Found out girlfriend has kissed a friend of hers


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 4:09 pm 
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Hey Puas!

Last night i Discovered that my girlfriend of 1 year, flirted and kissed with a friend of her approx. 3 weeks after we became a couple. I found out through her diary, which I found my an accident - the temptation was just too much and I know I shouldn't have looked.

It was something like - "oh and last night i got so super wasted, that i ended of flirting to much with xxxx and we ended up with a quick kiss on the mouth. I feel so embarassed about it and I can almost not remember it".

I confronted her (without letting her know I found out through the diary) and she initially refused and said no, and I kept pushing and she kept saying no! Then I said what about xxx, and she confessed and said that it was only a quick kiss, like you give your mother and that she didn't meant everything with it.

I said I had to give the relationship some serious thought and left it at that. She has been contacting me much of the day, saying how sorry she was etc etc.

I simply don't know what to do? My brain says that if she can do it once, she can do it twice but my heart wants to give it another chance. Is it me who is putting to much into it or should I just get the fuck away? At the same time I read that she did something similar with her last boyfriend and that she has been seeing a shrink because of self-esteem issues.

Writing this, the choice seems pretty obvious.. but I don't know if I am over exaggerating the importance of it. I have done that in the past...

And can someone please hint me in the direction of some litterature that explains why a good looking, funny and sweet guy have such a hard time walking away? It's not like I will have any problems finding another girl, as I (beyond this relationship) got my shit together...


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 4:25 pm 
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Did you tell her how you found out about this?


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 4:35 pm 
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The reason you have trouble walking away is bc of your investment in her which includes all the good feelings you have formed with her. Sex, money, love, touch and the like all release good feeling chemicals in your brain and is a large part of the reason we seek these things out. You likely have a lot of that associated with her so naturally why would you want to let go? As you find someone else, they will replace your need for these endogenous feel good chemicals and positive feelings and you will soon forget what you were missing with the previous person.

I last night had to walk away from someone who I had those things associated with and was really into but she couldn't give me what I wanted. I just left her by herself, and didn't text or say anything. Just left her with my thoughts and wants. I didn't and neither do I suggest ruinging the relationship, I would just give it some space. I would start talking to other girls.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 5:03 pm 
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JackZero wrote:
Did you tell her how you found out about this?


No I did not. Gave her some lame excuse to how I found out.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 5:06 pm 
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A. It was only 3 weeks in. You didn't even know each other yet.
B. If your goal as is this website to sleep with more women, it doesn't matter shit, there will be a new one soon anyway.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 5:28 pm 
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HBwarm-Cph wrote:
JackZero wrote:
Did you tell her how you found out about this?


No I did not. Gave her some lame excuse to how I found out.
This is why this entire post doesn't make sense to me. You're tough on her right now because you think she betrayed your trust but didn't take decisive action because you don't want to lose her. At the same exact time you wouldn't know about it if you didn't betray her trust and you don't want to lose her because of it. IMO, you have a bigger problem than her pecking another man on the lips. You have to address this insecurity.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 6:03 pm 
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JackZero wrote:
HBwarm-Cph wrote:
JackZero wrote:
Did you tell her how you found out about this?


No I did not. Gave her some lame excuse to how I found out.
This is why this entire post doesn't make sense to me. You're tough on her right now because you think she betrayed your trust but didn't take decisive action because you don't want to lose her. At the same exact time you wouldn't know about it if you didn't betray her trust and you don't want to lose her because of it. IMO, you have a bigger problem than her pecking another man on the lips. You have to address this insecurity.


Well said, I think you hit my spot as my previous threats also suggest.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 6:28 pm 
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OP I'm gonna be honest, if you need to give the relationship some serious thought, for a wasted peck on the lips, 3 weeks into you becoming a couple (were you even exclusive?) then you take yourself way too seriously.

Also as Jack pointed out you gotta see the irony here. You're taking some sort of moral highground, because she supposedly betrayed your trust, and the only reason you know about it is because you betrayed hers. Worst part about that is that you didn't do it in a faceplanted state 20 days into the relationship. You did it after a year.

Never go through your partners privacy. Don't care if you found something there. You're in the wrong either way.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 7:14 pm 
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R.C wrote:
OP I'm gonna be honest, if you need to give the relationship some serious thought, for a wasted peck on the lips, 3 weeks into you becoming a couple (were you even exclusive?) then you take yourself way too seriously.

Also as Jack pointed out you gotta see the irony here. You're taking some sort of moral highground, because she supposedly betrayed your trust, and the only reason you know about it is because you betrayed hers. Worst part about that is that you didn't do it in a faceplanted state 20 days into the relationship. You did it after a year.

Never go through your partners privacy. Don't care if you found something there. You're in the wrong either way.


I agree, it is fucked up and I am also in the wrongs here! We had been exclusive for some months at the time, and an official couple for around a month.

Can you elaborate on the whole "taking yourself to seriously"? - Is it too seriously to expect your girlfriend not to kiss other guys, even though it's a new relationship? If that is the case, I don't really agree..


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 7:26 pm 
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HBwarm-Cph wrote:
Hey Puas!

Last night i Discovered that my girlfriend of 1 year, flirted and kissed with a friend of her approx. 3 weeks after we became a couple. I found out through her diary, which I found my an accident - the temptation was just too much and I know I shouldn't have looked.

Why'd you look? You'd violated the sanctity of trust in the relationship in doing so...

It was something like - "oh and last night i got so super wasted, that i ended of flirting to much with xxxx and we ended up with a quick kiss on the mouth. I feel so embarassed about it and I can almost not remember it".

...and now you've opened pandoras box. You're in a bit of a juncture now. Ignore? It happened at a different place in time of the relationship. Tell her? To look for some resolution to your unsettled feelings from something that has long since passed, and 'risk' in the worst case losing her.

I confronted her (without letting her know I found out through the diary) and she initially refused and said no, and I kept pushing and she kept saying no! Then I said what about xxx, and she confessed and said that it was only a quick kiss, like you give your mother and that she didn't meant everything with it.

Would love to hear what explanation you gave her. I am certain her answer didn't wash the anger away.

I said I had to give the relationship some serious thought and left it at that. She has been contacting me much of the day, saying how sorry she was etc etc.

Do you consider this cheating? If so then do you want to continue? Has the relationship for the most part been a positive experience? If so do you want this one event to undermine the entire thing?

I simply don't know what to do? My brain says that if she can do it once, she can do it twice but my heart wants to give it another chance. Is it me who is putting to much into it or should I just get the fuck away? At the same time I read that she did something similar with her last boyfriend and that she has been seeing a shrink because of self-esteem issues.

She kissed a guy while with him?

Writing this, the choice seems pretty obvious.. but I don't know if I am over exaggerating the importance of it. I have done that in the past...

And can someone please hint me in the direction of some litterature that explains why a good looking, funny and sweet guy have such a hard time walking away? It's not like I will have any problems finding another girl, as I (beyond this relationship) got my shit together...

Attachment, you can read some of my other posts on the topic


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 7:40 pm 
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HBwarm-Cph wrote:
Is it too seriously to expect your girlfriend not to kiss other guys, even though it's a new relationship? If that is the case, I don't really agree..


Well, no. Most women don’t. If they ever kiss a guy, it’s because they’ve thought about it for a while. When I say a while, it was likely on her mind BEFORE you.

Add a bit of booze....

Unless a girl is passed out cold, she knows what she’s doing. She knew exactly what she was doing. And guess what, she had a great time too!

But understand hero, she was only testing the waters. Comparing you to him. Not trying to give you herpes.

Here's the good news .... She picked YOU.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 7:50 pm 
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HBwarm-Cph wrote:
Can you elaborate on the whole "taking yourself to seriously"? - Is it too seriously to expect your girlfriend not to kiss other guys, even though it's a new relationship? If that is the case, I don't really agree..


In my opinion, you're acting as if she went to another guys' home, sober, on a Sunday evening and fucked him. Twice.

This is a wasted peck on the lips. I can't qualify that as cheating. And when people do, I ping it on deeper underlying insecurities/relationship problems. However I can't always be right.

Are you honestly finding this to be this huge backstab, or is it also an emotional response?

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 8:09 pm 
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HBwarm-Cph wrote:
Hey Puas!

Last night i Discovered that my girlfriend of 1 year, flirted and kissed with a friend of her approx. 3 weeks after we became a couple. I found out through her diary, which I found my an accident - the temptation was just too much and I know I shouldn't have looked.

It was something like - "oh and last night i got so super wasted, that i ended of flirting to much with xxxx and we ended up with a quick kiss on the mouth. I feel so embarassed about it and I can almost not remember it".

I confronted her (without letting her know I found out through the diary) and she initially refused and said no, and I kept pushing and she kept saying no! Then I said what about xxx, and she confessed and said that it was only a quick kiss, like you give your mother and that she didn't meant everything with it.

I said I had to give the relationship some serious thought and left it at that. She has been contacting me much of the day, saying how sorry she was etc etc.

I simply don't know what to do? My brain says that if she can do it once, she can do it twice but my heart wants to give it another chance. Is it me who is putting to much into it or should I just get the fuck away? At the same time I read that she did something similar with her last boyfriend and that she has been seeing a shrink because of self-esteem issues.

Writing this, the choice seems pretty obvious.. but I don't know if I am over exaggerating the importance of it. I have done that in the past...

And can someone please hint me in the direction of some litterature that explains why a good looking, funny and sweet guy have such a hard time walking away? It's not like I will have any problems finding another girl, as I (beyond this relationship) got my shit together...



You have to respond according to where you on your emotional journey OP and not according to how one may tell you to respond according to the level they've reached on their journey. You don't want to find yourself in a situation in situation in which you stay because you feel like you're suppose to and end up resenting the person that you are with. That'll only lead to emotional damage and wasted time for the both of you. Your snooping wasn't "random", it was inspired by either her behavior or your own insecurity but that is still where you are. You do however have to own up to the fact that it was cowardly of you to lie about how you found out. You should of just manned up and told her " Hey look, I've been a bit suspicious. Im not sure if its due to me or you but, I went through your diary and this is what I found." Despite how she felt about it, she would've respected you a helluva lot more. Now theres a greater feeling of mistrust between you two because you lied to her, and then she lied to you. Is that a recipe for success?

I do have to ask you though before i go further; aside from this one particular thing.. How has the rest of the relationship been? Has she been behaving ideally? And were you suspicious of her prior to looking into her diary... Or was everything perfectly okay and normal until you found this?

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Last edited by Eddie Fews on Tue Jul 18, 2017 8:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 8:10 pm 
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A small question.. Are you saying that you didn't know your gf was seeing a shrink? It reads like you found that out from the journal as well.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 9:31 pm 
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HBwarm-Cph wrote:
Last night i Discovered that my girlfriend of 1 year, flirted and kissed with a friend of her approx. 3 weeks after we became a couple.


OMG, who cares bro! You didn't even know her. You're imparting your current situation/feelings onto a past isolated incident where you had no idea who she was, and her orbiters were still in the picture.

Ignore it and have fun sex.



Quote:
It was something like - "oh and last night i got so super wasted, that i ended of flirting to much with xxxx and we ended up with a quick kiss on the mouth. I feel so embarassed about it and I can almost not remember it".


The sooner men understand that women are not fragile flowers and princesses, and that they like sex, the better off men will be in the courtship process (IE not chasing women away due to their insecurities controlling them).

Quote:
I confronted her (without letting her know I found out through the diary)


OMG, a year later? lol.

Quote:
I said I had to give the relationship some serious thought and left it at that. She has been contacting me much of the day, saying how sorry she was etc etc.


Sounds fun.

Quote:
I simply don't know what to do? My brain says that if she can do it once, she can do it twice but my heart wants to give it another chance.



You need to chill the fuck out and understand what women really are. Your girlfriend is not a magical princess. She's tough as fuck, probably has more balls than most men. She likes to get dick, bro. She likes men to cum on her face. She fantasizes about threesomes, or getting tied up.

LET GO of the mythology you have built in your mind about women. It's a false narrative that leads to insecurities and emotionally-uncentered behavior. Socially valuable women (IE not obese women, which is most of the U.S. these days) will have had sexual encounters, and orbiters during the initial phase of your relationship. If you don't like this, date a nun.



Quote:
Is it me who is putting to much into it or should I just get the fuck away? At the same time I read that she did something similar with her last boyfriend and that she has been seeing a shrink because of self-esteem issues.


OMG! An attractive woman kisses guys and has self-esteem issues? HOLY SHIT. Dude, break up with her right away! There are so many perfect princesses out there. This is some crazy-ass baggage! *sarcasm off*



Quote:
And can someone please hint me in the direction of some litterature that explains why a good looking, funny and sweet guy have such a hard time walking away? It's not like I will have any problems finding another girl, as I (beyond this relationship) got my shit together...



You're acting like a bitch, OP.

Take a deep breath, and look at the situation in context. She's a cute girl. She likes sex. She will always be attracted to other people as well as you. But three weeks in is nothing at all.

The fact you're focused on this non-issues tells me you need to have way more fun. Turn your insecurities into lust. It's a fun way to deal with them. Drop the issue, but only bring it up when you're fucking her, in a playful way, ask he what she liked about the kiss, ask her playfully if she's ever thought of a threesome, etc. Learn to flip your insecurities into slight indifference and playfulness. you might actually find that your outrage over this is really a disguise at the fact reading about it kind of turned you on.....

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