.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:47 am 
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n2thevoid wrote:
DM wrote:
The thing i found with going no contact is that if the relationship wasnt abusive they ALWAYS come back.


Not if they find something better before then.


Sounds like you're trying to seek comfort in her doing an about face and contacting you. You aren't nexting anyone because you're still looking to her for an answer. This is just more of the same pattern.



First point is true, but its unlikely at this point given that shes just on vacation for a few more days. Unless its her ex who, like a true AFC has been groveling and pining to win her back.

I agree that the whole point is to help you just move on. Though lets be realistic a lot of people resort to this on account of wanting an ex back to mend their ego, or in this case regain foothold on both her and your emotions. I think that way of thinking sometimes underpins the value of the other side of it, as a means to get them back. IF she does come back, you are the one who is in control with clear boundaries, where she knows you're not some groveling clown. But ofc its is a game of Russian roulette since you have to go all in and be outcome independent.

With my last breakup thats how no contact started, but then as time went on it just helped with the oneitis. When she finally did message (1 year later) she was BEGGING me to see her, and I was thankfully indifferent. I advocate it as a good approach whatever your end goal is. The more separation you have from the person the more peace of mind all around.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:27 pm 
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DM wrote:
n2thevoid wrote:
DM wrote:
(on account of a lot of shitty situations which have come up lately)


I'd be curious to know what this means, rather than glossing over this potentially useful bit of information.

Why keep quiet on a need? Going radio silent is just the passive side to the aggressive behavior. It won't resolve a thing.


A lot of things came together at once. First the breakup from an abusive relationship. After which she did some therapy, and then we parted ways for the summer. One girl she knew died a few weeks after she got there, her ex was constantly trying to win her back, later on another person she knew died. Most recently she found out that her friends (who knew about her whole situation) decided to go on a trip they'd collectively been planning without her. I really felt for the girl so I figured it'd be good to talk about shit and try to lighten the mood a bit. Thats why I prefer phone calls in any case. So after all that, she doesnt bother to check on me after my surgery (again nothing medically serious), and is aloof in her texts. That was a huge red flag for me.


I don't doubt she's feeling "changed", or potentially uprooted. It's hard to tend to someone else's emotional needs when your cup is overflowing and there's no space left, let alone feeling disconnected from one's self.

The clinician in me wonder if she's needing space for the dust to settle so-to-speak so she can feel a bit more like herself. But at the end of the day I don't know her, or how she's internalized things so this is just a bit of conjecture on my part.

I've no doubt she's dealing with a lot to process given what you'd just shared.

If you're going to try anything with this person (and I am not saying wether you should or shouldn't) then you're going to have to quiet with some of your needs for the time being. In other words are you ok with the lack of attentiveness/thoughtfulness that you're currently wanting from her? She probably needs someone who will be a 'container' for her experience until she's on more solid ground. If she's worth it to you then go ahead, but there are no guarantees and it'll mean putting yourself on the back burner for a bit until/if she comes to.

You can be the person who lightens her mood but I can tell from your posts you are wanting something back from her now which she's either unwilling, or not wanting to give.


Whether she (or you) see it or not, she's clearly not ready for a relationship, and her behaviour indicates as much.


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