Thanks for great responses guys!
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Also, yes she will get mad angry if you act passive aggressive. The idea is not to act distant, it's to be a little more detached from her and a bit more attached to yourself.
That is a great piece of advice and that is what I am trying to do now.
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You need to read my posts again. Carefully.
I did read them very carefully, my last response was to Heywood's post.
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The problem to me is that you negotiated the relationship where it's the way she wants it and I don't believe that you're being honest about what you wanted. If she wanted more freedom in the relationship as you say you did, why wasn't it like that in the first place? It took her to be ready to break up with you for you to come up with the conditions that allow for you to stay together.
It was like that in the first place. Just on the way I got "played". So her game and way of managing relationships is apparently stronger than mine (like I said before - she is quite alpha herself) so she did to me what I did to many chicks before - got me attached and over-invested even though she hasn't invested that much herself. And I knew and saw she is doing it, yet I was not able to fall more into neediness and possessiveness trap.
It took her to want to break up with me, for me to realize it how much down the hill I have felt. Again - I don't think her level of engagement is too low for 7 months of dating and 3 months of exclusive relationship. I think she played it so well that I got so much attached and over-invested. So that is what I am trying to fix at the moment.
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I can tell you with a high degree of certainty that you're applying a quick fix to a deep-rooted issue. Your attachment needs aren't being met by this person, and the only way you can stave-off the inevitable breakup is by selling yourself down the river and satisfying her needs.
In the process you're neglected your own. After a period of time once again you ll blow-up again. She'll threaten to leave, and you'll sacrifice your needs again. The more you do this, the more entrenched/invested you'll become and the abusive cycle will continue until she likely tires of you and gets rid of you for good.
I don't agree with that. I think my attachment got too big for the tenure of this relationship and I need to cool down and start taking it more easy. I think her level of attachment is just fine for how long we have been dating. If she will not be more attached in 6 months, after I pull back and we start building attachment/engagement together on similar level then i will be concerned.
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Agreed. He's too invested in this however to play that part. Idealy when she'd threatened to breakup his response would have looked something like "I agree this isn't working, and I respect your decision" and ended it there. More importantly that he actually mean it rather than use it as a tactic to woo her back in.
The fact he's already sold himself down the river tells me he's far too invested in this to pullback and become the aloof, self-confidant guy (the kind of guy she likely wants).
That is true that by no means I am ready to walk away at the moment. But pulling back has got me already some confidence back (and I am more happy this way in fact which I didn't expected) and hopefully I will be able to get back on track and to the stage where I will be ready to walk away.
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Now, this girl was against a committed relationship with you, and I have to ask, what has changed? She wanted to fuck you, and still be free. She's fucking you, and she's still free. She may have spun it as "lets live separate lives", but its not a real relationship. At least, on her side.
So what happened is that I went back to my home country for opening of my business and she saw on social media all the attention I am getting from other chicks and she asked me if I want to be exclusive. It was not me ho was pushing it anymore.
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When you say she wants freedom to not have to text you back immediately, post what she wants...good. When you say that when you pull back on the over investment and she gets mad, well then its clear to see she wants your investment to higher, WITHOUT investing herself.
I mena, duh... Are we not all doing this and wanting this from chicks? When you pick up a chick you exactly want her to be as invested as possible with as little of your investment as possible. of course that changes later in relationship, but like I said - I just got played into this by her, just like I did with multiple chicks before. I need to recover from it now.
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So the dynamic she wants, is you giving her more attention, and she has freedom.
That is not entirely true. She actually often needs space and doesn't want my attention at all.
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You're needy as fuck, but youre also dating a chick who wants you to be needy as fuck. She just doesnt want to lose anything in return for your neediness.
Not sure if she wants my neediness - she seems quite annoyed by it in fact. She wasn't getting mad bc I stopped being needy. She got mad because I got distant during our meeting.
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She didnt want commitment, and it sounds like she's doing what she did months ago, killing time. Thats why its easier for her to walk away...she didnt want it in the first place.
That is true that she didn't want commitment and probably still doesn't want it. but she uses this as a proof that she loves me. So she claims that even tho she doesn't want to be in relationship, it is more important for her to be with me because she loves me than not to be in a relationship which she didn't want to.
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Does this sound like a committed person to you?
Sure it doesn't. but I don't think she is not committed because she doesn't want to be committed ever or even now or even to me. I think she is not committed because of my neediness and controlling behaviors. Like I said - I think her level of attachment is normal for 7 months of dating. I think mine just sky-rocketed way above it should be.