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Please analyze the psychology of this elusive girl for me

Sat Jan 28, 2017 9:24 pm

Before I start I want to mention that I'm not looking for advice on what to do since it's clear that this is not working and something is wrong but rather I want help to try and understand the psychology of this girl.

I met this girl (HB9) in June 2015 in the UK when I was 29 and she was 33. She's a single mom divorced a few months before I met her (divorced in April) though she had been living away from her ex husband (who remained in their home country) for a year (on and off) to pursue her PhD. She divorced him because she felt he didn't care about her (last straw was apparently when he didn't even remember her birthday) and also he was cheating on her with a younger woman.

We met, had fun and it ended in a SNL. She was living with her son when I met her.

Things went well for the first 3 months. She was very nice to me and loving and always talked about the future of our relationship and was moving very fast by saying she loved me etc. (signs of rebound? she said I was only the second man she had been with, the first being her ex husband, so maybe she is also naive when it comes to relationships?).

I did catch brief glimpses of another side to her even at this early stage. She would become a little distant if we saw each other too many days in a row i.e. when we spent 3 consecutive evenings together on the third she was distant and seemed like she didn't want me to stay (she mentioned that she used to sleep in a separate room to her ex husband and he was never there. Also she mentioned in passing once that her nature is such that she could love me one day and the next day not care about me. That her feelings can change rapidly). But overall first few months were good.

I was careless and she got pregnant after our first few months together. It was the summer holidays so she went back to her home country and got an abortion there.

She came back in 2 months without her son (since she said she was too busy to look after him on her own due to her work) who she left with her parents.

She didn't have a place to stay so she stayed with me and again I noticed that after a few days together she would get distant (is she scared of getting close and being hurt again? She would always tell me at the start not to hurt her. She also has trust issues which she mentions even now).

She moved out after a week and we only saw each other once a week or once in two weeks after that. She would go days maybe even a week without contacting me and then when she wanted me she'd call and meet me. We still had sex sometimes when we met but she was still scared because of the abortion.

When she wanted me she would come to me. When she didn't she would not contact me and just give one word answers to me on the phone/reject my suggestions to meet up etc.

It got to the point where I was only seeing her once in two weeks and I wasn't happy. I tried talking to her about it and she said she was sad because her son wasn't there and still scared about getting pregnant again and also very busy with her project.

It wasn't working out so I ended it. She said she agreed and that she didn't want a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend was a headache she said.

I went no contact and 2 weeks later she contacts me (as usual) and wants to have dinner together with me and her female friend. I met them for dinner and afterwards took them to a concert where I was meeting a few friends including a girl I kind of liked. I flirted with this new girl in front of my ex girlfriend and ignored my ex completely at the concert (I regret this now. It was childish but I felt really angry at my ex for neglecting me for all those months.)

After this I didn't contact my ex girlfriend and she didn't contact me either. A month and a half later I messaged her that I was leaving the country and wanted to give her some of her stuff back that was still at my place. I didn't like the way things ended so I said let's have coffee just to say goodbye.

She invited me to dinner instead and I agreed. I go to her place and she opens the door in skimpy lingerie. One thing leads to another and we have sex. She tells me that she loves me but thinks I'm not mature. I say it's ok. I have no regrets. She tells me she needs time to think about our relationship.. I said I understand. (she also mentioned how she signed up for online dating a few weeks before and went on a few dates. One man even proposed to her apparently. So much for a boyfriend being a headache. Or maybe she just wanted some attention and validation after I flirted in front of her and ignored her at the concert?)

I leave the country. After I leave she messaged me a few months later and tells me she wants to be with me (she told me about how she went to her home country after I left and had a big fight with her ex husband who ended up beating her and she called the police on him). Though she says this she proceeds to only contact me once a month and when she does we chat for a bit on messenger or via Skype.

It goes on like this for the next year with infrequent contact though she says she loves me and wants to be with me she hardly ever contacts me (is she avoiding relationships and intimacy by dating someone in another country?). I don't know what to make of all this but I talk to her when she contacts me but I don't make much effort either since I feel that this could end any time (if it's not already over?). Though at times she does seem serious about me since she makes me talk to her son and tells him she'll take him on a boat to see me if he's good etc... But again she only contacts me once a month so I don't really understand what's going on.

Fast forward to early this month (January 2017) when we met for a holiday together in Thailand for 6 days (she asked to meet me last April but I couldn't make it and since then she's been busy at university and without leave). First few days went well as always. But from then on she acts distant at times and moody. She criticises and complains etc. (though to be fair I have let go of myself physically and have lost my focus on my mission. I can feel that I'm not centered at the moment and need to get back on track). Also she told me she's going through a lot. Someone got into all her social media and is blackmailing her. She has a lot of work to do for her PhD report and it's late. Then her son's father wants her son to stay with him. We still have sex nearly every day and as always whenever she needs me she passionately runs to me (I asked her why she would go so long without seeing me and talking to me when we were in the same city a year ago. She told me that when she just didn't feel like talking to me or seeing me she didn't).

On our last night in Thailand she was so focused on her work. She finished late and got into bed and when I went to her she just pushed me away. I felt angry since it was our last day together (I know it feels like I'm the woman in this relationship) and had to cool down so I left the hotel for half an hour and came back and went to sleep.. In the middle of the night she wakes me up and we have sex and she tells me not to leave her (fear of abandonment?) .

After I say goodbye to her at the airport the next day she messages me that she's sorry that she upset me and that she's worried about her work.

We're now back to infrequent contact though she told me she's coming to Australia with her son after I move there since I'm planning to relocate there.

Does anyone understand this girl's behaviour?

I've never met a girl who claims to want a serious long term relationship but who contacts their so called partner so infrequently. My best guess is that she has a distant, independent personality. Or that she has trust issues and is scared of getting hurt. Or maybe she avoids intimacy by being with someone far away. She tells me that whenever people ask her if she has a boyfriend she says she does but he's abroad. She also told me that her ex husband wanted to reconcile with her but she rejected him and told him it was because she loves me (was that her way of getting back at him? Does the divorce make her feel like a failure? Maybe she stays with me even though her heart is not in it because she wants to prove to herself, her ex husband and the close friends she has told about me that she can make a relationship work).

Maybe she is confused about me or just wants me on standby because she doesn't want to be abandoned (again) or she just wants me when she thinks she's going to lose me and the rest of the time she takes me for granted. I'm very affectionate to her and she told me that when I took care of her when she was ill before her abortion it was the first time she felt loved by a man.

On the one hand she hardly contacts me but when she does she talks like we have a future together. She talks about me to her son and friends but when we are together after a few days she becomes distracted and distant. After a while when she feels like it i.e. 2 weeks to a month when she feels she needs me again she comes back passionately and seemingly full of love (could this be hormonal and related to her menstrual cycle?) .

If anyone can make sense of this girl and give their thoughts on her behaviour to me I would be extremely grateful.

Is it possible that her behaviour is due to

- her personality? Are there girls who just act like this in relationships??
- her emotional baggage (trust issues, fear of getting hurt)?
- Is she still drawn to her ex husband's bad boy behaviour and needs that drama in her life?
- her being unsure about me? My ability/reliability/trustworthiness to take care of her
- is there someone else? She has many men after her. Her landlords, colleagues, supervisors, friends etc. She does talk about these men and how they behave around her and she knows they like her. She tells me in a way that indicates that she enjoys the attention. I don't act jealous and I know there's nothing I can do if something were to happen so I just ignore this mostly (though there are a few suspicious things for example. There's a guy who she pays to drive her places like the airport. He's young and good looking. A few months after I met her she went back to her home country and I was helping her pack. I got the feeling she didn't want me to meet him for some reason and seemed to want me to leave before he arrived. She seemed a bit anxious but I met him and said hello. Many months later she mentioned how he has a girlfriend who she thinks is nice and that he's irresponsible since he once asked her if she wanted to try some coke. Also when I was in Thailand I noticed she deleted some conversations with guys on her messenger app when I sat next to her. A few days later she mentioned that her pussy (English is not her first language and I've never heard her use the word pussy before so I wondered where she learnt it though she did mention she was watching a lot of porn at one point last year which could be an innocent explanation) was tight since she hadn't had sex in a long time. I, stupidly, asked her when the last time she had sex was and she looked away and she seemed a bit nervous. Initially she said she doesn't remember but when I pressed her she said of course it was with me in her house last year. I'm sure there could be an innocent explanation for all of these but at the same time I know there could be other men. I just don't know.)
- a combination of all or some of the above?

Thank you for reading!
Last edited by coldfire3k3 on Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:31 am, edited 10 times in total.

Re: Elusive girl

Sat Jan 28, 2017 10:04 pm

It doesn't matter why she acts that way, it's the fact that she does act that way. The only thing that I picked up on is that she isn't stable and the reason why can't be analyzed in a few paragraphs.

Re: Elusive girl

Sat Jan 28, 2017 11:33 pm

JackZero wrote:It doesn't matter why she acts that way, it's the fact that she does act that way. The only thing that I picked up on is that she isn't stable and the reason why can't be analyzed in a few paragraphs.


Re: Elusive girl

Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:18 am

Defense mechanisms. We all have this.


As to why for your ex-girlfriend, people (whether paid professionals or not) can only offer conjectures with varying degrees of inaccuracy.

Re: Please analyze the psychology of this elusive girl for m

Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:48 pm

She's is likely spinning you as an option. The infrequent contact and pushing you away, etc is because she is likely trying to form another relationship(s) on the side and doesn't want you to fuck it up for her. She is likely in contact with her ex as well. Let her initiate contact with you for meeting to measure her interest level, otherwise stay silent. You should leverage your infrequent meetings to fuck other women on your own time. There is no reason to be exclusively involved with someone like this.

Bottom line, she is playing the field, and you are an option for her.

Re: Please analyze the psychology of this elusive girl for m

Mon Jan 30, 2017 3:28 am

I am more concerned with your own pathology.

Specifically the narrative that keeps playing in my mind as I read your post "why does he insist on pursuing things with this person?".

It says far more about you than anything I can ascertain from your description of her behavior.

That said if I had to venture a guess, she doesn't really want you. She keeps you at arm's length (because she can), and once in a bit throws you a carrot to keep you on the line, which is quite effortless on her part. She likely doesn't want a relationship period, has a child, ex husband etc and likely has orbiters around to meet her more tangential needs while keeping a safe distance emotionally.

Regardless. Why would you want this in your life? Would you accept this sort of behaviour from a friend? Are you helping your self-esteem by maintaining contact with her for a few thrills?

Stop looking at her, and start looking at yourself. That's the beginning of truth.

Re: Please analyze the psychology of this elusive girl for m

Sat Feb 04, 2017 6:35 pm

I have analysed my own pathology for why I'm still in this thing. I know I shouldn't still be in this thing and it doesn't matter whether she's spinning me, not that interested or this is just her personality, the end result is the same. She's not giving me what I want and hence we are not compatible.

You're right that the cheap thrills are not worth the effects to my self esteem. I still try it on with other girls but I'm going through a dry spell and that's giving me a scarcity mentality. Add to that that this girl is physically my perfect girl (the hottest I've been with) and the sex is just out of this world good. I can imagine that her push pull could be highly addictive. Also I suspect a few of my unresolved issues from childhood might be a factor. I'm pulling the plug on this thing. However I do find the psychology of her behaviour fascinating.

Now back to her. I feel that the best explanation for her behaviour might be that she has a fear of intimacy. She was hurt badly by her ex husband who she says didn't care about her, cheated on her and didn't give much affection to her. She always tells me she has trust issues and can't trust love and to not hurt her.

It's weird but she doesn't like kissing. When I first met her I thought it was because she wasn't ready to kiss but later she told me she doesn't really know how to kiss. Also she's not a hugger and doesn't really like snuggling after sex. Also after sex she just jumps out of bed straight away and washes herself (maybe due to the abortion she still has a fear of pregnancy?) and goes back to her work (no post sex talking nothing as though I'm just a dildo). When I asked about the lack of hugging and cuddling she says she doesn't like it. She said her parents never hugged her when she was a child so maybe that explains this. Add this to the fact that whenever we're together continuously for 3 days or more on the third or fourth day shit hits the fan and she becomes distant and/or starts fights I suspect just to push me away.

I'm not saying she's not spinning me and not sleeping with other guys. She could be. I read up on fear of intimacy which seems to describe her well. Some articles I read mentioned that people with fear of intimacy actually cheat to distract themselves from their primary relationship and are addicted to the infatuation stage of a relationship. Like some sources mention about people with fear of intimacy she's charismatic, ambitious, successful and very focused on her career and goals (she makes 1 year, 2 year and 5 year plans for her life!). She also seemed very nice and affectionate during the infatuation stage and only withdrew as we became closer.

Has anyone met a girl you suspected had a fear of intimacy? If this is what is happening I thought this occurred mostly in men? How did they act? Was it similar to this girl?

Re: Please analyze the psychology of this elusive girl for m

Sun Feb 05, 2017 5:18 pm

More you focus on her and what she may be thinking, the longer you'll be stuck in this. You aren't helping yourself.

Who cares what she thinks tbh. It hasn't worked (your own words) and its time to move on rather than let her take up space in your mind. Some things weren't meant to be. Accept things the way they are and move forward.

Re: Please analyze the psychology of this elusive girl for m

Mon Feb 06, 2017 8:42 am

We can't control women, we can only control how we show up. I think it's absurd to label the woman as"crazy" with so little information.

The weaker a man is, the more crazy women will seem. If a man is half weak/half strong he'll see less crazy women, but still plenty. A dominant male sees/dates few crazy women because the polarity keeps them sweet and in their feminine.

If you show up the right way, women will not behave the way this woman is towards you. They will be obsessed with you, hit you up all the time, etc.

That said, it sounds like a combination of beta-behavior on your part, and a woman who likes you, but not enough to come down off the fence.

Do not contact her. if she contacts you, arrange a meet up. This whole thing just reads as a very infrequent FWB arrangement, except you're in love, and she could care less. You might literally be 3 or 4 down the line on who she calls to fuck, and it sounds like she picks you last. This is remedied by improving bedroom skills.

Re: Please analyze the psychology of this elusive girl for m

Mon Feb 06, 2017 9:09 am

I'm not sure why you're still in this.

Re: Please analyze the psychology of this elusive girl for m

Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:25 pm

My guess is that she is keeping you open as an option. Very attractive women tend to get guys offering to do all kinds stuff for them. Come on man, you should know this by now... if you have developed a real relationship with her it is possible that she is interested, but hot/cold BS like this can be tricky, and you're better off finding a woman who is 100% available.

On another note, I did read this article about how attachment forms ( https://houseofpheromones.com/love-pheromones/ ), but still. The fact that you called yourself "very affectionate" tells me that you are probably treating her as if she is special when she's not. She's just a standard woman who is doing standard shit... keeping a guy interested while not giving anything back.

Re: Please analyze the psychology of this elusive girl for m

Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:23 pm

[list=][/list]33 y.o. and only the 1 relationship? Something's off, unless of course she met her ex at a tender age which I doubt is the case. A woman in her 30s with such shallow relationship experience would be a concern for me - generally women in their 20s date, and have at least some breadth of experience so I am wondering what her story is (not that I care to know tbh).

She "loves" one day only to not the next. In the realm of psychology we call that labile, and its generally associated with certain personality disorders, though I am not in a position to diagnose her.

She's a withdrawer from what you're describing. Probably the result of past painful experiences of what happens when she seeks closeness; she associates it with pain. For example a child who had a caregiver who turned away when he/she sought affection often develops an insecure style of attachment and will do what they can to keep someone at arm's length if they feel they're getting too close.

You can't fix her, though you can rescue yourself from this nightmare. You can't really build anything meaningful with this person. Let go and free yourself up to meet someone healthy.

Re: Please analyze the psychology of this elusive girl for m

Tue Mar 21, 2017 1:52 pm


Just let it go Bro. I know you are thinking you'll never get over her, but remember, you also thought it would last forever.
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